This is my first story. It is cuckold centric so if your not into that you wont like it. Please give me feedback. I have four more chapters written and would love to continue. https://www.literotica.com/s/couples-camp
What do you think.
- Thread starter carnee
- Start date
JackBellend41
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2020
- Posts
- 125
Hi Carnee,
I think it's an interesting story and I'd be interested in seeing what happens next. I just posted my first story to Literotica too, so I'm not going to say I'm any kind of an expert. In fact, many of the comments that I received were based on dialog and so I did a little research on fixing them. I saw in some of the same missteps I took in your writing, as well.
Here is a link to a great article I found on writing dialogue, and I think if you read it and apply it to your story, you will see some simple things you can fix.
How to write dialogue
I'll point out a few that kind of lessened the story for me.
1. Small talk isn't needed. For example, the whole first texting conversation of 11 lines of Hey's and Hi's could have been cut down to something like:
Her phone buzzed. It was a text from Brad, her boyfriend. "Hey, I don't have to work this weekend! Let's get out of the city and go someplace romantic."
"OMG, that sounds amazing!" she responded. "I'll find some places and we can talk about it when you get home. Love U!"
2. Try reading your story out loud. You will find things that sound funny. Not haha funny, but weird funny. One example from when she was searching for a place "Unfortunately this too was booked up. Unfortunately everything she was finding was booked up ..."
3. When Brad was thinking and questioning, it was hard to figure out if he was thinking those questions to himself or if it was rhetorical questions to the reader. Sometimes there were dialogue tags, sometimes not. Find a way to make sure the reader knows if it is Brad's thoughts or not.
Good luck and I hope to see your next chapters.
Jack
I think it's an interesting story and I'd be interested in seeing what happens next. I just posted my first story to Literotica too, so I'm not going to say I'm any kind of an expert. In fact, many of the comments that I received were based on dialog and so I did a little research on fixing them. I saw in some of the same missteps I took in your writing, as well.
Here is a link to a great article I found on writing dialogue, and I think if you read it and apply it to your story, you will see some simple things you can fix.
How to write dialogue
I'll point out a few that kind of lessened the story for me.
1. Small talk isn't needed. For example, the whole first texting conversation of 11 lines of Hey's and Hi's could have been cut down to something like:
Her phone buzzed. It was a text from Brad, her boyfriend. "Hey, I don't have to work this weekend! Let's get out of the city and go someplace romantic."
"OMG, that sounds amazing!" she responded. "I'll find some places and we can talk about it when you get home. Love U!"
2. Try reading your story out loud. You will find things that sound funny. Not haha funny, but weird funny. One example from when she was searching for a place "Unfortunately this too was booked up. Unfortunately everything she was finding was booked up ..."
3. When Brad was thinking and questioning, it was hard to figure out if he was thinking those questions to himself or if it was rhetorical questions to the reader. Sometimes there were dialogue tags, sometimes not. Find a way to make sure the reader knows if it is Brad's thoughts or not.
Good luck and I hope to see your next chapters.
Jack
