What would you do to fill the gap?

[Phirefly]

Hi guys,

I know this is my first post, but I've been lurking for... years, I think. I never created a username or really spent major time here until a few months ago though. I'm just looking for a little advice, and if there's a thread dedicated to this somewhere else, you can give my butt a pat in that direction. I'm sorry this is so long; I totally understand if you choose to skip it!

I probably didn't really understand that I was submissive until a few years ago, and even then I vehemently protested the possibility that I might be masochistic. I probably really knew it inside though, even then, since every one of my "masturbation fantasies" involved bondage of some sort, and many involved some sort of pain. When I really started to accept my submissive and masochistic desires, I found out that I had no outlet to express them. My partners at the time were not interested in that sort of play, and since I was still discovering at that time, I didn't push it.

For the last two years or so, I have been... yearning to submit, I guess I would say. The closest I was able to come was an online relationship for a few months with a man who was *exactly* what I wanted in a Dom. He knew what I needed even when I had no clue, and he had me testing my limits from the start. I have no idea what my limits are still, but at least he introduced me to things that I was a bit squiggly towards but ended up loving. Unfortunately, due to circumstances in his real life, that ended. I still talk to him now, but it's clear that he won't ever play that role in my life.

I am now with a wonderful man whom I love dearly. We've been together for a year, and I have a feeling we'll be together for many more. My problem is *not* the typical "The love of my life is vanilla, what do I do?" My partner is completely willing to act out and enjoy many scenes of D/s, including bondage, spanking, so on and so forth. My problem is, for me... it's just play. I'm not actually submitting to him, and in no part of my body do I feel that he is truly Dominant. We both enjoy the scenes, but they do not fulfill the need I have for true submission, letting go of control. He is a very gentle person, and will not do anything that he feels will disrespect a person. Now, that is truly a wonderful quality to have. And I'm not looking for disrespect. But I do need something to make me respect him as a Dom. And I am very sure, after much communication with him, that the type of D/s relationship that I dream after cannot happen with him. He knows this already, there is nothing to tell him that I have not told him. We have talked it to death, and lately those talks end in a bit of sadness for us both. He fulfills me in every other way.

So what do I do to fill the void? I can read stories online, and burn and ache for something that I cannot have. I can come to these boards and maybe roleplay a bit, or try to live it online. My partner would not have a problem with that. But it can't replace a live Dom behind me, paddle in hand, confident and competent. My partner and I are actually both fairly open - with time to gain trust and knowledge in someone, he probably would actually be ok with me trying to find my submissive self. However (and here's the part that may be TMI for some of you, but I have accepted it and am not afraid to say it) two months ago I tested positive for HSVII - genital herpes. I've always practiced safe sex, and I've never been tested for it before, so I can truly say I do not know when I got it, but I have it now. And thus ends my search for anything that might be someone other than my "primary."

So let's just say that I will not have the ability, at this time, to find that submissive self, to see what my limits are, to know the joy of calling someone "Sir". So what do I do to quell the ache on days that I get twisted up wanting to find out? Perhaps with time my partner and I will find a middle ground - something that at least gives me a sense of his dominance without him feeling uncomfortable with it. But... let's just say I'm not as patient of a 25-year-old woman as I maybe could be. *grins* I am dedicated to this man, though, and do not feel that this is a big enough thing to consider leaving him over. It's just a big enough thing for me to feel unfulfilled some days of the month.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, what solutions did you find?
Thanks for reading, and responding if you do, and for being the open, accepting community that I've seen you to be.

~Phire

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Submission comes from within not as a result of someone else's actions or demands. IMHO a true submissive is capable of submitting to the most gentle of partners. It is all in how one views things. For the sake of time a small example. Defer to him in all things...do his bidding and eventually you will understand that you are submitting.

d

 

[FurryFury]

In my opinion it is easy to get caught up in a fantasy of what submission "might" be like with a "real" Dom. I think few "real" Dom's are what we might imagine they should be.

Having a partner willing to do such things with you is a wonderful thing indeed.

I know you still feel hunger and needs. With Blushing Bottom's advice in mind. and some outlets such as online and/or local groups. I think you will find your peace with everything in time.

*hug*

Fury

 

[CutieMouse]

Hmm...

A) define "Truly Dominant"

B) define "true submission"

C) what magical quality would it take to make you respect someone as a Dominant partner?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Admittedly due to time constraints I have skimmed your post, but some things jumped out at me. Why would you even feel it worth considering (you must have to have gained his permission/acceptance for you to do so) online roleplaying if you feel doing what you are doing in real life with a willing and able partner is not fulfilling you because you feel you are just playing out the roles, not really feeling them? Believe me, though you might meet someone online and believe it is real, it can never beat having a real live body and mind to interact with, all it can be is fantasy role play. Saying the closest you came to real submission was with an online partner reinforces the idea that what you are dreaming of is a fantasy, most likely borne of the endless porn which bears little resemblance to RL D/s, in which case you are never going to find what you seek because what you seek is a fantasy where everything is perfect and scripted the way you see it in your head. You may have found if you met this 'online' guy that you felt nothing face to face, that he was all talk and couldn't wield a flogger to save his life, or that he didn't even turn up. I have done both and online is no substitute for a real person to play with, even one who may not be all the online lover claims to be but never has to prove in RL.

Your SO's refusal to do anything which he feels disrespects you, himself or anyone is not a sign of weakness or lack of Domliness..in fact it could be a demonstration of just how strong he could be as a Dominant to be able to resist the temptation you are throwing in his face and direct it the way he sees fit....you see that is what a Dominant does, they decide what happens and when, not refer to the submissives fantasies and then act on them the way the submissive wants and decides should happen. Why do you feel you are dedicated to your SO? Why do you want to continue if you are frustrated and not getting your needs met? What are your needs? These are questions you need to ask yourself before complicating your life further with additional relationships. The herpes issue? If you look at stats you wil find there are a lot of people with the virus, so though it may mean you need to take extra precautions, it may also mean you can find someone who fits and has the same condition.

As to how someone who has these desires copes. For me I made a decision that I needed it in a relationship and so stopped playing in the vanilla pool with those who could not give it to me no matter ho much we were suited in other ways. It just made sense to me because I hate complications and drama and there are enough of both in everyday living without going out of one's way to create more when it isn't necessary. If you truly feel you cannot live without it on some level, you do not feel the D/s chemistry with your current partner, it may be time to face that and move forward in a direction which better suits your needs.

Catalina

 

[Quint]

..............

 

[Phirefly]

Thank you all for your words.

I realize I throw generalized phrases out there like "truly dominant" or "real submission" and I think I'm realizing it's harder to express what I really mean here than I thought it would be!

I realize that I am very lucky to have the man I have, willing to experiment with some things, and I am happy to enjoy those times with him. When I say "true Dom" perhaps what I meant was "the Dom that I'm looking for". Everyone finds something different to fill their needs. And I think that is totally acceptable! Some people live the BDSM lifestyle 24 hours a day. Some people only live it in the bedroom. Some people add sex into it, and for some people it has absolutely nothing to do with sex. The only real truth is that each person has to define it for themselves. I don't feel that people who live the BDSM lifestyle in the bedroom as opposed to 24/7 are any less "submissive". They just define it differently for themselves.

I feel no desire to really do online role-playing - like you say, it doesn't compare to the real thing, and to me it's empty. As for watching porn - do you know where to find actual BDSM porn? Because I don't. All I see is fakeness and acting. That does not, and will never, turn me on. My submissive side is not based on reading Anne Roquelaire's Beauty series over and over (although I do love her writing!), or seeing some video where some naked girl is staring at the camera and making fake moans while she's being spanked. It is inside of me, and something I want to embrace.

I realized when I posted that your replies would all basically make me reevaluate what I'm really trying to get here, and why I'm not satisfied with what I have. Truth is, I don't have an answer for you! Or for myself, I guess. Maybe I just hoped someone would pop some thought out that I just had not thought about. I'm sure if I met a "Perfect Dom" one day, he would already be surrounded by a slew of lovely subs. I'm not looking for a golden-gilded fantasy... I just am ready to experience reality.

One step at a time, I guess.

Thanks again for your words. I'm sorry if anything I wrote offended you in any way!

 

[HottieMama]

I'm sure if I met a "Perfect Dom" one day, he would already be surrounded by a slew of lovely subs.

Not necessarily true. You may meet the perfect one for you when/where you are least expecting it.

We have a lot more in common than i care to share in a public forum, but i personally feel that if you don't go after what you want, you are selling yourself short...and selling your life short. If your significant other is willing to allow you to explore....Why not go for it?

"Life is too short to wear tight shoes." (my best friend's life motto.)

 

[SweetErika]

My partner and I are actually both fairly open - with time to gain trust and knowledge in someone, he probably would actually be ok with me trying to find my submissive self. However (and here's the part that may be TMI for some of you, but I have accepted it and am not afraid to say it) two months ago I tested positive for HSVII - genital herpes. I've always practiced safe sex, and I've never been tested for it before, so I can truly say I do not know when I got it, but I have it now. And thus ends my search for anything that might be someone other than my "primary."

I'm confused as to why your HSV diagnosis ends your search for other partners. Close to a quarter of American adults have it, which means a good number of those in the lifestyle do as well. I can think of a few regulars of this forum alone who have said they have genital herpes off the top of my head, and at least one of them has multiple partners. I know many more in real time who don't have qualms about playing with those with HSV or HPV, provided they're honest from the start and strict about taking precautions. As long as you're upfront and educated about it, it really shouldn't preclude you from exploring with other people.

Apart from the recommended course of prophylactic medication, condoms and dental dams, and not doing anything risky when you have an outbreak, the only thing I'd say is to maybe wait a bit until you have a good grasp of how you feel when you're getting an outbreak. It's not perfect, but I think knowing my body, the situations and symptoms well is a good part of what has kept my husband from getting HSV-1 for nearly a decade.

 

[JMohegan]

I realized when I posted that your replies would all basically make me reevaluate what I'm really trying to get here, and why I'm not satisfied with what I have.

D/s is a symbiotic and fundamentally reciprocal relationship.

Perhaps it would be helpful to spend some time thinking not only about what you want to get, but what you have to offer as well.

 

[Phirefly]

D/s is a symbiotic and fundamentally reciprocal relationship.

Perhaps it would be helpful to spend some time thinking not only about what you want to get, but what you have to offer as well.

*grumble grumble* What, you mean I have to do something too? Aren't I supposed to just.. sit back and let him dominate me? *grins* I fully admit that I sometimes get caught up in what I feel I need without thinking about what I give, but in general I think I'm usually pretty good at that.

As far as the whole topic of genital herpes goes - mine is completely asymptomatic, so no outbreaks, no symptoms. Which makes it harder to pass anyways, but certainly still possible. I think the reason that it puts any sort of looking on hold for me is because it's still a brand new diagnosis, and before I attempt to approach the world (and possible partners!) with it, I first have to fully embrace it within myself. I do not feel that having HSVII means the end of sex in my life, but I think it will modify the way I behave a little bit. Probably for the better - because I try to look at most everything in a positive way, I usually think about how I've grown up, just in these few months since the diagnosis. When life gives you lemons... suck the juice outta them and pucker up.

I have a very good friend here that's part of a munch group. I've thought about asking her to introduce me to the group, see if I fit in. I think that participating in a munch group would do a lot to help me discover new things that I may enjoy, or experience some limits, however I don't think it would do much towards the emotional need that I have. Perhaps, however, the combination of the group with my relationship with my lover may make me a little less frustrated. Does anyone have any experience/advice with munch groups?

I'm sorry if I sound like a whiny child to some of you who have been comfortable and happy in the lifestyle for some time. I'm trying to curb the child and embrace the adult, but some days I feel like the whole adult thing is still so new! *winks* But I want to enter this lifestyle as a woman, not a girl, and I'm just trying to find my way towards that!

 

[JMohegan]

*grumble grumble* What, you mean I have to do something too? Aren't I supposed to just.. sit back and let him dominate me? *grins* I fully admit that I sometimes get caught up in what I feel I need without thinking about what I give, but in general I think I'm usually pretty good at that.

I am not trying to chastise you. I am trying to help you understand a point that various people have made in different ways.

My partner is completely willing to act out and enjoy many scenes of D/s, including bondage, spanking, so on and so forth. My problem is, for me... it's just play. I'm not actually submitting to him, and in no part of my body do I feel that he is truly Dominant. We both enjoy the scenes, but they do not fulfill the need I have for true submission, letting go of control.

In this situation, he is not "truly" Dominant and you are not "truly" submissive in equal degrees.

Your failure to submit and let go of control is just that - your failure. Of course, he has a role in this too.... but that's my point. It's a reciprocal relationship.

Submission is not simply a matter of dropping to the floor when he gives the command to kneel. Submission means deferring to the preferences, will, and needs of the Dominant.

What explains your failure to offer this for him?

He is a very gentle person, and will not do anything that he feels will disrespect a person. Now, that is truly a wonderful quality to have. And I'm not looking for disrespect. But I do need something to make me respect him as a Dom.

Rough sex? SM? Humiliation play? Is that the type of thing we are talking about here?

There is nothing wrong with having those needs and desires. But the problem may not be that he's non-Dominant. Instead, the problem may be that your kinks are poorly matched.

And I am very sure, after much communication with him, that the type of D/s relationship that I dream after cannot happen with him. He knows this already, there is nothing to tell him that I have not told him. We have talked it to death, and lately those talks end in a bit of sadness for us both.

"Honey, I don't respect you as a Dom" would be a very painful observation, no doubt.

But remember, if that's the dialogue you're having, that he has no reason to respect you as a submissive, either.

Food for thought, as you frame your discussions.

 

[FurryFury]

*grumble grumble* What, you mean I have to do something too? Aren't I supposed to just.. sit back and let him dominate me? *grins* I fully admit that I sometimes get caught up in what I feel I need without thinking about what I give, but in general I think I'm usually pretty good at that.

As far as the whole topic of genital herpes goes - mine is completely asymptomatic, so no outbreaks, no symptoms. Which makes it harder to pass anyways, but certainly still possible. I think the reason that it puts any sort of looking on hold for me is because it's still a brand new diagnosis, and before I attempt to approach the world (and possible partners!) with it, I first have to fully embrace it within myself. I do not feel that having HSVII means the end of sex in my life, but I think it will modify the way I behave a little bit. Probably for the better - because I try to look at most everything in a positive way, I usually think about how I've grown up, just in these few months since the diagnosis. When life gives you lemons... suck the juice outta them and pucker up.

I have a very good friend here that's part of a munch group. I've thought about asking her to introduce me to the group, see if I fit in. I think that participating in a munch group would do a lot to help me discover new things that I may enjoy, or experience some limits, however I don't think it would do much towards the emotional need that I have. Perhaps, however, the combination of the group with my relationship with my lover may make me a little less frustrated. Does anyone have any experience/advice with munch groups?

I'm sorry if I sound like a whiny child to some of you who have been comfortable and happy in the lifestyle for some time. I'm trying to curb the child and embrace the adult, but some days I feel like the whole adult thing is still so new! *winks* But I want to enter this lifestyle as a woman, not a girl, and I'm just trying to find my way towards that!

Munch groups could help you in a few ways, IMO. First of all you might find out that there are no magical Doms like you imagine.

Second, you could become educated on some BDSM activities and if your husband goes, so could he. Which could lead to him accepting and possibly embracing things more. The whole , no, we are not the only ones thing is a great thing to understand as well. Also demos can help with safety issues.

Third it could provide play for you, you and your husband or your husband that is with a "real" Dom. Again, I think you will find they don't match your fantasies.

I can sympathize. I had my Dom fantasies too. I dearly wanted to just bask in the aura of a truly confident Dom. Now that I've met a few I can tell you, they are just people. Sure some of them may be wonderful people but they are still just people. In most cases I feel like I project the most dominant aura in the damn room. LMAO.

Fury