What do you

[Guest]

tell a 16 year old girl whose boyfriend of almost a year just told her he doesn't know if he loves her anymore? I need parental help!

 

[3113]

tell a 16 year old girl whose boyfriend of almost a year just told her he doesn't know if he loves her anymore? I need parental help!

Ouch! Besides getting out the shotgun and saying, "I'll take care of this, sweetheart!"

I suspect there's little to nothing you can say. Bake her favorite cookies, sit with her, hug her, let her pour her heart out to you if she wants. Make sure there's plenty of kleenex in her room and no sharp objects.

And when she needs it, reassure her that she's smart, and pretty and wonderful.

 

[arienette]

tell a 16 year old girl whose boyfriend of almost a year just told her he doesn't know if he loves her anymore? I need parental help!

*speaking from experience with the little sister*

Do not tell her it's going to happen a dozen more times.

 

[AchtungNight]

DO remind her she's only sixteen. She has plenty of time to find a better man.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Yeah, what 3113 said sounds pretty good.

How sad it is that young girls just will not accept the extent to which adolescent boys are driven by hormones. Most boys will say just about anything to get some, including, "I love you."

 

[Recidiva]

You hold the tissue box and hold her while she cries. You get ice cream and movies and pause for crying. You answer any questions she has honestly.

It's not so much about what you say, it's about finding things she would like to do to distract her, and help her put it in perspective, granting that she might be a wreck for a while, or might bounce back, or might appear to do both and manage neither for long.

 

[Guest]

I was thinking of raiding my bank account and getting her out of school early for a long shopping trip to the mall.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I was thinking of raiding my bank account and getting her out of school early for a long shopping trip to the mall.

Hmmm, that might not be an association you want to reinforce, "shopping" and "comfort." Just a thought.

 

[CharleyH]

tell a 16 year old girl whose boyfriend of almost a year just told her he doesn't know if he loves her anymore? I need parental help!

LOL

 

[R. Richard]

You might pick her up after school, out in front of the school. While you sit in the car for a few moments, you might have her count the number of boys leaving and the number of girls leaving. You might point out to her that the number is about even, even with the boys who stay late for the football practice. Then carefully explain that one of the other boys MIGHT just be a better boyfriend than "I don't know boy." Then continue by pointing that she should put the word out that she is through with "I don't know boy" and mine her social contacts for a new boyfriend. Given the typical teenage dynamics, the tragedy should be over in a week or two.

[Oh yeah, get the girl a copy of the Dolly Parton song, "Two Doors Down."]

 

[3113]

You might pick her up after school, out in front of the school. While you sit in the car for a few moments, you might have her count the number of boys leaving and the number of girls leaving. You might point out to her that the number is about even, even with the boys who stay late for the football practice. Then carefully explain that one of the other boys MIGHT just be a better boyfriend than "I don't know boy."

Ah, Richard. You're not a teenage girl

Telling her that there are "plenty of other fish in the sea" just won't work. To her tender ears it'll sound callous and like no one understands how special he was, or what a special relationship they had, or how painful this is.

You save that logic for when she's twenty and disgusted with the boyfriend, not when she's 16 and heartbroken.

Some truths you can tell to kids and they'll hear it. Others they have to learn for themselves by living through it and experiencing it. When another guy comes along, that's when she'll understand that there are other, better boyfriends.

 

[LadyAria]

I was thinking of raiding my bank account and getting her out of school early for a long shopping trip to the mall.

That actually sounds like a really good idea. Work at making her feel good about herself in ways unrelated to the guy topic.

It's so hard to see your children go through stuff. My heart goes out to both of you.

 

[Ravlicious]

Just remember, even though you know she'll find someone else, this is probably the most important thing to her right now. Just follow the advice others have given about being a sympathetic ear. You both'll get through it, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

You hold the tissue box and hold her while she cries. You get ice cream and movies and pause for crying. You answer any questions she has honestly.

It's not so much about what you say, it's about finding things she would like to do to distract her, and help her put it in perspective, granting that she might be a wreck for a while, or might bounce back, or might appear to do both and manage neither for long.

I wish I had you around during my breakups


One suggestion to add - It would be useful to give her the opportunity for expression in which ever way relates to her. If she paints, buy her some new brushes. If she writes, a journal. If she runs, get her new running shoes. It does not have to cost money - just something that shows her without words that you believe in her and you value what is important to her.

Edited to add: I just read the other replies in this thread. Here is another suggestion. Listen to her sincerely. Don't dismiss her feelings because of her age and because " it might happen again and again" And don't use empty words and cliche's to validate or support her if you don't mean them.

 

[privyjo]

tell a 16 year old girl whose boyfriend of almost a year just told her he doesn't know if he loves her anymore? I need parental help!

Be there, be present, totally present - set aside everything, be open to her and let her talk, speak and share honestly about your own experiences at that age as much as you can - and give her a big hug and say "I love you" after the talk. I don't have a daughter but I was one and this is what my Mom did for me and it added a whole new level of trust in my relationship with my Mom. I in turn did this with my son when he was 16 and went through his first breakup - totally wierd and awesome to have him do that but it brought us closer together.

Good luck

 

[rachlou]

Be there, be present, totally present - set aside everything, be open to her and let her talk, speak and share honestly about your own experiences at that age as much as you can - and give her a big hug and say "I love you" after the talk. I don't have a daughter but I was one and this is what my Mom did for me and it added a whole new level of trust in my relationship with my Mom. I in turn did this with my son when he was 16 and went through his first breakup - totally wierd and awesome to have him do that but it brought us closer together.

Good luck

I sure wish my mum was like that! I couldn't talk to her about anything and consequently she knew nothing that went on in my life - and still doesn;t mostly.

The best advice has already been said - be there for her and allow her to talk it over with you. Make her believe that you understand what it feels like to have somebody trample all over your heart and break it. But also make her undertsand that as bad as it feels now, it won;t always feel that bad and one day, she'll be happy with somebody else. I think its a great idea to tell her about your heartbreak experiences, it will at least take her mind of her own.

And if she's anything like my daughter, spending money on her is a sure fire way of improving mood instantly. .. lol

 

[Guest]

You hold the tissue box and hold her while she cries. You get ice cream and movies and pause for crying. You answer any questions she has honestly.

It's not so much about what you say, it's about finding things she would like to do to distract her, and help her put it in perspective, granting that she might be a wreck for a while, or might bounce back, or might appear to do both and manage neither for long.

this is exactly what i have done...while it doesn't hold the secret key to life, it sure does say 'im here for you.'

 

[Guest]

Thank you for all the wonderful advice. My sister was okay when she went to bed last night but this morning she's a wreck again. He picks her up fo school everyday and she has to see him this morning, so she's nervous. They haven't broken up yet. He's in football, and has a lot of homework this year plus he has a very demanding father who loves to give him hell. And a girlfriend on top of all that has to be a lot of pressure on a 16 year old kid.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just a funk and he'll get over it and be happy again with her. If not, then I'm hoping it ends quickly. Dragging this shit on just means watching her heart break over and over.

And then I need to go get a shovel so I can bury him for hurting my baby sister.

 

[TheEarl]

Best advice is not to try and fix her. It's gonna hurt, like hell. She's gonna cry and she will feel like the world's gonna end. You can offer comfort, hugs, ice cream and words and they will help, but effectively, there's nothing you can do. As 3113 said, helpful and logical won't help. It's just something to be worked through.

My thoughts are with her.

The Earl

 

[scheherazade_79]

Tell her that you're secretly relieved, because all the time she was going out with him, you knew she deserved and was capable of getting someone much better.

Use it as an excuse for the pair of you to live things up a little - go to a fancy restaurant, buy lots of nice food, go on a few outings to interesting places, buy her some new clothes, book her in at the hairdressers and give her a beer.

 

[Guest]

Tell her that you're secretly relieved, because all the time she was going out with him, you knew she deserved and was capable of getting someone much better.

Use it as an excuse for the pair of you to live things up a little - go to a fancy restaurant, buy lots of nice food, go on a few outings to interesting places, buy her some new clothes, book her in at the hairdressers and give her a beer.

[threadjack]
commere little girl. would you like some candy?
[/threadjack]

 

[Honey123]

She'll cry...you'll cry and stay up all night thinking about what to say tomorrow...she'll laugh, you'll laugh and wonder whether or not she's just being brave...you'll tell her he was no good for her anyway, she agree...she'll eat ice cream and not gain an ounce...you'll eat ice cream and gain 4 lbs...She'll tell you she loves you with all her heart...but since you can't fit into those really cool jeans (because of the ice cream gain) ...can she have them??

Seriously, being supportive and loving and just listen, works wonders. Good luck to you..

Oh...and about those jeans? What size are they????

 

[scheherazade_79]

[threadjack]
commere little girl. would you like some candy?
[/threadjack]

I'll eat anything at the moment

[End of threadjack]

 

[Elsie Grey]

DO remind her she's only sixteen. She has plenty of time to find a better man.

I wouldn't say that... Most sixteen year olds I know can't possibly imagine being older and being told your ONLY sixteen is a sure fire way to get yourself screamed at and have her shut you out (been there, done that...)

Listen, give her love and don't say much at all just be handy with tissues and comfort items!

Elsie

xxx

 

[rawr_rae]

Okay, so I'm not too far off from 16, and I was also dumped at around that age by my ahem, supposed love. I think the best thing my family did was just comforted me and told me I was beautiful, gave me lots of ice cream and sweets, and just let me cry it all out. I wrote in my handy little diary and ripped up pictures of my ex with my best friend at the time, until quite magically, I was fine!

It was my first break-up, and I won't ever forget my mom's love and support. She wasn't pushy about anything, just let me handle it and get back to my normal self. It was tough, and extremely overdramatic, but it ended over time.

I don't know if this helped, but I hope it did.

-Rae