What to do, what to do ...

[daddysgirl83]

Okay, i have a couple of questions that i'm hoping will get a nice feedback! They may not necessarily be BDSM related, but since that is the relationship i am in i figured that is where i would post my questions

question #1 - i believe i have asked something like this once already, but don't think i got too much of a response on it. my partner and i want to have anal. i'm a little, okay a lot, worried about it though! i've heard a lot of good things and bad things about it. i definitely want to do it with him, i trust him. i'm just a little nervous about what it will feel like and what will happen afterwards. so i guess i'll just have to be blunt about my question. what kind of lube is best to use when doing anal? i don't want to use anything sticky or messy or gross. something simple that is easy to clean off, ya know? now since i've never done this before i don't know - but it kinda seems to me that if you're sticking something up that particular hole, isn't it going to come out ummm *dirty* lol maybe it doesn't - i have no idea, that's why im asking. i think that would be rather embarassing if it did!!! lol And does being a heavier female make any difference in this department? any advice would be greatly appreciated!

question #2 - what are some opinions on this scenario - partner 1 is very sexually active, sleeps with SEVERAL women (or at least, claims to) and has numerous flings with different partners. now partner 2 has only been sexually active with one person and that person was a virgin also. now partner 2 has not been sexually active for about 4 years and has no signs or symptoms of anything being wrong with her. However, before having sexual intercourse partner 1 requires partner 2 to be tested for STDs. Now partner 1 says he gives blood on a regular basis so he knows he is clean. Is it really fair for him to require this? Shouldn't he also go in since not all STDs can be tested through blood? And is partner 1 really as sexually active as he claims? Why can partner 1 walk into a bar and take a woman home and fuck her but the girl he has known online for 8 years he requires to be tested? What about all the other women? Why aren't they being tested? Is he really sleeping with other women??? What's everyone think about this? And just to put it out there - partner 2 has checked into STD testing and her insurance won't cover it because she has no medical reasoning for having it done. Therefore, she would have to pay it all on her own - which is VERY expensive! Any advice or opinions on this matter would be appreciated as well

Thanks to all who take the time to read and respond back. Oh, and please don't send any comments like *dump the loser* ... i hate hearing those. i'm just looking for some serious adult feedback, nothing childish or cruel please

 

[Kierae]

Regarding STD testing and the expense: you can hit any county health department or Planned Parenthood Clinic and get STD testing without having a damn reason for it. They work on sliding scale basis. Just do it. And just because someone "gives" blood (they don't assess for all stds) all the time doesn't mean he is safe if he isn't practicing safe sex with all of the other random partners. Herpes can lie dormant, chlamydia may not show any symptoms in a male but will in a female, and HIV can show up several months later (which is why one single negative test doesn't mean squat).

I wouldn't fluid bond with anybody until I knew that everyone was on the same page about safe sex practices when fucking others, etc.

 

[Tuomas]

"Fair"?

Anyway, just because he says he's giving blood, it doesn't mean that he is. The issue could be that he is having random protected sex with others, but intends on having unprotected sex with partner 2. Lots of people labor under the misapprehension that a condom will protect you from all STD.

*shrugs*
STD tests are scary; maybe he's afraid of the results.

 

[Homburg]

question #1 - i guess i'll just have to be blunt about my question. what kind of lube is best to use when doing anal?

Check the thread appropriately titled "lube" for some good advice.

now since i've never done this before i don't know - but it kinda seems to me that if you're sticking something up that particular hole, isn't it going to come out ummm *dirty* lol

Yes, it will will be dirty. The amount varies based on a number of factors. Some people use an enema a short time prior to cut down on that. Either way, I like to keep a travel pack of generic baby wipes handy when possible. You can find them for less than a dollar in the checkouts of your local Walmart (if you're in the US)

And does being a heavier female make any difference in this department? any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Not in my experience vis a vis being with women of different body types. There are all sorts of issues that can affect it, but pure weight is not likely to all that much of an issue unless you are really, really large. Assuming that you aren't large enough to cause issues with plain old vaginal sex, you are unlikely to have issues with anal.

question #2 - what are some opinions on this scenario - partner 1 is very sexually active, sleeps with SEVERAL women (or at least, claims to) and has numerous flings with different partners. now partner 2 has only been sexually active with one person and that person was a virgin also. now partner 2 has not been sexually active for about 4 years and has no signs or symptoms of anything being wrong with her. However, before having sexual intercourse partner 1 requires partner 2 to be tested for STDs. Now partner 1 says he gives blood on a regular basis so he knows he is clean. Is it really fair for him to require this? Shouldn't he also go in since not all STDs can be tested through blood? And is partner 1 really as sexually active as he claims? Why can partner 1 walk into a bar and take a woman home and fuck her but the girl he has known online for 8 years he requires to be tested? What about all the other women? Why aren't they being tested? Is he really sleeping with other women??? What's everyone think about this? And just to put it out there - partner 2 has checked into STD testing and her insurance won't cover it because she has no medical reasoning for having it done. Therefore, she would have to pay it all on her own - which is VERY expensive! Any advice or opinions on this matter would be appreciated as well

As someone said earlier, your local health clinic should do it inexpensively. My local does it free, or close, depending on which one you go to. Check into yours, you'll be surprised.

As to partner 1, he needs to man up. If he expect you to do so, he should too. That said, one of the usual tests involves a q-tip swab of the urethra. He may just be afraid of it.

 

[Zoots_owner]

I wouldn't fluid bond with anybody until I knew that everyone was on the same page about safe sex practices when fucking others, etc.

Totally. Especially when you're talking about anal, which is the highest risk activity when it comes to HIV, and high risk for hepatitis as well.

Barriers are your friend.

 

[Hisscarlett]

In response to question one, I had the same concerns about "leftovers". I still do, and if I am given warning in advance that Master plans to use me in that way I have a (dark coloured) damp cloth close by. The suggestion given about baby wipes is great, but remember they are white and anything will show up. If I have no cloth to hand Master is good in allowing me to run to fetch one as soon as he is finished.

As to lube, I can't answer that as Master does not like to use it so I have no suggestions bar that you read the thread on lube in the forum.

Question two is a hot topic. I feel that if you are about to start a sexual relationship with anyone where you plan not to use condoms that you both undergo tests for STI's. Many of them have no outward symptoms and can lie dormant. Therefore if you are about to become intimate with him then you should both have the tests.

As to whether it is fair that he says you must have a test while he doesn't need one, I suggest that you point out that in the interests of all involved it would be a good idea that you both have the tests. Then there is no doubt.

I was in a similar situation to you, previously having had no sexual partners whilst Master had many. We did not have tests, but it was discussed at great length and was a mutual decision.

I suggest that you both have the tests.

Whatever you decide I wish you both well on your journey together.

 

[Kajira Callista]

That said, one of the usual tests involves a q-tip swab of the urethra. He may just be afraid of it.

Afraid of what? Pftttt If a Dom told me he was afraid of someone to poke his pee-pee i would laugh in his face and walk.
To the OP: This guy sounds like a foolish immature person. Take your steps carefully.

 

[Homburg]

Afraid of what? Pftttt If a Dom told me he was afraid of someone to poke his pee-pee i would laugh in his face and walk.
To the OP: This guy sounds like a foolish immature person. Take your steps carefully.

Well, I'd initially typed "chickenshit" instead of "afraid", but I figured I'd be nice.

 

[daddysgirl83]

thanks for the great feedback so far - hope to get some more responses yet!!

 

[Puman]

Personally, I would INSIST that he had his tests done too... especially if he's planning on having unprotected sex with you and even more so if he's planning anal.

For you own peace of mind, your local clinic should offer tests freely or at a very minimised rate...

If I were you, I would not forget to fasten the condom before sex with this guy... just sayin'

 

[Homburg]

*waves at Puman*

 

[Puman]

*waves back*

 

[SweetErika]

question #1 - i believe i have asked something like this once already, but don't think i got too much of a response on it. my partner and i want to have anal. i'm a little, okay a lot, worried about it though! i've heard a lot of good things and bad things about it. i definitely want to do it with him, i trust him. i'm just a little nervous about what it will feel like and what will happen afterwards. so i guess i'll just have to be blunt about my question. what kind of lube is best to use when doing anal? i don't want to use anything sticky or messy or gross. something simple that is easy to clean off, ya know? now since i've never done this before i don't know - but it kinda seems to me that if you're sticking something up that particular hole, isn't it going to come out ummm *dirty* lol maybe it doesn't - i have no idea, that's why im asking. i think that would be rather embarassing if it did!!! lol

We like silicone lube because it's condom-friendly, super slick and a little goes a long way.

If you're unsure on lubes, you may want to get some pillow/sample-size packs of various recommended lubes (silicone, effective water-based, like ID Glide or Wet, etc.) and give different lubes a try.

I'd also suggest checking out this current thread in How To, as it addresses many of your concerns and contains other resources, like a link to The Blank Manual sticky.

However, before having sexual intercourse partner 1 requires partner 2 to be tested for STDs. Now partner 1 says he gives blood on a regular basis so he knows he is clean. Is it really fair for him to require this?

Sure. It's perfectly fair for him to ask you to be tested and use barrier methods to protect both of you.

Shouldn't he also go in since not all STDs can be tested through blood?

I think so, yes. If you think so, you should insist on him getting comprehensive testing (although, IIRC, men aren't tested for HPV) AND use barriers for intercourse and oral sex unless/until you want to become fluid bonded with him and are fully prepared to assume the risk of getting everything he might have (any STIs that weren't tested for, just didn't show up, or he acquired since he was tested).

This is your health and life you're talking about. If he doesn't take those seriously enough to get tested and use protection at your request, he's probably not worth being sexual with. That doesn't mean you should dump him because he objected once, but since it sounds like you're uncomfortable with him not being untested, it does mean you should probably communicate about this further and hold of on being sexual until you're fully comfortable.

And is partner 1 really as sexually active as he claims? Why can partner 1 walk into a bar and take a woman home and fuck her but the girl he has known online for 8 years he requires to be tested?

I have no clue. Have you asked him?

I'd consider doubting his word a big red flag. For me, something like that is an indication that someone hasn't earned my trust and/or there are other things that are bothering me, perhaps on a subconscious level. That's me, but it might be something you want to take a hard look at before going further, and certainly before you're intimate with this person.

What about all the other women? Why aren't they being tested?

Again, I don't know. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. The numbers say too few people are tested and practice safer sex, much less on a regular basis.

I think this is also something you should ask him. If he doesn't require them to be tested, you might ask why. Some people have screwy beliefs, like 'it's really difficult/impossible to get STIs from casual encounters,' 'people who look/smell healthy probably are,' 'condoms provide complete protection,' etc. Perhaps he's one of them, or maybe he just figures since he uses condoms with the other women, there's no need for them to be tested, but you do need testing because he plans to fluid bond with you. That would be incorrect, but lots of people believe things that are incorrect.

And just to put it out there - partner 2 has checked into STD testing and her insurance won't cover it because she has no medical reasoning for having it done. Therefore, she would have to pay it all on her own - which is VERY expensive! Any advice or opinions on this matter would be appreciated as well

As others have suggested, check into free/low-cost testing at clinics first. If that doesn't work for some reason, you could see if your insurance deems having unprotected sex with someone who could have STDs a good enough reason to pay for testing.

Also, have you asked him if he wants to continue having sex with other people after you two have sex? If so, you'll likely want to work out a schedule of regular testing and use barriers until you're completely committed to each other. Even that's no guarantee since plenty of people cheat, but you might not want to risk your health before you know whether this relationship is likely to last long-term.

Personally, I'd want both of us to be tested for everything at regular intervals AND insist on safer sex practices until I was very sure the relationship would last and I trusted my partner completely. In time, I'd probably take some calculated risks like not using protection for oral sex, but given a partner who claims to have a long sexual history and is hesitant to be tested, I'd start out with as much protection as possible and only remove it at a rate I was completely comfortable with.

Best of luck in getting it worked out and staying safe!

 

[SweetDomme_29]

If done right anal sex can be very pleasurable for both partners. However, it is the type of activity that requires a great deal of preparation. Your concerns are valid since if not done properly anal sex can be very painful, messy and plain embarassing.

The initial stages of anal sex tend to be painfull for the bottom. In order to make the experience more enjoyable for you I recommend you use an anal desensitizer such as Anal-Eze along with an anal lube such as Astroglide Anal Shooters.
Also, diarretic drugs and enemas help keep the messiness and stomach cramping to a minimum. Keeping a pack of baby wipes nearby is also a good idea for it will come in handy after the encounter.

Do not worry about your weight If your weight does not prevent you from having vaginal sex it will not prevent you from having anal sex. However, since you are on the heavier side I recommend you use the "doggy style" position, as opposed to a standing position, as this position will make it easier for you to balance your weight.

Just relax This is the most useful tip anyone about to practice anal sex for the first time can receive.

As far as STDs are concerned both partners should be tested. There are many places that offer free or relatively free STD screening. Planned Parenthood is one of the best. Also, most healthplans allow gynocologists to do an annual Chlymydia screening so look into that.

It is not fair to require only one of the partners to be tested. Also, you do know that you are under no obligation to report the results of those tests to him? In fact, his asking you of those results is a gross violation of your privacy rights.

USE A CONDOM!!!!!!! And if you're still not comfortable than use TWO CONDOMS and so forth. You get my point??????

I hope this is helpful

Enjoy!

 

[keagan043]

I want to answer Question 2 ...

I give blood on a very regular basis (every 2 to 3 months) and this is what is tested (coming directly off my paperwork from Carter Blood Care)

Blood type
Red blood cell antibodies
HIV
HTLV, a leukemia virus
Hepatitis B
Hepatitis C
Syphilis
Cholesterol
Sickle Cell

Nowhere on there does it state that they tested for Herpes, Genital Warts, Chlamydia, HPV, Gonorrhea, etc. ... I think you get the picture. So yes, you are correct in that he should also get tested.

Just because you are the submissive, does not mean that you do not have any rights. Don't ask, DEMAND that he be tested also. If he refuses, then that should tell you something, big red flag something. It isn't a bad idea for either of you to be tested, but don't let him feed you a line of bullshit.

Also, I noticed that you stated you've known him online for 8 years ... is this an online relationship?