What do I do?????

[Scarlet2001]

Ok I m hoping someone can help please...

Im in my early 40s and my lover is 12 years older than me, I dont know if its relevant or not but read on.

I can only climax with clitoral stimulation using a vibrator.... he helps with this by using his fingers onme and giving my great breast nipple attention. Id love to be able to orgasm from oral but I just cant Sighhhhhhh add to this that my man hasnt had sex for years and has lost the ability to gain an erection.

Ive tried believe me ...oral does nothing and I give really good oral and enjoy doing so. He will only try Viagra as a a very last resort as he is not into putting chemicals into his body..the first thing being looked at is a pump... I also think he is having the start of prostrate probs getting up in the night to have a pee a few times and occasional dribbling.

I love this man and need to work it out somehow with him..yes we talk about it etc.. I know sex isnt everything in a relationship but its important to us.

and No I dont want to dump him and his problems and look elsewhere.

 

[Weird Harold]

Im in my early 40s and my lover is 12 years older than me, I dont know if its relevant or not but read on.

I can't offer any advice on your orgasms, but your lover's age is definitely relevant.

When was the last time your lover had a complete physical? From the few symptoms you described, there are several age related conditions that could be responsible. There are also several diseases that are more common in those over fifty that could be responsible.

A complete physical would determine what the cause of his problems is without the "stigma" of going to the doctor for sexual problems. I'm near your lover's age, and can tell you he's probably very reluctant to talk about sex with his doctor, but he does need to. There are medical conditions that Viagra could make worse, so he at least needs a doctor's advice before taking it if that's what he decides to do.

 

[MunchinMark]

I agree about the medical, as even if nothing shows, at least he will feel better about it.

But also consider yourself. Have you ever orgasmed from oral sex? It could be that you don't, some women don't as a matter of course. It's harsh but plausible.

And then of course there is technique. Get your partner to stimulate you in different ways during oral sex (different actions, different sensations). It could be that he isn't doing the best one for you. So experiment.

Good luck.

 

[Easy Boy]

Hi, scarlett2001. Sorry to hear about your problems. I agree with the other guys about getting a physical. Being in his 50s shouldn't prevent him from getting an erection, but there may be a physical cause, and you need to rule it out. I'm in my 50s, and my libido is definitely weaker than it used to be. I still get hard, but not as easily as I used to. Not that that's entirely a bad thing--it's a blessing to not have spontaneous erections any more. So there could be some combination of age-related decline, and some specific physical cause.

There can also be psychological causes to impotence. I've had this. Learned to recognize it as a sign that I really shouldn't be having sex with that partner, that night. This may be at play here, too. Not in the "shouldn't" sense, necessarily. Could be a different meaning for your guy. Is your guy comfortable with you, and wanting to get sexual with you? Of course, he might be feeling a whole lot of performance anxiety by now. He may need to see a therapist to figure this out. If the physical doesn't turn anything up.

Oh, and you mentioned you can't come from oral. Have you before, with anyone else? Just wondering if maybe it's his technique. He may be teachable. Lord knows, any impotent man who wants to have sex should be motivated to cultivate his oral skills.

Good luck to you both. 50's is definitely too young to be hanging it up.

 

[Temptress_1960]

Can he find your g spot? That might help you with orgasms. For me, that causes way more orgasms over and over and over and.. well, you get the idea. It gets pretty messy, but I can keep coming for as long as he can keep rubbing and licking and sucking...
The clitoral orgasms without any g spot play are shorter, sharper, and I need a longer period to build up to and recover from.
I don't know if this is true for everyone, but it is for me.

And your partner should definitely get a physical. Sometimes it can be the simplest thing to fix, and it is a shame to waste time worrying about it.

Good luck.

 

[Scarlet2001]

Thanks for the replies so far...There is a problem however.......My man doesnt see the need to go or want to go to a conventional doctor...

He sees an iridologist and an alternative sort of Dr...

 

[Easy Boy]

Well, criminy!

Isn't he motivated to please you? Isn't this important to him? How come he won't go to someone who might be able to help him? Grrrrr....

With no erection and no motivation to do anything about it, this guy is not sounding like much of a lover. OK, I may be overstating the case, and there may be many other wonderful things about him, but something is wrong here. IMO.

 

[Scarlet2001]

YEs he is motivated he's trying alternative therapies as a first choice.......

Meantime I have to patient...LOL Im not a very patient person ...but Im trying hard to be.

 

[Bs]

yes and it sounds like he is trying hard to be hard too.

 

[Closet Desire]

It's a male thing...

...we don't go to doctors because they just might find something wrong. Deep down we're real sissies.

Seriously, a lot of good advice I think. I hope I can add something useful. First of all, if using a vibrator works and he's still having sensual contact with you by stroking your clit and nipple then it sounds erotica as hell. Instead of becoming tense about performance or a right way to do it, let go to the sensations, abandon yourself. Nothing is more erotic to me than a "selfish" woman completely carried away in ecstacy. Yes, CD-able and I often use a vibrator and not one of those "monsters" you see in magazines, but a tiny one about 3 inches long that fits her hand and goes just where she wants it. Leaves me free to roam the rest of her delicious landscape and witness the most erotic thing a man can witness...a woman in pleasure.

Perhaps, as the tension and stress subsides, your lover will find himself increasingly aroused by the experience and be able to take part again. I haven't experience this...yet...but I have heard that it's a circular evil that feeds on itself.

Hope I might have said something useful.

 

[Gingersnap]

It is not normal for a male in their fifties to be impotent. Hypertensive meds can be a problem. Diabetes can cause neuropathy and vascular problems that impair an erection. Dribbling at fifty is not normal and can be treated. To each his own but this kind of selfishness at not seeing a doctor is sad. This could be an indicator of other more serious medical problems and to not get seen is foolish.
You might try a period of abstinance to see if that helps and then try being with each other without the idea of achieveing orgasm. Just exploring each other and being affectionate. There are many books on the subject and many of the online sites have a library. Inform yourself and hopefully he will wake up and get some help too.

[Edited by Gingersnap on 01-16-2001 at 02:28 PM]

 

[Bonnie Wee Lassie]

Thanks for the replies so far...There is a problem however.......My man doesnt see the need to go or want to go to a conventional doctor...

He sees an iridologist and an alternative sort of Dr...

I don't know how he is ever going to solve this problem if he is not going to go get the proper medical attention. Does he have a problem with doctors or does he think he has a problem?

 

[Scarlet2001]

Hi again

Thought youd like an update. We met this weekend again and I feel that some progress has been made.

A couple of questions though... Can men cum without being fully erect? How does a vasectomy change cum in colour and texture? Yes he did guys I recognised the taste.

The good news though is that we talked and talked and yes he will go to a medical Dr and a sex therapist if it comes to that. And the man is great at learning to talk sexy in bed )))).

Yes this relationship means a lot to both of us

 

[Easy Boy]

Hi, Scarlet2001

Good to hear the two of you are making progress.

Yes, a man can come without being fully erect. I've had this sometimes. It was usually with the second orgasm of a session. If it wasn't very long after the first, then my erection just wasn't as strong. But with the right stimulation, I could come.

A vasectomy shouldn't have any affect on the appearence or taste of semen. Mine didn't, anyway.

And especially, congrats on your progress with talking, and the promise of more to come. So to speak.

Nice sig line, Scarlet.

 

[MunchinMark]

Good on You!

I'm glad that thing's are looking up for you. Here's to you two keeping it up.

There won't be any change in the colour or texture (well, slightly with texture, but you'll need to be really sensitive to notice) because pretty much everything that effects that is put in after the place where the cut is made.

And yes, a man can come without a full erection.

Bon chance

 

[jcgirl]

Ok I m hoping someone can help please...

Im in my early 40s and my lover is 12 years older than me, I dont know if its relevant or not but read on.

. I also think he is having the start of prostrate probs getting up in the night to have a pee a few times and occasional dribbling.

Scarlet, has he seen a doc yet? He is pretty young to be having prostate problems, and maybe there is an underlying problem that is causing all of this. Besides, having your prostate check regularly is incredibly smart to do for men. A mans prostate health is just as important as a woman going to her gyno regularly. Have him go have that check and maybe sort of kill 2 birds with one stone?

 

[Gingersnap]

Hey Scarlet I am so happy to hear he will be seeing a doctor. It really is great when the one you love takes care of themselves. Sounds like you have a very committed man and I hope all continues to go well for the both of you.

 

[Scarlet2001]

Me again...... well the sitaution here has worsened. I think its me and Ithink Im going to be calling it all off.
(

 

[MunchinMark]

Think first, please.

You've put a lot of effort into this, so don't be rash.

Whatever the problem is, think it through first. It might not be so bad. (I hope)

I wouldn't advise you to stay in a relationship in which you were unhappy, but you seemed so much more optimistic about it just a few days ago.

 

[Scarlet2001]

Yes but we've just spent a few days together again and it was more than awful in the end. Tried the pump...god knows how anyone can use those anyway they didnt work no matter what we did... although now I can stroke him to a reasonable erection and then it just goes. And yes the oral and anal play that I got was great.. So tell me why do I feel so so frustrated and stifled???

Every where I went he was there. I turn around he is there.. when I sit down he sits to move closer to me. When we sleep in bed he wants me to sleep right next to him, If I roll over to move away hes right there in my back. HE was put out that I wanted time on my own but geez I need personal space and he needs his own interests. HE knows this and yet doesnt understand it. Im actually dreading having to see him again because of how I feel. Im an independent woman and yes I love close physical contact and spending time together but I also need my time...even if it is just to read an odd erotic story or two here ). Dont you also like time to your own self ?? to visit a friend on your own or just spend time with one of your kids on your own?

 

[MunchinMark]

It sounds like the two of you need to strike a balance. And that will take a bit of time. Unless of course he is naturally "clingy" (remember, none of us actually know either of you in person).

If you are used to sex involving penetration, then sex without it might seem odd and unsatisfactory without it for a while. I think that's why you are unsatisfied.

Has he been for a medical yet? maybe if the two of you can establish between you why he's having problems it will help.

 

[Easy Boy]

Sorry to hear of the turn for the worse, Scarlet. Best wishes to you, however this turns out. You do sound very aware of what you need, and of what's happening, and how they differ. In your prime, indeed.