What the fuck was I saying?

[TheEarl]

Currently rewriting one of my old stories and have discovered that I hate writing lesbian love scenes in the 3rd person. The story was originally 1st person and I'm moving it into third person and I keep getting caught up in all the 'she's that are around.

Dawn lay down and watched as Willow removed her skirt and panties before straddling her and grinding her hips into the younger girl, rubbing her shaven pussy against her while her hands caressed her belly again.

First of all, is this slightly cheesy? Be honest.

Secondly, is it obvious what the hell's going on here? I think it is, but then again I wrote it, so I could do with some objective help.

Thanks

The Earl

 

[Quasimodem]

Currently rewriting one of my old stories and have discovered that I hate writing lesbian love scenes in the 3rd person. The story was originally 1st person and I'm moving it into third person and I keep getting caught up in all the 'she's that are around.

Dawn lay down and watched as Willow removed her skirt and panties before straddling her and grinding her hips into the younger girl, rubbing her shaven pussy against her while her hands caressed her belly again.

First of all, is this slightly cheesy? Be honest.

Secondly, is it obvious what the hell's going on here? I think it is, but then again I wrote it, so I could do with some objective help.

Thanks

The Earl

Not so much cheesy as confusing. You say you are moving from 1st person to 3rd person POV. Must you also move it into the past tense? If it were happening in the present tense, it might flow smoother.

Also, I would try to keep the sentence length short. I am assuming that this is an action scene. Action usually works better in short, sentences.

I took the liberty of recasting the fragment. Since I do not know how it fits into your story, this may not work, but at least, it demonstrates what I mean.

Dawn sprawled back, watching as Willow removed her skirt and panties. Willow straddled the younger girl. Her hips ground, rubbing her shaven pussy against Dawn. Again, Willow's hands caressed Dawn's belly.

I replaced 'lay down' with 'sprawled back' simply because I have a personal fetish against using 'lay' as a verb, unless absolutely forced.

 

[poohlive]

Dawn sprawled back, watching as Willow removed her skirt and panties.

How could Willow remove Dawn's skirt and panties if she sprawled back? (I know, I'm being difficult for a reason)

Willow straddled the younger girl. Her hips ground, rubbing her shaven pussy against Dawn.

Ground? I never seen that particular form of the word, is it correct? To grind? Ground? That doesn't provoke erotic images in me. (just my opiniont though)

I don't want to try to prove you wrong, or that I'm somehow better than you Quasi. I think it was a decent rewrite, better explained the situation.

I think, Earl, you might want to lengthen the entire thing. You have got about a paragraph worth of detail in two sentences, compound sentences at that. Is this a hot scene, a fast scene?
When Willow's taking off her clothing, can she do it a certain way, even if it's just to remove the clothing, she could peel them off her already hot and sweaty skin, be flirtacious, do a little strip tease for the sprawled back Dawn, or rip them off and toss them across the room.
You were the one saying it's all about description. Well, lol, prove it. Describe the situation.
Play with it. If it doesn't make sense to you (the writer) think of how much sense it'll make to your audience. We are in the field of playing with words, and this is a wonderful piece to work on.

 

[Quasimodem]

"Dawn sprawled back, watching as Willow removed her skirt and panties."

How could Willow remove Dawn's skirt and panties if she sprawled back? ...

Poohive,

"Dawn sprawled back, watching as Willow removed her [Willow's, not the sprawling Dawn's] skirt and panties."

To me, this seemed obvious as described. But, obviously, I was wrong! If you go back to TheEarl's version, this was made quite clear. Perhaps, this would be clearer in context, or perhaps some more clarity about which "her" is being discussed will be required in the first sentence.

"Dawn sprawled back, watching as Willow slipped from her skirt and panties."

Of course, TheEarl's idea may have had action, better described as 'ripped' or 'struggled' in mind. It all hinges upon the situation and personalities that The Earl is describing.

 

[wildsweetone]

if you want some more help, here's my thoughts... i'm not sure they're any better, perhaps just a different way of saying the same thing. note the word count difference: 36=Earl, 63=wso



***
The Earl:
Dawn lay down and watched as Willow removed her skirt and panties before straddling her and grinding her hips into the younger girl, rubbing her shaven pussy against her while her hands caressed her belly again.

***
wildsweetone:
Willow removed her skirt and panties as Dawn lay watching her. The clothes landed in a pile at her feet. Stepping over them, Willow walked to the bed, straddled her, then ground her hips into the younger girl all in one fluid movement. Dawn gasped as Willow's shaven pussy rubbed against her own, and her hands caressed the firm muscles of her belly.

 

[TheEarl]

Thank you one and all. For those of you who are still confused, the action is:

Dawn lies down
Willow removes her skirt and panties.
Willow straddles Dawn
Willow grinds hips into Dawn
Willow rubs shaven pussy against Dawn while rubbing Dawn's stomach.

With your permission, I think I'll use WSO's version, as it's a lot more fluid.

The Earl

 

[wildsweetone]

feel free dear, glad to help.

only thing i'm still thinking about is the third 'her' in the last sentence... either that sentence needs rewriting or the third 'her' needs to be 'Dawn's body.'

'Dawn gasped as Willow's shaven pussy rubbed against her own, and her hands caressed the firm muscles of her belly (of Dawn's belly).'

no it needs to be split into two separate sentences.

Dawn gasped as Willow's shaven pussy rubbed against her own. Willow's hands gently caressed the firm muscles of her lover's belly.

darn

Dawn gasped as their shaven pussy's rubbed together Willow's hands gently caressed the firm muscles of her belly.

not right

Rubbing her shaven pussy against her, Willow's hands caressed Dawn's belly.

okay put it together again:

***
wildsweetone:
Willow removed her skirt and panties as Dawn lay watching her. The clothes landed in a pile at her feet. Stepping over them, Willow walked to the bed, straddled her, then ground her hips into the younger girl all in one fluid movement. Rubbing her shaven pussy against her, Willow's hands caressed Dawn's belly.

marginally better i think.

 

[SlickTony]

One of the greatest troubles with writing same-sex love scenes in the 3rd person is it's hard to keep up with your antecedents.

I really must not post in a hurry; the likelihood of committing some kind of howler is too great.

 

[NoJo]

Dawn lies down
Willow removes her skirt and panties.
Willow straddles Dawn
Willow grinds hips into Dawn
Willow rubs shaven pussy against Dawn while rubbing Dawn's stomach.


The Earl

Earl, that's poetry. Also reminds me of old text-only adventure games on my Sinclair Spectrum. Beautiful.

 

[TheEarl]

Earl, that's poetry. Also reminds me of old text-only adventure games on my Sinclair Spectrum. Beautiful.

Might try writing a literotica text adventure. Anyone interested in testing it?

The Earl

 

[dr_mabeuse]

She vs She

You write what you want, but it seems to me the main problem is how to avoid repetitive use of the girls' names and the pronouns "she" & "her" & figuring out which she is which.
It might pay if you describe the girls somewhat before this scene. If one of them is, say, a redhead or a blonde, you can refer to them by the hair color, which gives you a way of avoiding the pronouns.

Also, you might try "biasing" the scene more towards one character's pont of view. Not so far as to go into first person, but take one side and tell the story from her POV. That helps to separate the doer from the doee.

Other than that you're just going to have to craft your sentences carefully to avoid all that pronoun confusion. I wouldn't be that shy about repeating their names when necessary to clarify the action.

---dr.M.

 

[Couture]

I did a chapter about a lesbian threesome once. I thought my head was going to explode.

 

[TheEarl]

I've used "the redhead," "the younger girl" and "her captive" (handcuffs scene) to avoid repeating the names too often. Thanks for the help.

Dr M, the story is biased towards Dawn's POV (as she was the first person of the original), but it doesn't help much. Thanks for the suggestion though.

The Earl