What to do when you are "outed"?

Big_James

Experienced
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Aug 27, 2006
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33
Let me explain, shortly after I came out, I was invited to a party, one of the girls there who happened to be a friend of a friend came up to me and we were having a simple FRIENDLY conversation, there was no flirting or anything like that going on. Well one of my friends who knew I was gay, run up to where we were sitting and blurted out at the top of his lungs, "You dont have a chance girl, he is gay." Like I said me and the girl were just having an innocent conversation about different things. Well at the announcement everything got real quiet and all eyes were on me. I cleared mythroat and admitted that I was gay, then the party got started again.

The first couple of seconds after my friend outed me, I was embarassed and then I got pissed. The town I used to live in was very religious and it was a semi small town and word spreads quickly.

anyways, what would you do in that situation?
 
What an asshole. Your drunk, obnoxious "friend" should be embarrassed, not you.
 
Big_James said:
Let me explain, shortly after I came out, I was invited to a party, one of the girls there who happened to be a friend of a friend came up to me and we were having a simple FRIENDLY conversation, there was no flirting or anything like that going on. Well one of my friends who knew I was gay, run up to where we were sitting and blurted out at the top of his lungs, "You dont have a chance girl, he is gay." Like I said me and the girl were just having an innocent conversation about different things. Well at the announcement everything got real quiet and all eyes were on me. I cleared mythroat and admitted that I was gay, then the party got started again.

The first couple of seconds after my friend outed me, I was embarassed and then I got pissed. The town I used to live in was very religious and it was a semi small town and word spreads quickly.

anyways, what would you do in that situation?


It sounds as if you handled it as best you could.

"Yeah, so?" is probably the best possible response.
 
I had a similar situation when I first started coming out. It was back in 96 and I was in the military at the time. I had just been processed for discharge (for homosexual conduct no less) and was sitting at a party being held in our barracks dorm. I would say about a third of the people there already new, but at one point (there was drinking involved), one of the guys comes up and half hollars (bear in mind he was a little drunk), "Hey, I just heard that YOU'RE GAY?"

Dead silence in a room full of about 50 military men and women. Not much I could say at that point. About 21 days later I was a civilian moving back home.

All I could do after was look around and say "Well Ya? You mean you didn't know? Damn, where the hell have you been?"

I have a nasty habit of taking situations like that and seeing how far I can push them. Guess I'm a bit of a drama queen in that regard. Try to take the embarressment and attention off yourself and turn it back onto the other person. I've been known to go so far as to goose people that act like that afterword just to see the reaction. :D
 
Sounds like that friend of yours seriously needs an attitude adjustment. It's possible he was jealous because she spent time talking to you and not to him.

I haven't been outed yet. My kin have no idea that I'm not straight. They're highly religious and INCREDIBLY homophobic. My grandfather is in his mid-seventies and concerns have been expressed about his health. May sound awful, but I'm not going to come out until he passes. The conflict my coming out will cause is something I don't want him to deal with. My brother and father are causing enough grief for him right now.

As for my heart family, which are my best friends and chosen sisters, they know and approve. They knew I was a lesbian before I did and are completely supportive. lol..my 'little brother' who is the same age as my real brother has been attempting to find "Ms. Right" for me.

As for the small town and religious thing, I can relate. The home town I grew up in is under 2000 people. A dog can't sneeze without it being all over the place. Best thing to do is just hold your head up high and don't let the whispers and bigotry get you down. And you will run into that, unfortunately. The one gentleman who came out in my old town wound up leaving.

Either way..GOOD LUCK!!!!
 
I think you handled it well, i also like the "yah, so what" response. I might be tempted to ask if they were jealous, but that could be all it takes for some folks to get violent I suppose.

I live in a rural area, and a couple of my best friends know and are supportive, the rest, well, we will see what happens as things progressive. I have a homophobic friend and if she is seriously upset I will just ask her to "hate the sin and love the sinner"

My girlfriend and I are pretty much out in the city (she lives in Calgary). so at least some of the time I can relax. Well, mostly, it turns out that I outed us last night talking after a concert, I knew the one lady knew and thought she would have told her best friend, turns out not-but-she didn't say anything except to widen her eyes a little.
I am sure she was grilling the best friend as soon as they got in their car though!

Anyways congrats for staying strong.
 
A few years ago when things were getting ugly with my ex-wife over the custody of my small son, she outed me as a bi sub cross-dresser to my former in-laws. My former father-in-law confronted me at a public place in a very low, sinister way and threatened me physcially, called me "Sissy" and "faggot" and then shoved me. Of couse, he was 72 years old at the time (more than twice my age then) and I was in MUCH better shape, physically, so I stood my ground and calmly threatened to call the police if he touched me again. Then he started threatening to "ruin" me and my life, et cetera, all in that same low, menacing voice. Within a week I had gotten a restraining order against him and he was required to attend anger management classes.

Shortly after that, my ex- tried to change custody arrangements with my son, presuming (I guess) that I would be too fearful to fight it. Wrong. Part of the change-of-custody process involved going to a family counselor or therapist to try to mediate the dispute. I was very open and up-front with the counselor about everything, who dismissed my sexuality and kinks as entirely irrelevent to the best interests of my son and how he was raised. So five minutes into the process, the wind was out of my ex-'s sails and the emptiness of her position was pretty clear. Things dragged on for a few months longer but basically, once I made it clear I wasn't going to be blackmailed, she gave up. The ex father-in-law still won't talk to me or even make eye contact at events involving my son (who's 10-1/2 now) but that's okay. As they say, living well is the best revenge. ;)

Being "outed" only matters if you let it. I think as I've gotten older, that's finally started to sink in. People who truly love you won't care and those who don't, don't matter in the long run.
 
Just wanted to throw out my two cents. I also feel that you handled it very well for having it thrust upon you so clumsily.

My now standard response tends to be, "Thanks for noticing."
 
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First, want to second what everyone here has said about your friend's insensitvity. I love Annie's response - "Thanks for noticing." Completely non-apologetic, non-defensive, and at the same time lets the other person know that their comment was inappropriate.

Second want to congratulate you on your courage. I live in SF now but was born and raised in Tx and want to acknowledge that it can be much harder being outed in a small town. On the other hand, if you continue to carry yourself with calm and grace, you might actually find it easier since small town folks who know and love you will, I am sure, want to protect you...

Good luck!
Neon
 
You handled it as best you could. Hats off to you. I live in Northern CA where very few people seem to care either way, and thank God for that. In a small town elsewhere I probably would have just played it off like my friend was joking, flipped my wrist at him and said "Oh Thtop it!" in a lisp like what he said was meant as a joke.

Out here in SF, Sonoma County or Davis I just would have laughed.
 
oh that sucks! Whether you're gay or not is nobody's business unless you want to tell them yourself. I mean during a conversation...do we all go through our diaper years to the present talking about EVERYTHING? doubt it. :rolleyes:

Anywho. I would have smiled and asked him if he liked the girl I was talking to. :D
 
When I was outed as a crossdresser, it was I accept, a total accident, in fact it was my wife who outed me and who felt guilty for doing it, although my only reaction was one of amusement.

It happened in front of about 120 members of my extended family at my cousins wedding reception.
Towards the end of the meal, J asked me to request another bottle of wine from the waitress, which I did, I then turned to her and joked "dont worry wont tell anyone you are an alcoholic" as our table had got through rather a lot of wine, to whcih she giggled " and said " dont worry I wont tell everybody You are a crossdresser sitting here in underwear that matches mine" just as the band stopped playing for the speeches to start. Everybody heard what she had said, before I even had the chance to respond, my cousin who was the bride, stood up and said "damn I wish I had known, I needed another bridesmaid."

All I could think of saying was " well I am available for shopping trips at very reasonable rates"

My family were really good, I got loadsa hugs, and comments on the lines of, " we really arent surprised, and we really dont care"

The evening finished with me dancing with the bride while wearing each others shoes.
 
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