What to do when you don't feel the same

[Guest]

Yeah, I'm posting as unregistered because I'm embarrassed. I am a semi-regular poster here, so I'm hoping I can get some advice regardless.

I'm really not too proud of something I've done. I met a guy, attractive as all hell and nice to boot. Only problem was he's married. I know how that sounds, how can he be nice when he's cheating, but he really IS a good guy. Take my word for it.

Anyway, we became friends, you know...go out to lunch once in a while, that kind of thing. He seemed interested in at least flirting with me, so I flirted back. Then he seemed a little interested in more, stuff like casually touching me when he hadn't before, so again, I reciprocated.

He stopped by one night to drop off a movie he had borrowed and long story short we ended up messing around. We haven't had sex and I'm not sure that we will, but we've fooled around a few times. I told him that we were friends with benefits, and NOTHING more because I'm not looking for anything serious, especially from a married man. He seemed totally OK with it. Maybe a little too OK.

Well, now he's going a little overboard. He's started buying me things, nothing big and not often, but he still does it. I know how embarrassed I would feel if someone refused a gift from me, so I accept them but I really wish he'd stop it. He's not trying to buy my feelings, he's doing it because he really, really likes me and genuinely wants to, but I won't and can't return his feelings.

He's started saying things to me now like "I was thinking about you last night" and "it must have been fate we met", things you don't say to someone unless you have deeper feelings for them.

He's not dangerous, and I know he won't get obsessive and start stalking me or anything, he's just a guy who's probably bored in his marriage and finds the company of a younger woman exciting, and hell, he probably even thinks he has feelings for me.

I know I got myself into this mess and I'm the one that needs to get myself out...I just don't know how I'm going to do that. I really want to keep him as a friend, but OTOH I've been in relationships where I had feelings for someone that weren't returned and I know he can't just turn his feelings off like I can't turn mine on. But how do I tell him he's locked on the wrong person?

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Guest]

I don't think he visits this site.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[alexandraaah]

If you're not sure that being completely honest will be effective, you have a very obvious out, in that he's married.

Explain to him that you don't feel right being with someone who's married, (only if you're sure this won't prompt divorce papers).

I'm one to go the honest route, but it sounds like you kinda lose your nerve once you get around him.

What's your concern about telling him?

 

[Guest]

Yeah, but I kind of made the first move. I'll look like an ass if I "back out" on him. Truth be known I probably am an ass for leading him on in the first place. I'm attracted to him and I like him, so I thought I could get my cake and eat it too. I'm stupid. Someone please tell me that.

 

[Guest]

I guess I do lose my nerve around him. I just don't want to hurt his feelings. And since the whole thing was kind of my doing, I feel guilty being the one to break it off...you know, like it's not "fair" or something. I know this whole situation sounds fucked up and it is. On one hand I'm flattered that someone likes me that much, and on the other he's just coming on too strong. Note to self: do not get involved with married men.

 

[alexandraaah]

Yeah, but I kind of made the first move. I'll look like an ass if I "back out" on him. Truth be known I probably am an ass for leading him on in the first place. I'm attracted to him and I like him, so I thought I could get my cake and eat it too. I'm stupid. Someone please tell me that.

Okay, you're stupid. *smack upside the head*

Take a deep breath and stop taking yourself so seriously. You're at a point where you can (maybe) salvage a friendship, but more importantly, not be the woman on the side of a marriage.

Just stop.

 

[alexandraaah]

Dear Mr. X,

I just feel awful giving up on this new and not very intense relationship. I feel awful because, well, you're married and that's what makes this so difficult. I mean, if you weren't married, this would be a breeze, but, since you are, I just feel so guilty. You're like a saint, cheating on your wife, maybe you even have kids! And I, what did I do to deserve you?

I don't get it.

I believe you that he's a nice man, but come on, this is a no-brainer.

 

[riff]

I read up to the word "MARRIED."

Have a nice day.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Ok, as a relatively new poster, please be kind, however, I have to put my 2 cents worth in here. It kinda sounds to me like you don't really want to break off this relationship. And once you've gone from being "just friends" there's really no going back, especially for guys (as has been my experience). So my advice is to really think about what you truely want to do, then just bite the bullet and do it. Honesty is always the best policy, people usually don't get hurt as badly if you are totally honest with them. I wish you the best of luck in whatever your decision is.

 

[Olivianna]

You are stupid.

People 'back out' all of the time without worrying about whether they look like asses or not. Imtimacy isn't a game with set rules. You need to make your own rules and then stick by them.

Anyway, I have very little taste for adultery. In fact, it makes me sick (and I have been the adulterer, and am the daughter of adulterers). Go ahead and eat your cake, but just remember that you're not the only eating from it.

 

[Guest]