What does it mean to be "owned"?

[LostLittleOne]

Everyone here seems to have all of the answers to my burning questions, so hopefully someone can shed some light on this one for me...

My current Dom has declared recently that he "owns" me and I am his. Naturally, even without knowing what that truly means, I love the sound and the feel of it.

But what does that mean for me? I understand that it does not mean exclusivity on his part, but does it mean that I am expected to be exclusively his? Theoretically, would I be allowed to play with another Dom? Not that I necessarily want to, I am just trying to figure out what this all means...

If I am missing something, please tell me. I just want to learn!

Thank you all!!

 

[seela]

Everyone here seems to have all of the answers to my burning questions, so hopefully someone can shed some light on this one for me...

My current Dom has declared recently that he "owns" me and I am his. Naturally, even without knowing what that truly means, I love the sound and the feel of it.

But what does that mean for me? I understand that it does not mean exclusivity on his part, but does it mean that I am expected to be exclusively his? Theoretically, would I be allowed to play with another Dom? Not that I necessarily want to, I am just trying to figure out what this all means...

If I am missing something, please tell me. I just want to learn!

Thank you all!!

There is no universal truth of what it means to be owned or what it looks like. What it means to you and him has to be discussed and decided between the two of you.

To some being owned means they have no say in anything anymore. To others it's just a word they use because they find the concept hot and it turns them on even though it has no real influence to their day-to-day life. Yet to some other people the word owned or ownership means absolutely nothing at all in BDSM context.

Typically this kind of things are discussed in the early stages of the relationship and in my opinion the dominant party can't just declare they have ownership of someone else. It has to be consented to by the one who is owned. And how can you consent to it, if you don't know what it means?

So this is a question you should definitely be asking from your dominant. You two are the only people who can make up the rules for your relationship.

 

[submit4pleasure]

I've been owned by several Doms and one Domme. Only one of them expected me to be sexually exclusive. Being owned means whatever you both decide, together, that it means for you and your relationship.

Don't fall into the trap of blindly allowing your Dom to dictate what happens in your relationship. Remember, being a sub doesn't mean being a pushover.

Dom or not, I would never be exclusive with some one who wasn't exclusive with me.

 

[RawHumor]

I agree with both of the above posts. Ownership is a term for taking a D/s relationship to the next level, but it should be discussed and agreed upon before being declared. Some questions should definitely be asked.

Being a top doesn't give him freedom to have multiple bottoms. Being a bottom doesn't mean that you can't have multiple tops. Exclusivity (or lack thereof) is one aspect that you guys need to have a dialogue about.

Also, is this online only play? YOU need to decide how much input or control he gets over your non-sexual life. He needs to figure out if he wants some or any control over it (you may want him to choose every detail and he may not have time/energy for that, or he may want to control everything and it might not work for you).

 

[docile_dancer]

You've gotten some really sound answers already, but my question for you is... why would you automatically assume that exclusivity wasn't part of being "owned"? We all have our preferences and that would make my hackles rise - but that's just me.

My actual point, and other have said the same, is that if you have to ask us these questions then there is a disconnect on your end. Whatever opinions and ideas might be right or wrong for each of us, there is no way around communication.

Don't get me wrong, you can always ask questions of anyone in the community. What I meant to say is ask him these questions too. Only the two of you can come to an agreement. Keep in mind, you get to walk away if you can't come to a mutually beneficial decision.

Also, you should know that it is a huge red flag if he refuses to answer your questions... It's interesting that someone would claim ownership of you without discussing it first. *ahem*

Good luck!

 

[the captians wench]

Typically this kind of things are discussed in the early stages of the relationship and in my opinion the dominant party can't just declare they have ownership of someone else. It has to be consented to by the one who is owned. And how can you consent to it, if you don't know what it means?.

I don't really have anything new to add, except that I did fall into this at one point.

*disclaimer: all of this happened in an "online" relationships situation*

Jounar and I were going through a period where we would go a month or more with out communication. (We have decided not to be exclusive because of the distance) I was playing with another PYL and he seemed to always make time for me (and the time zone thing was even more fucked up with him than with Jounar) so I went totally gaga over this guy, and eventually he declared that I was his, and no longer belonged to Jounar. Me being this newer submissive all excited over the romanticism of the idea of being owned (and reading way too many Gor novels at the time) just kind of accepted it as if I had no choice in the mater.

Well, Jounar did surface again (this all happened in a 3 month absence) and when I told him that I had been playing with some one else and that this other claimed me, I realized that's not what I wanted. Jounar is my soul mate if there has ever been such a thing, I was just attention starved (I am quite needy that way) and ran to the first person who lavished it upon me.

We worked through that, obviously, but what he said to me has really always stuck with me, "Submission taken is worthless. Submission given of your own free will is the greatest gift." And I've always valued the relationships more where either I offered my submission, or it was asked of me, than the ones where it was more "Me Dom, you sub" kind of thing.

 

[LostLittleOne]

To some being owned means they have no say in anything anymore. To others it's just a word they use because they find the concept hot and it turns them on even though it has no real influence to their day-to-day life. Yet to some other people the word owned or ownership means absolutely nothing at all in BDSM context.

Typically this kind of things are discussed in the early stages of the relationship and in my opinion the dominant party can't just declare they have ownership of someone else. It has to be consented to by the one who is owned. And how can you consent to it, if you don't know what it means?

So this is a question you should definitely be asking from your dominant. You two are the only people who can make up the rules for your relationship.

Thank you, Seela... that makes sense, I suppose I was just curious if there was a "widely accepted" definition, but I see now that that doesn't exist.

I've been owned by several Doms and one Domme. Only one of them expected me to be sexually exclusive. Being owned means whatever you both decide, together, that it means for you and your relationship.

Don't fall into the trap of blindly allowing your Dom to dictate what happens in your relationship. Remember, being a sub doesn't mean being a pushover.

Dom or not, I would never be exclusive with some one who wasn't exclusive with me.

This is a very good point... the impression I've gotten from my Dom is that he is completely open to me having as many vanilla partners as I want, but I get the idea that he intends to be my only Dom.

I suppose I'm a little afraid to ask him that specific question, because I don't want him to feel that I am disloyal or looking for someone else. I'm just curious.

 

[LostLittleOne]

I agree with both of the above posts. Ownership is a term for taking a D/s relationship to the next level, but it should be discussed and agreed upon before being declared. Some questions should definitely be asked.

Being a top doesn't give him freedom to have multiple bottoms. Being a bottom doesn't mean that you can't have multiple tops. Exclusivity (or lack thereof) is one aspect that you guys need to have a dialogue about.

Also, is this online only play? YOU need to decide how much input or control he gets over your non-sexual life. He needs to figure out if he wants some or any control over it (you may want him to choose every detail and he may not have time/energy for that, or he may want to control everything and it might not work for you).

Interesting... thanks for your perspective! It is good to know that there is a spectrum of different definitions for this word.

We met online, but we play in person. He doesn't seem to want any type of 24/7 arrangement, which is perfect because I don't either. My curiosity stems mainly from wanting to be the "perfect" sub for him, and I would hate to over-step a boundary without knowing it.

 

[submit4pleasure]

It's perfectly okay to ask questions of a Dom that you would ask any sexual partner. Don't rely on impressions, and don't assume he gets to dictate who your sexual partners are unless you get to do the same for him.

You're a person who has every right to your own life, body and emotions. You can and should ask for what you need/want from your Dom/me(s).

 

[the captians wench]

You can and should ask for what you need/want from your Dom/me(s).

This was the hardest thing for me to learn. Jounar used to make me ask for everything, and I have a playmate that still gets a kick out of doing it. (Though I think he likes to see me struggle deciding which hole he should be filling. Damn oral fixation) He still will ask me what I want and how far do I want to go, so that he and I are on the same page. I like the freedom that it gives me. I never have to feel embarrassed or ashamed of what I want, or how much I want with him. That is liberating.

 

[MrHappy212]

"Submission taken is worthless. Submission given of your own free will is the greatest gift."

This is my opinion so don't start flaming me if yours is different.

To truly be OWNED one must submit COMPLETELY to their CHOSEN master. Being owned means giving yourself heart, body, and mind to that person and requires complete trust in them. This can also be said of love. If you do not trust your partner in all things then why are you even with them?

You can have many people in your life, take them into your bed and enjoy every minute of play but at the end of the night when your curled up beside that one special person, then you know who owns you.

As they say, set it free and if returns, it is yours to keep.

 

[LostLittleOne]

We worked through that, obviously, but what he said to me has really always stuck with me, "Submission taken is worthless. Submission given of your own free will is the greatest gift."

Love that quote!

 

[submit4pleasure]

Love this!

This is my opinion so don't start flaming me if yours is different.

To truly be OWNED one must submit COMPLETELY to their CHOSEN master. Being owned means giving yourself heart, body, and mind to that person and requires complete trust in them. This can also be said of love. If you do not trust your partner in all things then why are you even with them?

You can have many people in your life, take them into your bed and enjoy every minute of play but at the end of the night when your curled up beside that one special person, then you know who owns you.

As they say, set it free and if returns, it is yours to keep.

So very true...

 

[LostLittleOne]

To truly be OWNED one must submit COMPLETELY to their CHOSEN master. Being owned means giving yourself heart, body, and mind to that person and requires complete trust in them. This can also be said of love. If you do not trust your partner in all things then why are you even with them?

You can have many people in your life, take them into your bed and enjoy every minute of play but at the end of the night when your curled up beside that one special person, then you know who owns you.

As they say, set it free and if returns, it is yours to keep.

This makes a lot of sense to me! I agree that trust is the core component... If I didn't trust someone I would never submit to them in the first place. This is how I feel about my current Dom. I started this thread mostly out of curiosity of what it might mean to him.

Side note... I'm from Dallas originally. Yay for kinky Texans!

 

[desertslave]

We can only speculate on what it means. The best thing is to ask your own Dom what it means to him and how it affects you. Being *owned* isn't a universal truth.

 

[babslovesherdaddy]

Everyone here seems to have all of the answers to my burning questions, so hopefully someone can shed some light on this one for me...

My current Dom has declared recently that he "owns" me and I am his. Naturally, even without knowing what that truly means, I love the sound and the feel of it.

But what does that mean for me? I understand that it does not mean exclusivity on his part, but does it mean that I am expected to be exclusively his? Theoretically, would I be allowed to play with another Dom? Not that I necessarily want to, I am just trying to figure out what this all means...

If I am missing something, please tell me. I just want to learn!

Thank you all!!

From one owned to another, the meaning of ownership is defined by your Dom. If you are unsure, ask Him. I'm certain He will be glad to explain it to you. I can tell you what it means to me and my Dom, but it may be different for you and Yours. It should please Him when you ask for limits from Him, as opposed to trying to define your own. In my eyes, that is actually a large part of being owned, trusting Him to direct you.

 

[julia2442]

he once told me he takes care of what he owns. because he owns me, he protects me. because he owns me, he prizes me. because i've got his name all over me, inside and out, he takes perfect care to take me low and bring me back up, to wear me out and replenish me, to pull me apart and put me together again. because i am owned, i am also cared for once he's reminded me of my place.

there is a complex power dynamic there, when i'm on my knees on the bare floor, or even right here talking about him. we're a subject and object. we are on either side of the simplest transitive verb. he does the owning, but i have to be there to take what he's got to give. there is mutual need, mutual desire. the leash is useless unless it's keeping that prized thing close.

 

[CutieMouse]

My first thought was "why would one accept being 'owned', without a conversation about what that means re: the relationship & how ownership impacts the people involved?"

 

[Cumference]

.... Being owned means whatever you both decide, together, that it means for you and your relationship.......

I guess this is a very good definition.


And in a normal Western country, it also means, that the "owned" only lasts for as long, as both parties are in agreement.

Any longer than that, and we move into the realm of court rooms and long prison sentences.

 

[box13]

Yay for kinky Texans!

Just repeating for emphasis.

 

[malefica]

Generally 'owned' implies some form of TPE (total power exchange). How much power is exchanged depends on the particular style of the individuals involved and what you negotiate. For example, TPE can apply to just when in a private space (a house, or a play space in a local dungeon). For some, such as those who follow the Gorean lifestyle, TPE means what it says literally - that the dominant individual becomes rightfully in control of every facet of the submissive individual's life. While they may not control everything, the implication of 'they can' is present.

TPE is often negotiated before it is implemented; there are still hard limits to consider. After all, are you comfortable with wearing a collar in public, or would you prefer less visible but still discreet signs of ownership and acknowledging the dynamic by, say, letting him order food for you or walking a few steps ahead when down the street? Would you want to be open about the dynamic to the point of letting him control what you wear, or do you work in such a profession or location where that would be inappropriate?

TPE and ownership does not mean that the submissive, slave or pet does not have any control. There is and always still should be a safeword. This is common sense, for your safety. Although one case I heard of was when, during a bondage scene, the dominant had a heart attack - the submissive was quite helpless to do anything, and naturally, the safeword was null and void because the only person in the area to hear it was preoccupied with their ill health. A bit of an extreme example of where safewords may not work but, generally, there is nothing wrong with still using them even if you are owned. Your health, as the submissive, both mental and physical, is and should be the dominant's priority to uphold and maintain. Even if you are objectified to nothing but property - do you not take care of your property, to make sure that you get the best use out of it?

For me personally, I am a submissive. I, however, choose to only submit to my Owner - he is the only one who I have given that right to. Submission and being submissive does not mean that every so-called or claimed Dominant has the right to demand that you obey them, that they demand you kneel to them. Fuck that. You have the choice to do so, always, until and if you agree to be their submissive. Until then? You are your own person, who can make your own choices.

Ownership is a two-way street. If you step up to the plate of obeying their orders and meeting their needs, they must step up to the plate too by ensuring that you are safe, well-cared for and genuinely happy in the arrangement that you both have.

 

[richard_daily]

Asking "what does it mean to be 'owned'" will get you as many answers as "what makes for good sex?" would.

The definition is as varied and individual as you can get. Ownership can imply a multitude of things, and as others have said in this thread, the only one who can give you the real answers for this is the one who said he wants to own you.

Ownership can be kind and compassionate, or brutal and inhumane... as long as it's consensual, and everyone has signed on board, it can all be enjoyable in the right circumstances.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

My first thought was "why would one accept being 'owned', without a conversation about what that means re: the relationship & how ownership impacts the people involved?"

This, for sure.

Asking "what does it mean to be 'owned'" will get you as many answers as "what makes for good sex?" would.

The definition is as varied and individual as you can get. Ownership can imply a multitude of things, and as others have said in this thread, the only one who can give you the real answers for this is the one who said he wants to own you.

Ownership can be kind and compassionate, or brutal and inhumane... as long as it's consensual, and everyone has signed on board, it can all be enjoyable in the right circumstances.

And this.

I am owned. My PYL and I are very much in agreement with what this means for us.

Do not consent to something like this if you don't understand the implications. If you can't ask him what he means by "owned" then you shouldn't be in that situation.

 

[daringventure]

My current Dom has declared recently that he "owns" me and I am his.

Personally, I have a problem with this. I feel that submission must be GIVEN, not taken. In my own opinion, he can declare whatever the hell he wants and it still doesn't make you his. Not until you have consented and GIVEN that ownership to him. And if you don't even know what it means, how can you give informed consent? I really feel you two need to sit down and talk. With your clothes on. Outside the bedroom.
When I first started out, I didn't like the thought of being owned. At all. But now I am very contentedly owned. And he didn't "declare" anything. He literally posed it as a question. "Did he own me?" When I answered, I knew what it would mean, what i was giving up and consenting to. Now he declares it all the time.

 

[kittiGoddess]

For me being owned seems to be more a state of mind or just a state of being. I just have an online Master due to distance and circumstances and I would often doubt his ownership of me because of this cyber only existence but on talking to other Masters and Doms it has been said to me that it is clear that he owns you and that you want to be his. This has meant more to me than anything