what alcohol can make you say

[MSTarot]

Well the pirate has a bit of rum in him at last. It brought to mind an idea. I'm sure we all have had things happen to us once alcohol has been applied that are funny. Some of them may make for good story ideas, or at least funny lines.

I'll go first with two of mine.

My wife and I went to a night club to hear a band we are friends with play. I'm driving she's drinking. She goes to the bar to get her another. When she comes back she is red face and nearly in tears from laughter. I ask her what happened.
"I got tongue tied when i tried to order. I tried to ask for a Rum and Coke. What i said was a Rum and Cock!"

My cousin is a very big guy, about 6'5 and tops out at around 470lbs. There is a bar near my house that has a cellar beer garden. A little patio at the bottom of about twenty steps. He had a beer in both hands and about four in him when he started down the steps. He slipped and on his ass slid step to step all the way to the bottom. He did not spill either beer. When he got to the bottom the place was dead quiet. He stood up looked around and said
"thank you folks shows all week."

He broke his tail bone.

Okay lets hear them.

M.S.Tarot

 

[Balke7612]

So it's that special period between Christmas and New Year's, my family is all back home together, both parents and five kids ranging from mid-teens to early 30's. Needless to say we've all just about had enough of each other.

My younger brother (about 19 at the time) has retired to his bedroom to watch a film with the 70cl bottle of Jack Daniels his boss gave him. My bedroom is nextdoor and after a couple of hours of silence I hear a godawful crash. I walk along the hall and open his door and he's just getting to his feet having evidently fallen while trying to make the four-foot journey from the armchair he's been sitting in to his bed. He's got this big grin and an empty bottle of JD. Yes he'd drunk the whole thing in the 2.5 hours he'd been watching the film.

Anyway, little brother's bedroom is directly above the living room where our parents had been sitting, so obviously they'd heard the noise and come up to find him quite clearly inebriated. So the questions begin in order to establish just how drunk the boy is. "What year is it?" our mum asks, which he got right, "who is president of America?" our dad adds, to which my darling brother replied to our parents "George Bush, and he's a fucking cunt." I think the sight of my mother tunring away to bite her fist to stop herself from laughing will stay with me forever.

Needless to say we ended up taking him to hospital to be checked over, the events were explained to the nurses. "He's drunk a bottle of whiskey," our dad said "was it your's?" the nurse asks, "no it was his," we reply "oh well that's ok then," she laughs. Gotta love nurses.

 

[PayDay]

an exerpt would be:

"You're going to have to stop crying. Now! Or we're both going to get arrested."

 

[YDB95]

The backstory doesn't matter, only the punch line does: "Aw, shit, guys, even her vagina prob'ly smells like cigarettes!"

 

[bharman4102]

The backstory doesn't matter, only the punch line does: "Aw, shit, guys, even her vagina prob'ly smells like cigarettes!"

"this is the best thing i learned in college"

 

[lovecraft68]

I play in a dart league and have for years so needless to say even though some of the bars are a little on the sleazy side with their share of trouble makers I'm pretty much left alone.

I do have a big mouth when I'm drinking, as stated everyone knows everyone so it's just an eye roll and yeah that's Mike.

So we make the regional playoffs and go to this bar in New Jersey. Place is full of bikers and we're playing and doing well despite being razzed constantly by the resident bozos.

I'm drinking a lot and playing exceptionally well. I'm doing shots of Jack, but in between I like the flavored smirnoff Ice drinks, you know grape cherry little suckers taste like jolly ranchers.

so I go to the bar and I'm standing next ot hese two hells angels rejects, both are over 6 feet and weigh over 250.
Now I'm 5'8" and all of 175 pounds. I'm in good shape, but not intimidating to guys this size

One goof orders two beers and when they come he gives his friend one. I order my smirnoff. Biker looks at me and laughs and says "why don;t you get a mans drink and holds up his beer.

So now a bunch of them are laughing and without skipping a beat I say "Now is it really a man's drink when your girlfriend buys it for you"

You could hear a pin drop for about ten seconds then one of the guys starts laughing and so does everyone else.

For the record, I was still holding all three darts, you know just in case.

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

I have a photo of myself still in diapers sitting in the midst of my grandfathers tool box teething on a ratchet. All through my childhood my male relatives had to put up with me constantly underfoot when working on anything. By the time I reached my teens some of them became more uncomfortable with me hanging around but my smaller hands and slight stature was handy enough when working on a car that they still put up with me.

My father always tried to make sure I was included in all the guy stuff that went on. I hunted, fished, worked on trucks and cars, played around in my cousins CB radio shop, played black jack and poker at deer hunting camp etc.

I was in my mid teens and we had all gathered at my grandmothers house for some family event or other and all the males had retired to a shade tree to admire the replica of the General Lee that one of my uncles had just traded his truck for. Someone started passing a flask around and when it passed me by my father said “No, if she's going to hang with the men she's going to learn to drink too. Hand it to her.”

We all drooled over his souped up engine and shiny chrome embellishments under the hood and then he started complaining about the static in his CB radio. He had installed special filters on his spark plugs, checked everything he could think of and nothing would rid him of the static noises.

The first thing someone checked the connection at the back of the radio and it was connected properly so we started checking wires. I'd had several pulls off the flask at this point and came out with “Did you check both ends of the KOTEX to see if it's loose.”

There was dead silence and several of them blushed. It took a minute for me to realize what I'd said. In those days they didn't even advertise feminine hygiene products on TV.

But sure enough one of my uncles checked under the back bumper and the COAX at the base of his whip antenna was nearly unscrewed. He tightened it and the static ceased.

 

[MSTarot]

Friend of mine spent half the night trying to talk this girl out her clothes. He was doing every thing in his power to flatter her ego. Finally he sees another friend of ours about to walk past. He stops him and points out this girl to him.

"I want you to just look at her for a moment. Look at how beautiful her eyes are, how shiny her hair is. How perfect her skin looks. I mean just look at that beautiful figure."

The guy just stands there swaying a little, looking the girl over then turns to my friend and says

"I'd fucker her!"