What went wrong?

[CrimsonMaiden]

Ok, my newest story was recently posted and so far, it's doing horribly in the ratings. I honestly thought it was a pretty good story... so can any of you tell me where I went wrong?

I would greatly appreciate it!

A Tryst to Scream For

 

[Singularity]

It is a good story

I suspect you are getting mostly low votes because the story is "non-conventional" in that Dena is not a Barbie-doll beauty and the kind of girl that every man drools over with his 24-inch-long cock dragging on the ground. The strokers will not get a lot out of it.

There are some paragraphing things I would fix, where the dialog or the focus shifts between them, and a few overly-flowery descriptions, but nothing to drag the story down to the basement.

This is simply a good story that is not the average stroke-story. So it won't get a lot of readers or votes, but it is a good story nonetheless.


Sin.

 

[spyro1123]

I think this was a good story with moments of brilliance. The sex scene was wonderful.

I think where you run into trouble is in the dialogue. It feels a little stilted.

"I can smell you, the earthy musk of your arousal. It's intoxicating." i dont know many people who would talk like this in bed, i think you would be better just saying that he could smell the earthy musk of her arousal and it was intoxicating.

"Yes you, beautiful. Being larger doesn't mean that you are fat, and it definitely doesn't mean that you aren't beautiful. Strip for me, Dena."

First i would loose the "larger" it sounds to much like big boned. I would like it better if he just mentioned things that he did like. something like "Yes you, beautiful. You aren't fat, you have curves you have wonderfull breasts and such yummy hips."

There are a couple of other lines that sound a little false, i think you might want to try reading out the dialogue aloud to yourself to see if it sounds silly. All in all i liked it a lot the dialogue snapped me out of the story from time to time but aside from that it was very good.

 

[MaxSebastian]

Hi Crim, I agree with the comments already posted - particularly about the dialogue, it does sound a little false. Definitely good to read it aloud and see if it would be something someone would say to someone else.

Your writing is great, very sensual and atmospheric. But I would warn you against using too many adverbs - you use a lot of them. For example, here's two in one sentence:

Dena thankfully took the offered beer and quickly drank it down in large gulps.

We all do it, I'm just as bad, but the frequency of adverbs seems more overt than usual in this story. As well as slowing down the action of the verb they come next to, it gets a little same-y when you use them too frequently. You would do much better varying your language a little more.

I don't think this problem is going to hit your votes much, though. I think the main problem as far as the voters are concerned is that a lot of them may not have read your other stories, and although you say at the beginning that this could be a stand-alone story, there isn't enough characterisation or build-up for that to be strictly the case.

I have to say, I've not read your other stories yet - I've not been on Literotica much in the last year or so due to the death of my old computer - and so I treated this as a 'stand alone'. So I can't comment on what you may have written elsewhere. But on this one, I had no idea who these characters were, where they met, what they are like, why they are attracted to each other.

Even if you have put all this characterisation information in previous stories, it's always a good idea in sequels to put in a reminder of some of the main points already covered. As well as bringing new readers up to date, it gives old readers a chance to remember the previous stories.

If you read the Harry Potter books from the Chamber of Secrets onwards, you'll notice that JK Rowling is very good at dropping a few reminders in where needed (particularly in her early chapters) Chapter one usually tells us he is staying with his aunt and uncle and reminds us how awful his cousin is, even though most of the world must know by now all this stuff. It all helps ease us back into a book if it's been a year or so since she wrote the last one.

I think in your story, Dena and Evan seem a little too faceless, and readers tend to vote higher when they get into the characters. Sure, you've given us a link to the earlier stories, but most voters want something right there, they want the necessary information along with the story they are reading.

Good sex, but if there was a little more of a build-up, flirting, a bit more foreplay, before the tearing of clothes and plumbing of depths, that might also induce higher votes. I know I always get a good reaction to a good build-up in my stories.

Hope that helps!

Max

 

[the brothers cum]

Power Dynamics

I think a lot of the problem may have been because of the power dynamic. In the story at present, Evan is portrayed as Dena's physical, intellectual and emotional superior. She is the naive virgin to the point that it is actually exasperating, and she is passive in all respects. Things are done to her or she is ordered to do things (like strip). None of it comes from her. This makes for a difficult protagonist. What is it about her that the reader is meant to sympathise with/root for/admire? Show us her sense of humor, ambition...etc. What does she actually look like -- there is vague mention of her thinking she's overweight but make it a vivid image. Who is she? More importantly, what ways she could she be more active -- without being ordered -- in the situation? Even the most insecure woman on the planet has some volition.

Are there any ways to create more variation of Evan and Dena's statuses. Could we see his insecurities and her strengths? Are there any things which she is gifted in that he is not? Also -- suspense! From the first 2 sentences the story's progress is certain. You set up the situation and we know, naive virgin, experienced dude -- they will have sex. What twists and turns can you add to the position?

And even Evan in his role as 'dashing man to bring her out of her shell and make her appreciate her beauty' is not perfect. Why? Because how does he make her more confident and secure -- by ordering her around and making her strip for him. This is a paradox. Additionally, all of his supposed sensetivity is obstructed by cliche. "Don't worry, I'll be gentle" is a wonderful sentiment, if the reader could believe it. Unfortunately this line is used so often in erotica and movies it is too cliched to fully convince. How could Evan show his gentleness in his story more convincingly? Perhaps he could ask her what she wants?

Finally, the actual sexual contact is described in mechanical terms as opposed to sensual. What are the textures, the scents, the flavors? Take more time in the descriptions.

Now, I know this seems like a pretty extreme critique but I work as an editor for The Onion so I don't really mince words about language; I also think the story has moments of great potential so I'd rather be honest and see it blossom into an amazing work of fiction than mince words out of politeness.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Thanks for all of the comments. They helped alot!

 

[wishfulthinking]

I thought it was great! There were a couple of dialogue things that can be easily fixed, but the flow and the detail was definitely there.

The only thing I would say is that show us why Evan likes her., and why she likes him. I know it is the sequel, but maybe a bit more of a build-up that led to that situation - and then chuck it in the romance category

Very well written, but just let her character shine through a little more eg show us that she is nervous at first when she begins to strip, then becomes a teasing, mischevious seductress when she realises her effect on him.

Voted and PC'd! Great to have CM back!