What To Remember...?

[faulknerlovr]

Hey everybody, I've been reading a lot about the BDSM lifestyle and I think I would like to try a Dom/Sub sexual encounter with my girlfriend. We have been together for 3 years and she tells me that she wants me to take control more in the bedroom/play with her and that I don't have to ask her permission or what she thinks about something I want to try. I think I have what I would like to do in my mind and sort of planned out. I was wondering...what are some good things to remember or some good rules of thumb to follow when first entering into this type of sexual activity? Any advice? THANKS!

 

[FurryFury]

This is exciting but her not wanting to talk about what she wants or doesn't want is a warning sign to me.

I'd want more information if I were you, I'd require it. There is so much you could do. People's tastes and freak out points are so different.

At the very least, I'd get a safeword system in place before I started with her. Hopefully she is not one of those, "you should know what I'm thinking" or "I don't want to take any responsibility for myself" people.

Taking an inventory of BDSM interests using a check list or whatever you like would be a good way to find your common points. Some find it boring to do that but I think exploration and communication are exciting and key.

FF

 

[faulknerlovr]

This is exciting but her not wanting to talk about what she wants or doesn't want is a warning sign to me.

I'd want more information if I were you, I'd require it. There is so much you could do. People's tastes and freak out points are so different.

At the very least, I'd get a safeword system in place before I started with her. Hopefully she is not one of those, "you should know what I'm thinking" or "I don't want to take any responsibility for myself" people.

Taking an inventory of BDSM interests using a check list or whatever you like would be a good way to find your common points. Some find it boring to do that but I think exploration and communication are exciting and key.

FF

These are very good points, Fury and I appreciate you replying. I think the fact that we have been together for 3 years says something about my knowing what she likes and doesn't like. I would most certainly develop a safeword for our first play (and beyond) so that if she becomes uncomfortable she can let me know. What she doesn't want is me asking her what she wants and then delivering it to her on a silver platter, as if it wasn't my idea at all.

Our relationship has been a lot of my girlfriend saying what she likes or suggesting things and me going along with it (my sexual experience is much less than that of my girlfriend), so she definitely wants to see me take charge. She has been very explicit about me wanting to play with her. And I'm not very interested in the more extreme forms of BDSM, so I wonder if that extra info is any more helpful in giving you a light bulb as to what advice to give. Thanks!

 

[eastern sun]

These are very good points, Fury and I appreciate you replying. I think the fact that we have been together for 3 years says something about my knowing what she likes and doesn't like. I would most certainly develop a safeword for our first play (and beyond) so that if she becomes uncomfortable she can let me know. What she doesn't want is me asking her what she wants and then delivering it to her on a silver platter, as if it wasn't my idea at all.

Our relationship has been a lot of my girlfriend saying what she likes or suggesting things and me going along with it (my sexual experience is much less than that of my girlfriend), so she definitely wants to see me take charge. She has been very explicit about me wanting to play with her. And I'm not very interested in the more extreme forms of BDSM, so I wonder if that extra info is any more helpful in giving you a light bulb as to what advice to give. Thanks!

I recommend you act on your ideas. Allow yourself to actually take control of the moment and see where it leads. (I'm not sure what you're thinking of doing, but a lot of times I used to fight back and resist in the early days. He would overpower me, and that alone would heighten my arousal.)

I personally don't think you need to overtalk this kind of exploration with a known partner before it occurs. You're probably going to be able to read her responses pretty accurately; and I'm assuming you already care enough to keep in mind her well-being. As long as you don't take it personally if it doesn't go the way you planned, and learn from the experience, it can be the first step in the creation of a very interesting sexual relationship.

 

[faulknerlovr]

Hi, Eastern, thanks for your input! For the first time, I was planning on blindfolding her and then telling her the rules of the game that I would like to play with her; also, this being the first time, I was not planning on trying anything crazy. I plan on initially undressing her while she is standing up and using light touches, then having her undress me while blindfolded in order to heighten suspense, then moving to the bed with bondage (tying hands and feet spread apart), orgasm denial, ice cubes (maybe also hot wax), and once she orgasms, I would have her service me orally and then I think that I will be so aroused that I'll be able to come another time in short succession.

If that helps, let me know of any other suggestions you may have! Thanks for being so supportive! This group is great.

P.S: One question I have is about using names like "slut" or "bitch". I think I actually like the thought of using those words, but am I wrong in thinking that that's something that needs to be discussed before attempting to use the word in practice?

 

[eastern sun]

Hi, Eastern, thanks for your input! For the first time, I was planning on blindfolding her and then telling her the rules of the game that I would like to play with her; also, this being the first time, I was not planning on trying anything crazy. I plan on initially undressing her while she is standing up and using light touches, then having her undress me while blindfolded in order to heighten suspense, then moving to the bed with bondage (tying hands and feet spread apart), orgasm denial, ice cubes (maybe also hot wax), and once she orgasms, I would have her service me orally and then I think that I will be so aroused that I'll be able to come another time in short succession.

If that helps, let me know of any other suggestions you may have! Thanks for being so supportive! This group is great.

P.S: One question I have is about using names like "slut" or "bitch". I think I actually like the thought of using those words, but am I wrong in thinking that that's something that needs to be discussed before attempting to use the word in practice?

You know your girlfriend better than we do. I personally don't think it needs to be discussed, but if you think there's a possibility she will freeze up or shut down or become angry, then you may want to discuss it with her. And you can just ask, "what would you think if I called you . . . while we were having sex" without going into the details of your plan. (I can't stress enough that I think you should keep your plan to yourself. You're not planning to do anything too aggressive. And, if she's like me, she'll enjoy it more if she doesn't know what's coming.)

 

[midwestyankee]

I would list out the things that you want to do and then look for a unifying theme. Do most of your ideas involve pain, surprise, sensations, restraining her, embarrassing her, or whatever. Then pick a theme and cross off all the items that don't fit that theme. For your first venture, keep things simple. As any comedian (or successful top) will tell you, it's far better to leave them wanting more for a return engagement than to use all your ammunition and have nothing left for the second Saturday night show.

 

[faulknerlovr]

I would list out the things that you want to do and then look for a unifying theme. Do most of your ideas involve pain, surprise, sensations, restraining her, embarrassing her, or whatever. Then pick a theme and cross off all the items that don't fit that theme. For your first venture, keep things simple. As any comedian (or successful top) will tell you, it's far better to leave them wanting more for a return engagement than to use all your ammunition and have nothing left for the second Saturday night show.

Ahh, this is a great piece of advice, Yankee! I was wondering if that was too much to use for the first time and I think you pretty much hit on what I was thinking. Thanks for your advice.

 

[midwestyankee]

Ahh, this is a great piece of advice, Yankee! I was wondering if that was too much to use for the first time and I think you pretty much hit on what I was thinking. Thanks for your advice.

By the way, given your screen name, I'm going to advise you against any and all uses of corn cobs.

 

[faulknerlovr]

By the way, given your screen name, I'm going to advise you against any and all uses of corn cobs.

Haha thank you, Yankee for the Sanctuary reference.