SassyKat69
Virgin
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- May 10, 2003
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Thanks! 
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What do you guys think about this? honestly
- Thread starter SassyKat69
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A7inchPhildo
imaginary friend
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- Sep 27, 2003
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SassyKat69 said:I came on here about an year ago about writing a story for boyfriend... well I just started one and boyfriend is going to add onto it but I think it sounds SoO corny. Keep in mind this is my FIRST, I don't know how to write a story. never took the time to do so. thought I would post it on here and see if anyone think I shouldn't email it to him for him to put what he wants... it is a fantasy of mine.. I didn't put it in totally detail but should I? Please be honest because I don't want to send it to him if it sounds soo corny.
First off this is story ideas! Not that this does not border on that. it is just very very close to being a post of read my mini story please!
It is not corny, well not from some of the stuff I have read. It is very short and lacking in several areas, detail is the major place.
The idea of the office romance sex is an abundant story idea. You may wish to check out some of the other posted stories to get some thoughts.
A7inchPhildo
imaginary friend
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Ooops hit the wron button!
Search the stories for Office or office related terms.
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/story_search.php
Placing an + infront of a word means must contain a - means can't contain
Is the idea worthy of a story of course, Is it corny I don't think so!
Just the thought of both of you writing it together makes it all the more entertaining.
If you are needing more help with content please try the "Story discusion circle" "Editors forum" or more likely ask a volunteer editor for some help. This is really a forum of "Ideas" in the making not really review what I have.
There are many areas an editor can improve what you have so far. From a quick view the story will not be posted in current form. It breaks too many guidelines. I strongly suggest an editor or at least some constructive help from a knowledgeable source.
If no one else will help you send me a PM I will find the time.
That is the little PM box located under my post.
Phildo
Search the stories for Office or office related terms.
http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/story_search.php
Placing an + infront of a word means must contain a - means can't contain
Is the idea worthy of a story of course, Is it corny I don't think so!
Just the thought of both of you writing it together makes it all the more entertaining.
If you are needing more help with content please try the "Story discusion circle" "Editors forum" or more likely ask a volunteer editor for some help. This is really a forum of "Ideas" in the making not really review what I have.
There are many areas an editor can improve what you have so far. From a quick view the story will not be posted in current form. It breaks too many guidelines. I strongly suggest an editor or at least some constructive help from a knowledgeable source.
If no one else will help you send me a PM I will find the time.
That is the little PM box located under my post.
Phildo
G
Guest
Guest
The style is similar to that which I have used in the past for some stories. But I would recomend present tense for that type of story. It puts the reader into the picture better and makes them feel as though the story is for them and them alone.
Example:
You push me onto the bed and, pulling your gown up a little, you climb on top of me. You lean down, kissing me full on the lips. A long, slow, passionate kiss, your tongue darts in and out of my mouth. I tease you, pulling my tongue slowly back, making you reach. As your tongue enters my mouth I gently close my lips around it and suck it hard into my mouth. Your eyes are wide with surprise, I take advantage rolling over on top of you. Kissing you again and moving to your cheek, then to the ear, kissing, biting, licking. My hot breath almost burns your skin as I move lower, pulling the straps of the gown as I go.
Example:
You push me onto the bed and, pulling your gown up a little, you climb on top of me. You lean down, kissing me full on the lips. A long, slow, passionate kiss, your tongue darts in and out of my mouth. I tease you, pulling my tongue slowly back, making you reach. As your tongue enters my mouth I gently close my lips around it and suck it hard into my mouth. Your eyes are wide with surprise, I take advantage rolling over on top of you. Kissing you again and moving to your cheek, then to the ear, kissing, biting, licking. My hot breath almost burns your skin as I move lower, pulling the straps of the gown as I go.
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Some pure editing comments, since that seems to be what you want.SassyKat69 said:
Too long for a single paragraph.
Far too much use of ...
Inconsistent use of tenses (occasional present tense in a past tense piece).
Spelling errors (minte, spreaded).
Poor grammar ("I wasn't for sure what were and turned out a story", "kind of embarrassed cause wasn't paying much attention").
Nice start to what might well be an interesting fantasy, but very much only a start.
