What did I do wrong?

[feardesirepain]

Edited because it is done and over with, we will see what happens next...

 

[HottieMama]

Oh boy...How do i say this without making myself look like a complete dirt-bag? I have been in your position. I always ask how the Dom feels about me talking/playing with other Doms. Some have said no, absolutely not...and some don't mind as long as i don't make any "promises." However, in all cases, i require a VERY clear answer to that question. Perhaps that's where the problem lies here. His actions were very vague. He could have been asking about others because he wanted you to talk to them....or because he was jealous. (Remember that story i told you in PM about Someone being jealous?!?) Either way..it was vague and if your behavior was 100% clean then i say he's overreacting.

I hope you can work this out, and please feel free to PM me...there is only a certain amount i will share in public.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry to say it, but the only person who can answer your question is the one who you say you want. The rest of us can only speculate. For instance, I am not permitted to talk in IM or email etc., to any other male Dominants, unless he specifically asks me to or is aware of the connection and gives permission. Early in our relationship before we met I was free to still talk to others, and at one very early stage he gave permission for me to play with others due to the distance preventing an immediate meeting....problem was I wasn't interested in playing or talking to others so I told him that and didn't take up his offer to permit it, and closed or cancelled my profiles...he was secretly pleased so I find out now, that I chose of my own free will to wait for him in that way, and it wasn't long after that he also made the same decision in regard to his associations with other female subs. But throughout that period, we were both clear in our communication of what was allowed, wanted, and for what reasons and to what limits.....doesn't sound like you have had that same advantage.

Given I also used a system of checking out Dominants who professed a serious interest and expected some things from me in return, it crossed my mind that perhaps he has done the same with you and hence the accusations of lying. My system involved having an alternative profile online which I never used as a means to finding a partner, but did use it in terms of checking for honesty. If a Dominant I was talking to on a serious basis, and who had told me he was not communicating with any other or looking further, then responded to the alternative profile, I knew things were not as I had been told....I was generous in that just contacting wasn't enough, they had to actually express an interest, say they had no-one else they were interested in, and usually chat in a way which was in no way based on being seriously involved with anyone else, before I let them know I had found them out in their lies and was no longer interested. Surprisingly, F was the only one I tested in this way who came out squeaky clean and when contacted by my other profile said immediately but nicely he was not interested as he had found the one he was looking for.

If he is not willing to speak to you in any form, you can only assume what you did wrong, or whether or not he was for real. Unfortunately, as they say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/376824463_a0ed881d79_s.jpg Catalina

 

[MechaBlade]

You picked a jealous dom.

 

[AndrewKay]

um

Just my opinion, but your so-called Dom doesn't sound like one at all. Maybe he is just a bedroom Dom and one looking for multiple play partners or multiple relationships. Like others have said, if there is no clear communication between each other, don't be surprised if there is confusion and hurt.

In my opinion, a Dom should be responsible in working out the details of what both partners want. You were not clear, and he was not clear. Also in my opinion this 'alpha male' actually sounds like a beta-male (a domineering jealous type that usually maneuvers socially to subvert alpha males). Take my opinion for what it's worth.

 

[feardesirepain]

Thank you all for your reply... I just dont know what to do. I am lost and confused and hurt. So reading what you have to say has been very helpful. I hope that I can still get some more advise. Thank you again.

 

[WriterDom]

I don't know. It doesn't seem to be much of a commitment on your part to someone you're willing to call your Master. Why would you be putting ads on another site? I guess I'm being the devil's advocate here. I don't have a dog in this hunt. But there are two sides to every story.

 

[wenchhh]

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are, I know it sucks. It sounds to me like there were limits/boundaries that you were supposed to know, but that were never established.
Someone told me recently, that for every good dom out there, or right dom for each person, there are like 20 others who don't fit or are wanna bees. I don't know all the facts, but it seems to me that it is a doms job to set the rules, how do you know if he doesn't tell you, and that you did nothing wrong. Hold your head high hon, and try not to let it get you too down. you can PM me if ya want. HUGS!

I don’t know what to do… I found myself falling for a man who I wanted to give everything to… I mean everything… We never had a formal agreement, but I felt devoted to him in a way that I hadn’t known before… I wanted him to be my Master, but he never said that I was his. I don’t know maybe he did and I didn’t understand… I am new to this so when he said if it pleases me to call him Master then I could, but he never claimed me. Where is the damned rule book on this….

And now I am dumped like trash… and I feel like I have been broken…

So this is what I did… I fell for him, but he kept asking me if I was talking to anyone else, and if other men were talking to me… so I assumed that he wanted me to keep my options open, he even said that. So before I met him I put an ad on another site, and downloaded the messenger part… Well it kept turning on and maybe I didn’t want it to turn off, I just wanted to talk to people and find out what people were looking for… I honestly don’t know why I kept looking… I am young and horny and stupid I guess. I know that he still flirted with others, I have read his threads… Is it that a sub can’t talk to others but a Dom can? Well someone from this other site came online and we talked about art, and music and such and people in general. A very nice conversation. I was asked if I wanted to play and I said no, I had an assignment. I did not say what it was at least I don’t think I did… well as I was waiting for the man I really wanted to wait to play with to come online another person messaged me and started saying I was a liar… maybe it is all mind games, I don’t know but I got upset and said I wasn’t a liar. So I told him (man I wanted to be my Master) about the conversation and he got angry with me… told me that I was not serious about this relationship if I was looking to talk to others (other would be masters). I said I was sorry, that I wouldn’t talk to them… and please just talk to me… but he will not talk to me… please tell me what did I do, I don’t understand. Am I wrong? I did not actively seek these people out to talk, but I didn’t discourage them either… I talked, nothing else… most of the time I just answered questions, nothing more… and now, now I just feel so stupid, like I put myself out there to be used and thrown away… I have not let myself really care and now that I did, it was just a joke to him, so it feels like to me… Please tell me if I am wrong, because I still think that he is amazing, and damn me but I still want him… Sorry it is so long... but please help me

 

[neonflux]

feardesirepain, others have already said it better than I could have. I am sorry that you are going through this, and gave yourself to someone who clearly wasn't clear about what he expected. It sounds like you were doing the best you could do to try and please without having things well spelled out.

I think when many PYL's first start learning the skills of a Dominant, they often concentrate on the physical skills - flogging, where to hit without causing damage, etc. They don't think about the communication skills, all of the psychological components. In a weekend intensive I took for Dominant/switch women, the instructors included a whole section on giving clear instructions/orders.

Perhaps the one lesson here is to insist on clear communication the next time - there is nothing "unsubmissive" about asking for clarification if done with the right tone.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}}}

Neon

 

[feardesirepain]

Lessons learned

. . .

 

[inmyanonymity]

you're learning already

I have learned that I really do know nothing about being a sub, I wish that there was a rule book too. I need to learn and so far some people have offered to help me learn, so now comes the hard part learning how to please that potential future master... I guess I need to learn how to anticipate what a Master would want. And being as I am so new, I have no idea of where to begin....The people who are going to help me I am pretty sure that I will appreciate them, but I dont see myself falling for them... So it is safe and if anyone has an advice I welcome it... I really do...

Thanks
Aleina

You've already learned alot about clear communication. It is important to know where the lines are drawn. You probably should not have invested so much of yourself before knowing whether or not he was serious. It hurts. Give yourself some hugs, listen to some good songs, have a glass of wine, you're valuable, someone will cherish you- it just wasn't meant to be him.