What should I do?

[The_Bear_Man]

I am new to literotica and have to say that I was quite pleased with my first story. However it clearly didn't do the job as the voting score after 20 or so votes is under 3. I am still convinced that the grammar and fluency of the writing was ok and so, as a complete newbie, wondered what I had done wrong. Was it lacking in eroticism, or too violent or just rubbish! I would dearly love to know because whilst I like to write what I want I also want to write to please. Any comments/opinions much appreciated.

Story at: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=297160

 

[DragosLove]

I like your writing style, You opening is attention catching, though the paragraph structure could use some work. Don't break into new paragraphs so often, it distracts the reader from what your trying to convey. I won't comment on the actual content as the non-consent category is not my thing. I encourage you to keep on writing, I'll keep track of your work.

 

[mjl2010]

Yeah when you write about rape you're going to get a lot of trolls. I'd wait for the next vote sweep to see what happens with your score.

I found it hard to keep reading. Your continuous use of repetition made it difficult not to skip ahead. Sure I can see it from the first person present tense point of view I guess. It's all whats going on in her head.

Well. Keep writing. Not my favorite category an all but the story idea was good. So keep writing. Oh yeah, I did vote.

MJL

 

[suckandfuck]

The style you used in this story is not really one I've seen before. In any other context I might find it difficult but in this context I thought it was an excellent choice, as it added a sort of stream of consciousness feel to the story and thus made it quite realistic. The repetitiveness, though effective and a technique I rather liked, may have been just a tad overdone, and does urge you to skip a little as another member suggested.
It's very raw, and I think in this case that was the best thing for it to be. Good job.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think you story is good - tense, harrowing and a fine analysis of a female cop's fear and frustration. But... (you knew that was coming)...

Firstly, the breaks into second person POV did not help the tension and sense of being inside the woman's consciousness. It is usually a mistake to change voice within a story. Also, second person is an oral POV that rarely works in stories. It is for dialogue, songs, even poems.

No, although I thought your writing very good, I don't think this is an erotic story. The rape fantasy that most men, and quite a lot of women, seem to have is exactly that - a fantasy. Your piece brings us face to face with the harsh reality of the brutish violence that rape really is; inadequate men subjugating frightened women. Nothing very sexy in that - for either party.

You may have got the poor reaction because of this. Readers of this category appear to want a combination of male dominance that leads to the woman enjoying and welcoming the sex. As I said, rape fantasy.

Not being rude, this might have been better received in non-erotic.

In summary, I really enjoyed your writing and look forward to reading more. Someone said, and I agree, that the repetition and twisting of phrases is a tad overdone at times. Give your happy side a day out and write a stream of consciousness story about erotic emotions. They'll be beating a path to your door to 'highfive' you.

The ending, while a classic short story twist in the tail, came across as 'deus ex machina'. Her gun had disappeared so how had she found another gun. Small point though.

 

[The_Bear_Man]

Thanks all

Thanks for the encouraging and critically constructive posts. I feel a lot better, and enthused, about continuing my writing now. Just a small point for 'Elfin' and that is to say that the gun shot at the end of the story was supposed to be from Sarah's colleagues and so it was never intended that she would have simply obtained a gun from 'somewhere'. Anyway thanks again hope to speak again soon .....................

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yeah, elfin pretty much hit it right on.

The thing about non-consent is... everyone who reads there is a hate monger. The one story I did in that cat got me over 100 hate emails and a death threat

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks for the encouraging and critically constructive posts. I feel a lot better, and enthused, about continuing my writing now. Just a small point for 'Elfin' and that is to say that the gun shot at the end of the story was supposed to be from Sarah's colleagues and so it was never intended that she would have simply obtained a gun from 'somewhere'. Anyway thanks again hope to speak again soon .....................

I'm not the brightest lightbulb, but I read it as Sarah shooting. Sorry, just got into the twosome too much.