What is 'Lonely'?

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I often see people posting about how lonely they are. What is 'lonely'? How do you define it?

I go for days, sometimes weeks at a time without even seeing another person, let alone talking to one face to face. But I do it by choice since people have caused me so many problems. While I have my moments wishing things might be different, I don't feel 'lonely' most of the time, just at peace. I have few of the conflicts that others openly complain about as they deal with others.

So, when people complain about being 'lonely', I wonder what they mean. Are there others in the house with them that they can't or choose not to relate to?

Are they alone for short periods while others are gone to work, school, shopping, etc. and can stand to be alone?

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I guess it bothers me in a way that some people don't seem to be able to feel comfortable by themselves, even for relatively short periods. I find it hard to understand how people can be so attached to others that they simply must be in the presence of them at all times.

 

[butters]

i'm perfectly content with my own company, though i'd love to be with H right now. i am not lonely. i know it won't be too much longer.

i think loneliness comes about when you feel isolation's forced upon you rather than an option you've chosen. and that can be in a situation where someone's physically alone or emotionally cut off from others they live with.

i work with people/customers, day in day out, and i love being able to shut myself off to regain that balance.

 

[PoppingTom]

I guess it bothers me in a way that some people don't seem to be able to feel comfortable by themselves, even for relatively short periods. I find it hard to understand how people can be so attached to others that they simply must be in the presence of them at all times.

No offense, but: loneliness applies a lot to people who are out of work.

I only feel lonely when I'm doing a great journey - alone.

 

[Penuche]

I guess it bothers me in a way that some people don't seem to be able to feel comfortable by themselves, even for relatively short periods. I find it hard to understand how people can be so attached to others that they simply must be in the presence of them at all times.

I hear you.

Much as I love my husband (and he, bless him, also needs his own space and solitude), unless I get at last an uninterrupted hour to myself, my fuse becomes scarily shorter than it is.

Put me in the same room as somebody who can't even be quiet with him/herself for a few minutes and I start climbing the walls.

 

[Aella_]

I no longer feel as lonely as I did when I was younger. I see myself as a wiser person and my priorities have changed. Things that used to matter no longer do as much, and the things that give my life meaning and make me feel at peace are much more solitary.

 

[warrior queen]

I learned from a very young age how to be happy in my solitude. From the age of 11, sailing on the family yacht across the Indian ocean (first major trip), I was expected to take one of 4 six bour watches every day. I chose midnight to 6am.
I learnt to enjoy being alone because it was the only time of the day I wasn't 'stuck' 26x8 steps away from three other people

I never get lonely.... I don't know what that is.

 

[Aella_]

What countries did you travel through, if you don't mind my asking?
Yours seemed such an exciting (or at least, unusual) childhood...

 

[warrior queen]

What countries did you travel through, if you don't mind my asking?
Yours seemed such an exciting (or at least, unusual) childhood...

I lived on board the yacht for a little over 12 years.
We sailed the world 3 times.... I have several passports full of stamps, starting with Reunion Island, and then Mauritius, South Africa, Argentina.....imagine you are going round the globe, coastal country to coastal country (far too many to list).
I did most of my education by Distance Ed, where lessons were mailed to our next stop and our work was mailed back to Australia (my brother and I). We sat exams in whatever country the Distance Ed people had reciprocity in, so I did have exposure to some formal schooling.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

30 years ago I was actively social and involved in church, clubs, family, etc. But long life convinced me too many folks are fucked up playing games that create drama rather than intimacy. Women, specifically, wanna trade up friends, lovers, husbands. Men, specifically, want co-conspirators to help them pull fast ones on the old lady or boss

I ended a long friendship with a guy I knew since early childhood. Over 50 years. His wife always thought we were queer for each other but that wasn't it at all. He's ultra liberal, I'm fascist, but we always shared the same values. But he neglected to let me know his boy is a faggot.

I got no problem with the son, he's a swell guy and never caused me any grief. But his daddy and me invented homophobia long ago, and I took a prance down memory lane when they all stopped by to visit. We were talking about all the odd balls back in Mayberry, and I brought up Pierre the queer hairdresser. me and my pal usta torment Pierre. The son didn't know that part of his daddy's life. I knew my friends mama had two kids by the police chief, and let that dog sleep. But I didn't know about sonny boy. My friend hadda cow, and I told him to go fuck himself if he expected me to comply with his concealed agenda.

People are like my old friend.

 

[Quiet_Please]

Solitude and loneliness are two different states of mind.

Solitude in a crows nest or wherever you watched the ocean from is measured in time, where as loneliness is a feeling.

Butters said it very well ... the feeling of isolation despite being close to people (he didn't use those exact words, but it's transferable).

And it's not just forced as Butters says ... for a lot of lonely people, it's the inability to overcome themselves. Fear I'd say. Anticipating rejection, believing you will fail (even if you are succeeding, knowing that that success is going to collapse once people realize the real you), having this personal understanding that you do not belong anywhere (imagined) and when you walk into a room full of people, you have this idea that everyone is looking at you and wondering what you are doing there.

Loneliness ... in my opinion, true loneliness, is the inability to connect with people and when you do, becoming self-destructive for no logical reason other than you're afraid ... afraid of what? That's the problem, you do not know what you are afraid of. You just are.

 

[Saint Peter]

Get a dog.

 

[Quiet_Please]

Get a dog.

A response like that proves that posts do not equal wisdom.

What do you do with a dog? Take up time, create a schedule to follow and most of the day, ignore.

 

[Aella_]

I lived on board the yacht for a little over 12 years.
We sailed the world 3 times.... I have several passports full of stamps, starting with Reunion Island, and then Mauritius, South Africa, Argentina.....imagine you are going round the globe, coastal country to coastal country (far too many to list).
I did most of my education by Distance Ed, where lessons were mailed to our next stop and our work was mailed back to Australia (my brother and I). We sat exams in whatever country the Distance Ed people had reciprocity in, so I did have exposure to some formal schooling.

wow...

Although I had some sort of exposure myself while growing up, the most significant one for me was the cultural shock of immigration; when the way I used to see and approach things didn't cut it anymore in the new environment. It was v. v. difficult in the beginning, but I never regret it: in a sense, it alllowed me to detach myself from the "living through other people's eyes and being too dependent on cultural expectations".(the way I was brought up)

Your developmental years seemed much more liberating than mine/everyone else's, in a sense. Although I still wonder whether there were some shortcommings, too.

 

[PoppingTom]

Loneliness ... in my opinion, true loneliness, is the inability to connect with people and when you do, becoming self-destructive for no logical reason other than you're afraid ... afraid of what? That's the problem, you do not know what you are afraid of. You just are.

You know what you're afraid of, even if you suppress it.

If you connect with people, you give up a little bit of your life. You're self-destructive, because you have to cope with both: your doubt about you, and about the others. If you hate other people and only focus on yourself, things are easy: just despise everything. The much harder step is the other one: look for the good things in people, question things that hinder you to connect to these people, even if that means to question all your life was about till now. But still watch out, not everybody is the good one you presume to be.

Now, imagine, you find out, everything that was you is wrong. Even if you suppress it: it turns into some kind of self-hate. Or kind of insecurity. It's like flying a plane if you never learned it. Off course, you crash.

And, off course, you're afraid of it. That's what the fuck makes you human.

 

[Quiet_Please]

12 years on a yacht ... very bohemian .... something out of the Jazz age ... in my own head.

 

[Quiet_Please]

You know what you're afraid of, even if you suppress it.

If you connect with people, you give up a little bit of your life. You're self-destructive, because you have to cope with both: your doubt about you, and about the others. If you hate other people and only focus on yourself, things are easy: just despise everything. The much harder step is the other one: look for the good things in people, question things that hinder you to connect to these people, even if that means to question all your life was about till now. But still watch out, not everybody is the good one you presume to be.

Now, imagine, you find out, everything that was you is wrong. Even if you suppress it: it turns into some kind of self-hate. Or kind of insecurity. It's like flying a plane if you never learned it. Off course, you crash.

And, off course, you're afraid of it. That's what the fuck makes you human.

That's loneliness Tom ... knowing, but unable to overcome.

Every one is human ... humanity is full of love and hate ... loneliness is not knowing where you fit in.

 

[Saint Peter]

so .... full ... of . wisdom...

 

[Aella_]

so .... full ... of . wisdom...

Which one? There are several of us sharing our wisdom in this thread.

 

[Quiet_Please]

so .... full ... of . wisdom...

Personal understanding ... wisdom is learned from observation and experience .... 'get a dog' is neither observation or experience ....

it's something heard and passed down as a remedy for what most people know nothing about.

 

[Quiet_Please]

Which one? There are several of us sharing our wisdom in this thread.

Talking about you.

 

[PoppingTom]

That's loneliness Tom ... knowing, but unable to overcome.

Fuck, no!

You looked at the wrong places. As we say here in Germany: from the money you haven't, you bought thinks you don't like, to impress people you can't stand. It's easy to overcome. Just fuck it.

What do YOU want, except being with people? For anything you're interested in, there are people sharing it. For any point of view you got, there are people sharing it . For any behavior that makes you feel home, there are people who feel like that, too. You just have to find them. And you shall never give up searching them.

The rest is self-awareness. Crash, and laugh about it.

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

What do YOU want,

Tranquility.

The only way I've ever come even close is when there are no people around.

 

[Quiet_Please]

Fuck, no!

You looked at the wrong places. As we say here in Germany: from the money you haven't, you bought thinks you don't like, to impress people you can't stand. It's easy to overcome. Just fuck it.

What do YOU want, except being with people? For anything you're interested in, there are people sharing it. For any point of view you got, there are people sharing it . For any behavior that makes you feel home, there are people who feel like that, too. You just have to find them. And you shall never give up searching them.

The rest is self-awareness.

The loneliness is not being able to grasp it ... you're not listening, you're arguing; you are stating a resolution to a problem you do not have .... loneliness can be overcome, but for the deep feeling, it's the isolation they feel in accepting world they cannot see themselves being a part of.

 

[Aella_]

Or through books. Have that connection through resonating with the stuff that they wrote.