What do you guys think, Need Advice

[WyldSpirit]

I actually am currently having a bit of a dilemna right now. In case you all haven't read my limited other posts and picked some of this up from that, I'll give you a limited background (I'll apologize now, I KNOW this post is going to end up long. I'm a 27 year old bi female. I've known for as long as I can remember who/what I was. I'm pretty much out to everyone other than work (one friend there knows) and my family. (My family, Mormon, extremely religious, redneck from hell, and work, well, it's just nobody's business there)

Anyway, my current relationship is with a man and I do have to say that I have dated more men, but that is probably because it is easier to find men than women. We did meet online and he's known since before we met in person that I am bi and a bit of a fetishist as well (I have lots of kinks, most of which he's had NO problem helping me indulge/letting me introduce him to). We didn't talk all that long online before meeting in person, only a few days, but that is kind of beside the point, just illustrating that he did have some idea of what he was getting himself into when we met. We have been living together just shy of four months now, dating for right about 6 months (I know, I know, very very fast.)

When we were first dating and after we first moved in together he had no problem with me continuing to see my casual girlfriend that I had at the time that we met (I was upfront with him about the situation, basically asked permission for it to continue, right away). It was basically a friend's with benefits situation. She has a very long term boyfriend (I think they've been together about 6 years) and I would hang out with the two of them and usually her and I would have sex. I was only going over there about once a month and the only time there was ever a threesome was before I met my boyfriend. It never seemed to bother him. They moved, end of that part of the story.

He has a few times brought up the possibility of us having a threesome with ??? possibly asking to borrow my girlfriend for the evening (would never happen due to the b/f) or finding another interested party, but it isn't something that we've really discussed at length. Partly because I don't feel that we are anywhere near the stage in our relationship that we would have to be to survive a threesome. I know myself and know that it has to be one of a few situations. I have to be the outside party; No one involved is actively in a relationship with anyone else there (no romantic attachment); or, I have to be 100% completely secure in my relationship and know that there would be absolutely no threat. At 6 months in, I know I'm not in that place.

Anyway, now that I've rambled, the point to posting today was, I asked him today, due to the fact that my gf has moved away would he be ok with it if I looked for a girl for me to play with on occasion? He flipped. I'm guessing that his original opinion was that since it was something that was in place when we met he wasn't going to mess with the status quo, I don't know. That's the only reason at all that I can see that it was ok before but so completely not ok now. And, of course, the entire subject has become completely closed to discussion.

I really don't want to lose this one, I'm quite madly in love with him, but, I'm not going to close down the bi-sexual side of myself either. This may just mean that I have to indulge it through fantasy and all the imaginative means that I used to use before I actually used before I actually started sleeping with women, I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what advice you guys can really give me. I guess I just needed the space to rant, but your thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks for listening

 

[Equinoxe]

I don't know what all I can offer you, but I will do my best.

You are a bisexual woman and you are in a long term relationship with a man. At the start of this relationship, you had a casual sexual relationship with another woman, which he allowed to continue. During the course of your relationship he has brought up the possibility of a threesome, you don't feel the relationship could stand it. Recently your casual relationship with the other woman ended, but you wouldn't mind beginning another, but he forbids it. Am I so far correct?

I would then ask you, why do you feel that your relationship can stand your having a casual relationship with another woman, but not a shared casual experience with one?

We'll go from there, I just want to start somewhere.

 

[Queersetti]

And I thought being gay was hard.

 

[WyldSpirit]

I don't know what all I can offer you, but I will do my best.

You are a bisexual woman and you are in a long term relationship with a man. At the start of this relationship, you had a casual sexual relationship with another woman, which he allowed to continue. During the course of your relationship he has brought up the possibility of a threesome, you don't feel the relationship could stand it. Recently your casual relationship with the other woman ended, but you wouldn't mind beginning another, but he forbids it. Am I so far correct?

I would then ask you, why do you feel that your relationship can stand your having a casual relationship with another woman, but not a shared casual experience with one?

We'll go from there, I just want to start somewhere.

Yes, you summed it up correctly. The reasoning for no threesome is entirely me. Having had the opportunity to be the outside "third" of a threesome more than few times I've seen it cause problems, usually in the "newer" ones. It's basically a security issue. I know that at least at this stage in our relationship I would question his motivation. Was she better than me? Do I not satisfy him? blah blah blah. Since the relationship is still so new I haven't had the time to become completely secure with it and I have always had some confidence issuse so I'm not willing to intentionally introduce that kind of self-questioning right now.

With the possibility of me finding another casual girlfriend, I'm more just confused at the sudden and complete 180 in his attitude about it. As I said in the original post, it never seemed to bother him before, and we did talk about it several times. He appreciated pictures that her boyfriend took and even requested more.

Hope this helps clarify.

Thanks

 

[Equinoxe]

Yes, you summed it up correctly. The reasoning for no threesome is entirely me. Having had the opportunity to be the outside "third" of a threesome more than few times I've seen it cause problems, usually in the "newer" ones. It's basically a security issue. I know that at least at this stage in our relationship I would question his motivation. Was she better than me? Do I not satisfy him? blah blah blah. Since the relationship is still so new I haven't had the time to become completely secure with it and I have always had some confidence issuse so I'm not willing to intentionally introduce that kind of self-questioning right now.

With the possibility of me finding another casual girlfriend, I'm more just confused at the sudden and complete 180 in his attitude about it. As I said in the original post, it never seemed to bother him before, and we did talk about it several times. He appreciated pictures that her boyfriend took and even requested more.

Hope this helps clarify.

Thanks

I understand why you object to having a threesome. You do not feel comfortable sharing him at the present time. I'm asking why you feel it's all right to share yourself with someone outside of this relationship, but the reverse is not true. Is it because when you are with another woman it's inherently different than if he were? I'm not judging, just enquiring.

I think there is something to this and I'd like to get passed it before moving on to the later part.

 

[Raimondin]

And I thought being gay was hard.

I second that!

 

[Soulfiregirl]

You know Wylde, my ex boyfriend was a little like that. He was ok with me liking ladies when we first started dating (and I was very open with him in the beginning as well) but after time, he wanted me to be exclusive to him. Which honestly, I didn't mind too much at the time because I loved him but after a while I realised that I didn't want to supress my attraction to women forever. He was very straight by the way. I even told him I'd be ok with us having an open relationship. He could have a mistress as long as I could have one. It seemed only fair you know? lol. But, alas, he didn't like that idea.

Your boyfriend may have been ok with it at first but if his feelings have become stronger for you, now it's a problem because he wants you to be "his" and "his" alone. It's a shame he's stopped talking to you about it. This is a part of you and you need to figure things out, but if he's closing off this topic then that won't help you. (he sounds a bit controlling to me...but I could be wrong)

Would you be ok with him dating someone else on the side? (I wish you the best of luck...truely, relationships are hard)

*supportive hug*

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

on the surface it does look confusing. As I thik about it and placing myself in his position I can kind of see the point of view (not agree with it but can see it)

He is feeling the same insecurites that you are feeling about the threesome issue. Before you had the girlfriend prior to his coming into the picture. Now that she is gone you want to go on active looking for another partner. This has him wondering if there is something he is not fullfilling. Also he could be getting into that territorial mode as well.

Lastly he may be doing the "Fine if she won't have a threesome with me I am going to be petty and say no girlfriend for her"

Just some thoughts, sorry not much help.

 

[sexy-girl]

from his point of view i can actually understand how he feels ... if i had a bi girlfriend i would want her to be monogamous with me ... however you did make it clear from the start that you had a girlfriend ... but did you make it clear that you would want to seek other girlfriends if that relationship ended?

i guess i also find it a little strange your reasons for not wanting the 3some

Was she better than me? Do I not satisfy him? blah blah blah. Since the relationship is still so new I haven't had the time to become completely secure with it and I have always had some confidence issuse so I'm not willing to intentionally introduce that kind of self-questioning right now.

as maybe that is how he is feeling about you seeking a new girlfriend?

i'm not suggesting you should go ahead with the 3some at all but i just sort of saw your reasons for not wanting one as similar to how he maybe is feeling

I'm not going to close down the bi-sexual side of myself either. This may just mean that I have to indulge it through fantasy and all the imaginative means that I used to use before I actually used before I actually started sleeping with women, I don't know. I don't know what to do.

i don't think you would have to shut your bisexual side down just if you were with one person ... you would still be bi and attracted to women you just would be with one person

maybe you should look at the issues separately ... i'm not sure the main issue is can you be with just a man and not women ... but can you be with just one person? ... if you love him maybe it's something you should try if you feel you could be with just one person

 

[WyldSpirit]

I understand why you object to having a threesome. You do not feel comfortable sharing him at the present time. I'm asking why you feel it's all right to share yourself with someone outside of this relationship, but the reverse is not true. Is it because when you are with another woman it's inherently different than if he were? I'm not judging, just enquiring.

I think there is something to this and I'd like to get passed it before moving on to the later part.

I'm not sure that it's right or that it's not. I know that I'm trying not to get defensive, because, unfortunately it's an emotional reaction, and I do tend to get defensive about it, especially on this particular issue. I do know that I would not go behind his back and do it, nor would I do so with his knowledge but without his blessing.

So, yes, I guess it is because it is that it is that it IS inherently different. My thoughts on the issue have always been that were my partner also bi that I would have no problem with them pursuing casual encounters with the same sex (I have actually had boyfriends who were bi before, obviously it didn't work on the long-term, but, I'm still relatively young, at the time I wasn't looking for long term) and it was not ok on either part during those relationships for either party to play with anyone of the opposite sex except for us. (There were exceptions made, things were "interesting" lol) So, yeah, if he had any interest in men, go for it. But, other than that, I've got the parts and more than enough sex drive for anything else that he would want to do.

Your boyfriend may have been ok with it at first but if his feelings have become stronger for you, now it's a problem because he wants you to be "his" and "his" alone. It's a shame he's stopped talking to you about it. This is a part of you and you need to figure things out, but if he's closing off this topic then that won't help you. (he sounds a bit controlling to me...but I could be wrong)

I think that you may be right on the first part, and, yes, he is maybe a little controlling too although not terribly so. Like I said originally, I think also, he may have been concerned about upsetting the "status quo"

If he hadn't just forbidden it and then closed the subject to discussion, I don't think I would be so bothered by it. There was absolutely no discussion as to any reasoning behind it, nothing. Just, no, period, end of discussion.

on the surface it does look confusing. As I thik about it and placing myself in his position I can kind of see the point of view (not agree with it but can see it)

He is feeling the same insecurites that you are feeling about the threesome issue. Before you had the girlfriend prior to his coming into the picture. Now that she is gone you want to go on active looking for another partner. This has him wondering if there is something he is not fullfilling. Also he could be getting into that territorial mode as well.

I agree that I can (obviously) totally understand the insecurities, just not the total unwillingness (or inability?) to discuss it. Maybe this is part of the gap in the male/female issue? I'm not sure. Way too many times for me to count I've been accused of being too much of a guy, but when it comes to certain areas of relationships, it's pretty obvious that I'm still a girl at heart. It doesn't help matters any that I'm as bull headed as they come and don't ever want to let anything go. The why for this change of heart is going to eat at me.

maybe you should look at the issues separately ... i'm not sure the main issue is can you be with just a man and not women ... but can you be with just one person? ... if you love him maybe it's something you should try if you feel you could be with just one person

Thank you sexy-girl, that really is a big part of the question here, isn't it? Can I be in a monogamous relationship? (Hell, can I even spell monogamous correctly) If you asked my ex-husband, he would have laughed, but that was a long time ago (and I don't think ex-husbands usually make very good character references)

Seriously though, I have been semi-successful at it before. (I say semi-successful in that, while I didn't cheat, or have any partners outside of the relationship, I'm no longer in the relationship) I can't really say whether or not the monogamy of the relationship had anything to do with the ultimate failure. (I've had more than one that was strictly monogamous, but, only one that was that lasted long enough to bother talking about) BTW, that one was 3 1/2 years, and our breakup had little to nothing to do with my being bi than to do with a general malaise that had been allowed to fall over the relationship over the years.

So, I guess the next question is, am I willing to give complete and total monogamy a try with this one? I guess I already answered myself in my very first post when I said "I really don't want to lose this one, I'm quite madly in love with him" If it takes monogamy, then that's what it takes.

Thanks for your support guys,
You're continued thoughts and opinions are appreciated

 

[Equinoxe]

Well for what it's worth, I think you know what it is you want and have to do. You want the relationship to continue and know that it means you must remain faithful to him, on his terms. You are still bisexual, just not entirely practicing, shall we say?

I think you just needed a little room to vent and sort out your thoughts on the matter, I hope we here have been helpful.

I wish you good luck in whatever course you take.

 

[Etoile]

Personally, I suspect he is simply jealous of that potential other woman. Most guys would love to have two women at the same time, but if you go off with another woman alone then you're denying him that opportunity. Therefore, he doesn't want you going off with somebody else to fuck her alone instead of with him.

Just my two cents.

 

[Netzach]

What Etoile said.

Only you know if this is acceptable as a way to lead the rest of your life unless he changes his mind.

For me, it would never work, no matter how badly I wanted it to.

 

[tomboy58]

I agree.. with

Etoile and Equinoxe very much. I understand that you know that there is no 'real' threat but any new entry into a relationship can be threatening to the other partner.
He probably wasnt threatened by your other relationship because it was Pre-existing And she already had the long term boyfriend in place.

But in the process of finding a new partner that person may or may not be involved in their own serious other relationship.

So just try to think about it from the the point that the unknow can be scary, obviously he is scared of losing you.

Developing relationships can be scary and hard on serious love relationships- even when the developing relationship is just friendship, or just sex. When it involves time, loyalty etc... it can cause fear of loss of a hold on something (even if just perceived) from the other partner,

I know this isnt an easy question for you - but I hope all the advice provides some insight to his fears.

Good Luck.

 

[WyldSpirit]

The venting and ranting has been helpful, if for no other reason than to get it off my chest since the topic is closed to discussion at home. It allows me to have a sounding board other than just thinking and forces me to put it into (somewhat) coherent terms to allow me to work through it. I also very firmly believe that outside opinions are always useful, even if it's something that has to be ultimately decided on your own. Thank you so much for listening and helping me work through this. I'll keep you guys posted if there are any interesting "developments" lol.

 

[Equinoxe]

The venting and ranting has been helpful, if for no other reason than to get it off my chest since the topic is closed to discussion at home. It allows me to have a sounding board other than just thinking and forces me to put it into (somewhat) coherent terms to allow me to work through it. I also very firmly believe that outside opinions are always useful, even if it's something that has to be ultimately decided on your own. Thank you so much for listening and helping me work through this. I'll keep you guys posted if there are any interesting "developments" lol.

For my part, you are welcome for however my advice may have helped you and welcome to enquire further. I imagine everyone here will be more than willing to lend their ear and give an opinion.

 

[april-wine]

Actually I thnk what sexy-girl said is probably closest to the problem....He knew you were already in a relationship with a woman, but was ok with that....He probably wasn't prepared for you to be a seeking a new one, after that one broke up....

 

[WyldSpirit]

Yes, probably, and we never did discuss beforehand the possibilities and "what-if" scenario. I guess I was in denial about that. I didn't want to think about the idea of losing Becky any more than I want to think about the idea of losing Fred. If we had talked about it I could have told him right away that I would want to find another woman, but I guess that's my own fault for not having that discussion beforehand.

Anyway, I do have an update, I was explaining being mildly upset about something to him last night to him and told him that part of it was that I was really starting to miss having a girl in my life. While I understood and wasn't going to do anything that he isn't ok with, he did need to be sensitive to that. He suddenly says "If you want to find a girlfriend it's ok with me, I don't mind" Ummmm, excuse me, what??? Just a week ago, it was absolutely, unequivocally, without a doubt, no. Subject closed, don't bring it up again.

It's possible that he's taken this week to give it some thought. Unfortunately last night when this all happened it was very late and I was so tired I was falling asleep sitting up, so it was definately not the time to have a discussion. I just know now I'm really confused!

I do know I'm not doing a damn thing until I find out if he's really ok with it and this wasn't just some middle of the night "I'm tired, maybe if I tell her what she wants to hear she'll shut up" thing. I'd hate to pursue finding a girl and then have him change his mind again and decide that he does in fact feel that it is cheating. I don't want to do anything to endanger this relationship, so therefore, I don't want to do anything that he's not ok with.

Hope everyone had a great weekend,
Thanks for listening

 

[Soulfiregirl]

Vent all ya want. We'll be here. Update us again soon!

 

[John Doe]

What Etoile said.

Only you know if this is acceptable as a way to lead the rest of your life unless he changes his mind.

For me, it would never work, no matter how badly I wanted it to.

Wow, you two think the world of men, don't you? at least you're giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Meat Whistler]

Wow, you two think the world of men, don't you? at least you're giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Actually, I think that Netzach and Etoile were accurate with their assessment. I was in a similar situation to WyldSpirit and ultimately, the relationship ended because my partner felt insecure with my interest in women. I don't think it has anything to do with their thoughts on men, but rather, their experiences.

WyldSpirit, I definitely think it's good that he's becoming more open to the situation you want. I would suggest that you allow him a little bit of time to become (more) okay with it and above all, be completely honest.

 

[John Doe]

Actually, I think that Netzach and Etoile were accurate with their assessment. I was in a similar situation to WyldSpirit and ultimately, the relationship ended because my partner felt insecure with my interest in women. I don't think it has anything to do with their thoughts on men, but rather, their experiences.

It may be based on experiences, but that doesn't make it any less sexist.

It's a generalization that is not accurate, and certainly by no means is it universally so.

 

[Meat Whistler]

It may be based on experiences, but that doesn't make it any less sexist.

It's a generalization that is not accurate, and certainly by no means is it universally so.

I'm not going to continue to argue the point; however, you seem to have a chip on your shoulder.

Regardless, they were providing advice to the person based on the what the thread starter said about her boyfriend, not every boyfriend/man. Given that, it's hardly what one would consider a generalization.

 

[John Doe]

I'm not going to continue to argue the point; however, you seem to have a chip on your shoulder.

I'm the one with a chip on my shoulder when I disagree with generalization based on gender? How does that work?

I am open to the possibility that my point of view or experience talking to and observing other men may be atypical (I seem to befriend atypical people anyway), however I still like to think that most men aren't necessarily shallow pigs destructively obsessed with lesbian sex.

Regardless, they were providing advice to the person based on the what the thread starter said about her boyfriend, not every boyfriend/man. Given that, it's hardly what one would consider a generalization.

Etoile said most men were the way she described. Netzach agreed with her.

In any case, even if they're commenting specifically based on what the thread starter has said, I do not see how jealousy over being left out necessarily comes into it. I might be upset for the simple reason she wants to have sex with someone else, regardless of that other person's possible sex.

 

[deezire1900]

I read and I read and what stood out at me the most is this...

the topic is closed to discussion at home.

Scary to me...I just think if you are with someone and they act like the above, it isn't worth it. Two adults should be able to discuss a matter until it is resolved.

Sorry...not actually advice, but take a hard look at this "young" relationship, because you will 20 years from now, and then it maybe to late.

oh and I 2nd Q's remark...