What do you think?

[curious2c]

New to this, and a little fearful of what I am going to find out about my writing! I am interested in some technical aspects, especially quotation marks! I have had two feedbacks on this particular subject, and since 'anomynous' thinks I am a total moron, then I need to know if I am not following proper english! (They read to me like they were very upset with my use of the printed english!) It has been a very long time since I had topay attention to any 'rules' in writing, I have been writing what I thought. I guess I should review my 'rules' and then go on about my writing! here is my story (It is chapter seven, so obviously 'they' haven't gotten to me too much!) I am in the process of reading some other stories at this time and will do my humble best to respond to them! curious2c http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51160

 

[Axeltheswede]

First impression

I think you are getting some good advice, although probably not in a very nice way.

First, lose the exclamation points. I mean, cover over the key with something immovable, sharp, or even poisonous. Swear an oath, you promise not to use one for the rest of the year.

Running dialogue in the midst of description is a cruel thing to do to your readers. New speaker, new paragraph. That is a good rule. It allows the readers eye to make the transition to a new speaker.

You may have a good story. Turn it into a more reader friendly form and find out.

Good luck.

 

[NoJo]

Wow. I have to tell you it’s hard to understand your writing. And I thought my stuff was confusing!


Now I had a new cock that looked nothing like what I had grown up with! I was discouraged for a while after the operation; I would never have done anything like this on my own! I had grown up with it and was happy with the way it had been! Now, well, it was beginning to feel 'right'. Mary had been pushing me for sex on a daily basis, several times a day! I had to pretend that I was starting to 'love' her, and when Joan brought Julie over one day I had to ignore the one true love of my life! It was the hardest thing I had ever done! When Julie had put her arms around me giving me a hug and tried to kiss me I had to pretend that I didn't want her! It tore me up inside to see the haunted look that Julie gave me! She started to cry and went out to Joan's car. I had crushed her!

Here’s my (British English) version of your (too long) opening paragraph:
I have changed quite a lot, sometimes to show how your stuiff might easily be misread. I’ve probably changed the meaning a little, but quite honestly the meaning of the first paragraph is not that clear.
You give us Mary, Joan and Juile without proper introduction to their characters.
You sort of repeat yourself.
The best thing is the first, short sentence, which I think is a great opener. I gave it a whole paragraph.


Now I had a new cock.

For a while after the operation I felt disheartened: I would never have done anything like voluntarily; I had grown up with my old cock and had become quite attached to it.

But now it was beginning to feel 'right'.

You want to know why I got a new cock? Well, it was because of Mary. She had been pushing me on a daily basis, to have sex several times a day.

I had to pretend that I was beginning to love Mary.

It was the hardest thing I had ever done, especially when my friend Joan brought Julie over one day.

Julie was the one true love of my life. And when she had had put her arms around me and tried to kiss me I had to pretend that I didn't want her.

It tore me up inside to see the haunted look that she gave me.
She started to cry and went out to Joan's car.

I had crushed her!

 

[curious2c]

Sub Joe

I think that I may have misled you a little bit. My writing 'style' has relied on the reader reading the whole story from the first part, which was six chapters ago! I appologize for this! I guess that I should maybe be writing as if each is a stand alone story, but my 'flow' gets in my head, and I soon find that I begin to repeat everthing too much. Julie, Joan, Mary and the others were introduced earlier in the series, and I shoud have mentioned that particular fact in my origional post above. The real problem I have had is in feedback from (maybe only the one person, but I'm not sure) certain people, who like being unknown. They had a whole two paragraphs about my use of quotations, and how they had learned it all in grade school! I have been out of school for several decades, and my jobs in the ensuing time, well, welders/mechanics don't need to use proper english too much of the time, and writing? I think you catch my drift. I did find however that your interpetation, while not what I had in mind as I wrote, gave thought to me as to how the storyline could have gone! Thank you for taking the time and effort to critique my work, i do appreciate it!

 

[curious2c]

Axel, May I call you that?

WOW. exclamation points, I missed how much I was using them until you mentioned that. I have over done them a bit. I will try to hold them down to a bare minimum from now on. As for the running dialogue in the midst of a description, I had problems with that, and I will admit that I got 'lazy'. I wanted to get the story down and in my editing, well, I tend to look for the major mistakes. I hope that my readers didn't suffer too much, and I will try to improve on that particular problem in the future also.
Since I have already posted this, and the next chapter, (and a couple of other stories, I will have to practice this on my next story, sorry!)
I do thank you for the feedback, I have gone back through my earlier chapters, and some of these things that you and Sub Joe have mentioned are glaring at me. I printed them out and discovered that being in print changes everthing also.
A big thanks to you for the effort and time involved! (sorry Axel)

 

[Axeltheswede]

Gracious response

I understand what you are saying about getting a story down. Just take the next steps - rewrite and edit. Print it out and put your second draft into your computer. Observe the conventions of dialogue. It is not very complicated when you break it down.

Exclamation points distort your meaning. If you read a story out loud, your voice drops at the end of a sentence. When you see an exclamation point, your voice rises to convey surprise.

You have a story to tell. Your readers want to enjoy it. Put as few obstacles in the middle as possible.

 

[Guest]

I stopped reading the Ch7 after reading half of page one. It wasn't because of numerous exclamation marks, nor was it because of confusing dialogues. It was because I wanted to read the story from the beginning.

The narrator's voice was engaging. The characters came through. I might or might not make any comment after reading all the chapters, but let me say this: I like what you write(so far).

 

[NoJo]

Chapter 7

Sorry, Curious -- You did say that it was chapter 7, so you're right, the characters wer (presumably) introduces in ealier chapters.
But I don't think you should disregard the comments I and others have made about long paragraphs, and too many exclamation points.
Also "on a daily basis" is a long phrase, and it stands out a bit if you repeat it. Try to keep usages of a phrase a long was apart in the story.

Joe

 

[curious2c]

Sub Joe

I haven't disregarded any comments from you or Axel. Ihave taken them to heart, and even went back trought my earlier works and could see what you both were saying. I have stopped writing my current story in order to go back and correct some glaring errors with this commentary in mind. I appreciate that you have noticed them and let me know about them.

ChilledVodka;
thank you for your kind comments. I hope that you enjoy the 'whole' book. I never intended for Julie's New Job to be a novel, it just sort of happened.

Thinking about that, perhaps part of my problem is that i am letting the characters do too much of my writing. Something for me to think further on.