What hurts worse, or is it all the same?

[A Desert Rose]

Is the end of a D/s relationship more intense than a traditional (vanilla) relationship? What are the dynamics that come into play with either or both? Is there any difference? Is the intensity determined by who leaves first or does that make no difference?

I have opinions but I will with hold them right now, infavor of what others have to say.

I have been discussing this with friends for the last several days and they have given me various opinions and great input. What do you think?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Definately feel the end of a D/s is the worst pain possible, at least for me, as it infiltrates every corner of my soul.

Catalina

 

[Desdemona]

The loss of my first D/s relationship (which only lasted a few months) was much worse than the loss of my vanilla marriage of many years. I think it may be because we open up so completely and let our partner see into the dark corners of our souls. When I trust enough to do that, a deep bond is forged. The loss of that bond is painful beyond description.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Definately feel the end of a D/s is the worst pain possible, at least for me, as it infiltrates every corner of my soul.

Catalina

But why Catalina, does it hurt worse for you? What about a D/s relationship "infiltrates every corner of your soul" as opposed to a traditional one?

If I am being too personal, just say so. I'm just trying to find answers for my own predicament.

 

[ethereal~minx]

Is the end of a D/s relationship more intense than a traditional (vanilla) relationship? What are the dynamics that come into play with either or both? Is there any difference? Is the intensity determined by who leaves first or does that make no difference?

I have opinions but I will with hold them right now, infavor of what others have to say.

I have been discussing this with friends for the last several days and they have given me various opinions and great input. What do you think?

I think it would depend on the health of the relationship. I would like to think D/s relationships are more 'healthy' but that's just my idealistic romantic side getting the better of me.

In one brief o/l relationship that was D/s and one r/t brief relationship that had D/s nature~~ both endings were more intense than any in my entire life.. I attribute that though to my own willingness to be more open and vulnerable and honest (strengths I've gained through D/s) & free to feel the joys that such a connection brings ...but with that comes the same depth of sorrow when it goes the other way

shoot, I think D/s is flippin nature! people just need to wake up
but I going off on a tangent here.... ((((((help))))))

ok, these are just my opinions. : )

 

[SexyChele]

Hey ADR!!

I have to agree somewhat with ethereal minx. The health of the relationship plays a major role, as does the overall involvement of the relationship. Also, who ends it and why and if that ending was expected or unexpected.

I don't believe kinksters (and y'all know I use that term affectionately, right? ) or 'nilla folks feel any more deeply than the other. If the breakup of a relationship one had thought was solid and long lasting suddenly comes to an end, it hurts. And it can hurt bad.

I know that I've heard folks in the lifestyle state that when their 'nilla relationships ended, it wasn't nearly as painful as when a D/s relationship ended. I sometimes wonder if that might be because they knew there was some element missing and emotionally/psychologically they were already exiting from the 'nilla relationship. It is not uncommon for one or both parties in a divorce to walk away with relative little pain. Especially if that party had already vacated the relationship emotionally.

Does it take tremendous trust to be in a D/s relationship? Yes, it does. More so than in a 'nilla relationship? I would debate that. It really depends on how much each person has invested in the relationship. I think if one were to put two women (and, no, I'm saying men don't feel pain, it's just I understand a woman's point of view better) next to each other who had just suffered breakups of relationships they were deeply committed to and had much invested in, I think you would find their pain similar. I also would guess they would each think their particular pain worse than the other. Us peoples are funny that way.

I think, regardless of the nature of the relationship, all breakups are painful if one is still emotionally invested in that relationship.

 

[ownedsubgal]

this union with my Master is the only D/s relationship i have ever been in (and hopefully, if there's any mercy in the stars whatsoever, my last relationship period)....but i can say with my whole heart that the end of this relationship would be leaps and bounds more devastating and earth shatteringly painful than the end of ANY vanilla relationship. why? because i am a natural to the core submissive....as Catalina said...it infiltrates every part of my being...i am not a submissive simply in the bedroom, or when with a particular kind of person with a particular kind of personality...i'm a submissive always, in all facets of my life. it's just my nature. so, that being said, i could only find true happiness, and of course love, with a man who is naturally Dominant. i have never been in love with a vanilla man and never could be in love with a vanilla man. it would be like falling in love with someone of my same sex...just completely, wildly against my nature and everything i am. so, while i have been in vanilla relationships before, and they weren't pleasant to end, i never felt heart wrenching pain...i was never crushed, i never felt lost in the world after the person was out of my life. if i were to lose my Master...if we were to end...i truly would fail to see any purpose for the continuation of life on my part. i know i could never feel that way in any vanilla union.

 

[catalina_francisco]

But why Catalina, does it hurt worse for you? What about a D/s relationship "infiltrates every corner of your soul" as opposed to a traditional one?

If I am being too personal, just say so. I'm just trying to find answers for my own predicament.

No, you are not being too personal...that is difficult with me as I am so open and at ease discussing emotions and life. OK, I will try and differentiate it as it is for me, if my relationship were to end.

Firstly, though I have had deep vanilla relationships, in the end there was always a level of something missing, and a part of me I had to hold back, keep to myself. With our relationship that is not the case. I have found all the parts I need to feel I have a place in this world. Every minute of every day, and even when sleeping, he is in my mind. I wake with his name on my lips, he is the first man I have been involved with that has been a vivid part of my dreams when I sleep.

IMHO it is in the dynamics of D/s relationships whereby trust is the integral factor that centers your world. Both parties have to establish a deep trust to make it work, far deeper than a vanilla relationship....after all in most D/s relationships, ours anyway, the submissive is literally placing her life in the hands of her Dominant, trusting him to honour that trust with caring for her well being at all times. If the trust falters, it is so much harder to get it back than with vanilla, and as we all know, vanilla trust is an issue for a huge percentage of the population. Not only is it hard to get back with that person, but also any subsequent partners if it can't be worked out. The loss of the trust also cuts to the core of all you worked so hard to find, establish, and maintain.

It is also true D/s partners usually share much deeper aspects of themselves, thus when it ends you not only suffer the normal loss, but the loss of sharing that part of yourself you always feared would not be accepted or understood by anyone. You do not have that other person who knows you inside out, shares your thoughts and fears, guides and nurtures you when you need it.....you are more alone than you have ever been in your life and it can be scary......sort of like falling overboard on a dark, stormy night without lifejacket or raft, there is no way to see where you need to go to find safety and comfort again.

Add to this the emotional commitment which is usually deep due to the experiences and thoughts you have both shared. The loss can be devestating. When you have had any type upset or trauma, your partner has been the one you shared with, turned to, the one who brought you through it safely.....but now you are going through the most devestating circumstance, you can no longer seek their comfort as they are the reason you are so traumatised. It would be a nightmare I imagine to feel so totally abandoned, especially as being a submissive you are not really in the position to do the vanilla type acts of reconcilliation. Even if you did take the chance they would be welcomed, the questions and fear would already be well established so undermine your effectiveness.

Then come the issues of submissiveness, and I imagine being female, no matter how strong we are, as a submissive I believe somewhere in our psyche we would be looking for the reason we failed, whether we actually failed or not, it is a natural perception at such a time. That failure, or perception as such would weigh heavier than just the failed vanilla relationship because as it stands you have the vanilla aspects as well as the D/s to deal with, the D/s failure usually undermining confidence and trust in oneself more so than the vanilla as it is who you are and the world you need to survive. Feeling you had failed at that would leave you feeling you had failed the Dominant as well, so feeling inadequate in the submissive role. Though it may not be your fault at all, in the immediate sorrow, I would attribute the blame to myself and find self forgiveness difficult.

Not sure I have been able to articulate it well, but are some of my thoughts at a weird hour of the morning when I should be sleeping. Hope you are beginning to feel better and are pampering yourself to the fullest. Take care.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

My God, what great responses from you all.

This is such a subjective topic... all depending on our own differing life experiences and our seperate expectations. There is no wrong or right to this.

I'm tired and will be back to this topic tomorrow when I can be more coherent. But I do want to thank all of you for your input to this point.

 

[Pure]

My two cents.

I think the distress of DS breakup would be more, yes, as Catalina says.

BUT, you are asking people who have highly invested themselves in the DS thing and believe it's working and fits.

SO it's a bit like asking, which was more upsetting, your first breakup, or your later breakup with the person you fell in love with and married.

If you found someone whose story was "I once thought I was a 'sub', but in fact I wasn't; and the DS relationship I was in, proved to be shallow, compared to what I have now in a brother sister incest scene." Then you would hear that the DS breakup was(would be) be less hurful, than the breakup on the present one.

Just my idiosyncratic 'take' on things.

J.

 

[MissTaken]

Yes, Pure,

I hadn't posted as I couldnt' say that I had ever been in love in a vanilla relationshp and as such couldn't offer an opinion.

The hurt that goes with being in love, versus the hurt that goes with thinking you are in love or love unrealized is far more intense no matter the flavor of the relaitonship, IMHO.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I must say that the answer is subjective..to where you are at the moment in life and what holds you spell bound.
No right or wrong way to feel about which type of break up would be more painful and that answer would change as life experiences change for many.
I do believe that in most instances there FEELS like more to lose in a BDSM relationship gone sour because O/one conciously invests so much more open honesty (hopefully!) and less of the general vanilla head games.
Generally the one breaking off a vanilla relationship spends more time extricating themselves, setting up the head games, guilt and thoughts of revenge or flight.
Often the BDSM relationship ends as quick as a paper cut. There is little time to prepare even though somewhere in the back of the mind there was a distinct feeling that something was not quite right.
Many times in vanilla relationships the break up happens with retrials to make things right..often in a BDSM break up it is just OVER..no turning back when the good byes have been said. So it is more brutal in that sense if the O/one breaking it off was hoping that the veiled *break up* was in reality a hopeful cry for change.
Pure also makes a valid point...W/we will see the answers through the eyes of D/s and the replies will be colored by that fact.
Very good discussion little one

 

[MissTaken]

This thread has me thinking more and more.

So here I am to barrage everyone with more of my words.

First, my thinking is that there is no way to equate the intensity of pain in lost relationships vis a vis flavor. Would that be akin to saying it hurts more to lose a grandmother than an aunt? Loss is loss and depending on where we are at in our heads and hearts, it may feel different, but still leaves us with a void in any event.

I do believe that the person ending the relationship is less likely to grieve the relationship once it is over. They have already done that and have prepared themselves for grief, while the unknowing partner finds shock, surprise and is several steps behind, as it were, in coping with the grief.

I am thinking of you, ADR and sending hugs your way.

 

[ethereal~minx]

I have come back down to Earth~~ relationships, whether they're 'formal' D/s or not can have difficult endings...
I do feeel though~and maybe it's just me~ that since I've been involved in this dominance/submission space.... having this mindset I guess, the d/s relationship ending is more intense.

I do believe, with the finest Dom/mes~ it would be quick, cut & dry, pretty much understood how & where the relationship went wrong~~~ maybe I'm wrong

but nobody's perfect....

in my recent experience, this dominant person ending our relationship~~ not quick, not explained, the unspoken/unresolved issues that can plague any relationship ~in a d/s relationship when this happens, it is devastating.
there was trust in this person~this relationship... the trust that this person is acting for the both of us, this trust is soooo deep and for me at least, it was difficult to separate his personal agenda from my view of him acting on OUR behalf

there are times when I still feel like it is a lesson~ I know he cares and ...but I have to pull my self out of the vacuum & see the lesson is mine to teach myself

I guess this is where the devastation for me is~ and I don't think it would be the same in a vanilla~ but only because there is not recognition of this type of power exchange

I did the same thing in my marriage~~~ gave him all my power innately, somuch so that I didn't realize & then fought ~~ there was a pretty constant power struggle but the ending wasn't near as difficult as this.... I left though~~ I think that also has something to do with it

 

[A Desert Rose]

Let me say to all of you that I am pretty speechless.

Everyone has said things that touch nerves for me and make me nod ... "Yes, that is how I feel" or "My God, that makes such sense." There have been a few days for me when I felt like Catalina stated... lost overboard. But thankfully those days have been few and I know, they will become fewer and farther apart as time goes on.

You have no idea - all of you - how much your comments have helped me sort through my own feelings. I have read and reread this thread several times and you all have been so very thoughtful in your responses.

I can't thank all of you enough for your input.



Edited to add this: I hope that if there is anyone else going through something similar to me, they take the time to read this thread. There is so much thought and feeling in every post here and so much to think in your words. You have all imparted a great deal of wisdom.

 

[Little Girl]

Is the end of a D/s relationship more intense than a traditional (vanilla) relationship? What are the dynamics that come into play with either or both? Is there any difference? Is the intensity determined by who leaves first or does that make no difference?

I have opinions but I will with hold them right now, infavor of what others have to say.

I have been discussing this with friends for the last several days and they have given me various opinions and great input. What do you think?

Desert Rose;

I went through this and I felt like ending the D/s relationship was harder and more painful because I felt I had opened up so much more to him then I ever had in a vanilla relationship, I think with the D/s aspect you have to allow your partner so much farther inside of you and there has to be so much more trust and when it ends the hurt is so much deeper because the feelings were so much deeper.

Just my humble opinion.....

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I dunno...I hae been hurt in a serious nilla relationship, and I can't imagine being hurt worse. When you open up 100%, the pain is always huge...but it isn't the end of the world.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have done a lot of soul searching since this thread began and I have reread it numerous times, each time taking something new from a different post. Again, thank you for your thoughtful and thought provoking posts and for the pm's I received, too.

Without giving out a lot of useless information, (because my personal life is really rather dull) He was my first real Dom and it lasted more than one year and less than 4. I think that does have something to do with the impact this has had on me. I know other Doms who are/were my friends but no one like Him. I think too, that the fact that He and I were not the only ones in the relationship made a difference for me and how I have reacted. I have never surrendered to anyone like I did to Him and it's been a wild ride from the beginning to the end.

On a fun note:

I went out and shot craps last night with my daughter. I have never done that before and it was fun. We also played a bit of black jack. And yes, we lost money. However, anyone who goes into a casino and is not prepared to lose money is a fool.

 

[Bandit58]

I dunno...I hae been hurt in a serious nilla relationship, and I can't imagine being hurt worse. When you open up 100%, the pain is always huge...but it isn't the end of the world.

Even though it feels like it at the time......

I gave my heart to someone, but he ended it a few months ago though we still talk occasionally......the hurt I felt was overwhelming. I thought I'd never get over it, and I still get pangs when I hear certain songs or remember things we did together. But if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be where I am today, so I'm forever grateful I had that time with him

 

[fallon2]

The end

The end of any relationship is going to be somewhat painful to someone. The intensity of emotion and feeling when one leaves a relationship is always felt strongly by one person.
There is sometimes the feeling "if I had only worked harder in a relationship by trying to please my partner more . . ." but in reality one person always feels that it is time for the relationship to be over. Thus the other wonders what happened and why.
It is like the death of a lover . . . why him/her? Why did God have to take this one and not someone else?
In the end,of any relationship, someone is hurt.

 

[ghosst_K&H]

For me it was the D/s relationship that never had a chance to start.

My nilla marriage was over, we both knew it, and as painful as it was, we both knew it was time to seek happiness elsewhere.

I finally took the steps needed to find a Domme, and everything seemed to be going well with "Carol" in New Mexico, we experimented with o/l domination, and I had very high hopes of moving into the r/l realm... alas things didn't work out for a few reasons, mainly she wasn't a Domme, and there was no spark between us.

I thought I finally found someone who accepted me for who I am, and was willing to live a lifestyle of D/s. It turns out after much monitary and emotional cost, that she just wanted to be friends, and roomates, and really didn't want to be a Domme.

Needless to say I was crushed, and it took a long time to overcome the pain I experienced.

 

[A Desert Rose]

For me it was the D/s relationship that never had a chance to start.

My nilla marriage was over, we both knew it, and as painful as it was, we both knew it was time to seek happiness elsewhere.

I finally took the steps needed to find a Domme, and everything seemed to be going well with "Carol" in New Mexico, we experimented with o/l domination, and I had very high hopes of moving into the r/l realm... alas things didn't work out for a few reasons, mainly she wasn't a Domme, and there was no spark between us.

I thought I finally found someone who accepted me for who I am, and was willing to live a lifestyle of D/s. It turns out after much monitary and emotional cost, that she just wanted to be friends, and roomates, and really didn't want to be a Domme.

Needless to say I was crushed, and it took a long time to overcome the pain I experienced.

We have had threads on this before and touched on this topic in others... one big cause of the pain you have experienced, I think, is due to unfullfilled expectations, which I think is part of the reason for my heartache.

I hope you're now on a different road, one that brings you more happiness and satisfaction.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Even though it feels like it at the time......
....But if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be where I am today, so I'm forever grateful I had that time with him

I think I too, will be at this place... eventually. ;-)

 

[SweetDommes]

I can't speak for Holly, but for me, my nilla relationship was the hardest - it was my frist relationship, and it wasn't totally nilla anyway, but mostly ... It was a lot more serious than the 2 or 3 D/s relationships that have ended, and much more long term. My ex and I had been together for over 6 months, we were engaged, and suddenly, he seemed to lose interest ... what hurts most is that I know he still loves me and he tried repeatedly to get me back - I just knew that he would do the same to me if I did take him back. The short-term D/s relationships that I've been in (with Holly) were a month or so at most, no real committment (mostly due to a lack of maturity on the part of the boys), and although I can honestly say that I loved one of them, it still hurt less than losing my nilla boyfriend.