What do you

[Kajira Callista]

think of a Dominant who "claims" you and doesn't want you to tell who he is?

 

[FurryFury]

think of a Dominant who "claims" you and doesn't want you to tell who he is?

*shakes head in confusion*

Maybe he should grow some balls if you two are ever going to be skin to skin?

I dunno.

Fury

 

[callinectes]

jackass


Unless it is silly online playing where everyone knows the score..like the Sir Leonard alt and lowercaseslutrebecca. I thought that whole thing was hysterical. Though I do understand why it would creep out Rebecca, I was enjoying reading the exchanges.

 

[Recidiva]

I think in my head (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Then there's more thinking.

People like that are fun. At least I have fun.

 

[BiBunny]

I think it'd be loads of fun to fuck with his head...but I'm just evil, so what do I know?

 

[shy slave]

I thought the Sir Leonard thing was funny too, but not if it went further than it did.

Deep down I don't trust the net, lots of weird people out there so if they start saying 'I own you' or 'I will see you soon' and I did not know who they were I would find it unacceptably creepy.

How can someone you don't know be that intense with you?

My take would be he is:

* a wannabe

* an idiot

* a 16 year or 60 year old playing games

* married

* seriously weird.


Although tempting to play mind fuck games I would not do it because I like to know whose head I am playing with. I dislike the unknown

Edit: Like FF I read this as not knowing who the Dom was, I blame lack of caffeine; sorry

 

[CutieMouse]

On the one hand, I understand, and have respect, for someone's desire for privacy; on the other, it would dredge up all sorts of "ashamed to be associated with me" ickyness.

Not a fun position to be in. Period.

 

[nymphee]

I think there's probably a reason why he's not telling you who he is, pure and simple, and if you're not sure of why, you shouldn't consider meeting him. Surely a good BDSM relationship is founded on trust?

 

[CutieMouse]

I didn't read this as person A not telling person B who he is.

I read this as person B knows who person A is, and he has "claimed" her; however, he does not wish the relationship to be public knowledge.


Not an easy position to be in...

 

[nymphee]

Oh, yes, I'm so sorry, my mistake. In that case it depends entirely on the person- I personally would only want to be with a dom who would want to show me off to the world, but then, I'm vain.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

think of a Dominant who "claims" you and doesn't want you to tell who he is?

Huge Red Flag.

How could anyone take submission seriously to a 'Dominant' that will not identify himself .

Recently I spoke with a friend who related a true story of an online Dominant that had until a few days ago had 'serious ' relationships with several submissives at once (under 6 that can be counted) . Half of which he had 'collared' (massive eye rolling here as well as disgust ) . All woman knowing each other and sworn to secrecy. Not one of them aware of the others relationship to him until it started to unravel. His rules to protect himself No displays of any form of 'attention' online in 'public'. IE nothing discernible that might be read by others leading to a conclusion of any affiliation. It took an over 2 hour phone call to the US just to hear the ins and outs of this 'situation'.

Before anyone might assume I enjoyed this as gossip , it isn't and I don't. Both my friend and I have a genuine concern for the ladies that are involved in this travesty. Online aside they are very real with very deep feelings and very deep hurt. I will in fact provide a low grade support to these woman as is appropriate that's yet to be completely defined for now.

While I have real empathy for anyone I know to be suffering for any reason I have to say these woman whom identify as submissives should and did 'know better' . Now these submissives are victims. In my opinion and with some affection for most involved I agree. Though victims to their own stupidity. Victims because they permitted themselves to be. As for accepting collars online in short term relationships give me the strength to not comment on that.

These are all woman who would drop the ' I am a submissive not doormat' comment as quickly as most of us would blink. However they 'traded' a fundamental basic in any relationship for a 'Dom'.

Perhaps its time to drag the list of things that should set off red flags again but then again how about some common sense and personal responsibility on the part of submissives ? The Dom in the story above is a philanderer but if the submissive that permits herself to entertain a potential relationship of this sort needs time out to access her own self esteem issues that would allow her to even consider a relationship at such a cost.

Yes I am passionate on this topic and its because for more years than I wish to count I hear these real stories over and over again particularly of online 'D/s' and they always incorporate serious red flags from the get go.

The identity of anyone you form an alliance with in any part of your life is a fundamental right not a privilege.

EDIT TO ADD

After reading Geoff Sirs #13 of this Thread post I wish to add that my comments are of a serious yet general nature. KC I took it that you are posing a question in general not alluding to yourself specifically. End of Edit

---------------------------------------------

Thank you to those that commented on the parody over the online site. I persisted with it for several reasons. It humored me to do so as well as it being a reasonably entertaining educational tool .

Even in parody form I would not permit myself a staged submissive alliance with another person I could not identify . To this day I have no idea whom the member in Lit using the name 'Sir Leonard' is. Had that person identified themselves to me in pm as I had requested and I could ascertain a common cause for persisting with the parody as a grotesque example of online 'D/s' to deter others then I may have continued. It was not to be.

 

[FurryFury]

think of a Dominant who "claims" you and doesn't want you to tell who he is?

Okay, now I know I misread this. Oops!

See I though he wanted to "claim" you and somehow not tell you who he was. My bad.

Now this is a different thing. Knowing you, KC, I'd say this isn't an online thing? In that case, I'd be very cautious. I'm all for personal privacy but yes, this would bring up red flags.

Online it wouldn't bother me as much, mainly because I am not looking for RL, or even exclusivity. I honestly do not like people knowing who I am involved with online because IMO it leads to assumptions by board members and snarky comments (hey, I've made some myself,) that take away from the joy of what I do want and what I get.

Fury

 

[Evil_Geoff]

think of a Dominant who "claims" you and doesn't want you to tell who he is?

This one is easy and can be summed up in one word:

POSER

He doesn't want the world to know about your relationship because:

A) He's involved with someone else and doesn't want it to get back to him/her

B) He's pursuing someone else and doesn't want it to get back to him/her

C) He's married

D) He has some other lame excuse(s)

E) Some combination of all of the above.

If he doesn't have the 'nads to tell the world: "KC (or insert name of submissive in question here) is MINE and I'm damned proud of it!" he doesn't deserve their submission and sure as hell can't bitch about it when someone with a set of cajones snaps up his property and PROPERLY "claims" her.

Which I, if I wasn't already happily attached to janey and was getting busy working out if we'll be adding a third to the relationship, would consider doing.

'Nuff said

 

[chris9]

I'm not as absolute as others have been on this topic.
Not telling anybody (best friends, favourite family members) would be a red flag. Not telling the public of a relationship, especially while it's rather new can have good reasons.
If both interact in the same crowd (either online or RL), they might decide to see if the relationship is going somewhere (which would depend on what's meant by 'claimed' in KC's post) without getting 'friends' or acquaintances involved. Should it not work out noone will feel it necessary to take a side. It cuts down on well-meant advice that's not wanted. Especially online it can just be a privacy thing.
Personally I would mind never telling 'the world' that we're together and happy, but I wouldn't mind waiting for even a considerable amount of time if he desired so and had a reason important enough to eliminate the red flags.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I'm not as absolute as others have been on this topic.
Not telling anybody (best friends, favourite family members) would be a red flag. Not telling the public of a relationship, especially while it's rather new can have good reasons.
If both interact in the same crowd (either online or RL), they might decide to see if the relationship is going somewhere (which would depend on what's meant by 'claimed' in KC's post) without getting 'friends' or acquaintances involved. Should it not work out noone will feel it necessary to take a side. It cuts down on well-meant advice that's not wanted. Especially online it can just be a privacy thing.
Personally I would mind never telling 'the world' that we're together and happy, but I wouldn't mind waiting for even a considerable amount of time if he desired so and had a reason important enough to eliminate the red flags.

Chris I completely agree with many points you have made regarding privacy , room for growth etc. There may be a myriad of consensual, relative and sound reasons with both parties fully aware and committed. My angst falls from conduct that is endemic in the D/s online Community and serves to devalue the positive for some as well leaving behind submissives and slaves whom have become a party to it all when a Dominants conduct become nefarious. These 'doms' are usually serial abusers and often go through realms of inexperienced submisssives and I may add the reasonably experienced as well. Although the woman I spoke of above had the initial relationship online all but one viewed that as a LDR as a stepping stone to 'RL'. This had been promised .discussed and even initiated by the dominant in question.

As I added in my Edit above I took this as a general question that KC may have posed to examine/educate issues with this kind of tactic for some. If I had viewed this as a question of personal nature Its very likely I would not have commented on this Thread . KC to the best of my knowledge has enough experience to know the answers for herself . My comments would have been completely redundant that being the case.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I am just posing a question.
The reason being that I myself have fallen into that situation before... knowing damned well it was wrong and I should be listening to inside me but I didn't.
Honestly, if it was just play and we both agreed on that it would be fine to remain anonymous... I have done this before without problem.
I for one am at a point in my life where if my Dom/Master/Mate/Whatever didn't "want the world to know" about us and our happiness, I would without a doubt take a walk.
I'm just seeing too much of the "it's a secret" stuff and I worry for subs that fall into this.

BTW who is sir lenard and what thread are we talking about?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I am just posing a question.
The reason being that I myself have fallen into that situation before... knowing damned well it was wrong and I should be listening to inside me but I didn't.
Honestly, if it was just play and we both agreed on that it would be fine to remain anonymous... I have done this before without problem.
I for one am at a point in my life where if my Dom/Master/Mate/Whatever didn't "want the world to know" about us and our happiness, I would without a doubt take a walk.
I'm just seeing too much of the "it's a secret" stuff and I worry for subs that fall into this.

BTW who is sir lenard and what thread are we talking about?

Hey KC ................smiles

The Thread you asked about was BDSM software as for the 'Sir Leonard' in Lit as I said I have no idea. Could be a submissive or a Dominant, the style of personal pm's that I received here were by someone with a reasonable knowledge of how a formal D/s conversation might be expressed . You know what I mean. The point however the person in question would not reveal to me their actual identity so I made the only decision that was responsible . I refused to participate.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Hey KC ................smiles

The Thread you asked about was BDSM software as for the 'Sir Leonard' in Lit as I said I have no idea. Could be a submissive or a Dominant, the style of personal pm's that I received here were by someone with a reasonable knowledge of how a formal D/s conversation might be expressed . You know what I mean. The point however the person in question would not reveal to me their actual identity so I made the only decision that was responsible . I refused to participate.

*takes 4 advil* now that was odd lol

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'm not as absolute as others have been on this topic.
Not telling anybody (best friends, favourite family members) would be a red flag. Not telling the public of a relationship, especially while it's rather new can have good reasons.

*nods* Broadcasting to the world is one thing, but not telling _anyone_ is a very, very different one. Abusers want to operate in secret, they want to seperate their victims from family and friends, isolate them from a safety net. And if they are not an abuser per se, I'm sorry, but I can't think of a single, solitary, legitimate reason to keep a budding relationship (let alone one that has progressed to the point of "claiming" their partner) a "secret" from close friends or family.

... (which would depend on what's meant by 'claimed' in KC's post) without getting 'friends' or acquaintances involved. Should it not work out noone will feel it necessary to take a side. It cuts down on well-meant advice that's not wanted. Especially online it can just be a privacy thing.
Personally I would mind never telling 'the world' that we're together and happy, but I wouldn't mind waiting for even a considerable amount of time if he desired so and had a reason important enough to eliminate the red flags.

In my world, "claimed" in a relationship sense means "collared", it means "committed", it means "owned". It does not mean "dating", it doesn't mean "exploring the possibilities", it does not mean "casually playing". It means someone has declared themselves HMFIC of the relationship, has put down roots, has marked his/her territory and is ready to defend it against all comers, and is in the relationship for the long haul. Anything else is using the word to mis-represent one's intent, and is therefore dishonest.

Again, not telling the world is one thing, not telling close friends and family is another. A partner who keeps telling you "don't tell anyone about us" isn't worried about people taking sides if you split up (which in my book is one of the aforementioned "lame excuses"). He/she is worried about someone finding out they are in a relationship that they don't want that someone to find out about.

I mean seriously. What self respecting Dominant is going to put his property in a position like this:

DomlyDom: Well hey there, subbysub! You know, I've really been impressed with your poise, and intelligence, and humor, and you're really hot. I want to get to know you better! Would you care to meet for lunch or coffee?

subbysub: I'm really flattered Sir, but I can't. I'm claimed.

DomlyDom: Really? Wow! I didn't know. I asked a bunch of your friends if you were involved and no one said anything...

subbysub: I know, but my owner won't let me tell anyone he's claimed me.

For me it's a black or white issue. If somone is going to "claim" someone as theirs, then they bloody well better have the balls to stand up and DO it! Fiddle-farting around in secret is mamby-pamby bullshit. That's not "claiming" anything, that's skulking about and hiding. It leaves the submissive in the position of having to defend/maintain the relationship without the "Dominant" supporting their own property. And THAT, my friends, is inexcusable, unsupportable, and utter nonsense.

 

[JMohegan]

For me it's a black or white issue. If somone is going to "claim" someone as theirs, then they bloody well better have the balls to stand up and DO it! Fiddle-farting around in secret is mamby-pamby bullshit. That's not "claiming" anything, that's skulking about and hiding.

I agree with what you have written here, Geoff, but would point out that sometimes the secrecy does not result from a Dominant's command so much as complicity between both partners.

Marital infidelity is quite prevalent in our society, and it spawns many secret relationships. This is not a new phenomenon, nor is it specific to BDSM. Of course, there are unique dangers involved in a secret BDSM relationship. But the emotional risk exists no matter the flavor.

It is difficult for me to understand why a woman would give her love and submission to a married man. However, if she does, it is not hard to understand why she might be reluctant to tell even close friends about the arrangement.

If the Dominant has been honest about what he is offering, and she has accepted, then the submissive bears full responsibility for her own "skulking about". And while it seems fair to label the Dominant a liar and cheat because of his philandering, "abuser" might be going too far.

 

[chris9]

*nods* Broadcasting to the world is one thing, but not telling _anyone_ is a very, very different one. Abusers want to operate in secret, they want to seperate their victims from family and friends, isolate them from a safety net. And if they are not an abuser per se, I'm sorry, but I can't think of a single, solitary, legitimate reason to keep a budding relationship (let alone one that has progressed to the point of "claiming" their partner) a "secret" from close friends or family.


In my world, "claimed" in a relationship sense means "collared", it means "committed", it means "owned". It does not mean "dating", it doesn't mean "exploring the possibilities", it does not mean "casually playing". It means someone has declared themselves HMFIC of the relationship, has put down roots, has marked his/her territory and is ready to defend it against all comers, and is in the relationship for the long haul. Anything else is using the word to mis-represent one's intent, and is therefore dishonest.

Again, not telling the world is one thing, not telling close friends and family is another. A partner who keeps telling you "don't tell anyone about us" isn't worried about people taking sides if you split up (which in my book is one of the aforementioned "lame excuses"). He/she is worried about someone finding out they are in a relationship that they don't want that someone to find out about.

I mean seriously. What self respecting Dominant is going to put his property in a position like this:

DomlyDom: Well hey there, subbysub! You know, I've really been impressed with your poise, and intelligence, and humor, and you're really hot. I want to get to know you better! Would you care to meet for lunch or coffee?

subbysub: I'm really flattered Sir, but I can't. I'm claimed.

DomlyDom: Really? Wow! I didn't know. I asked a bunch of your friends if you were involved and no one said anything...

subbysub: I know, but my owner won't let me tell anyone he's claimed me.

For me it's a black or white issue. If somone is going to "claim" someone as theirs, then they bloody well better have the balls to stand up and DO it! Fiddle-farting around in secret is mamby-pamby bullshit. That's not "claiming" anything, that's skulking about and hiding. It leaves the submissive in the position of having to defend/maintain the relationship without the "Dominant" supporting their own property. And THAT, my friends, is inexcusable, unsupportable, and utter nonsense.

I agree that not telling anyone send up red flags. I never said anything else.
I was mainly thinking about telling the world of this forum. I don't know why I did. I started thinking if this is valid for other (online and offline) communities, but didn't get very far Brain is only working law and shuts down for everything else.
On this forum we have (and had) some couples. Sometimes both participate actively, sometimes only one does while the other only reads. Not telling this forum might just be because you don't like the kind of interaction that not only happens between the partners (similar to a dislike of showing public affection), but also with other posters who joke around with your partner about you (not in a mean way; I'm thinking calling Andante 'the viking' for example). It does not seem like a good reason if you don't feel like that yourself.
And after the drama especially Killishandra brought into this forum, keeping a relationship secret from the public (not from everybody) doesn't seem always and completely wrong to me.

As to the word 'claimed', I fully agree with your definition. But since we tend to discuss every tiny definition here, I'm open to the possibility that others don't see it as absolute as I do and you say you do. I don't think KC thinks of this much different than you do, but as a general question I decided to consider it might mean something different to another person.

LOL to your example, especially since MasterlyMaster now has to punish subbysub for telling DomlyDom she's claimed when she had orders to not tell anybody.

 

[Stegral]

It is difficult for me to understand why a woman would give her love and submission to a married man. However, if she does, it is not hard to understand why she might be reluctant to tell even close friends about the arrangement..

It fails me as well...
a submissive destroyed a relationship I was in because she offered up somethng my fiancee was uncomfortable discussing with me.
She knew full well of our relationship & I am starting to believe in an MSN conversation with me her comment of "don't step on my toes" was an indication she was willing for a poly arrangement. She tried her best to keep the arrangement quiet but she needed to be displayed & showed off to the wrong people & it got back to me. I do not share well at all so I am glad now he & her are still together, with alot of quirks I know he realized about her & regretting it partially. I had not been introduced as of yet into this type of lifestyle & was a very straight "vanilla", but over time I have researched it on my own trying to understand what was so fasinating to him that made him stray.
He probably could have mastered me if he had opened me up to the possibility, unfortunately he took the easy road as one already trained & needful found him.

So she was sworn to silence due to his being engaged, luckily silence was not her strong point & even though it hurts greatly I know why he asked it & she complied.

 

[jadefirefly]

[half-off-topic]

Rebecca, that link made me giggle. I loved your approach to the whole thing.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

[half-off-topic]

Rebecca, that link made me giggle. I loved your approach to the whole thing.

Thanks Miss Jade Honey Bunch

 

[callinectes]

*dons dunce cap in sits in the corner*

I completely misread KC's OP. But my original reponse of "jackass" still applies.

I could add more, but I would simply be repeating what so many of the posters have already eloquently stated.