What info do you require for a first meeting?

[bullaford]

SkylineBlue started a thread on the topic of safecalls and I got to thinking ... what information is or should be required from the Dom/sub you are meeting?

I have heard that a Dom should provide basically a mini resume, with their name, address, phone numbers, referrences, etc. I have two thoughts on that ....

1) Should the Dom require the same of the sub he/she is meeting?

2) Am I the only one who thinks that is a bit excessive?


I believe a first meeting should be in a public place for coffee, lunch or something similar. Wouldn't a picture, name and phone number be sufficient? I would also want the same from a sub I was meeting with. I'm not talking of safecalls, which I totally agree with, but what information do you require or do you feel safe giving to a total stranger?

 

[graceanne]

Ok, on the offhand chance I was meeting someone I'd insist on someplace REALLY public. I'd take my own car, and I wouldn't drive. I'd make sure I have a cell phone on me.

I'd ask for, well I like what skyline? suggested. A picture, a name, and a phone number. I probably wouldnt' arrange a safe call, since I wouldn't go home with a guy I've just met. To tell the truth for a first 'date' I'd prefer a group date or something like that. I bring a friend and he brings a friend.

 

[catalina_francisco]

We use a public place as in a coffee shop, bar, restaurant where we can talk without too much difficulty but all are still in a safe environment where anything unusual will usually be noticed by others. We ask for and give a photo so we all recognise each other, as well as provide and get a phone number. When I was single I would also check the phone number beforehand and without warning to make sure it was the number of the person I was talking with online, but if it is a mobile number, it can be of little value anyway. I also used to have a name, often an address, sometimes more. I am wary on the address idea as well as real names (and providing you believe they are real) as it can backfire on you if you are dealing with someone who is not all they appear to be, and that can be on either the Dom/me or sub side of things. Nothing worse than finding the person you meet is not as you thought and then realising they have enough info on you to make life unpleasant in a variety of ways. I think the best way to go for either side is a very public place, a safe way of getting there and even more so leaving without being followed, leave some way of tracing where you have gone and who you were meeting, and when, even if you don't follow the safecall idea. Leaving a photo of who you are meeting is good as long as the photo happens to be the person you were meeting and not something from the internet. Mobiles that take video/pics can be a good option for providing an on the spot pic of who you have nmet with to your safecall person though.

Safecalls are great as long as you have someone you can share with enough to use for that reason....often people do not feel comfortable revealing to people they know they are meeting someone from the internet, and often get a lecture for their folly if they do(even if a vanilla type situation and unrelated to D/s), and in many cases the person they do tell as a last resort does not act in a way which would ensure their safety or be of help if anything went wrong simply because they do not take it seriously and feel they have a right to judge another as stupid for taking the risks and thus basically let this cloud their vision and take the attitude they deserve whatever they get (though usually not seriously expecting anything bad to happen). Also sometimes as I have had happen to me when acting as a safecall, the other person does not take it seriously enough to respond when you call to check on them, and they let the phone ring so as to not interrupt the Dom/me they are talking with in a coffee shop.....not a good way to act when you ask someone to be your safecall.

Not wanting to scare or appear risk taking, but when you get down to it, with today's technology and tricks available to anyone with basic knowledge and a devious mind, the safest way of dealing with these meetings is to meet publicly (and be responsible and vigilant about your food/drink incase of additives being slipped in when you aren't looking). Short of informing someone where you will be, leaving some way for that information being available if you disappear (and with as much background as would be necessary to provide a picture of what had happened before), and using your head and intuition seems to be the best option. A passport or driver's licence is easy to fake over the net (eg. fake name, fake picture all able to be inserted/changed through computer programmes), as can a personal website be used to provide a veil of credibility that may be nothing more than a cover and lure. Even what I had as in I could contact his work through internet and phone, if I had wanted to verify his identity, as with most other options, are open to manipulation. Even though I had seen him online, it really doesn't prove anything other than his gender etc......seeing a person online on wewbcam does not mean they will do you no harm, or that they own the name etc., they may provide you with. Lucky I trusted him and he also had to send documentation which was legally witnessed, and money, for me to arrange our marriage before his arrival.

Bottom line though is there are people out there who will use this lifestyle to find victims, and some who will openly provide their own pictures, name, etc., which are real and them, and still commit the most deadly crimes with no regard to being caught...and by the time you find out you have become the target of one of these sociopaths, it may be too late to worry about a safecall helping save you if you leave yourself open to the slightest risk.

Catalina

 

[Prof Bill]

First Meeting Requirements

I can only say I've gone both ways on this--from requiring (or providing) great detail and a public meeting place with safe calls arranged for every half hour to saying let's meet at this restaurant next to this motel. I've probably done a lot of stuff in between, as well.

Finally, when I'm no longer out looking and/or meeting (although my sub sometimes meets other women who might want to play some way with us), I've come to the conclusion that the best place to meet a new person is at a munch. I know that presumes the existence of a munch both of you can get to, but it's still the best I can come up with.

Actually, of course, any gathering of people who understand what you're doing and who will look out for you will suffice. And anyone who will not meet you at a munch should probably be avoided, anyway.

Short story: I was going to Michigan for a first time face-to-face visit with a submissive woman who had been a big part of an online dungeon. I was going to be staying at her house. Before I left, I was telling a friend who was just getting into the scene that I had insisted she have safe calls lined up. He asked me who my safe calls would be made to.

As Catalina (I think) said, it goes both ways. I could have been an axe murderer but so could have been the lady.

Prof Bill

 

[Joe Schmoe]

One place I suggest, if it is available, is to attend a munch together, preferably where one of the two attends. This allows the meeting of colleagues so questions can be asked and answered. The perfect scenario would be two separate meetings like this. Each time going to the other's munch so each can go through the Q&A with people that should know them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Not sure I could go for the munch idea, though I have never been to one myself. Have no problem with going in general, but for me on a first meeting I prefer to speak one on one with the person without the interruption of others wanting to say hello or join the conversation, and worse still, put in their 2 cents worth which may or may not have anything to do with what would be of importance for me to know and guage. It also can be intimidating for people who are not that comfortable with groups of people, preferring more one on one, a group to which I confess to belonging....I can survive ina group and usually manage to do it convincingly so no-one realises I am not that comfortable, but that takes a lot of concentration and distracts me from just about everything else so meeting in that environment would mean I really would not come away with an accurate impression of the person in question. I also am one who looks at who that person is, not who others say they are, or who they become around their friends or strangers....just the raw them without additives or props.

I would think it could also work out to be trying if you found almost immediately you did not like the person and did not want to spend time with them (this can happen when people are far from what they have represented), but then because you are at a munch (theirs, even worse), you feel obligated to stay for a decent amount of time. Could work out OK, but also I have heard many say they didn't like anyone at munches they attended so then you would be with a heap of people (not just one) you didn't really feel like being with. Could also lead to feeling pressured or unsafe if the people there felt the one you were meeting was wonderful and you should accept them as such.

Catalina

 

[Master Sensei]

I am willing to provide almost anything a girl requires. I have no secrets. I would even let her talk to some of my ex's beforehand if she wanted.

I don't require much to meet. I have been a martial artist and instructor for a long time so I don't worry too much about my personal safety.

However, if play is to be involved I require proof of HIV testing and to see a girl's ID if she's under 25 or so. I don't take chances.

 

[LAdymorrgian]

Personally, and this is for me only not saying others should do this, I like to talk online for a bit and then I progress to the phone, exchangeing numbers and calling the other at least once. I like to spend alot of time on the phone with the person first and not just talking about "THAT" but getting to now the real person. Exchange of pics is just plain expected because hey visuals are nice while on the phone. And the when we mutually both feel ready to meet, I would make shure to call a very close friend of mine who is uberlly protective and tell her I will call on the half hour. and Of coure provide info on where I am at, name and ect ifo I have on the other person and since I amthe kind of girl who never leave the safty of her bedroom with out a knife or three on her,often more I would have many sharp pointy objects on my person just incase the person was just flat out bad. Now I have never done this, on my way to, but as of yet no.

 

[brioche]

i too am on my way to this (at least last time i checked), and i'll decide closer to the time, but since i will be away from home, it will be extensive.
And by away from home, i mean in a different country.

 

[Netzach]

Public meetings, safecalls usually for that meeting.

I don't get into anyone's car until I know them quite well, not even for a brief while. That's my golden rule. There's only so much most people, even maniacs, are willing to do in a coffee shop.

 

[His_pita]

I will be meeting my Sir for the first time and we will be going away together for a week. He will pick me up and meet my siblings. He has already told me that I am to check his license, get the address of where we are going and have a safe call arranged with a secret word he doesn't know so I can let my family know that I am fine. I will have my own cell phone too. I do trust him because he has been very open with me from day one and has never given me one reason to not trust who he says he is. I so respect that he was the one to tell me to take the extra precautions. He wants to gain my trust for real.

 

[Miss Diva]

Usually I like to chat a couple of times and then meet for coffee in a very
public place (if they want to contiue chatting forever I know they have
something to hide). My feelings are let's meet to see if there is chemistry. I drive, he drives and we go our own separate ways. At a minimum I need to see a picture first and we meet at a place far from my house, usually in his neighbourhood. I also get a first name along with a cell number. I once met someone whose picture I had not seen and there was no attraction. Usually no safe calls.

If I were meeting someone I met in another city then I would want them to
join me in my city (I guess the illusion of more control). I would need a
photocopy of passport and license and a photocopy of a bill that has his
home address. I would also want his cell number. I would also arrange for
safe calls at pre-determined times. Call me paranoid but hey. I would
probably talk to Catalina about this first

Now graceanne before the mother in you freaks out. I have gone directly to
the guy's house (i did this twice) and both times (without my knowledge)
they were guys I had gone to school with. How freaky is that?

 

[Private_Label]

One place I suggest, if it is available, is to attend a munch together, preferably where one of the two attends. This allows the meeting of colleagues so questions can be asked and answered. The perfect scenario would be two separate meetings like this. Each time going to the other's munch so each can go through the Q&A with people that should know them.

I agree with this. The added benefit would be that there are also others around who can keep the small talk going so there aren't those awkward silences that sometimes happen on *blind* dates...

Those who have shown an interest in my on line who live in my area, I always suggest that as a first meet place. If they can't be that public, then they are probably not the right person for me.

 

[oddity83]

Talk to them over the phone a few times before you meet. Meet some place public. Pics would be nice, but I'd settle for knowing what they look like and what they will wear(not everybody has a digital camera) safety net/line with a friend. Just my thoughts.

 

[timberwolf05]

bullaford
==============
i'm thinking a lot of folks MAY say it depends on whom is involved.

me? all "I" EVER wanted is name city address phone

the rest is optional.......to ME.

wolf

 

[Evil_Geoff]

1) Should the Dom require the same of the sub he/she is meeting?

Absolutely. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

2) Am I the only one who thinks that is a bit excessive?

Certainly not. Then again, there are those who feel that providing _any_ information is "excessive" and exposes them to being "outted".

.... what information do you require or do you feel safe giving to a total stranger?

I'm out, so depending on circumstances, I'll be quite happy to divulge name, phone number, driver's license, home address, etc. But again, it depends on the circumstances. If we're meeting at a munch they'll get my name and cel number and description but that's about it. If were meeting one-on-one I figure they should get a bit more.

 

[Loose_by_name]

Spontaneity or stupidity

The first Dom I met was 12 years ago . I was 30. We had answered each others personals advertisement in a BDSM magazine. After two very local phone calls, I had his address and mobile (cell) number and we planned an overnight play session. My very FIRST D/s session. I didnt know about safe calls etc however I did ring my best friend first and gave him the address of where I would be and the Dom's mobile (cell) - without going into any real details of what I'd be doing. He knew me well enough that my curiosity was always leading me astray.

The session was great - I'll submit the story I wrote about it, one day.
I rang my best friend when I got home that morning
& spent most of the day standing in front of the bathroom mirror admiring my bruised arse.

Dont you think we can over think some situations
and possibly talk ourselves out of the potential of a life time,
or am I just a risk junkie?

Im a sub, it's a given that Im a risk junkie LOL

Anyway, that's just me.

Lucy

 

[brioche]

The first Dom I met was 12 years ago . I was 30. We had answered each others personals advertisement in a BDSM magazine. After two very local phone calls, I had his address and mobile (cell) number and we planned an overnight play session. My very FIRST D/s session. I didnt know about safe calls etc however I did ring my best friend first and gave him the address of where I would be and the Dom's mobile (cell) - without going into any real details of what I'd be doing. He knew me well enough that my curiosity was always leading me astray.

The session was great - I'll submit the story I wrote about it, one day.
I rang my best friend when I got home that morning
& spent most of the day standing in front of the bathroom mirror admiring my bruised arse.

Dont you think we can over think some situations
and possibly talk ourselves out of the potential of a life time,
or am I just a risk junkie?

Im a sub, it's a given that Im a risk junkie LOL

Anyway, that's just me.

Lucy

Things are a lot different now than they were 12 years ago.

i think the level of security needed depends on how far the distance between the people is and how long the relationship has gone on. Also, i think Lit could act as a sort of safety net - if both parties are known fairly well on lit, that could affect things.

It all has to do with the level YOU are comfortable with, and how much trust has been built.