What is a womans opinion

[midnightfalcon]

I posted a story a number of months ago titled The Masseuse. I have received only two comments on it and both were from males. Since I wrote it from a womans prospective I would appreciate a womans evaluation and suggestions on other stories I might be inclined to write. Can you help? Email me at my address and please offer suggestions, and honest evaluations of the story. Hope to hear your input........... midnightfalcon

 

[Selena_Kitt]

I posted a story a number of months ago titled The Masseuse. I have received only two comments on it and both were from males. Since I wrote it from a womans prospective I would appreciate a womans evaluation and suggestions on other stories I might be inclined to write. Can you help? Email me at my address and please offer suggestions, and honest evaluations of the story. Hope to hear your input........... midnightfalcon

Honestly... it reads like a man writing from a woman's POV... also, you've got some issues with tense change, you have people speaking but you don't use quotes (gets confusing) and the long, drawn out cummmmmmmmmmmmmmming stuff... ugh... maybe personal preference, but that kind of thing should be used VERY sparingly. And the paragraphs were way too long... esp to read on Lit... definitely should break those up...

that's my girlie 2 cents...

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

In addition to Selena's remarks you have a few capitalization errors. But, I think, the biggest thing I noticed is that you are much too discriptive. You are "Telling the Story" not "Showing the Story". You should set your dialogue off in separate paragraphs like:

"No, I can't," she said.

"Yes. I want you," he insisted.

(Don't look for those in any of your stories. I just made that up.) The way you've buried the dialogue in your paragraphs they seem to be almost lost. Let your dialogue stand out. When the reader is skimming that's one thing they look for.

Let your characters tell the story something like:

"I'm all soaked from the rain," Peggy said shivering with embarrasment as she tried to pull the wet blouse away from her heaving breasts."

Written that way the line does a lot to discribe Peggy's condition to the reader, hold his interest and give some insight into Peggy's character.

The story theme and content was good. But you need to work on your form. The way I think of it is, "What would the reader think?"

Good luck. You'll do well.

JJ