What Does The Average Woman Look For In A Guy?

[niceguys1st]

This is a question that I've yet to find the answer to anywhere. It boggles my mind and it's the most confusing and complicated question that I've ever asked myself or others. Perhaps this is the place to find the answer.

So, just what does the average woman look for in guys regarding personality, looks, social status, etc. I've been told a number of times by a number of different women that I would make a great boyfriend for somebody. I happen to agree with them (not to sound cocky) but yet they themselves are not interested but they assure me that there's "lots of girls" who would love to be with a person like me. Where and who exactly are these women?

How important is money to the average woman? Does the guy need his own car? What kind of job is he expected to have?

 

[SweetErika]

There ARE a lot of women who want a nice guy for a friend and lover. I think they often are overshadowed by the not-so-great women though, and many our age are just starting to figure out they're tired of being treated poorly and want someone who will be good to them.

Personality is top priority. A few traits: Intelligence, confidence, humor, manners, respectful, able to have a conversation, not too aloof or clingy, thoughtful, ambitious, trustworthy, responsible, honest, openminded, willing to learn, positive, makes me feel good, etc.

Looks: I've never had a type, and am attracted to personality...the better the personality, the more attractive the person is to me. I can't recall the last time I was attracted to someone I didn't know. However, I do prefer clean-cut, and someone who puts some effort into themselves (good hygiene, dresses as best they can, etc.).

Social Status: I could care less as long as I have enough in common with them.

Money: I don't care how much someone makes as long as they work hard and are financially responsible. I don't put up with mooches or people who make a choice to not have money.

Car: It's a stupid and doesn't factor into it for me. If the person always wanted me to come pick them up and take them places, I might suggest they consider getting some form of transportation. However, if they lived in the city or something and didn't really have a need for a car, I'd be happy they didn't have one.

Job: I want the person to like their job or at least make an effort to pursue something they're passionate about if they hate it. I wouldn't want to be with someone who complained about being miserable yet refused to take steps toward happiness.

 

[human_male]

Tall, dark, handsome, athletic and "professional" seems to be pretty common judging from ads on singles sites I've seen.

 

[warrior queen]

Personality is top priority. A few traits: Intelligence, confidence, humor, manners, respectful, able to have a conversation, not too aloof or clingy, thoughtful, ambitious, trustworthy, responsible, honest, openminded, willing to learn, positive, makes me feel good, etc.

this is the bit that men don't get - they cannot equate any of this with actually getting a woman.

how do you define 'respectful' when each woman demands a different level of respect?
how can you put a definative on 'not too aloof or clingy', when each womans definition of 'clingy' is different, and likewise with 'aloof'?
'makes me feel good' is something that is learned for each relationship, so it cannot be a pre-requisite.

braod generalisations like this are what confuse men - we women need to be far more direct to the man that is interested in us.
it's not good enough to say 'you're too clingy'... you have to tell him the precise behaviour that makes him appear so. like 'i don't like it when you hover less than 3 feet away from me all evening, because it makes you seem clingy.'
that's not so hard to do.

the problem with trying to make a list of desirable traits, is that they'll only ever apply to the person making them at the time.

so to answer your question, niceguys1st - what we look for in a man is someone who is prepared to actually take the time to get to know us as an individual person, to listen to what we want from you and be prepared to meet us at least halfway, and who isn't going to stereotype us the second he meets us.
it's easy, really

 

[dcraz]

SweetErika and warrior_queen have some wonderful insight into your question. The funny thing here (ok maybe not so funny for you) is that it really is easy. In short, just act like you care. About everything. You do not have to be the HS jock, or the make model or the CEO. What you do have to be and do is someone who cares about themselves and those around them.

Appearance is the first thing. Your first impression. Act like you actually tried to get dressed this morning. Do not put on the clothes you threw on the floor and have walked on for two days. Bathe regularly, do something with that mop you call your hair. Shave or clean up your beard/goatee. Trim your nose hair, ears, eye brows as needed.

You don’t need to be rich by any means, but as has been stated above, employability is very important. Does someone want you for an employee? That is step one. Next is do you like the job you have. If so great. Points for you. If not, what are you doing about it? Be able to take care of yourself financially. And if you can’t have a damned good plan to fix it and stick to it.

Finally, how do you treat others around you. Not just a date you are trying to get in the sack. Are you generally kind, quick with a compliment and slow with a dig? Do you consider other’s feeling in addition to your own? Do you actually considering conceding something once in awhile (i.e. dinner at her favorite place, a weekend doing what she enjoys, a movie she picks out?). Your relationship with others is about a little give and take, not take everything you can get to tally up the score with your buds when you see them next.

Life is about balance. Give and take. Women want to feel like they are part of a team, a couple. Not an ornament or door mat. And don’t press either. You will come across as fake and desperate.

Finally, be sincere and honest. Respect is about considering the other person in addition and sometimes before you think of yourself. Sounds simple, but it’s surprising how few men actually try it, much less do these things. If you do, you will suddenly, subtly find yourself with the kind of attention you and companionship you crave.

Just one ignorant man's opinion. But what the hell do I know???

DC

 

[krazeekat]

Just one ignorant man's opinion. But what the hell do I know???

DC

DC...you know a hell lot!

I can't add on more to Sweet Erika's post, as always she always give one of the best insights. What I can add is personally for me I get bored by pretty faces very easily ... yes, they might capture my attention for oh about 10 seconds but if they have nothing to offer me except their pretty face, then it's goodbye.

 

[Leeleigh]

This is a question that I've yet to find the answer to anywhere. It boggles my mind and it's the most confusing and complicated question that I've ever asked myself or others. Perhaps this is the place to find the answer.

So, just what does the average woman look for in guys regarding personality, looks, social status, etc. I've been told a number of times by a number of different women that I would make a great boyfriend for somebody. I happen to agree with them (not to sound cocky) but yet they themselves are not interested but they assure me that there's "lots of girls" who would love to be with a person like me. Where and who exactly are these women?

How important is money to the average woman? Does the guy need his own car? What kind of job is he expected to have?

DC has pretty much nailed it. This is not a plug, but go read my poem Yearnings It might enlighten you.

The first thing that a woman is going to notice is your appearance. Aside from clean clothes, body and hair, look at your fingernails, are they clean? That is the first thing I look at on a man.. If they are not clean, he is not getting within touching distance of me.

The second thing is his smile.. if he does not smile much, then chances are he is not happy or is a dark and brooding person. That kind of person is not wanted in my life as they tend to focus on them only or the sadness surrounding them.

We all want a man who is capable of providing. For me, I don't care about money as I am not a material girl... as long as I have a roof over my head, a warm bed, hot water and food on the table, I am fine.

Intelligence is important.. You don't have to be a genius, but having the ability to carry on a conversation and comprehend what other people are saying is a must.

Imagination is important... with imagination a lady will never be bored with you.

Being a great lover is not important... but being able to make love is. I am not talking about getting it up and in.. I am talking about being willing to take time, enjoy, savor and please. If done right, the act of making love will last just about the entire night and will involve all of the senses.

I live in an area where a car is important.. so having one would depend on where you live. If you live in New York City where there is great public transportation and places on just about every block where you can dine or catch some other entertainment, then you wouldn't. But if you live in area where you have to drive just to get to the closest store, then you will need transportation.

Communication... the key to everything. Listen, watch and learn. Remember that it is share and be shared with. When you are a couple, you have to work things out together. Be willing to not only compromise, but to also sacrifice on issues that are important.

Remember that no man is an island. If you want a woman in your life, you must be willing to allow one to come in.

 

[SweetErika]

Very true. After a good night's sleep, let me give more specifics. And just for the record, niceguys1st, I'm happily married and not looking. However, I have been dating women and have close friendships with men, so I've been learning a lot and defined what I want recently.

this is the bit that men don't get - they cannot equate any of this with actually getting a woman.

how do you define 'respectful' when each woman demands a different level of respect? For me, respectful means treating me the way they want to be treated. Don't assume I'm just a body for your pleasure...value me as a person with a great mind and heart. Look at me and give some eye contact when I'm talking. Listen to me. Be able to work things out like an adult, instead of just walking away, hanging up the phone, or letting resentment build. Do what you say you're going to do, whether that's a phone call after a date, or work on getting a new job. If I call or email you, reply, even if it's just to say you're busy and will get back to me later. When I've done something nice or that made you feel good, let me know and thank me so I can continue doing it. Don't lie. Stop when I tell you to. Don't insult or try to hurt me purposely.
how can you put a definative on 'not too aloof or clingy', when each womans definition of 'clingy' is different, and likewise with 'aloof'?
Too aloof- Not showing emotion or interest. Rarely/never sharing how you feel or telling me what you like. Failing to call after a date or when you say you're going to. Viewing me as just one of the many women you could have. If you're not interested, TELL ME!
Too clingy- Calling me more than two times a day without a reason (like we're making plans), showing up at my door unannounced frequently, discouraging me to do what I love or need to do just because you want to spent that time with me, talking about not being able to live without me or wanting to make a big commitment after a few weeks, usually making plans without asking, expecting me to mother or take care of you a lot most of the time. Don't quit doing everything you enjoy and expect to spend that time with me.

'makes me feel good' is something that is learned for each relationship, so it cannot be a pre-requisite. For me, a lot involves specific, spontaneous, genuine compliments. Occasional (maybe once or twice a week) notes or other things that let me know you like and are thinking about me go a long way, too. The person shouldn't purposely hurt me or make me feel guilty for their own gain. Listen and try to put the feedback I give in bed into action. Don't constantly degrade yourself...I want to boost your self-esteem, not start from scratch. Acceptance of me and complete support of who I am and what I want to do (within reason) is important as well.

braod generalisations like this are what confuse men - we women need to be far more direct to the man that is interested in us.
it's not good enough to say 'you're too clingy'... you have to tell him the precise behaviour that makes him appear so. like 'i don't like it when you hover less than 3 feet away from me all evening, because it makes you seem clingy.'
that's not so hard to do.

the problem with trying to make a list of desirable traits, is that they'll only ever apply to the person making them at the time.

so to answer your question, niceguys1st - what we look for in a man is someone who is prepared to actually take the time to get to know us as an individual person, to listen to what we want from you and be prepared to meet us at least halfway, and who isn't going to stereotype us the second he meets us.
it's easy, really
You're absolutely right, and IRL, I'd assume communication and give specific feedback (e.g. telling them why/what specific behaviors I felt were too clingy or disrespectul).

 

[dcraz]

DC has pretty much nailed it. This is not a plug, but go read my poem Yearnings It might enlighten you.

DC...you know a hell lot!

You ladies are wonderful. And please keep up the good work. The world could use a little more of your spot on advice and guidance.

And if you ever need a man's persective, ignorant or not, just give me a ring.

 

[DarkMuse]

Looks: Tall (6'0 or taller). Other than that, no real requirements. Just a guy who showers daily, takes care of himself, has good dental hygiene, and looks like he TRIED to get dressed (as opposed to sloppy, wrinkly clothing).

Personality: Someone who just gets me, and we click. There's no real formula here, as everyone is different. Respectful to me, and my religious beliefs. Can handle my mood swings (manic depressive AND hormonally imbalanced...LOL...although both are being treated now). A dorky sense of humour, some intelligence, an ability to give me space when I need it, or be there when I need him.

Other: A guy who can support himself is good. I don't give a shit if he can provide for me, since I provide for myself. I just want a guy who will pay for dinner when it's his turn.

That's about it. When you meet him, you know it.

 

[bisexplicit]

For me, it is /all/ about personality. Looks are sortof a minor second detail...peoples personalities attract me way more than their physical appearance.
However, I'm not really sure that there is an "average" that women look for, per se. I mean, you can say a sense of humor, however...who doesn't have a sense of humor? Some people like dark humor, some witty, some sarcasm...
And, in the end, does it really matter listing traits as to what a woman wants? Trying to conform to some ideal isn't going to help.
Most of all, I like guys who don't try to play silly games and pretend to be someone they aren't.
So, seriously, just be yourself and have a little patience. Its all gonna work out in the end.

 

[emap]

All great advice on what women are looking for, except listening to it won't get you anywhere for very long.

All you need to do is be yourself, be comfortable with where you are, and talk to women. There is someone out there for everyone, well usually a few someone's, all a matter of finding.

Actually I'm reminded of a line from a song, 'Free your mind, and the rest will follow' rather good advice.

Just be happy with you, be happy with your job and go out. Not kidding, the love of your life could be at the bar down the street right now. Simply go out to different places, you will find either the one for you, or her friend.

 

[strokin951]

Do you remember Tootsie - the movie?

All great advice on what women are looking for, except listening to it won't get you anywhere for very long.

In a girl-talk session Jessica Lange's character tells Tootise (Dustin Hoffman) that she stas she wants an honest guy and wishes a guy would just come up to her and say, "I like you, your attractive. Let's fuck."

So, out if drag, Dustin Hoffman's characer does exactly that. Wham. Slapped across the face.

I don't believe anything women say when they're telling about their ideal man. It all changes in the blink of an eye. Given the right mixture of looks/money/pheromones and all bets are off.

 

[Leeleigh]

You ladies are wonderful. And please keep up the good work. The world could use a little more of your spot on advice and guidance.

And if you ever need a man's persective, ignorant or not, just give me a ring.

Thank you.. , and as for your offer... I will remember that sweetman.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

this is the bit that men don't get - they cannot equate any of this with actually getting a woman.

how do you define 'respectful' when each woman demands a different level of respect?
how can you put a definative on 'not too aloof or clingy', when each womans definition of 'clingy' is different, and likewise with 'aloof'?
'makes me feel good' is something that is learned for each relationship, so it cannot be a pre-requisite.

braod generalisations like this are what confuse men - we women need to be far more direct to the man that is interested in us.
it's not good enough to say 'you're too clingy'... you have to tell him the precise behaviour that makes him appear so. like 'i don't like it when you hover less than 3 feet away from me all evening, because it makes you seem clingy.'
that's not so hard to do.

the problem with trying to make a list of desirable traits, is that they'll only ever apply to the person making them at the time.

so to answer your question, niceguys1st - what we look for in a man is someone who is prepared to actually take the time to get to know us as an individual person, to listen to what we want from you and be prepared to meet us at least halfway, and who isn't going to stereotype us the second he meets us.
it's easy, really

AMEN, well said

 

[niceguys1st]

Thank you all for your advice and guidance. Another question I have is how to actually approach a girl without seeming nervous and fidgety and stammering to find the right words to say. I'm an extremely shy person but I'll open up and by myself with anybody that I'm comfortable with, getting to that phase though is difficult. Is there anything I can do make myself feel less nervous and less anxious about being judged?

 

[AppleBiter]

Okay, I'm just dropping in here, so I admit I haven't read through the whole thread. I skimmed it. But, I did read the first and last post and I have something to add here, if it's not too presumptuous.

First of all, every woman is different. We're all looking for different things in a guy. I can tell you what I, personally, find appealing and you can build on what I've said as well as what other women have said to get a general picture, but that's about the best anyone can offer. No one can give you a ballpark figure, so to speak, on what women want.

Now, I'm married. I married the man I always wanted and I believe that's because I knew what I wanted and I wasn't willing to settle for less. The qualities that I wanted in a man were (get ready, it's a long list): A good sense of humor, confident, witty, a private person but one who has good social skills, an independant thinker, expressive, artistic, respectful, someone who commands respect from others and has a strong backbone, seductive, a good listener, attentive to my needs, bold in his pursuit of me, brilliant without being arrogant, fair, strong in character and core values, tender at the right moments, fiercly responsible but never wanting to grow up at heart, open-minded, affectionate, . . . okay, I could keep going with this, but I don't want it to turn into the longest post in the world.

Regarding how to approach a girl (I know it sounds cliche and it's been said a thousand times), be yourself. I understand that you're shy. I am, too. But NOTHING and I want to state this as emphatically as I can, NOTHING is more sexy than confidence. A bold approach, without being rude, is very, very enticing. It shows that you're a take-charge kind of guy and a lot of women like that, trust me. Approach a woman with confidence and your actions are telling her that you know what you want, you pursue it, and damn the cost . . . that is hot. Oh, and a big part of confidence is eye contact. Look into her eyes like you're trying to see her soul . . . it will make an impact.

 

[niceguys1st]

Well, obviously confidence is the key. But that wasn't what I was asking. If you lack the confidence to begin with, how can you approach somebody without being nervous?

 

[warrior queen]

Well, obviously confidence is the key. But that wasn't what I was asking. If you lack the confidence to begin with, how can you approach somebody without being nervous?

you can't - and you can't pretend either.

what you can and should do however, is admit your shyness openly to the person you're approaching. believe me, we women appreciate the honesty involved in doing that, and most of us will be gentle and help you through those awkward moments.

those that don't help, aren't worth being with anyway.

 

[SweetErika]

Well, obviously confidence is the key. But that wasn't what I was asking. If you lack the confidence to begin with, how can you approach somebody without being nervous?

One way is to find something to be confident about. What's likeable about you? Why do your female friends like you? What do you like about yourself? What are you good at?

Also, think that everyone in the room/bar is feeling the same way you are. Everyone's nervous about talking to people they're attracted to and has major insecurities, even if they put on a really good front. Some of the most confident, competent people I know have HUGE hang-ups...they've just become more adept at hiding them. No one will laugh at you because they're all too concerned with people like you laughing at them!

Use eye contact, smile, shoulders back, walk confidently, have a drink in your hand or something to keep your hands occupied, and make sure you're not shuffling your feet or doing anything that indicates nervousness. Read up on body language.

Remember, you're just practicing, and there's no pressure. If you meet some new people, great, but if you don't, you have lots of opportunities in the future and friends now.

 

[Leeleigh]

Well, obviously confidence is the key. But that wasn't what I was asking. If you lack the confidence to begin with, how can you approach somebody without being nervous?

Honey, do you have someone specific in mind? Is this someone who has talked to you before, or someone that you are attracted to but never talked to?

If its someone you have chatted with before, go over and ask how she is and start a casual conversation with her. At some point during the conversation, ask if she would be interested in getting a cup of coffee with you, or a beer. Or if you are feeling comfortable, ask if she would be interested in going to a movie, or dinner.

If this is someone that you have seen around, but never talked to, this is alittle tougher. What has attracted you to her... it is her smile, her laugh... is she the most beautiful thing you have laid eyes on? Do you think you can get the courage to go over and pay her a complement, ie.. that her smile brightened your day.. Or that her laughter filled you with joy... Or, "I wish I had a flower to offer you, but there are none that can compare to your beauty" Never be afraid to walk up to a lady and pay her a complement.. she will be flatered. Don't come on to strong.. Quietly say what you have to, then walk away. In doing this, you have gotten her attention. When you see her again, once again pay her a complement.. After a couple of times of this, its time for you to do something slightly different. When you see her, tell her that you are delighted to see her, and that seeing her makes your day better. Now is when you can strike up a very casual conversation. Keep it on general things, music, movies, books... never politics.. people tend to get passionate about that subject. Ask her what she likes, hopefully you will have some common interests.. if not, ask questions, and be interested in what she has to say. The minute you feel nervous, excuse yourself, go to the mens room and take some deep breaths. If you can calm down, go back.. If you think you are going to go blank, DO NOT be rude and just leave.. Go over, simply say that you must leave, but ask if you may continue the conversation at a later time. If she says yes, you must decide at this point whether to continue this "fencing" like you are, or whether you are able to ask her out. If you can, then ask her is she would like to have dinner on XX night to continue the discussion. I hope she will agree...

Good luck sweetie... I will have my fingers crossed for you.

 

[bibliogrl]

What I Look For

Let's be honest -- looks DO matter. What is true, however, is that there is not a uniform standard for what kind of looks appeal to a particular woman. Jon Stewart shows up naked in my dreams with a fair degree of frequency. I suspect that there are women (and certainly men) who would find this puzzling, just as I am often puzzled by the extent to which men whom I do not find attractive get cast in starring roles in movie after movie. I can only assume that other women (or men) find these men appealing, even though I do not.

I have also seen women who claim to have a "type", and then end up with a man who is not at all the type they've described. (Men seem to be far more reliable in their description of their "type" of woman.) So, I can understand why you might find the whole business quite confusing.

Frankly, my advice would be not to worry about what women want, and figure out what you want. If there is a woman whom you find attractive, see if you can engage her in conversation. Make reasonable eye contact, smile, listen to what she is telling you, respond in a way that makes it clear you are hearing what she says. Then, walk away. A bit of mystery is a plus. If she is into you, she will let you know. When she does, return the favor. The amorphous thing known as "chemistry" will either make itself apparent to you both, or it will not. If it is there, things will go in a direction that will make you very happy. If it is not, you will not likely be able to manufacture it. You should, instead, try your luck with the next woman who floats your boat. Eventually, you will find your right match and sail off together into the sunset. I am sure of it.

 

[jacuzzigal]

This is a great topic and I have to say these are great answers. And DC's answer was WONDERFUL.

I guess this is a tricky thing. Because what women want really varies with the woman, which you can see from the variety of answers here. Maybe the question isn't what the average woman wants as much as what an individuals wants. If we're honest about that and really listen to one another, the trick will be finding what matches to really find your match.

It's wonderful to know there are men who are really interested. Thanks for that.

 

[CountryBoy20]

hehe, Ive heard that line so many times, its not even funny.
"Your such a great guy and your going to make some girl very happy some day"
I really do appreciate the comment though when I get it.
But the thing thats always stuck in my head is " well, if im such a great guy, hows come your not interested in me?" lol
but I think my lack of confidence has hurt me some, although Im MUCH more confident now, then i was 6 months ago. I also think I end up in the "friend" status a lot, because i dont ask the girl out in time, and thats what i become.
But I guess the complexitys of women, are what make them so interesting and appealing, and why us men adore them.

 

[Leeleigh]

hehe, Ive heard that line so many times, its not even funny.
"Your such a great guy and your going to make some girl very happy some day"
I really do appreciate the comment though when I get it.
But the thing thats always stuck in my head is " well, if im such a great guy, hows come your not interested in me?" lol
but I think my lack of confidence has hurt me some, although Im MUCH more confident now, then i was 6 months ago. I also think I end up in the "friend" status a lot, because i dont ask the girl out in time, and thats what i become.
But I guess the complexitys of women, are what make them so interesting and appealing, and why us men adore them.

Honey, sometimes starting out as friends is the best way.