What can I do?

[temptedshy1]

Hi all.

I've been lurking here for a while now and decided to join because I need some advice.

I've been deeply interested in BDSM for about a year and a half now. The idea of physical domination turns me on like I never thought possible. The problem is I'm married. And my husband has abolsutely no interest in it.

So what do I do? Cheating is out of the question, but I do want to experiment and explore this side of myself, so any ideas are welcome!

 

[WriterDom]

Can we make this a sticky?

 

[unregistered]

 

[loneranger8921]

Well how about trying an on line domination depending on how far you stretch not cheating. If you have a open communicative marriage your husband could know you are a sub to an on line Dom and could be cool with it. I would try that and open a dialog on the subject then he would really know you are serious and he might fulfill your needs. But show him you are serious like make up an add looking for a Dom. and ask for his approval.

 

[MisterSir]

It all depends on how far you think you want to go with this, and how...necessary it is to you. If you take the time to think about the possibilities and conclude that yes, you do need submission in your life, then the question is now just how your husband reacts. As much as it sucks, if he understands that submission is something you actually need from a relationship and he can't or won't accommodate, you may have to consider leaving him. Sorry to be so blase about it, but that's all I've got for you.

Good luck. I hope it doesn't come to divorce, and that you find a compromise.

 

[neci]

Hi all.

I've been lurking here for a while now and decided to join because I need some advice.

I've been deeply interested in BDSM for about a year and a half now. The idea of physical domination turns me on like I never thought possible. The problem is I'm married. And my husband has abolsutely no interest in it.

So what do I do? Cheating is out of the question, but I do want to experiment and explore this side of myself, so any ideas are welcome!

what types of conversations have you had with your husband so far? how have you presented the subject?

 

[wisk]

Hi all.

I've been lurking here for a while now and decided to join because I need some advice.

I've been deeply interested in BDSM for about a year and a half now. The idea of physical domination turns me on like I never thought possible. The problem is I'm married. And my husband has abolsutely no interest in it.

So what do I do? Cheating is out of the question, but I do want to experiment and explore this side of myself, so any ideas are welcome!

you have some options but they are limited

you say your husband has no interest in this, have you covered all the bases may be look thru the role play thread for some ideas. you do not say whether your interest is as a D or s. but you wouldn't be the first wife to train either I suspect.

"Cheating is out of the question" so presumably that would rule out online role play?

Change of partner extreme but have known a sub that left her husband after over twenty years marrige and whom she loved and he loved her as she wished to persue this interest. But that was not an ideal and think she regretted it for a long time.

other than that just to read and live out the fantasy through others

good luck I hope it works out for you

 

[unregistered]

 

[temptedshy1]

Thank you everyone for your responses so far.

I probably should have mentioned that I'm interested in submission and pain.

As for the idea of leaving my husband, I honestly could never do that. I love him dearly and would never want to cause him pain. And I know that decreases my options, which is why I posted here for any ideas and suggestions. I have heard of some people doing self bondage, but can't find much on the topic.

 

[YourCaptor]

Just ask him if he's ok with it.

Find a guy you both are ok with.

If he says no, then love him or hate him.

 

[silenceisgolden]

My significant other used to be about as vanilla as you could get. He was in his little bubble and that's all he knew and cared about. Never tried any type of food besides your run of the mill hamburger, hot dog, chicken strips. He wasn't interested in trying anything else. I finally got him to branch out and try some other types of food. Guess what? He liked it. He began to trust me and he began to get excited to try new things.

On to the sex life. It was about as simple as you can get. Always in the bedroom, some foreplay, missionary, lights had to be out. If he was feeling kinky he'd flip the lights on and have sex with me doggystyle. He found out I watched pornography and freaked out. Why? Because apparently girls aren't supposed to watch pornography. Who knew? Since I knew for a fact that he watched pornography I decided to start dirty talking him like the girls in the pornos did. I would ask him to "**** me harder" along with other inappropriate requests.

Since he seemed to like the dirty talk I began to request other things. Pinning my hands above my head, then handcuffs, then choking. After that he was pretty much up for anything I suggested.

This whole process took a couple of years. If you want to stay with your husband then getting him to break the mold is going to take awhile. Get him in the mindset to try new things. It doesn't have to be with sex at first.

 

[graceanne]

Can we make this a sticky?

You wish.

So do I.

 

[BertrandRussell]

... BDSM is, by its very nature, a sexual activity even when the more tradition activities (i.e. penetration) are not involved. The parties enter into the situation seeking sensual, sexual gratification and release. You can't divorce the sexual elements of most BDSM.

Speaking as a male of the species: I know full well how most of my vanilla friends -who have any understanding of the scene- would take the announcement that their spouse –either spouse- was seeking a PYL. It would not be pleasant!
...men don’t generally share their women well. Most are more than a little possessive and more than a few would become openly hostile at the very idea that their wife thinks she should be able to have a backdoor man! The intimate nature of a BDSM relationship -the trust needed and the connection needed to build that trust- would be as hurtful to some as adultery of the more traditional sort...

I was going to say something like this, but IB said as well as I could have.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You want to stay with him, so it has to be either BDSM with hubby or not at all.

So, how to get him to do it? How does one get anyone to participate in anything new? By making it enjoyable for him. By rewarding him for the slightest participation in doing new things that you want done.
We men are like dogs: give us a treat and you can lead us almost anywhere.

Start small. Do something submissive that he will enjoy. When you are watching TV, sit at his feet instead of on the couch beside him. While down there, give him a blowjob. He will learn to love having you in a submissive position.

Choose some pants or pajamas that are expendable. Wear them during foreplay. When the moment comes to take them off, inform him that the snap/zipper/tie/whatever is stuck, and you can't seem to get them off. Don't tell him that it is stuck because you super-glued them together. Try to tear the fabric yourself, and fail. He will have to rip your clothing off. Then make it worth it for him. He'll learn to enjoy ripping off your clothing.

Bit by bit you can encourage him to enjoy being dominant and having you be submissive.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I was going to say something like this, but IB said as well as I could have.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You want to stay with him, so it has to be either BDSM with hubby or not at all.

So, how to get him to do it? How does one get anyone to participate in anything new? By making it enjoyable for him. By rewarding him for the slightest participation in doing new things that you want done.
We men are like dogs: give us a treat and you can lead us almost anywhere.

Start small. Do something submissive that he will enjoy. When you are watching TV, sit at his feet instead of on the couch beside him. While down there, give him a blowjob. He will learn to love having you in a submissive position.

Choose some pants or pajamas that are expendable. Wear them during foreplay. When the moment comes to take them off, inform him that the snap/zipper/tie/whatever is stuck, and you can't seem to get them off. Don't tell him that it is stuck because you super-glued them together. Try to tear the fabric yourself, and fail. He will have to rip your clothing off. Then make it worth it for him. He'll learn to enjoy ripping off your clothing.

Bit by bit you can encourage him to enjoy being dominant and having you be submissive.

Ack.

That smacks of trickery and manipulation to me.

And it ultimately doesn't provide a happy outcome for most submissive types.

It's one thing for an experienced sub to teach an inexperienced Dom. It's entirely another to manipulate them into something they're not interested in.

The only option is to clearly state what you need. And to ask them what/how much they're willing to go along with. And then if the prove to be interested, to learn together. If they're not, then you need to decide if it's something you can or can't live without, and act accordingly.

 

[honeytaster]

...........

 

[where]

Ack.

That smacks of trickery and manipulation to me.

And it ultimately doesn't provide a happy outcome for most submissive types.

It's one thing for an experienced sub to teach an inexperienced Dom. It's entirely another to manipulate them into something they're not interested in.

The only option is to clearly state what you need. And to ask them what/how much they're willing to go along with. And then if the prove to be interested, to learn together. If they're not, then you need to decide if it's something you can or can't live without, and act accordingly.

but... it's possible he might be interested in it. Mr K has now shifted from being the 'new man' type I met 25 years ago into a much more dominant man to the point that he surprised me a couple of weeks ago by flipping and literally mentally and physically Domming me. It seems you can teach old dogs new tricks and have them enjoy it.

And if the OP wants to remain faithful, then it's a better alternative to getting a cyber-Dom, because as IB pointed out, not many men would take well to sharing.

 

[ecstaticsub]

And if the OP wants to remain faithful, then it's a better alternative to getting a cyber-Dom, because as IB pointed out, not many men would take well to sharing.

But some men are very interested in sharing. Being a cuckold to some degree is not all that rare. There are enough wifesharing sites to prove it is a popular kink. A cuckold doesn't have to be submissive either, just into his wife being with other men.

To the OP, be honest with your husband. You may be surprised what his answer would be. But I would do it very slowly. Maybe see if he would get turned on a bit by you just flirting with other men on-line.

My husband is vanilla withhs own minor kinks and enjoyed me being with other men on occasion. Jumping from that to me being owned by another man was a little more of a jump. But since Hubby was already used to me chatting and flirting with the guy it he accepted it. (and encourages my D/s relationship then and now)

 

[Netzach]

Ack.

That smacks of trickery and manipulation to me.

And it ultimately doesn't provide a happy outcome for most submissive types.

It's one thing for an experienced sub to teach an inexperienced Dom. It's entirely another to manipulate them into something they're not interested in.

The only option is to clearly state what you need. And to ask them what/how much they're willing to go along with. And then if the prove to be interested, to learn together. If they're not, then you need to decide if it's something you can or can't live without, and act accordingly.

I agree.

I also want to sport a new sign that says "leave the fucking vanilla people ALONE." I know that's disappointing, because it creates an insurmountable sexual impasse. That's life. It's full of insurmountable sexual impasses. Make your decisions and live with them, whatever they are.

The point I'm making is that a person has every *right* to be a burger chicken strips and hot dogs bore, as much as I have the *right* to be a novophile and a pervert.

Original poster - you already know more about how to get your husband talking to you than we do. You know his personality, you know already if he's at all flexible around the edges of this issue or not. You already know how much you need or don't need kink in your life. If you're asking how to change someone's sexuality, the answer is you can't. A lot of people can negotiate some fetishistic activity with a partner as in "I do this thing your're into that I don't quite get, you do this thing I'm into that you don't quite get, and we have fun because we like to see each other happy." That doesn't always work though, particularly with submissives, who will usually resent the fact that the dominance is not innate but something done for them.


Discussion is good. Negotiation is good. Some people are not, will not ever be, and should not have to pretend to be interested.

 

[JMohegan]

You already know how much you need or don't need kink in your life.

Does she though?

Sometimes I think "deeply interested in BDSM" is what happens to non-kinky people after they've been married for ages and get bored, feel like their spouses take them for granted, have drifted apart, or are just tired of fucking one person in the same damn bed or position.

That cynical observation aside, how would she really know, if she's never actually tried it?

If you're asking how to change someone's sexuality, the answer is you can't.

I believe there are latent cases out there, but in general I agree with this statement.

And I always wonder why kinky people think it's the non-kinky ones who should be changing in order to make things compatible. If changing someone's sexuality were possible, why shouldn't the kinky spouse be the one to morph, into a non-kinky persona?

 

[Netzach]

Does she though?

Sometimes I think "deeply interested in BDSM" is what happens to non-kinky people after they've been married for ages and get bored, feel like their spouses take them for granted, have drifted apart, or are just tired of fucking one person in the same damn bed or position.

That cynical observation aside, how would she really know, if she's never actually tried it?

I'm assuming that if it hasn't reached a point where the thought of leaving over it is something other than "unthinkable" it's not actually the critical core of her sexual identity. Or she's not through with all permutations of an untenable situation if it is, actually. One can usually spot this coming on without actual experience by feelings of worthlessness, craziness, intense depression, consideration of cheating and leaving and doing whatever it takes because you can't take it any more and it's not going away.

I believe there are latent cases out there, but in general I agree with this statement.

And I always wonder why kinky people think it's the non-kinky ones who should be changing in order to make things compatible. If changing someone's sexuality were possible, why shouldn't the kinky spouse be the one to morph, into a non-kinky persona?

When I was trying to be happy with my ex, I would have taken the magic pill had there been one at one point to put pandora's stuff back in the box. But I'm kind of glad with how things worked out ultimately.

 

[your_vice]

I was going to say something like this, but IB said as well as I could have.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. You want to stay with him, so it has to be either BDSM with hubby or not at all.

So, how to get him to do it? How does one get anyone to participate in anything new? By making it enjoyable for him. By rewarding him for the slightest participation in doing new things that you want done.
We men are like dogs: give us a treat and you can lead us almost anywhere.

Start small. Do something submissive that he will enjoy. When you are watching TV, sit at his feet instead of on the couch beside him. While down there, give him a blowjob. He will learn to love having you in a submissive position.

Choose some pants or pajamas that are expendable. Wear them during foreplay. When the moment comes to take them off, inform him that the snap/zipper/tie/whatever is stuck, and you can't seem to get them off. Don't tell him that it is stuck because you super-glued them together. Try to tear the fabric yourself, and fail. He will have to rip your clothing off. Then make it worth it for him. He'll learn to enjoy ripping off your clothing.

Bit by bit you can encourage him to enjoy being dominant and having you be submissive.

I don't think this is terrible advice, I've led a couple of vanilla men astray that way. It's not really manipulating him into doing something he's not interested in, not if he's got half a brain anyway. It's a way of testing the water and finding out if he could enjoy being dominant. If he doesn't, fair enough but if he does it could eventually develop into something they both find fulfilling.

I know men who like the idea of what they view as rough sex, letting their inner caveman out to play, who would crap themselves at the thought of treating the woman they love like that. Men who have never experimented with S&M have no clue how to hurt a woman in the way she wants without risking hurting her in ways she doesn't. They worry that if they judge things wrong trust will be damaged and they're right to worry. Men also worry that they might enjoy it too much, get carried away and do damage to her or the relationship that's irreparable. Worst case scenario is that a guy reads things completely wrong and winds up in jail.

Women who want their men to be dominant are ready to put their trust in that man. What they often don't consider is that the man may not feel able to trust himself. Something like that has to be a slow learning process and letting a potential dominant man take baby steps towards SSC sadism isn't what most women think of when they want to submit. Even if this guy discovers that he enjoys things like spanking and dirty talk, he'll be a long way from handling implements, bondage and other riskier activities with confidence and capability. It's that self assurance as a competent dominant that takes longer to blossom than the primal urge to take a willing woman forcefully. When I cajoled a vanilla man into experimentation, I had a degree of experience as a bottom and a clear idea of what I wanted and could handle. The OP doesn't have that either, which makes it a leap into the unknown for both of them. I think that taking the initiative to be more submissive and see if he likes it is potentially a better approach than printing off a BDSM checklist, sitting the guy down and scaring the crap out of him.

Also, men had terribly fragile egos. When a woman asks for something different, all most guys hear is 'she doesn't like what I'm doing already.' This can damage their confidence and adversely affect their inclination to experiment. If the OP starts trying to encourage her man into being more dominant, she must also take care to reassure him that she still really enjoys the sexlife that they already have.

Just my tuppence.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree. Manipulation can be a good thing. It can be a lubrication to get you both into a more interesting sex life and relationship.

I also agree that if he is not kinky, you can't change his essential nature. There has to be something buried there under the surface.

 

[jadedgirl]

Gentle persuasion---good luck!