What are your goals?

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[FurryFury]

I'm reading your damn book, Sir, and it's a lot of work.

LOL!

That's what I'd likely be thinking. God how I hate being told I'm not doing enough and my life is all my fault.

Yeah, I knew that already. Of course I happen to like my life. I'm prepared to say, yes, I chose this for better or for worse. Can I do more or better? Probably so. Still, I give myself the opportunity to take it easy and not always do my best or improve.

I try hard not to should myself to death. I guess it's kind of a red button issue with me. I grew up with people who I could never be good enough for. I'm good enough for me, now, that's it.

 

[Luvkitty33]

I'm currently working through Rinella's Partners in Power: Living in a Kinky Relationship, and in his chapter titled Elephant in the Room, he discusses negative thinking with regards to not currently being in a BDSM relationship, or losing hope of finding a partner. There are a lot of people looking for power based (BDSM) relationships out there; if you lurk on CollarMe or any of the other "big" kink-friendly personals sites, you'll see people who have been searching for years to find a partner who meets their wants, needs and desires...

From the book (because Mr. Rinella said it so well):

" What makes each of us a wannabe is our vision, the dreams, the thought we have to be or do something. This is important, as "without a vision, the people perish." But thought without action is only thought. Only by applying energy, emotion, movement, and dedication to an idea will it become reality. So the dream needs to be analyzed and understood. Give your dreams some definition so that you have a thorough idea of what your goal is. Whatever you want to be will be more obtainable when you know what it feels, looks, and acts like. Define for yourself what it is you want. Make the definition definitive, not vauge or superficial. Use action terms, especially nouns and verbs. If you use terms that have all sorts of connotatons, refine them so that they are more clearly understood.

<snip>

Having arrived at a clearer definition of what you want, it is then important that you devise a plan to achieve it. I always as myself "How do I have to change to become that?" Another way of asking the same question is "When I attain that goal, what will be different about me? Write down the plan, giving realistic dates for attaining certain steps towards your goal.

<snip>

Get yourself ready to fulfill your dreams. Doing so means you act in such a way as to be able to be who you want to be. Save money to pay for the changes. Get out of debt, lost weight, earn your degree, work on the psychological aspects of your personality that hold you back, such as fear and doubt.

Most of all, get experience. Put yourself into short-term situations where you will be able to learn more about what you want. Those experiences will transform you from who you are to who you will be. They will make your goals clearer, more definitive, and signifigantly more attainable. Or, and this is just as likely, they will teach you to change your goals to more closely conform to the real you."
[Partners in Power p. 146-148]

If you aren't currently in a relationship, what are your goals? What are you doing to make them happen? How are you preparing yourself to become the Master/Dominant/Top or slave/submissive/bottom you want to be? What active steps are you taking towards creating the relationship you are seeking?

WOW!!! I don't even know what to say here......except for THANK YOU!!!
Thank you for posting this and for asking the questions you asked. The parts of the book that you quoted could not be more true, and what a great reminder.

I've done some of the things the author suggests, but then I start to become complacent. I think it's time for me to take a much closer look at the steps I have taken, and then look at the goals I have already set, refine them, and add to the list. The most important step for me to take is the action step....,putting verbs into my sentences and then following through. I'm so good at following through on other goals, and it's time that I make the goals in this extremely important area of my life more of a priority.

Anyway, thank you again for posting this!!! I'm looking forward to reading the responses you get, and maybe I'll come add my own.....once I've done the work...LOL.

Overall, what do you think of the book? Is it one that you would recommend?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[FurryFury]

Uhhh... Fury? Huh?

I know you aren't in a typical D/s reltionship, but you are in a committed one, and like you said, you like your life... you've talked about having good communication, loving each other, etc, even if you don't get all your d/s needs met, which to me says you aren't in the same place as the people the author is addressing.

My thought for the thread, was that I've often seen people complaining about how they can't meet anyone, or they have self-esteem issues, or there are people new to BDSM who want a relationship, but don't know what they want from a relationship, or are long distance (and hate it) but are struggling to develop a plan to change that. You know... the submissive who "just wants to be loved" (flounderflounderflounder), or the dominants who want to be in control, but have no freaking idea how to do so, and think endless cyber-sex prepares them for the real thing.

Kay.

I was just sayin how I'd see it.

Sorries.

Going to bed now.

Just, um, promise to be good to yourself?

*hug*



You deserve the best.

I honestly want to flog most self help authors. Something is wrong with me in this way maybe? Serious hot button issue.

 

[FungiUg]

From the book (because Mr. Rinella said it so well):

" What makes each of us a wannabe is our vision, the dreams, the thought we have to be or do something. This is important, as "without a vision, the people perish." But thought without action is only thought. Only by applying energy, emotion, movement, and dedication to an idea will it become reality.

I may be side-tracking somewhat here, but it's kinda relavant.

I am in a long-term non-BDSM semi-poly relationship. I have yet to have a successful long-term BDSM relationship to go along with that, although... well, it's complicated.

I got to the point where I was so frustrated by my lack of outlet that I gave up. I dropped out of most of the BDSM stuff I was doing, and basically just said "Bugger it. If something comes along then great, but otherwise I'm just going to get on with life in the mean time." (People may have noticed I pretty much dropped out of Literotica at that time -- all that talk and no action resulted in severe depression.)

Suffice to say that since then, things have happened and have changed, and that in turn led to another crisis, but that's a whole nother story.

The point is that no matter what you dream, no matter what actions you take, you have to practice patience. In almost every case, nothing happens instantly. Finding the right person or people takes time. And it often takes a lot of time to work through the "wrong" people too, and to learn from that. And that whole process can be very depressing.

So focussing your entirety on your BDSM desires/goals and changing your entire self towards that seems to me a potential recipe for disaster. There is no guarantee that having done that, you will meet the right person/people.

A healthier approach (for me at least) is to try and develop many threads to my life. BDSM is a part of that, sure. But only a part.

Dreams and aspirations are great. I wouldn't be without them. But I have to make an effort to stay in balance too. Because otherwise I end up in a mess.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

When I was a youngster I made a list of what I wanted to do in my life, and I did everything on the list. Winners DO. Losers make excuses.

I dont believe the WRONG PERSON Theory at all. We want roses and conveniently forget they always have thorns.

Crises and strife dont bother me. My oldest and best relationships all began with either fist-fights or a good cussing. One woman started our relationship telling me to stick a firecracker up my ass (we've been lovers/friends for 6 years), and another woman told me to kiss her ass (we've been good friends for 7 years).

CutieMouse you make BDSM seem like earning a goddamned Scout Badge.

 

[Luvkitty33]

<snip> A healthier approach (for me at least) is to try and develop many threads to my life. BDSM is a part of that, sure. But only a part.

Dreams and aspirations are great. I wouldn't be without them. But I have to make an effort to stay in balance too. Because otherwise I end up in a mess.

I think the author's advice for finding the right person is a good recipe for life in general. Balance is definitely key to a happy and healthy life. I also believe that you are a much more interesting and "desirable catch" when you have balance in your life because it means you have more things in life than finding love that are important to you, more interests, hobbies, etc. In my mind, a more balanced person is a more interesting person. The Lit. Message Boards are a good example of this. The more active threads there are, the more interesting the boards are, and the more desirable Lit. is as a place to become associated with.

You made some good points, FungiUg.

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, well I have to agree with what he says as it is exactly how I arrived at this point in my life and give thanks for it every day, even the less than perfect ones. I discovered what I wanted, had dreamed about etc., had a name and was a real lifestyle for some people, and through the guidance and patience of one who will always remain special in my mind and heart (which I hope he still knows ), I set about making it happen in the real world. I read, I discussed, and I explored aspects of what I craved with him online and at his insistence, with play partners in real life. Once those needs and limits were more clearly defined in my mind I set out to find someone who could be the one for me, who shared a similar goal only from the other side of the whip, and basically gave the search every ounce of energy I had left over after work and family, and even while occupied with those parts of my life, my plan and goal was simmering in my mind, turning over, coming up with new ideas, improving myself etc.

Hmmm, some people found it offensive I would meet someone for coffee and go no further simply because I did not feel they could fulfil my needs or me theirs....roflmao, and those who were offended were people not even involved in the process, not those who didn't get the second date!! My theory is too many people make second and third dates knowing it is not the right person, then talk themselves into believing it will work out and years later wonder why they end up in divorce court. Anyway, like he says, you basically approach it like you would your own business, or anything you want to succeed in...you work at it, you take positive action loaded steps as opposed to dreaming on and waiting for that special person to come knocking on your door by fate...it may happen, but why wait and stand the chance it doesn't when there are options?

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Uhhh... Fury? Huh?

I know you aren't in a typical D/s reltionship, but you are in a committed one, and like you said, you like your life... you've talked about having good communication, loving each other, etc, even if you don't get all your d/s needs met, which to me says you aren't in the same place as the people the author is addressing.

My thought for the thread, was that I've often seen people complaining about how they can't meet anyone, or they have self-esteem issues, or there are people new to BDSM who want a relationship, but don't know what they want from a relationship, or are long distance (and hate it) but are struggling to develop a plan to change that. You know... the submissive who "just wants to be loved" (flounderflounderflounder), or the dominants who want to be in control, but have no freaking idea how to do so, and think endless cyber-sex prepares them for the real thing.

I have to agree with you. There are people who are happy to play only and have a mainstream life for the rest of it, there are those who wish for more but find they can exist without it though happy if it crosses their path, and there are those of us who need it and unlike some seem to believe, it doesn't mean we don't have a deep, committed, loving relationship as part of it which still deals with all the mundane things like laundry, illness and fixing inconviently timed broken appliances. There are those who say they need it just as much as someone who chooses it as a lifestyle without exception, but will chose to live without it which sort of reminds me of people who claim someone who suicides was not as depressed or in as dark a place as they themselves are...obviously they were for them otherwise it would be the person who is making those claims being the one who suicided, not the other way arouond. As is said so often, everyone is different, everyone has different wants, and everyone has different needs in terms of the density BDSM plays in their overall daily life...recognising and working with those differences in your own life and working toward making them happen how we personally envision we need them is the key to everything IMHO. I think one of the biggest lessons I have ever learned in life is if you sit by and wait for things to get done or happen, you are likely to be disappointed and in years to come have a mountain load of regrets and 'what if' questions in your head. We do have more control over our lives and what happens to and around us than most are willing to assume responsibility for.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[FurryFury]

I'm so sorry that he went AWOL on you. That is one of the rudest most painful things.



I also agree that people bitch entirely too much most often without getting up off their asses and out from behind their computer to DO something for themselves toward their goals.

From personal experience I can say girl scout badges and the work to get them done rock!



So do you Cutiemouse.

Just be kind to yourself.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

If you aren't currently in a relationship, what are your goals? What are you doing to make them happen? How are you preparing yourself to become the Master/Dominant/Top or slave/submissive/bottom you want to be? What active steps are you taking towards creating the relationship you are seeking?

... I was thinking ummm... live. Do the stuff you enjoy, be the person you like to be around, set goals and accomplish them, keep looking. Kink isn't everything...

For me the second paragraph speaks to the first. I'm in a relationship that is slowly transitioning into kink so I can only speak from that perspective. I came to lit thinking I was missing so much in my life. I think my first post even was on the personals (sheesh ). I made some stupid mistakes but learned alot in the few months I have been here. So here is what I am doing to create the relationship I want:

The first step was to be much more open with my husband and ask the same from him in return. He is now more open to kink than I ever imagined he could be (this is a surprise to him also).

I'm still doing a lot of soul searching regarding BDSM. I have gone from wanting to bottom to wanting to sub to wanting to be a slave and then realizing I didn't know the true meaning of any of those in my life. I nearly ended my marriage. I had to step back and reprioritize.

That is where that phrase "Kink isn't everything" from the second paragraph comes in. True, I haven't been in a 24/7 kink relationship so I can't say I know what that really is like. But I do know I have so many of the things that I want in my relationship. It isn't perfect and like most human relationships never will be. We have a committment to each other to make it work though so we have to give it our best shot.

In the meantime however, I'm still doing the things that I was doing before the BDSM aspect of my life came to the forefront. I'm working on bettering my health, progressing in my career, learning, working hard, focusing on my spirituality (which was sorely neglected during this time), and just generally letting life happen.

I agree with you that what the author says can apply to a good way to life life in general, not just kink.

Ivy

p.s. I'm sorry you were hurt by this person you trusted.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I have to agree with you. There are people who are happy to play only and have a mainstream life for the rest of it, there are those who wish for more but find they can exist without it though happy if it crosses their path, and there are those of us who need it and unlike some seem to believe, it doesn't mean we don't have a deep, committed, loving relationship as part of it which still deals with all the mundane things like laundry, illness and fixing inconviently timed broken appliances. There are those who say they need it just as much as someone who chooses it as a lifestyle without exception, but will chose to live without it which sort of reminds me of people who claim someone who suicides was not as depressed or in as dark a place as they themselves are...obviously they were for them otherwise it would be the person who is making those claims being the one who suicided, not the other way arouond. As is said so often, everyone is different, everyone has different wants, and everyone has different needs in terms of the density BDSM plays in their overall daily life...recognising and working with those differences in your own life and working toward making them happen how we personally envision we need them is the key to everything IMHO. I think one of the biggest lessons I have ever learned in life is if you sit by and wait for things to get done or happen, you are likely to be disappointed and in years to come have a mountain load of regrets and 'what if' questions in your head. We do have more control over our lives and what happens to and around us than most are willing to assume responsibility for.

Catalina

There are those also who need it and would love to be more involved in the "lifestyle" but because of other commitments choose not to.

Sometimes I wish the D/s relationship I am in was a live together 24/7 relationship, but it will never happen and really I don't want it to be. I LOVE my vanilla life. I married my husband 20 some years ago and he is my soul mate and love of my life. Yes, I do wish he was more dominant and the sex was a bit kinkier, but as CutieMouse said "kink isn't everything". My children need a strong family, I love them and I love their father.

I am fortunate that my husband understands and is open to me have a D/s relationship with someone else. It is not a perfect solution, but nobody's relationship is. I find your analogy insulting.

My goals? To keep learning, to keep striving to keep the balance of my vanilla life with my D/s life and make this relationship not only work, but to last forever.

 

[ecstaticsub]

CM--that poofing off the face of the earth thing with no explanation sucks big time. I've been there. Hugs

 

[HottieMama]

CM...Steven went poof on me too..after i moved here...after we met...blah..blah..blah.. He sucked for doing that to me, and what J did to you sucks too! Hardcore. (Because you, my friend, are friggin awesome! )

My goals are to be happy and live my life. Luckily, i have found someone who fits into that life very well and enhances my happiness tremendously.

 

[questnboy]

Goals

Goals of well tonight I’m going to write a story for lit. I’m going to call in and leave a two minute message. Right now I am trying to figure out a good topic. Ideas PM me

 

[Chicklet]

I have absolutely outlandish goals kink-mate wise. I want a boyfriend who's also a top who doesn't mind being fluid in roles. I could get more specific about my pickyness, but I won't atm

What I'm doing to get to that is just dealing with doing things solo. Going to events, munches, demos, etc, alone or with friends. Playing occasionally, although I really dislike casual play, and keeping my eyes peeled for someone I wouldn't mind treating to dinner.

Tomorrow I start school for the first time in eight years o.o not going back to college full time yet, but going into a career path that will get me out of cooking and hopefully find something i like better to do. my long term plans are to obtain the new job, and fund a full time return to school.

It'd be nice to have someone around, but meh. I have a cat.

 

[catalina_francisco]

There are those also who need it and would love to be more involved in the "lifestyle" but because of other commitments choose not to.

Sometimes I wish the D/s relationship I am in was a live together 24/7 relationship, but it will never happen and really I don't want it to be. I LOVE my vanilla life. I married my husband 20 some years ago and he is my soul mate and love of my life. Yes, I do wish he was more dominant and the sex was a bit kinkier, but as CutieMouse said "kink isn't everything". My children need a strong family, I love them and I love their father.

I am fortunate that my husband understands and is open to me have a D/s relationship with someone else. It is not a perfect solution, but nobody's relationship is. I find your analogy insulting.
.

I am not meaning to insult, but I am meaning to point out a difference. I remained single and not in a live in relationship by choice for a long time after my divorce (16 years actually) and it wasn't because I didn't meet and date some really great guys, or get great offers of marriage etc. In fact a couple of them I could have had a very happy life with on various levels...if I didn't need to have D/s 24/7 as part of it. That is a difference between you and I and does not mean one is better than the other, just different.

Just as I pointed out in my analogy, many people will comment about someone who suicides as being silly and then reference how much worse off they themselves are and look, they haven't suicided have they?...it is an empty argument because neither situation is a competition, but both situations do differ based on the needs and situations of those involved....if the person who is making such a comment had hit the place the suicide victim had and reacted in their way, been in their shoes so to speak, obviously they wouldn't be alive either....bottom line is though they haven't.

You admit you love your vanilla relationship and vanilla life enough to stay with it and not be 24/7 D/s which you admit you do not really want, and I am happy you are happy and content with that....that is not me as I was never happy with a vanilla life or relationship. I had been in a relationship for 5 years with someone who was a great match for me in many ways, and he was even kinky to some extent and willing to try anything, but it wasn't enough and I knew it so I left the relationship as difficult as it was, and went in search of what I needed. I had to choose to leave as I knew it would not work for me to stay....with you it works. Do I miss aspects of that relationship at times? Yes, but not enough to forgo a D/s relationship 24/7.

I also could never live the choice you have made as for one thing I just don't have enough energy or time to devote to 2 intimate relationships, nor do I want to. I wanted and needed 24/7 M/s as a lifestyle and relationship choice, and in a way in which it encompassed every moment of my day, even when asleep, and I set out to find it without letting myself fall into previous traps of believing it could work with a mainstream person when I already found out the hard way it didn't...just like in the thread about whether you would marry your soulmate if they were vanilla...as I said there, no I wouldn't because they would not be my soulmate...you feel differently and that is OK for you, but not for me. I actually envy you for being able to remain happily married to the one you married 20 years ago and had children with...it is an ideal I would have loved as a reality, but it wasn't my reality unfortunately. I am sorry if it offends you as I am not offended or insulted that you are happy to live in the situation you are in, just it wouldn't fit me, nor do I believe I should try and make it fit me when I don't have to just as I don't expect you to leave your marriage and live as I do as it wouldn't fit you and you don't have to.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

I don't find the analogy insulting, but I don't quite think I get it. Lol, am I just tired? Is the idea that the person not in the 24-7 relationship is judging the person who is, and shouldn't, because their respective situations are different?


At any rate, does it work for you and yours, I think, is the question. If it does, right on.

 

[FungiUg]

I have a cat.

I like pussies.

 

[FungiUg]

[...]I was thinking ummm... live. Do the stuff you enjoy, be the person you like to be around, set goals and accomplish them, keep looking. Kink isn't everything...

Dammit, don't do that to me CM! I almost proposed marriage!

 

[intothewoods]

Well, this is timely for me. Fairly recently separated and still discovering my kink.

The context in which I discovered bdsm sometimes makes me wonder if I'm all that kinky. Basically, I was under a lot of stress, and feeling overwhelmed, and so I took a great deal of comfort, and still do, in giving up that control.

What I do know is, I have always been attracted and interested in power exchange. I think a strong dose of power shifting happens in vanilla relationships too, though.

I think I can spin my wheels for hours trying to figure out what label fits me, and so for now, I tend to let that go and just think about what I like. I know I'm a very intense person, with a big personality. I need a man who also has a very dynamic personality. Someone who can handle me, and who isn't intimidated by me, and who is strong and can take care of me when I need that feeling of safety.

I am in charge of my career, and my son. If I have more children with my next partner, I wouldn't want that person to be the final word on parenti decisions. I would want those decisions made jointly, but I also don't want to feel like I can walk all over my partner in those decisions! I really want a partnership. I also want to make financial decisions together. Again, I want a strong man with strong opinions. If I can walk all over someone, I will. And I don't want that.

In writing this, I can tell I am still figuring out what I want in a relationship (not surprising - it's only been a few months). In a sense, I am sort of in a short term situation where I can try a lot out, and it is fun. I love the way my PYL orders for me in a restaurant. You know, there are these little things -- are they Domly, or are they just the type of guy he is - man's man, kinda thing?? -- that I just adore and thrill me to bits. And then at the same time, whereas I find the fantasy of sitting at his feet very hot, in reality, we cuddle on the couch. Besides, his floor is dirty, lol! And there are times in the bedroom, even, when I have said, no, I just can't right now. And we switch gears.

Right now, I can only come back to what I know. My personality is so strong. I need a strong man to balance that.

 

[FungiUg]

The context in which I discovered bdsm sometimes makes me wonder if I'm all that kinky.

It's not a competition. Just find what works for you. If that has a label attached to it, then fine. If not, still fine. Again, the motivation isn't that important, it's just accepting that it's what works for you.