What would you do?

[DeYaKen]

I've recently been looking back at some of my comments on What Are Friends For? and find a large number saying that Greg was no friend to Eric, because he didn't tell him that his wife had given another man a blow job and came within an ace of being violated.

This begs the question what does a real friend do? Put yourself in the position. You know that your friend's spouse has cheated on them. The affair is over,and you've been told it will never happen again. You can see the offending party working hard at the relationship and the couple are happy.

Do you
A: say nothing but keep an eye on things?
B: tell the guilty party that you know and that if anything like that happens again you will spill the beans?
C: tell your friend that their spouse has been unfaithful and let them decide how to proceed.

I know that a friend of mine has been unfaithful. They had been going through a rough time but since the affair ended they are getting it back together and are happy. Do I have the right to change that? I ask myself what is to be served by telling the other partner what happened? They have children whom they both adore.

 

[Goldenfire]

It's easy to think "well I'd want to know if it was ME being cheated on" and in some cases it's right to tell your friends if you know they're being fucked over. But in this case what's to be gained?

 

[lovecraft68]

No one way that works out without someone being hurt.

For me personally-and I have been there-I tell the spouse that was cheated on(providing I can prove it or it is provable).

I did this because IMO it is unfair that the person cheated upon still has full trust in their lover when they shouldn't have that trust.

I believe that if someone cheats and there is no repercussions then they will do it again. Why not? Because life was tough they cheated? Well it will get tough again.

So the person has a right to know. Especially because they were also in said tough spot and they didn't. Now if they choose to work on it and forgive the person, that's fine, but they should know.

One other thing is when you mention kids that gets to me. No one should be unhappy and live that way because they have kids.

And trust me, kids pick up on marital and domestic stress, you're not helping the kids at all by having a stressful unhappy home life, better to separate and the kids can see both parents happy again my two cents, not playing marriage councilor here.

 

[PennLady]

I haven't read the story but I think this falls under "none of your business" unless there are some extenuating circumstances, like if you think the health of the cheated-on spouse is in danger. Or if you've been outright asked to cover or lie, at which point you get to say you will not volunteer the info, but if asked you will not lie.

It would be hard not to tell, I realize. But even if you know, it isn't always your business to tell.

 

[Goldenfire]

Good point. But nothing is clear cut and although I despise cheats as liars and people who think they can abuse trust there are cases where one should stay out of it. Maybe let the cheater know that you know, and urge them to come clean themselves. Unless there's more to this?

 

[Goldenfire]

Totally what Pennlady said. It's a judgement call. Don't do anything just to have a clear conscience.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

S'pose someone kills themselves or the other after you play Dudley Doright?

 

[Goldenfire]

And of course there's always the blackmail option

 

[lovecraft68]

I haven't read the story but I think this falls under "none of your business" unless there are some extenuating circumstances, like if you think the health of the cheated-on spouse is in danger. Or if you've been outright asked to cover or lie, at which point you get to say you will not volunteer the info, but if asked you will not lie.

It would be hard not to tell, I realize. But even if you know, it isn't always your business to tell.

Its a total judgement call with a lot of variables.

I was in that place in my first marriage. Someone told me she was fooling around and with who.

Sucked to hear, but did me a huge favor because that was the impetus to say screw this and I have been far happier with life since then including my second marriage.

If I had not been told, how much more time would I have wasted?

So when the shoe was on the other foot. I told the person. I am not saying it was the all around right thing to do, but having been there I felt it was.

 

[StrangeLife]

An important part of friendship is honesty...

...so yes - I would not only tell, but also whip out my phone and secure as much evidence as possible without being indiscreet. And I would get very pissed if I found out that one of my friends knew about my wife cheating and didn't tell me.

 

[PennLady]

I'm not saying I wouldn't want to know myself if my spouse was cheating. I'm just saying that when you are on the outside, it isn't always a clear cut decision on whether to tell someone.

 

[Goldenfire]

I thought this was about a one-off thing or is it a proper dishonest motherfucking affair thing?

 

[Aynmair]

It would be hard not to tell, I realize. But even if you know, it isn't always your business to tell.

Exactly what you said!!

 

[StrangeLife]

Whether it's a one night stand or a longer affair, my friend is the only person who has the right to make a decision about how to proceed. If I choose not to tell, I effectively make that decision for him/her, which is wrong. This is one of those binary situations where there is no "neutral" choice. Whether you tell or not, you're making a decision that influences his/her life.

 

[Aynmair]

Its a total judgement call with a lot of variables.

I was in that place in my first marriage. Someone told me she was fooling around and with who.

Sucked to hear, but did me a huge favor because that was the impetus to say screw this and I have been far happier with life since then including my second marriage.

If I had not been told, how much more time would I have wasted?

So when the shoe was on the other foot. I told the person. I am not saying it was the all around right thing to do, but having been there I felt it was.

My instinct would be to talk to the "cheater" and ream them a new one, stressing that if they didn't quit hurting their partner and putting their relationship in jeopardy, I would tell. But relationships can be so fragile that if they look like they are on the mend, they should be given a chance.

 

[lovecraft68]

My instinct would be to talk to the "cheater" and ream them a new one, stressing that if they didn't quit hurting their partner and putting their relationship in jeopardy, I would tell. But relationships can be so fragile that if they look like they are on the mend, they should be given a chance.

I preface this with saying its been my experience with people I know, bit of course I cannot speak for everyone, but having said that.

A dog is a dog. be they male or female a cheat is a cheat.

Whether its the guy claiming his wife doesn't keep him happy or the woman with the "he just doesn't understand me anymore" its all a cop out.

If you're unhappy enough to get sex and companionship somewhere else then keep going because its over.

I do not believe anything is an excuse to cross that line, again if you are that unhappy, leave. But the cheating "gene" is not limited to tough times. And as I said before if they get away with it completely it will happen again.

 

[PennLady]

Whether it's a one night stand or a longer affair, my friend is the only person who has the right to make a decision about how to proceed. If I choose not to tell, I effectively make that decision for him/her, which is wrong. This is one of those binary situations where there is no "neutral" choice. Whether you tell or not, you're making a decision that influences his/her life.

People do shoot the messenger, you know. I know you think it's binary but it's not. What if you know but have no proof? There's also no guarantee that the other spouse will believe you, and they could cut you off from friendship and I don't know, even tell others what a troublemaker you are. It's not an easy decision.

 

[StrangeLife]

People do shoot the messenger, you know. I know you think it's binary but it's not. What if you know but have no proof?

Then I would phrase it in a way that reflects my lack of proof. Something like...

"Yo Curt? You might wanna keep an eye on Prudence-Anne on the nights she works late with Mr. Snodgrass. I've heard rumors about the guy out in town. I'm sure she wouldn't do you like that, but I thought I'd give you a head's up anyway."

Then Curt can decide what to do from there. I am out of the loop. I have fulfilled my moral obligation.

There's also no guarantee that the other spouse will believe you, and they could cut you off from friendship and I don't know, even tell others what a troublemaker you are. It's not an easy decision.

But then I have at least passed on the choice to the person who's affected by it. Whatever he/she decides from there is not my problem. If my friend decides to be mad at me for it, then so be it. If I don't tell out of fear of becoming the target of his/her anger, I am effectively "buying" the friendship with betrayal.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

It's really none of my business. True both maybe my friends. But do I want to be the one to cause them pain? No.

I also know by not telling, that I run the risk of them both finding out I knew and said nothing and losing both as friends.

But, I'll run that risk before I tell one or the other I know.

I have had just such a situation occur. My best friend, back just after high school, started dating the girl next door, who was also a very good friend.

Problem, was I knew he was fucking around on her and she didn't. When she did find out, she asked. I hemmed and hawed but eventually told her the truth.

She was grateful for telling her the truth but pissed that I didn't tell her sooner.

We were still friends when I left for boot camp six months later.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Plenty of Dudley Dorights are totally stupid about what they think they know. They observe something that aint what they imagine at all. And its no fun when your blooper explodes in your face.

Like the call my boss got about me.

Dudley saw me at a bar and let my boss know.

So my boss was plenty upset with me, and had a warm reception waiting when I returned to the office. Only problem was, when I was observed at the bar I was outside the bar, on the payphone, talking to my boss. He had paged me, and the nearest payphone was outside the bar.

Dudleys are usually more righteous than right.

 

[SikFuk]

If the affair is over, as the OP suggested, it's possible the cheater learned his/her lesson. That does happen. They realize how much they have to lose and they appreciate their partner even more. For this reason, I'd keep my mouth shut about a first-timer. If, however, it's a serial cheater, I'd confront him/her first, and then decide what to do next. It's not a black or white situation, it's shades of gray.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

People need to mind their own goddamn business and fix their own shit first.

Everyone wants to be a tattletale like LOVECRAFT.

 

[Gunnlaug]

I'm with Pennlady on this one - there are too many variables to make any blanket statement.

I've been in this situation before and I did tell (I was only about 22/23 at the time). Result; end of relationship. And perhaps that was the right result, but I'll never know. I certainly wouldn't share the information so blithely now as I did then. Hard thinking would be involved.

I also look at this from my own perspective, in that if I was told that my wife had given someone a BJ then that would be the end of things. Full stop. No arguments. It wouldn't matter if it was a one-off or an affair. I have to assume (of course, wrongly, but this is an emotional response on at least some levels) that if I told someone about a spouse's actions then a break-up would result. There may be very good reasons why this would not be a good idea.

As an aside, I was interested in the moral levels between a BJ and 'being violated' in the OP. So, a BJ is not 'morally' as bad as 'violation'? I think not; it's a penetrative sex act that leads to orgasm. Does it really matter which hole? Is there are card system, like in football (soccer); so yellow card for a BJ but if you fuck it's a straight red and an early bath? Presumably anal would lead to a ten match ban.

 

[slyc_willie]

There's always the fallacy of "if he/she cheats once, he/she will do it again." That's a convenient "truth," but nowhere near the actuality. People stray all the time. At the least, they look, they wonder, they fantasize. Sometimes, they act on their fantasies.

I say this as someone who both has been cheated on and as someone who has cheated. My first committed relationship was with a girl, a topless dancer, from the southside of San Antonio. It was one of those "whirlwind" romances. I was the fairly well-to-do boy from the right side of town and she was the trailer trash princess looking for Mr. Right.

About six months into the relationship, I found out from my buddy and his wife that my girlfriend was cheating on me. I didn't want to believe it. I mean, I couldn't have possibly been so stupid as to fall for a girl that would do that, right? So I did what any sensible guy in my case would do. I turned my back on my friends and stayed devoted to my girl.

Stupid me. Eventually I wised up and we went our separate ways. Thankfully, I was able to remain friends with those who tried to tell me the truth, and I became wiser for their knowledge.

Fast-forward several years. I had my own business, I was working twelve-hour days. I met a cute, buoyant redhead, your classic "good girl" whom, I was proud to think at the time, had sex with me on the first date. Something which she had supposedly never done. She moved in a week later. All was well. We got engaged about six months after.

But then the sex dried up and arguments started. I learned she had some skeletons in her closet that she wasn't quite over. I honestly tried to help her work them out, but she clammed up every time and refused to talk about it. It got to the point where she became both emotionally and sexually unapproachable. Weeks went by without sex, then months. I tried everything I could think of to romance her. Roses, poetry, weekends away. None of it worked.

Then I was working late one night at the warehouse with some of my employees. One of them was a pretty attractive little "punk grrl" whom I had already suspected was attracted to me, but to whom I never gave a second thought. I was flattered by her attentions, but I was also her boss and a man committed to someone else.

But on that night, I was neither. The "grrl" and I were left alone after the departure of the other employees, and, well . . . you know what happened. Funny thing, though. After the deed was done, I really didn't feel all that satisfied. I'll admit the sex was good, but . . . it had just been sex. I may as well have spent the night jerking off.

I never told my fiancee what happened, and it truthfully never happened again. In fact, the "grrl" didn't show up for work for her next shift and I never saw her again. I was actually glad for that. A few months after that incident, after more arguments and frustration, my fiancee and I split it off. Last I checked, she was doing pretty well as a professor of communications somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Point is, the act of cheating is never cut and dried. It hurt me when my first "real" girlfriend cheated on me. Made me feel like I was less than a man. I can only imagine what my former fiancee would have felt if she had known I cheated on her. But I've come to terms with that. I've accepted what I did as an act of desperation and selfishness.

I'm currently married, and have been for over six years (okay, technically, the marriage is only five years old, but we've retroacted it for six). I've told my wife all of the above, and she accepts my past even if she doesn't condone it. I can honestly say that I am happy -- in all ways -- with my relationship with my wife. We're both very sexual people. We're willing to satisfy one another.

If that was to change, would I cheat again?

No.

I've matured. Sex is a necessary part of any relationship, but even without it, the relationship can endure and faithfulness can remain. Maturity is the key. At present, because of certain health problems, my wife and I have not made love in over a month. I haven't even considered looking outside our marriage for sexual relief. It honestly has not occurred to me.

The point of all this is that, as has been posted before, there is no easy answer. Someone who cheats isn't automatically destined to do so again. People make mistakes and the self-assessing ones learn from them. The continuously selfish ones don't and continue their behavior.

When it comes to determining a particular individual's faithfulness, take into account both sides of the equation, and then factor in the maturity of those involved. If you can come up with a reliable calculation for determining sexual and/or romantic faithfulness, by all means take a plane to Geneva and accept the Nobel prize for humanities.

Or you can take the easy way and subscribe to the cut-and-dried cardboard cutout philosophy of human behavior. If my wife did that, I wouldn't be a married man today. And neither would she be a married woman right now, because of how we met. But that's a different story.

 

[StrangeLife]

People need to mind their own goddamn business and fix their own shit first.

Everyone wants to be a tattletale like LOVECRAFT.

If you watch somebody get murdered or attacked the law dictates that you have to report it. Otherwise you could face charges for obstruction... or even accessory, if your failure to react made the damage worse. Watching something imbues you with an obligation.

The point of all this is that, as has been posted before, there is no easy answer. Someone who cheats isn't automatically destined to do so again. People make mistakes and the self-assessing ones learn from them. The continuously selfish ones don't and continue their behavior..

But it is still not your decision to make.

If you see your friends spouse cheat and decides to "let it go and hope she has learned her lesson", you are making a decision regarding a major issue in another mans life behind his back. And if it should turn out that his wife hasn't learned her lesson after all, everything that happens in the future will be on your hands. That's a daunting responsibility to assume.