What were some mistakes you made during your first five years involved with BDSM?

[Mr Blonde]

Think back to your early days...what mistakes did you make?

As for me, some immediate answers come to mind:

1. Not experienced enough to realize that each relationship is different and things change significantly with each new partner

2. Being in a rush and moving too fast (at times)

3. Not rectifying weaknesses in my technical knowledge fast enough (basic safety, adequate knowledge of tools, etc.)

4. Inadequate screening process when selecting potential submissives

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Think back to your early days...what mistakes did you make?

As for me, some immediate answers come to mind:

1. Not experienced enough to realize that each relationship is different and things change significantly with each new partner

2. Being in a rush and moving too fast (at times)

3. Not rectifying weaknesses in my technical knowledge fast enough (basic safety, adequate knowledge of tools, etc.)

4. Inadequate screening process when selecting potential submissives

2 & 4, especially for me.

 

[WillowPuss]

Thinking that other subs/slaves were 'better' than I was because they took more pain/humiliation/bondage/whatever.

W/we have since realsied that every Master/sub-slave relationship is unique. What works with/for one doesn't neccessarily work with/for another.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Think back to your early days...what mistakes did you make?

2. Being in a rush and moving too fast (at times)

Rings a big bell.

i put a choke collar with spikes turned inward on BOW&F most of the time. Sometimes the bastard blew down the cage door anyway and it turned into a drag contest.

Richard49 quoted it best,

Two bulls are on the top of a hill looking down at a herd of cows. The young bull says to the older bull, 'pop, let's run down there and fuck one of those cows.' The papa bull says, 'no, son, let's walk down there and fuck 'em all.'
-- Colors, the movie

i smacked BOW&F enough times while reminding him,

"no, let's stroll down the hillside and take care of one so well nothing else exists."

Stupid cat clawed furrows down the hill anyway. He sits in a cage now remembering what it was to be wild.

 

[WriterDom]

I do look back at times and wish that the Dom they had then, was the Dom I am today. But you have to chalk it up to experience and continue to grow.

 

[tythisredheadup]

I'm still new at this and have not hit the 5-year mark yet. But one thing I can't keep from doing is smiling and giggling. At times, it feels so good, I am reduced to nothing but a 13-year-old giggling schoolgirl. To one, it made him angry, like I was mocking him. But, it really had nothing to do with him. Hell, I giggled thru my entire wedding ceremony.

 

[fallon2]

Yes

Yes, I would agree on moving too fast.
Still happens that I move too fast. I enjoy the sensuality of the beginning and the sensuality of the first meeting with the sub.

 

[Technodivinitas]

Wanting to be Topped by Any/Everyone.

I guess that qualifies as moving too fast, huhn?

On a separate note, I had a pretty wrong experience with an extremely novice Dom that I would have handled much differently, if I were the sub I am today...

By novice Dom, I mean extremely novice- neither he nor I at that point had any clue that there even was such a thing as a Scene that we could be a part of, or safety/sanity rules that we should be following. We'd been kind of "courting", (more accurately, fucking and rough-playing in every dark corner we could find,) for several weeks, and had known each other only a little longer than that, and he was well aware that I liked it rough & scary. So one evening at a local LARP, (Roleplaying games- not the sexual kind,) he cornered me, completely in character, in a secluded stairwell and intimidated/threatened me a bunch, just for kicks. I was digging, he was digging, all was well on the consentual front, when he bent me forward over a handrail and put out his cigarette on my lower back. No warning, no discussion of limits, no opportunity for consent or safewords...

I could easily have reported him for assault, and attempted rape, and god knows what else, and I don't think someone in that situation would have been completely wrong to do so, but I didn't. I felt that serious harm was never his intention, and that he was following the "rules" that we'd been playing by all along, and I accepted at least partial responsibility for that. And I don't think any of those reactions, in hindsight, was wrong. (Not least because he'd been correct in believing it would turn me on quite a bit...)

What was wrong was, I didn't take him aside later and make it very clear to him the potential harm, to me and to himself, he could have potentially done. I'd been "playing rough" for a really long time outside of any structure of "The Scene", and I should have taken the time and opportunity to explain why that had been kinda out of bounds.

Happily, he's now a respected (and responsible) member of our local D/s community, so I imagine he looks back on it with the same mixture of wist and horror as I.

(I can't tell you how much my current Master loathes that little round scar though!)

 

[A Desert Rose]

You are assuming that I made mistakes.

Me? Make mistakes? AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAH. Never.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

The Edge

I'm about at the 5year mark from where I first became enthralled with bdsm maybe abit longer.. but the general practice and actual "hands on" has only been 2 years. My mistakes thus far.

1. confusion of wether I was a top or bottom and the rat race it became for me to discover what niche I fitted into. ( Since I identify myself as a switch now.. My head is still decideing. and I'm letting it take it's time in decideing.)

2. Same as most. rushing into things way to fast. I knew what I wanted.. and at first I didn't care that my partner didn't. No safewords.. no discussing beforehand.. just rough and dirty. It's still rough and dirty but he asks before doing.. which is getting annoying and if you've read my other posts you'll understand. implimenting the safe word is admitting he's "actually" participateing in bdsm. As long as he asks.. I'm fine with his comfort level at the moment.

3. I just didn't give a damn about my body or my mind.. I wanted to be rolled over and consumed by it all... which I still want.. but not at any price. And I've got time.

4. hideing. Up until about a year ago I always hid that part of myself to EVERYONE. Even with boyfriends and such, If they'de get abit rough during sex all the better to me.. but I'de never tell them that they where hurting me and that I indeed enjoy it. Now if somebody asks or implys a bdsm theme I admit it with a tinge of disinterest. I've found most people either dispise you for it or have a genuine interest in what it truely is. Most people don't tell there families about such things.. but haveing a few interesting health issues they are aware of some of my "kinks".

5. not sure if this is a mistake or not but at first I just couldn't admit to myself I enjoyed it as much as I did.

 

[JoseIsWild]

The only major mistake was not discovering it sooner. I lost my first gf b/c I was not aggressive enough in the bedroom.

 

[Netzach]

1. Trying to submit

2. Being overly cautious about trying things as a Top, worrying too much about how I'd "rate" before trying something new

3. Holding back

 

[Mr Blonde]

1. Not experienced enough to realize that each relationship is different and things change significantly with each new partner

2. Being in a rush and moving too fast (at times)

3. Not rectifying weaknesses in my technical knowledge fast enough (basic safety, adequate knowledge of tools, etc.)

4. Inadequate screening process when selecting potential submissives

5. Poor aftercare skills

6. Confusing "emotional aloofness" with being "in control"

 

[Cen]

There was a time when I was just out of a relationship and felt this huge void and was willing to let it be filled by any numnut... Until one night I snapped. Nothing is scarier than a sub who's pissed to holy hell... worse than a woman scorned I tell you.

Let's see that would be around the 4 year mark too. As I look back now, I think about how stupid I was and shake my head in disbelief.

The other stupid thing I did was try to convince myself that a vanilla man was a Dom in the closet. I have since learned no matter what they say if they don't like spanking you, they'll never like spanking you.





Cen

 

[Quint]

Re: Re: What were some mistakes you made during your first five years involved with B

6. Confusing "emotional aloofness" with being "in control"

1.) Same in reverse. Thinking that because I'd labelled him "dominant," he could do whatever he wanted, however unfair, arbitrary, thoughtless, and emotionally damaging. Thinking that I didn't really have needs, or if I did, they were second-place-and-perhaps-optional. He got away with a LOT before we knew better.

2.) Confusing fantasy for reality, pretty words for enjoyable actions, and nice daydreams for a life worth living after the scene is done.

3.) Communicating every step of the way. I'm one of those that put up a good front and acted like I had everything taken care of until the shit hit the fan and I realized I was NOT ok. Get me to talk about my fantasies, no problem. Get me to talk about my needs, bah.

Heh, nice how talking about issues in the past tense makes a person feel all nice and civilized. Look at me, I'm a reformed human being.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: What were some mistakes you made during your first five years involved with B

Heh, nice how talking about issues in the past tense makes a person feel all nice and civilized. Look at me, I'm a reformed human being.

Perhaps, but every word you uttered is getting the silent nods by many.

 

[LadyAndrivete]

Deleted.

 

[NCShin]

My single biggest mistake would have to be staying with my ex for so long.

She was not submissive, but wanted to please me so badly (in a purely vanilla way) that she was willing to do "submissive things" even if she didn't actually want, or like them.

Once I saw that I should have left the relationship, but I didn't and we stayed together almost 2 years. I wasn't happy, I doubt that she was happy and the sex got worse and worse.

Taking it a step further, I'd likely have left the second I saw the half smoked joint on her dresser after our first date. I hate drugs and avoid those who use them. Though to her credit, knowing this, she never once smoked while I was there.

 

[pandoravampire]

mistakes

im still in the first 5 years, and so far the mistakes have been plenty, if not serious thank goodness.
My first mistake was an advert i made: i clearly worded this wrong, and it didnt get the response id been hoping for. It seems that clear communication, though lauded in bdsm world, is a rare phenomena. Honesty ditto.
My biggest mistake was to try and turn a vanilla relationship into a bdsm one. Worth a go, as id been with the partner for over 12 yrs - but it seriously didnt work.
Thinking with my clit, this has hampered outcomes on occasions.
Finding my perfect partner, falling in love/lust and letting it go because i was scared of commitment to something i did not understand at the time

 

[Mr Blonde]

BUMP

Any other replies?

 

[snowy ciara]

I don't know if my opinion counts since I'm still in the baby steps area. Just getting my toes wet. But for a long time I was confused about the difference between a dominant personality and a dominant. That was my first mistake; I managed to get myself fucked up badly because I didn't get out fast enough when it crossed into abuse. Second mistake: even when I knew I had to get out, I still submitted to this person because I couldn't figure out how to get out gracefully with as little damage as possible. And also because my desire for submission was being fed in some really sick way. I don't know if that last bit counts as a mistake or not, since it's sort of entwined with mistake number two. My ego wants to put those two together, though, just to make me feel better about it.

 

[MissTaken]

Think back to your early days...what mistakes did you make?

That I am only in year three, I will revisit this thread in a couple of years.



Nice topic, though, Mr. Blonde.

 

[Despina]

- Hesitated

- Let the focus slip a little too far to the feel side, leaving the continue/go focus untended.

- Too fast/Too slow (situationally speaking)

- Unreasonable Expectations

- Underestimated the scope & draw of the lifestyle.

- Took myself too seriously at first.

~Despina

 

[babiesmiles]

I'm still in my first steps in this area , so I'm still making some mistakes!!

But I'm reading and learning , gathering evidence of lots of informations, besides doing an honest journey into my wishes and desires .

And obviously I'm making treasure of others' more experienced people . Thanks

 

[CutieMouse]

Hmm... I'm still in mistake-land I think. I'm in research year number 2, dipping my toes in real life month number ummm..... 3? LOL

Mistakes-

Miscommunicating with somone online and not being able to repair the breach of trust. Lesson learned? Think carefully in all communication.

Moving too fast IRL. Lesson learned? There is a lifetime ahead of me and it's worth it to wait for something that deeply feels RIGHT.