What do you think?

[FurLove]

I've had this story up for some time and I have edited it. I did see a few errors though not great.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=220997

Just wondering what you folks think about it and why it hasn't gotten a better rating or more comments?


FurLove

 

[The_Fractal_King]

There is lack of consitency in tense. Generally it is best to write in past tense only and constantly changing tense is very jarring.

King Galdon makes Red Celia a "Defender of the Realm". The greatest title one could achieve. She is also given permanent residence in the Castle and a place at the side of the King.

Celia was honored and proud of her accomplishments as anyone would be. As any woman of the time, however, she was suspicious, wary and always alert, still with sword at hand. Red Celia was also nobody's fool.

She had been given fine quarters fit for a Warrior and a bed heaped with furs, fur robes and wraps for her position in the King's Court. She was dressed as a Warrior not as Maid-at-Court. Celia was temporarily lulled into a state of false security.

Celia is called Red for obvious reasons. The fact of her being a Warrior in no way implies she is like the male Warriors. Red Celia puts all the Maids-at-Court to shame with her stunning beauty. Her long flowing bright red hair is magnificent and often a distraction to those that fell victim to her sword. She wields and swings it like a sword.

In four paragraphs you jump between past and present about three times.


Not as a criticsm -- just an answer to why it got few comments -- fetish stories appeal to a limited audience by their very nature.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

The story is written like the narration of Conan the Barbarian. Where's the character development?

 

[ellynei]

As a nonconsent/reluctance enthusiast gotta say I really like this story.

However! The tense issues really distract immensely from reading pleasure, I was close to giving up on it several places along the way because of it.

At the beginning of the story the narrator clearly states that this story takes place in the past, so there is no artistic excuse to hang on to present tense at the places you do. Fix those tenses, PLEASE! Your story deserves it.

If you do decide to fix the tenses I volunteer to beta-read your self-edits on it. I ain't pro, but at least I would be a second pair of eyes (at least I could point out in the manner: 'I think you missed a spot', ya know; nothing fancy).

In my opinion an unprofessional beta-reader is better than no beta-reader at all


oh btw

"In his grief he decreed that virgins would tend to his fathers grave for a year."

Next line, where the last living virgin guardian is introduced, would have a deeper impact if you did something of the sort:

"In his grief he decreed that (a more or less specified amount of) virgins would (guard/surveil/mourn at- something implying they dont just pop in for gardening? rather than 'tend to' ) his fathers grave for a year."

I think you intended a meaning like this? (at least that's the interpretation I chose to read on with.)


I have seen and liked - Conan the barbarian - starring a Certain Celebrety Governor. I like your imitation of that narrator style.

Now as for all the fur, since there is so much fur against naked skin, and you got furry in the title it is obvious that fur is an integral part of this story. But you don't do justice to the fur!!

Not every reader has a lot of experience with fur on skin, I don't either personally but! I missed a few mentions of the:

"unbelievable softness of the summer fur from mink"

"unearthly tickle of the fur from a young rabbit."

"the coarse long hair from an old wolf's winter fur, sticking to a sweaty thigh."

Not as excessively as this of course, shouldn't mess up the style of the story. Just wanted to point out, that if there is going to BE this much fur, you should bloody well let the reader FEEL the fur

"Celia sends Galdon over the top. While fur fondling his now enormous cock"

honey, you wrote a tale of two courageous, brave, primitive, sword fighters, don't suddenly resort to a modern fetish term like "fur fondling"! please! You really pulled me out of the reading there. Rephrase please, I beg you.


Now the reason I complain so severely, is because I enjoyed reading the story, so everything that detracted from it REALLY bugged me.

Btw one other place you might wanna consider rephrasing:

"When she rose up off him his cock was a soft pile of meat like a boneless butt drenched in their juices as if in a marinate. "

I think you mean bud not butt. It's a very descriptive picture btw (when replacing butt with bud) but I'm not sure that it gives proper justice to the oiled, deflated cock of a mighty king, who has just found himself bested by an impressive swordswoman.

Right I'm a nut case, but I hope this feedback will be of use to you.


(Don't forget though, the one truly BIG problem, only BIG problem with this story is the constant switch between past and present tense. Of course the conan-style might scare some off too, I wouldn't know, I just know I like it.)

Keep writing please!


(I hope I get time to read some of your other stories later, wow, that's a lot of red 'H' btw, nicely done^^, must feel weird to be addressed so beratingly by a zero 'H' newbie. Regarding that; before pulling out the wooden block and the henchman's axe on me, please remember; you asked - I tried to comply.)

 

[FurLove]

Elly nei;

Thank you for your informed criticism.

I'll be revising the story over the next few weeks and posing an up datd edition.

Thank you again.

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