What have you learned?

[SeaCat]

Okay so I stole this idea from another board.

What have you learned this week?

I have learned that anticipation sucks. (I'm waiting to see what happens in work after my outburst.)

I have finally learned that Beer gives me the shits, but Tequila doesn't.

I have learned that riding my bike into a cold wind will chill my nether regions like you wouldn't believe. (Shrinkage is uncomfortable.)

I have learned that my wife of many years is truly sexy, even if she doesn't believe she is.

I have learned that I truly enjoy riding.

I have learned that belching inside a full face helmet with the visor closed after eating hot peppers is dangerous to ones health.

I have learned that my cats will give me loving when I most need it.

I have learned that getting hit by rain at 50 MPH hurts.

I have learned that I truly hate being cold.

I have learned that I still love SPAM when it is cooked right.

What have you learned this week?

Cat

 

[CrazyCatGuy]

I've learned paint always dries up way before you're finished.

I've learned that I should've been working out more.

I've learned one of the cats eats sticky stuff... tape, bug traps, etc etc... :/

I've learned antihistamine helps with my bug bites.

I've learned that I love pickles!

 

[oggbashan]

I've learned some more Spanish vocabulary and started on the past tense of regular verbs.

I've learned that my wife doesn't always listen to what I say. This morning I said:

"One of our daffodils has come out."

She replied "We should be OK if we go shopping later."

When I queried her response she said "I though you'd asked whether the milk would run out."

When I repeated what I had actually said she did a coffee spew...

Og

 

[starrkers]

I learned that weeding is not good for the back.

I learned that my sons are more politically savvy than is healthy in under teens!

I learned what a good egg thief my dog is.

 

[Missdemeanour]

Ive learned that going to a pub quiz on Valentines day doesnt mean Im a loser (well I was on the winning team!! )

Ive learned that Yes I am a total Lit addict!

 

[Chantilyvamp]

I've learned that my friends are even more wonderful than I knew.

I've learned my neurologist is an idiot and the NHS is a mind field to try and manuver through.

I've learned that my husband looks absolutely yummy wrapped in black satin sheets

I've learned I am stronger than I ever thought possible and that I can do it and will do it.

I've learned my daughter is still able to pull stunts that will make me laugh my ass off for weeks.

I've learned that someone unexpected is in awe of me and how I refuse to give up on my life no matter what happens and how I handle myself. And I have never felt so complimented as to know that they have always thought that I was so brave to do what I do.

I've learned so much about my coursework and I've been bitten by the bug of learning all I can about coding even if it scares the hell out of me.

I've learned that the power plate is an awesom machine!

All in one week, god knows what I will learn next week but I can't wait.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I figured out what puppy-love is.

 

[SensualCealy]

I've learned:

From son:
No one needs 11 salad dressings in ones refridgerator.
I can not buy anymore jam until he eats all others to completion.
Teens are acustom to being cocky.
Looks darn good dressed up in almost a suit.

From daughter:
No matter what make up I have, it will become hers.
She helps hold the family together.
Will do almost anything for me, depending on what Im asking of her.
Looks absolutely gorgeous in her new dress.

From Hubby:
When he says Happy Valentines and brings me chocolates, he expects to have them for dessert!
No matter what, he will always purchase presents and cards the day off what ever occassion is being celebrated.
He loves me for me!

From myself:
I need to make a list of things to stay on track.
I need to promote my tallents a lot more.
I need to take ownership of MY life!

From Litezines:
We are family, a warped family, but all in all, family!

C

 

[carsonshepherd]

I used to think people can change if they want to, but this week I realized my mom's right - they only change if they have to.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I learned this week:

The new Outback Steakhouse up the road doesn't have enough parking.

Watching people fight (not a fist fight, just jockeying for position is all) for parking spaces when you already have one can be fun

I spend too much time goofing off at work (I knew this already, but I learn it anew every few weeks or months).

I miss playing drums more than I could have ever thought.

I need to go to my kung fu classes more often, even if I;m not feeling 100%.

My cat is insane (I knew this already as well, but I needed to reiterate).

 

[jomar]

I learned how fun it is to drive a rear wheel drive car in the snow.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I learned how fun it is to drive a rear wheel drive car in the snow.

It's a blast, isn't it? Or were you being sarcasting? Either way, I've enjoyed that since I bought mine in 2000. It's great exilerating fun

 

[impressive]

I have learned that belching inside a full face helmet with the visor closed after eating hot peppers is dangerous to ones health.

BWAHAHAHAHA!!! *cough* *choke* BWAHAHAHA!

I've learned not to read Lit posts with peanut butter in my mouth.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I've learned some very difficult things about myself, about life.

I've learned the meanings of words like 'denial', 'avoidance' 'happiness' and 'trust'.

I've learned life is only as short as you make it.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I learned that my wife of nearly 40 years can be kinkier than I thought if given the chance.

 

[LoquaciousLady]

I have learned:

never to talk to other parents in the kids' classrooms because it causes humiliation on the part of my child

children do NOT love unconditionally, their conditions are just different

proofreading and revision causes zits (especially if you lean your cheek on your hand to read)

if you put something off long enough it often becomes unnecessary to do it at all

housework is the leading cause of ugliness in America today

it takes over a hundred pages of forum threads to quote the entirety of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" line by line

"ntuple" is a word if existing in a dictionary makes something a word

the longer you've been married the less likely you will have plans for Valentine's Day

cats will sleep on laundry even if said laundry is piled in a basket that's atop another basket creating a Leaning Tower of Laundry

The Yser River is in western Belgium.

 

[rgraham666]

I've re-learned how much I enjoy writing really hot smut for a particular person.

 

[oggbashan]

I've learned that one person can make a difference to many.

One of my acquaintances runs quizzes for charities as a hobby. He is very successful at it and has helped to raise over 150,000 pounds in the last five years.

He is paid a small sum towards his expenses for each quiz he runs. He had been putting those sums away for a charity to be decided. Then one of his friends mentioned a village in Africa that is being helped by a local church. The village is very remote and relys on subsistence farming. They can't grow cash crops because the transport would cost more than any profit they might make and the soil is poor. They couldn't use tractors because the fuel, after transport, would cost more than they could afford, so they plough the fields with hand-ploughs.

He decided that improving the soil could help. He did some research with the church. The church had provided steel ploughshares and donkey harnesses. He wanted to do something different and found that there was a wildlife reserve not too far away as African distances are counted. His savings and some more money from his pay were just enough for him to send the village a Christmas present.

Last Christmas Day he was startled to receive a phone call announcing "This is the Bishop of (Name removed)." His response was that this must be a joke. He didn't know any Bishops especially Bishops for places with long African names. Eventually the Bishop persuaded him that the call was genuine. The Bishop held out the phone and the village sang a hymn of thanks. The present would make a real difference to the crops they could produce from their fields.

His present to a village? 10 tonnes of elephant dung delivered and deposited in convenient places around their fields for them to spread by hand. He had paid for the collection and transport of the dung.

Now he has been invited to the country to help the village build a school. All they want is a single room with four walls and a roof but that would be an impossible dream if the materials have to be acquired from 200 miles away. He, and his friends, have raised the money in the last few weeks and next month he is going to Africa, a continent he has never visited, to help build and open the school.

On the way to the village he has been asked to drop in for coffee with...











...the country's President.

Not bad for 10 tonnes of elephant dung.

Og

Edited. I overstated the amount. 10 tonnes, not 100 tonnes. He hopes to get more delivered for next Christmas.

 

[LoquaciousLady]

I've learned that one person can make a difference to many...Not bad for 10 tonnes of elephant dung.

Og

Wow. That's really amazing and quite inspiring. to your friend for acting on his good intentions which is the part most seem to forget about.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I just read your story to my class. They thought the elephant dung was delightfully disgusting ('cause they're 12) but over all they voted it a 10!

 

[SensualCealy]

I've learned that one person can make a difference to many.

One of my acquaintances runs quizzes for charities as a hobby. He is very successful at it and has helped to raise over 150,000 pounds in the last five years.

He is paid a small sum towards his expenses for each quiz he runs. He had been putting those sums away for a charity to be decided. Then one of his friends mentioned a village in Africa that is being helped by a local church. The village is very remote and relys on subsistence farming. They can't grow cash crops because the transport would cost more than any profit they might make and the soil is poor. They couldn't use tractors because the fuel, after transport, would cost more than they could afford, so they plough the fields with hand-ploughs.

He decided that improving the soil could help. He did some research with the church. The church had provided steel ploughshares and donkey harnesses. He wanted to do something different and found that there was a wildlife reserve not too far away as African distances are counted. His savings and some more money from his pay were just enough for him to send the village a Christmas present.

Last Christmas Day he was startled to receive a phone call announcing "This is the Bishop of (Name removed)." His response was that this must be a joke. He didn't know any Bishops especially Bishops for places with long African names. Eventually the Bishop persuaded him that the call was genuine. The Bishop held out the phone and the village sang a hymn of thanks. The present would make a real difference to the crops they could produce from their fields.

His present to a village? 10 tonnes of elephant dung delivered and deposited in convenient places around their fields for them to spread by hand. He had paid for the collection and transport of the dung.

Now he has been invited to the country to help the village build a school. All they want is a single room with four walls and a roof but that would be an impossible dream if the materials have to be acquired from 200 miles away. He, and his friends, have raised the money in the last few weeks and next month he is going to Africa, a continent he has never visited, to help build and open the school.

On the way to the village he has been asked to drop in for coffee with...











...the country's President.

Not bad for 10 tonnes of elephant dung.

Og

Edited. I overstated the amount. 10 tonnes, not 100 tonnes. He hopes to get more delivered for next Christmas.

First time I have ever teared up over elephant dung!

Question: Is there anything our group of Litezines can gather on your behalf to send along with them?

C
ps, this was brought to question because of a commercial here for women products. Female children who have hit puberity miss school because of not having sufficient supplies of sanitary products.

 

[Boota]

Statutory rape has nothing to do with sculpture.

Whether you killed the person or not, a body in your trunk is YOUR responsibility.

Kissing ass only leads to more kissing ass.

Zen is total bullshit. When you realize that fact, you have mastered Zen.

Everything causes cancer. This is still no reason for inviting doom.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, you own the motherfucker. Treat it accordingly.

About 50% of the lesbians on the Internet are men.

Most reasonable people will agree that masturbation is normal, natural, and healthy. Until you do it in front of them.

Kittens can’t take a punch.

Freud must have been an incredible pervert.

Pet stores maintain extensive records of habitual gerbil buyers.

Once you have driven a woman to suicide, bringing one to orgasm is just not that impressive.

Technically, manicurists don’t give handjobs.

Mattel Toy Co. is missing the boat. An Inflatable Fuck Barbie would be huge.

Anal sex is only disgusting when diarrhea squirts out on each downstroke.

When a girl’s father asks what you have planned for your date with his daughter, he doesn’t want the actual truth.

Always lie to the police. They get paid to figure that shit out.

Never leave a witness.

Suicide is against the law. How do they enforce this? Is it punishable by death?

Chicks that smoke do it.

People who are easily offended are the most fun to offend.

The Secret Service has no sense of humor.

Standing outside of a McDonalds Playplace is like watching a monkeyhouse. They just don’t jerk off on the glass as much.

Never fuck a pig. It will squeal on you.

Lobsters don’t really scream when you boil them, but kittens do.

All vaginas are basically the same; just some hold more ice cream than others.

Buying an extra lottery ticket is not a significant change in a career plan.

Sometimes your job sucks. Sometimes it sucks more.

You can successfully plan your day by consulting the Magic 8 Ball.

If you have sex with animals they will arrest you for animal cruelty. Strangely, in all the bestiality pictures I have ever seen they seem to be digging it.

It is considered bad form to gamble on the Special Olympics.

Women rarely use the word “pork” as a verb.

Vegetarian pizzas wouldn’t be bad if they had some meat on them.

Milk Duds in a dolphin’s blowhole will kill it, but they are easier to pet when they are floating belly up.

Nothing good ever came from the phrase “I dare you to fuck it”.

The zoo won’t let you in after announcing at the gate that you are wearing your “Wallaby Stompin’ Boots”.

All elections are only one dead hooker away from a landslide.

Adolf Hitler probably wasn’t a very happy person.

The only truly sexually deviant behavior is abstinence.

Feeding Alka-Seltzer to birds will make their guts explode.

If brought to life, Precious Moments figurines would be horribly deformed mongoloids.

Life is just barely good enough to prevent most of us from committing suicide.

If I think it’s funny it’s probably bad.

Most women secretly like pornography. Very few admit it.

Christians come in varying degrees, from the “live and let live” type to the twisted zealot with the psychotic Jesus fetish.

Strippers lose a lot of their mystique when the sun hits them.

“Them nuns was asking for it!” is not a viable legal defense.

The hunger problem in this country could be easily solved. Every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

I’m fine with animal torture as long as it makes them taste better.

People really don’t want honesty. They can’t handle it. This doesn’t stop me from telling them that they are jerk offs.

A ladle of chili in a trick-or-treaters bag will really warm them up on a cold Halloween.

My dream of a Miss Retarded America Pageant will never be realized.

It is very difficult to masturbate to the Jesus Channel while thinking pure thoughts.

Kittens: free to a good home. Wood chipper rental: $25. There is always something to do.

The clerks at Walmart look at you funny when all you buy is whipped cream, beer and a hammer.

I should only date women with severe yeast infections. That way if the date isn’t going well I can at least have a place to dip my chips.

Blind faith in anything is the truest sign of ignorance.

Nurses won’t jerk you off, even if you have full coverage.

The phrase “dick like a crowbar” will get a personal ad answered faster.

Never make Hobo Stew out of the dumpster behind an abortion clinic.

 

[rgraham666]

Zen is total bullshit. When you realize that fact, you have mastered Zen.

By George! I think he's got it.

 

[sweetness6280]

By George! I think he's got it.

That's not the quote that made me hide under the bed.

 

[jomar]

It's a blast, isn't it? Or were you being sarcasting? Either way, I've enjoyed that since I bought mine in 2000. It's great exilerating fun

Yes, it is a blast. When I first learned to drive I had a rear wheel drive. But since 1983 or 84 I've had front wheel drive cars. I tell my family each winter that front wheel drive takes all the fun out of winter driving. In late 12/07 I got a rear wheel drive car and YIPPEE!