What does it mean to be a Dominant?

[Sir_Winston54]

(For those who haven't read my previous post in the thread on the origin of one's Dominant or submissive "side," this is a tangent from that thread.)

I would be very interested to see what other Dominants, both long-term and relatively new, think on this subject... and in fact, would be interested to see what submissives have to say. Please feel free to tell me you think I'm full of merde on any or all of these points On the other hand, if you think I'm absolutely brilliant, I won't turn those comments away, either!

So, what does it mean - to me; I can't speak for others - to be "a Dominant?"

I think that first, it means I recognize that my acceptance of Dominance in regard to another requires me to consider her needs and desires in my treatment of her, and to make those needs and desires a priority in our relationship. {N.B.: As a heterosexual Dominant, I will use "He" to refer to a Dominant of either gender, and "her" to refer to a submissive, as that is my orientation. No slight or insult is intended to any other gender-gender relationship, nor any judgment of those relationships. It is simply easier for me to think - and write - from what I know.} Since she has given me the gift of her submission, it behooves me to respond appropriately, which is to know that my behavior should be reciprocal - that is, to give her the gift of my attention, guidance and encouragement.

Second, I believe it is my responsibility to explore those needs and desires with her, and to help her in her growth as a submissive and as a person. To me, it is in some respects a similar relationship to that of parent and child.

I believe I am required by the bonds of our relationship to explore her limits and boundaries, and to the extent that we negotiate it, encourage her to expand those limits and boundaries.

I believe I need to make sure that she always feels safe and secure within our relationship - that I will not suddenly change the parameters of our association, that she can rely on me to be her Dominant. I believe I must be fair with her - as I should with all whom I deal, but even moreso with her - so that she can feel secure with me; if she cannot, then I am deserting her.

I believe it is incumbent on me to ensure that she knows her gift is appreciated - and needed by both of us. A Dominant without a submissive ... or a submissive without a Dominant ... each is but half of the whole.

I believe I must be honest with her, and true to the agreement we have made; and if I cannot be either of these, then I must break our contract or agreement, and let her seek her future in the secure knowledge that the dissolution was not her fault, but mine.

These are not all of my beliefs concerning the meaning of Dominance, but they are the central thoughts I have on the subject - I guess you could call them the core values of my Dominance. {Considering the hours I've been up, I may well find in the morning that I've left some important ones out... but that will have to wait for morning.}

 

[Rugor]

That's a very loose term, "to be Dominant," and can apply to so many situations, but I will try to add some of my thoughts too.

Dominance means control, but it also means guidance. It means leadership, it means responsibility. Dominance means making decisions for both of you. It also means taking the responsibility for those decisions. It's about truth and trust.

I think I've said enough for now.

Please note those are my personal views.

 

[Netzach]

Dominance means to enjoy excercising power over someone else, it gives you a boner or gets you wet when you get your way.

I think all the hoo ha about personal growth, care, concern etc. might be what makes someone safe or appealing or unappealing, but I don't think being Dominant necessitates being caring.

You can be Dominant AND an asshole in fact.

When people say "he's not a real Dominant" as a reaction to a percieved dangerous player, I always chuckle.

I just say "he's an ass."

 

[Betticus]

For me it is just some key part of my personality that has always been there. It just took a while for me to recognize it. I did for years downplay it due to the thoughts that something was wrong with me. I didn't fit into the role of a male in polite society so I covered it up for quite a few years.

I'm still shedding the bits of those psychological safeguards that were in place. Good riddance. I was smothering myself and now I feel like I can breathe fresh air again.

 

[Netzach]

I *certainly* didn't seem to fit into the role of a female in polite society.

 

[Betticus]

I *certainly* didn't seem to fit into the role of a female in polite society.

Do tell.

Mine used to get me into fight after fight. The interesting thing being that while I wouldn't just pounce on someone and start it I felt an intense sense of power and pleasure during the act. Bordering on raw, uncontrolled lust. My whole world would narrow down into an almost surreal other reality. I didn't see or hear anything else. I didn't fight to win or to force a capitulation either. I fought to inflict pain and degradation. To break the other into total submission even if it wasn't psychological submission. I wanted to overpower them, to hurt them and there was no satisfaction quite like seeing the genuine fear for life in their eyes. Knowing that only my self control would get them out of the situation.

I didn't know it at first but friends tell me that when I go to that place I speak unintelligibly and giggle almost maniacally. The whole experience is so overwhelmingly powerful that tears will flow from my eyes and sometimes the blood pressure gets so high that I will get nosebleeds during it. In that place there is no fear, I feel no pain and I'm unstoppable. There is no rage really but a euphoric high that treads close to sexual exstacy.

Apparently that wasn't okay when I was a teen so they brought in the behavioural psychologists. I needed a shrink that was a Master or Mistress I think. Things may have been different.


Anyone else get like this?

 

[Netzach]

Do tell.

Mine used to get me into fight after fight. The interesting thing being that while I wouldn't just pounce on someone and start it I felt an intense sense of power and pleasure during the act. Bordering on raw, uncontrolled lust. My whole world would narrow down into an almost surreal other reality. I didn't see or hear anything else. I didn't fight to win or to force a capitulation either. I fought to inflict pain and degradation. To break the other into total submission even if it wasn't psychological submission. I wanted to overpower them, to hurt them and there was no satisfaction quite like seeing the genuine fear for life in their eyes. Knowing that only my self control would get them out of the situation.

I liked to do this mentally/emotionally.

I still can sometimes get into an unchecked and nasty kind of argument with loved ones, usually enhanced by PMS.

I know it's going overboard, I know it's like using a machine gun on a mosquito, but I have...to....wear...them....down and I have trouble stopping myself. A lot of trouble stopping myself.

Other people's tears made me smug and sweaty THEN horrified.

Therapy definitely made a difference in how I treat those close to me.

 

[Learn Humility]

Originally posted by sir_Winston54 [/i]
I believe I am required by the bonds of our relationship to explore her limits and boundaries, and to the extent that we negotiate it, encourage her to expand those limits and boundaries.

I agree with everything you said (and put quite well, I might add), except for the above.

I don't believe that limits should, or need be, negotiated in advance.

The Dominant partner who knows what he or she is doing, and cares, will instinctively know the limits of the submissive without being told.

A negotiation before the fact, I think, inhibits the ability of the the Dominant partner to expand those limits.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I think you fellas and Netzach must have some pretty full PM boxes by now. LOL

You all sound about perfect for those subs who are looking.

 

[WriterDom]

As long as she is passionate and cums easily and often, I don’t really need to know her wants and desires. I have a certain style, I guess it is more sexual and physical. By the time I meet someone, they have gotten an ear full of what I like, and have formed their own opinion of if it is for them or not.

Limits don’t concern me much. I think it is important for her to grow in her service, but I’m not going to hook her nipples up to a car battery, or share her with another man. The only blood play I like is fucking her while she is on her period, and trying to get in the shower without looking down.

 

[Netzach]

Re: Re: What does it mean to be a Dominant?

I agree with everything you said (and put quite well, I might add), except for the above.

I don't believe that limits should, or need be, negotiated in advance.

The Dominant partner who knows what he or she is doing, and cares, will instinctively know the limits of the submissive without being told.

A negotiation before the fact, I think, inhibits the ability of the the Dominant partner to expand those limits.

Intuition is a big part of how I operate but assumptions are a really shitty cold shower, and making them is very human.

I don't think there's any substitute for clear, concise, direct communications. Even if it pissses all over someone's Sir Stephen fantasies, I don't operate without taking that step.

 

[Netzach]

....But I personally DO play with needles and knives and ropes that lift you up where you belong, and sleep sacks and hoods and piss and poop and electrostim and...well you get the idea.

So if your best friend was electrocuted in an accident in front of you and the very notion of a TENS unit makes you pass out, it's going to be something I'd rather know at the outset, not "intuit" when I take out the device and say "let's try a little electricity play, shall we?"

 

[Learn Humility]

Netzach,

The true submissive, IMO, does not and cannot know what her limits are in advance.

She may think she knows, but in the hands of the right Dom those supposed limits can very often be easily expanded.

When limits are negotiated in advance, I believe it greatly inhibits the actions of the Dom, as well as the potential of the sub.

Suppose the Dom enjoys a particular activity, but during the "negotiation process" the sub makes it clear that this particular activity is beyond her limits.

First of all, I would say that strictly speaking this is not a true D/s relationship since the sub is telling the Dom what he can or cannot do.

But that aside, if the Dom knows that this particular activity is off limits, he may be discouraged from even introducing it.

I much prefer having the option of introducing anything, based on my needs and what I detect (in part from intuition and in part from her actions) her needs to be.

If I'm wrong, I can always pull back a notch or two (or completely) if necessary, which, BTW, helps to build the trust of the submissive for the next time I try the activity in question.

I always respect the limits of a submissive, while always seeking to expand them as well. I just prefer to learn what those limits are as I go along.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I agree with most of what you said there. How does a person know limits if they have never been there.
But..... you leave out something important that should (IMHO) always be included on these boards. That would be that there would actually be an existing relationship and not just a play partner type thing. It took me a long time to understand the submissives limits thing, i felt the same as you...like it was telling a Dom what he/she can or can not do and seemed strange to me until i started to meet people who play at BDSM. I know that doesnt sound right but cant thing of a better way to phrase it.) Those people need to be more cautious ...at least thats how i feel, so setting limits is not such a bad idea.

 

[Learn Humility]

......you leave out something important that should (IMHO) always be included on these boards. That would be that there would actually be an existing relationship and not just a play partner type thing.

A very good point, and I would agree 100%.

Everything I said is based on the assumption that a relationship exists, and I believe that I made the distinction.

A sub who is merely "playing" with someone who they may very well never play with again should certainly make it clear what their limits are in advance.

But again, that's "play", not a D/s relationship.

 

[Netzach]

Netzach,

The true submissive, IMO, does not and cannot know what her limits are in advance.

She may think she knows, but in the hands of the right Dom those supposed limits can very often be easily expanded.

I'm not into the "true" distinction, personally. Let's call her a submissive versus a bottom if you have to draw a hard line, I've found the lines pretty arbitratry.

In the hands of the wrong Dom playing psychiatrist she can easily be scarred for any further exploration. In the hands of an idiot with a God complex her body can be broken.

When limits are negotiated in advance, I believe it greatly inhibits the actions of the Dom, as well as the potential of the sub.

I would argue that is SLOWS the linear progression of the D/s. I would argue that it also sets valuable groundwork so that trust is stable and sensible and not a blanket of blind faith thrown over the relationship.

Suppose the Dom enjoys a particular activity, but during the "negotiation process" the sub makes it clear that this particular activity is beyond her limits.

I personally file that and know that things change over time. I don't need to have the power struggle of "no you may have no limits." I know that ultimately, down the line, every submissive I've ever had has sought more after time than at the onset of an exchange, I must be doing something right. Usually the bottom/sub chuckles at the old limit, I always remind them that you are where you are, it wasn't invalid. [/B]


First of all, I would say that strictly speaking this is not a true D/s relationship since the sub is telling the Dom what he can or cannot do.

No. The sub is telling the Dom what SHE can or cannot do.

But that aside, if the Dom knows that this particular activity is off limits, he may be discouraged from even introducing it.

Discouraged from introducing it at that instant, maybe. Alerted to the gravity of the act, yes. Informed that this is not within the realm of possibility for the person in question, maybe even.

I much prefer having the option of introducing anything, based on my needs and what I detect (in part from intuition and in part from her actions) her needs to be.

If I'm wrong, I can always pull back a notch or two (or completely) if necessary, which, BTW, helps to build the trust of the submissive for the next time I try the activity in question.

I always respect the limits of a submissive, while always seeking to expand them as well. I just prefer to learn what those limits are as I go along. [/QUOTE]

I think it's a stylistic issue, as I also pull back when needed...I don't need to pull back very often and suffer few meltdowns and setbacks, which I think also establishes trust rather nicely.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

What does it mean to be "a Dominant?"

Wow! (I'm soooo articulate )

Thank you all for the great responses, even (maybe especially!) those disagreeing with parts of my point of view. If we all thought exactly the same way, how boring life would be...

I like seeing a beautiful round bottom turn hot and red under my hand, and then later see the criss-crossing risen welts brought forth by the cane... Others, who are also Dominants, prefer only to involve themselves in intricate rope bondage, or sensory deprivation, or sexual stimulation/denial, or, or, or... It is that variety that enlivens us. (It's also how I learned to enjoy many of the things that I do now - fire play, wax {still learning there}, cupping, Florentine flogging. Flogging, too, as a matter of fact - when I began, I was strictly spanking, occasional paddling, and sexual play - either to multiples or withheld orgasm. My first toy kit was a small equipment bag, about 8x8x16 inches. Now, I have a double long-gun case for floggers, a single long-gun case for canes, a double pistol case for violet wand and attachments, a hardshell overnight case for the cupping set, and a black duck case about 28x6x14 inches for paddles, furry glove, Wartenburg wheel, wooden spoons, and all those other little "necessities.")

I have to agree with Netzach's comments on negotiated limits: first, that the sub is telling the Dominant what she cannot do at that time; and second, that things change and it is often the submissive who inquires about stretching those limits or boundaries, adding new activities. That is part of the growth I seek to encourage and engender.

I appreciate everyone's viewpoints, and hope that your style works for you and your submissive(s), as mine has worked for me in its 30-year journey - and yes, I have grown over time, as well, and hope to continue that growth until it's time to close the crematorium door behind me and my favorite pair of matched floggers!

 

[Caitlynne]

Netzach,

The true submissive, IMO, does not and cannot know what her limits are in advance.

She may think she knows, but in the hands of the right Dom those supposed limits can very often be easily expanded.

I'm not into the "true" distinction, personally. Let's call her a submissive versus a bottom if you have to draw a hard line, I've found the lines pretty arbitratry.

In the hands of the wrong Dom playing psychiatrist she can easily be scarred for any further exploration. In the hands of an idiot with a God complex her body can be broken.

When limits are negotiated in advance, I believe it greatly inhibits the actions of the Dom, as well as the potential of the sub.

I would argue that is SLOWS the linear progression of the D/s. I would argue that it also sets valuable groundwork so that trust is stable and sensible and not a blanket of blind faith thrown over the relationship.

Suppose the Dom enjoys a particular activity, but during the "negotiation process" the sub makes it clear that this particular activity is beyond her limits.



I personally file that and know that things change over time. I don't need to have the power struggle of "no you may have no limits." I know that ultimately, down the line, every submissive I've ever had has sought more after time than at the onset of an exchange, I must be doing something right. Usually the bottom/sub chuckles at the old limit, I always remind them that you are where you are, it wasn't invalid.


First of all, I would say that strictly speaking this is not a true D/s relationship since the sub is telling the Dom what he can or cannot do.

No. The sub is telling the Dom what SHE can or cannot do.

But that aside, if the Dom knows that this particular activity is off limits, he may be discouraged from even introducing it.

Discouraged from introducing it at that instant, maybe. Alerted to the gravity of the act, yes. Informed that this is not within the realm of possibility for the person in question, maybe even.

I much prefer having the option of introducing anything, based on my needs and what I detect (in part from intuition and in part from her actions) her needs to be.

If I'm wrong, I can always pull back a notch or two (or completely) if necessary, which, BTW, helps to build the trust of the submissive for the next time I try the activity in question.

I always respect the limits of a submissive, while always seeking to expand them as well. I just prefer to learn what those limits are as I go along.

I think it's a stylistic issue, as I also pull back when needed...I don't need to pull back very often and suffer few meltdowns and setbacks, which I think also establishes trust rather nicely.

VERY NICE post!! Great answers -- and I thank you for saving me a whole lot of time typing. Your response and answers allow me to just say "what she said!".

~ cait

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Anyone else get like this?

It's called blood lust.

Let that animal out of the cage on a long leash, yep.

Up to you how you handle the situation.

 

[fallon2]

For me

patience and a sense of humor is part of being a dominant.

But Patience, always.

 

[Betticus]

It's called blood lust.

Let that animal out of the cage on a long leash, yep.

Up to you how you handle the situation.

Blood lust huh? I try to not let things build up to that point unless I really don't like the other person or if they have insulted me.

As far as handling the situation? It is much more like the decision to have just one more lick of ice cream than any kind of real question of what it is doing to the other person or the people seeing it happen. Once in that situation it's almost like breathing, it's just natural.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Once in that situation it's almost like breathing, it's just natural.

Exactly ...

 

[Netzach]

Hmmm

Maybe it just means someone's crazy enough to take your orders.




That may be facetious, but really, I often think to myself, I'm just me. If people think I'm worth listening to, obeying, or full of crackhead stupidity, I'm just going to be me at the end of the day.