What kind of power balance do you have in your relationship?

[VelvetDarkness]

Double post.

Damn, double post. Sorry.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Just interested in how people's personal dynamics work.

 

[SubKekiLee]

What kind of power balance do you have in your relationship?

I have rules I must follow and I am not allowed to cum without his permission but he likes me to be strong for myself... and stand on my own two feet and for what I belive in... It works for me...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hmm, none of the options fit us as though I am not micromanaged, I do not have autonomy... basically he expects me to take care of most things, look after myself and him, but all within his expectations and rules whether I like it or not. LOL, in this house slave does not mean pampered pet....I have a bad backache, migraine or injury such as when I broke my tailbone (drove him for 18 hours that day and all those following for months), chances are he will ignore it and expect me to continue as if nothing is wrong....he has similar and it is expected I will do all in my power to take care of it including massage, applying my magical Aussie natural therapies, and giving plenty of sympathy and extra treats, and possibly covering some of the things he normally does on top of my own. Micromanaging would mean too much interference with his time and energy for it to prevail here.

Catalina

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hmm, none of the options fit us as though I am not micromanaged, I do not have autonomy... basically he expects me to take care of most things, look after myself and him, but all within his expectations and rules whether I like it or not. LOL, in this house slave does not mean pampered pet....I have a bad backache, migraine or injury such as when I broke my tailbone (drove him for 18 hours that day and all those following for months), chances are he will ignore it and expect me to continue as if nothing is wrong....he has similar and it is expected I will do all in my power to take care of it including massage, applying my magical Aussie natural therapies, and giving plenty of sympathy and extra treats, and possibly covering some of the things he normally does on top of my own. Micromanaging would mean too much interference with his time and energy for it to prevail here.

Catalina

Yeah, I kind of meant that in the second option. That's pretty much how Master and I operate. I consider that if I am making decisions (like shopping, meals etc) I have a degree of autonomy that he doesn't trouble himself with. He still has total control whenever he exercises it. I knew my options would turn out to be badly phrased and I even managed to write PYLs out of the discussion by giving options solely from a pyl perspective. Hopefully people will overlook my failings and join the debate regardless.

 

[missy_me]

I chose the second option, as it was the closest to our balance. I'm not micromanaged, but he has a veto in everything I do. He's not interested in micromanaging, as it would be too much work for him. I can decide for myself what I wear and at what time I do my duties, such as housework. However, I know what kind of clothes he likes and I try to dress up they way I think he'd want me to. I don't respond very well to very strict micromanaging, and he has used that as a punishment for a few days once.

Micromanaging makes me feel somehow inadequate. I feel like he thinks I don't know how to manage myself and make decisions, and that he feels obliged to take control over everything. I can understand the feeling of security someone might get from being micromanaged, but for me it's just frustrating. I get the safe feeling from knowing that even though I am allowed to make certain decisions, he still has a veto - even if he doesn't use it.

When making bigger decisions he sometimes asks for my opinion, but it's hardly ever really discussed.

 

[graceanne]

I chose the second option, although sometimes we're the third option. Anything to do with the kids we discuss. And if their's a disagreement who 'wins' varies. *shrugs* Beyond that, I take care of myself. Micromanaging pisses me off, except I call it 'nitpicking' and 'nagging'.

 

[EmpressFi]

Ours is different because he doesnt live with me. Granted, we are in constant communications via IM window and telephone - except during commute time and sleep so it's nothing for me to ask his opinion or approval on things. The only time he tells me what to wear is when travelling to visit or when picking him up at the airport. If he visits me, he may dictate what I wear when we're at home (usually, it's just my collar). For me, it's big decisions - thinking, what would he want me to do or will this show my respect/love and if I still cant decide I go to him. More than anything.. he just calms me down. I have a stressful job and I turn to him for a rant outlet and then he helps me calm down. We're a partnership like that.. symbiotic.. he's not Master without me and I'm not pet with out him

I chose the third

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yeah, I kind of meant that in the second option. That's pretty much how Master and I operate. I consider that if I am making decisions (like shopping, meals etc) I have a degree of autonomy that he doesn't trouble himself with. He still has total control whenever he exercises it.

Ours is a little different in that it still is not autonomous, even in deciding meals, as he expects me to know what is OK and what is not. though he doesn't usually tell me what we will eat and when, I know what he wants and likes and expects, which means there are foods/meals I love to extreme which are never part of our life anymore as he does not share my tastes. He can bother me quite a lot with shopping...until the last 2 weeks, he would accompany me to do the shopping even though he loathes it, and would OK or rule out what went in the shopping trolley...now I am going alone, he still casually checks what is coming into the house and will say something if he doesn't approve and is not above throwing it in the bin if he feels strongly enough. Though he doesn't have to be actively exercising control 100% of the time, it is in place 100% of the time. As to the options, don't sweat it too much as it seems inevitable with most poll type questions....just another demonstration of how diverse all our lives are even though we share similarities.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

My husband and I do not have a D/s relationship. We have always made the big decisions jointly.

That's worked well for us.

During my struggles for D/s and BDSM activities, I've tried to step back. I've tried to let him be in charge. I've let him set the priorities and come up with the ideas. In part I wanted to see how much he would do on his own and how important sex is to him.

I am beginning to see how poorly our relationship, particularly sex can go when left up to him, as I have done for well over a year now.

So, even though I don't like it, I'm going to have to step up soon and turn this thing around before one or both of us feel too estranged.

I've always needed sex to feel close to my man.

The funny thing to me is that the more sex I get, the more I want.

The less sex I get the less I care until I fall into a huge dark yawning abyss.

He seems content, happy and satisfied.

Strange.

Anyway, it works out best when I take charge.

*grr*

That is true for just about every area of our life together.

*grr*

 

[Netzach]

Basically I only interfere when I feel like it, and major life issues are obviously discussed, though, not necessarily solved with compromise. Though if I think it's best they are then they are - so often they are. Obviously this covers all of the above, sorta.

 

[catalina_francisco]

My husband and I do not have a D/s relationship. We have always made the big decisions jointly.

That's worked well for us.

During my struggles for D/s and BDSM activities, I've tried to step back. I've tried to let him be in charge. I've let him set the priorities and come up with the ideas. In part I wanted to see how much he would do on his own and how important sex is to him.

I am beginning to see how poorly our relationship, particularly sex can go when left up to him, as I have done for well over a year now.

So, even though I don't like it, I'm going to have to step up soon and turn this thing around before one or both of us feel too estranged.

I've always needed sex to feel close to my man.

The funny thing to me is that the more sex I get, the more I want.

The less sex I get the less I care until I fall into a huge dark yawning abyss.

He seems content, happy and satisfied.

Strange.

Anyway, it works out best when I take charge.

*grr*

That is true for just about every area of our live together.

*grr*

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2277/1620516394_9db4080930_t.jpg I genuinely feel for you FF...this is never a nice position to find oneself in.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2233/2052066401_be7d982856_t.jpg Catalina

 

[_kiana_]

My husband and I do not have a D/s relationship. We have always made the big decisions jointly.

That's worked well for us.

.........

Anyway, it works out best when I take charge.

*grr*

That is true for just about every area of our live together.

*grr*

That's pretty close to the situation I'm in FurryFury. Sorry you have to be too *hugs*

 

[FurryFury]

That's pretty close to the situation I'm in FurryFury. Sorry you have to be too *hugs*

*HUG*

I'm sorry YOU are as well.

 

[FurryFury]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2277/1620516394_9db4080930_t.jpg I genuinely feel for you FF...this is never a nice position to find oneself in.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2233/2052066401_be7d982856_t.jpg Catalina

I just took him out for a "coffee date" and talked things over with him. It helped ease my anxiety.

The bottom line here is that some people will step up to make things go well and some people won't.

*shrug*

He's a great guy but no one is without some faults.

That's why you do best with a partner who can compliment your strengths and weaknesses.

 

[ownedsubgal]

i wasn't sure how to vote, as i am not micromanaged by our standards, but i also do not manage myself or make any wholly independent decisions. similar to Catalina's dynamic, my Master has outlined very clearly and thoroughly how i am to live...what is and isn't permitted, what's expected of me day to day, etc., and in addition he controls the scope of my world quite a bit by not permitting me to go anyplace alone, work outside the home, drive, manage money, and whatever else he feels would limit my dependence on him.

 

[northwoods_sub]

We fall somewhere between option 2 and option 3.

For the most part when it comes to the kids the decisions are in my hand however I will go to him for his permission; it is the only decisions that I feel comfortable overriding him.

Everything else I go to him and his decision stands. He doesn't micromanage me at all, I think that would require more work than he is willing to put out. I pick my own clothes and what to shop for but as for buying anything except essentials and things for the kids he has to give me permission first. This has baffled more of our vanilla friends! This past summer one of our sons left his baseball shoes at home which is an hour drive round trip from the ballpark. I knew I could find some at the sports resale shop for $10 or less, but instead of going to just buy them I went and got his permission to do so. The other baseball moms were flabbergasted that I would ask permission for something so trivial in their minds. For me it is just daily life.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I just took him out for a "coffee date" and talked things over with him. It helped ease my anxiety.

The bottom line here is that some people will step up to make things go well and some people won't.

*shrug*

He's a great guy but no one is without some faults.

That's why you do best with a partner who can compliment your strengths and weaknesses.

I'm so glad that you're working things out honey

 

[FurryFury]

I'm so glad that you're working things out honey

Thanks!



We are just doing the best that we can. Sometimes that's a great deal and some times that ain't shit but it's always the best that we can do atm.

 

[His_pita]

I answered: My PYL makes the important decisions but I manage myself.

Actually we discuss almost everything and he values my opinions and expects me to give them. I like it that he makes most of the important decisions because he is so good at it.

 

[Homburg]

I really value input from my gal. She is a different person, and an intelligent one at that, with a unique perspective. Even after 16 years together, I don't pretend to be able to wholly predict what she will think in a given situation. So, we talk. I make the final decision, and she lives with it, like it or not, but I still want her input.

The bottom line for me is that I am not perfect, period, and I firmly believe that everyone has blind spots in their psyche. Getting external input gives me better odds of not missing something someone else might consider obvious.

 

[graceanne]

K and I discuss everything, no matter who's decision we go with. Why? Cause I'm a talker. Even if we're agreeing about what to do I wanna talk about it. After ten years he's gotten very good at pretending to listen. lol Just like he pretends to care what the budget looks like. lol

 

[Bandit58]

I picked the third option. Master Gil and I are in a partnership and the important decisions are made together....these include things to do with His treatment, the car we bought and what needs doing to it, and anything that we need for the house etc.

He has enough to worry about without needing to micromanage me - I'm much like Cat in that He makes use of the things I am good at, like being His spellchecker, taking care of financial matters, being His nursing assistant.....and blowjob expert

 

[Etoile]

Long distance makes it hard to be micromanaged, so does being poly. I picked the second one. I'm sorry to see that the person who picked the first one didn't respond in a post, though.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****