What about me?

[EmeraldKitten]

In the noisy confusion of life, some people get lost.

I try, for the most part, to be there for any and everyone that needs me.
I’m a friend, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a venting machine.
I give advice when I can, and I stay silent when it’s needed.
I’m a source of support, a beacon of hope, whatever the case may be.

However, I am not perfect.
I’m sure that I’ve let people down, not given them what they’ve needed or wanted.
But I can’t be everything to everyone at the same time.
That’s something I need to learn.
I want so badly to help the people I know, to make their world a better place.
I hope in some small way I can shine.

Ever since March of 2005, when my great-grandma passed away, I not only was the rock for my friends, but to my mom as well. I had to step up, then as a 22 year old, and hold the family together.
My mom was always the strong one, next to my great-grandma. They were very close, and her death ripped a part of my mom’s heart away that I’m not sure she’ll ever get back.
It hurt me too, but I didn't feel I was able to grieve.
Why? Because I felt I needed to be strong for my mom.
The day of the funeral, I got the letter out that I’d written my great-grandma and given to her the day before she died, sat down in a chair, read it and cried.
Sure, I’d cried during the few days between her death and the funeral, but there, in front of everyone, I had a complete breakdown.
And I sat alone.
The other great-grandchildren knew that their bond with the rock of the family, our great-grandma, wasn’t as strong as my own. They would never know my pain.
They didn’t live out there, then go out every weekend once they’d moved out. They didn’t spend their summers out there. They didn’t take her to various appointments. They didn’t give up their time, the summer they turned 16 to take her to physical therapy.
They never made a quilt with her, or spent countless hours in the kitchen, canning tomatoes and other summer goodies from the garden.
They didn’t know her recipe to make deviled eggs.
I read the letter I wrote her, and cried, hoping she got to read it before she passed. But I didn’t know for sure that she did.
It was a letter apologizing to her for not visiting her more in the nursing home. It was a letter of the uncertainties of my life. It was a letter of the heart.
My mom rounded the corner at the funeral home, and saw me sitting there, alone, crying like a baby, and she came up to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.
Her words? “Are you okay?”
Mine. “No.”
Hers: “I haven’t been there for you through this, have I?”
Mine. “No.”
I grieved alone, I cried alone.
But for them I stood strong.

For some reason, that’s what I do. If someone I know has an issue, I try and take it from them. Sometimes it works/helps, sometimes it doesn’t. But, regardless, when I part their company, I go home and cry.
For them, for what they’ve lost, for what they want, for what they’re searching for, for whatever.

I take so much of them upon myself, I lose sight of me.
I’m not saying I have days that it’s not all about me. Because I do.
But I give more than I take. I think. I hope. But still….

So tonight, I got home from work. I took a nap, watched a movie, then headed to the bathroom. I laid in the tub, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and listening to the radio. It was all about me.
As we speak, I have a deep conditioner on my hair, and I’m getting ready to paint my nails. This is my ‘me’ time. I might read after bit, maybe not. I’m going to do what I want to do. Hell, if I wasn’t drinking, I’d go out driving, wasting gas since its $3 a gallon, lol.

So for anyone that has these type of feelings, this is the place to be.
Please, tell me that I’m not alone in this.
Please know that it’s okay to look inwards to yourself once and again.

To anyone who’s lost themselves, doing everything for everyone, come and join.
Talk about you. Talk about how you feel. You, you, you.
Pamper yourself, treat yourself, etc.

(P.S. I don’t mean to sound selfish. It’s not that it at all. But the way I am- I really do take way too much of my friends/family and their issues into me, turning it into my problem.)

(Oh, and when you’re feeling really selfish, listening to this song might help. Ya oughta download it, lol.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“What About Me?” ~ Keith Urban

I'm livin' in a world that won't stop pullin' on me
I'm not complaining, but it's true
It's like I owe my time to everyone else
'Cause that's all I seem to do

You might not notice but I need a good friend
Someone to talk to when I'm down, down, down
There's so much on my mind that I want to get out
But there's no one around

Sometimes I can't help thinking‘, ‘what about me?’
Some days go by that I don't even see
Yeah, I’m doin’ everything right, and I can’t break free
Is this the way it's always gonna be
What about me?

Well I'm dreamin' I'm on a highway with the windows down
I'm burnin' up the road at my own speed
But I'm stuck here goin' nowhere in this traffic jam
And there's a woman with her kids in the car next to me
And I swear she's singin'

Sometimes I can't help thinkin' what about me
Some days go by that I don't even see
Yeah, I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Is this the way it's always gonna be
Hey, what about me?

Oh, sometimes I can't help thinkin', 'what about me?'
Some days go by that I don't even see
I'm doing everything right and I can't break free
Oh is this the way it's always gonna be
What about me?
Hey what about me?

 

[cantdog]

I have learned. Fifty years, yes, but I know now.


Losses

Every human being
must find her own way

to cope

with severe loss.


And it is the job of a friend
the only job of a true friend
to facilitate whatever method she chooses.

Be strong, beautiful. Do what you need to. Use me if you want;
nothing could honor me more.

 

[English Lady]

I completely feel your pain. My sister and I are both the same in this -we want to make things better for people. We like tofix things, help and make people smile again.

I have learnt, though, that bottling my own feelings inside to do just that is not beneficial to anyone. My sister is still learning that lesson, making herself ill in the process. I know she'll find the answer soon enough, I tell her often enough


It's difficult wanting peace sometimes, it's hard being atune to everyones feelings and wanting to make the negative go away, I live with a manic depressive, and when he heads into a deep downer it panics me, because nothing I do can make it better, make the hurt go away. (My husband tells me I help by just being there, but that doesn't feel like I am helping,to me.

I love to help, make things better and it makes me feel so good when I can, it falls down a bit sometimes, and I'm just larning to cope with that.

My mums accident and loss of her boyfriend have been so hard on her, and she's still recovering. I want to make it all better, but I know I can't and I'm learning through this that shared grief is a great healer. Mum and I have cried together, Mums cried on me, I've cried on her and each time it brings us closer and heals her and I in a way that smiles and false laughter can't.


It's not the end of the world if you can't fix a persons problem, what they want is someone to be by their side whilst they go through the experience, whilst they fix the problem in their own good time.

 

[scheherazade_79]

Big, indulgent hug coming straight at you, Kitten.

I don't want to go into detail, but you're not alone. And treating yourself like gold is probably the best thing you can do. Don't ever feel guilty about Me Time - unless you get enough of it, you can't be there for other people.

Don't ever feel guilty over self-indulgence. After all, you're talking to the woman who went out and bought a sports car, when she got dumped by a gf and needed a little Pick Me Up

You sound an absolute rock - maybe so much so that it takes your family by surprise when you can't keep up the strong front indefinitely.

Keep being good to yourself, Kitten - you're worth it.

 

[impressive]

 

[Black Tulip]

Give yourself a big hug, sweetheart!

I learned the hard way how important it is to take care of yourself first.
I had to lose ME completely, before that wisdom dawned on me.



There's nothing wrong with giving, but you have to spare some warmth for yourself too.

 

[AppleBiter]

I am all too familiar with this feeling, sweets. You shouldn't have to hide your pain, comfort others when you need comforting, or be asked to give of yourself when you have nothing left to give. But, the world keeps spinning and, unfortunately, it keeps demanding of us, even when we feel like it should've stopped and let us off. So, sometimes, we have to give ourselves a break. We have to be the ones to stop the world for ourselves -- turn off the phone, lock the door, treat ourselves to whatever luxury will make us feel better, and cry until we can't catch our breath.

Much love to you and may you find some peace.

 

[SensualCealy]

Sweetheart- I was thinking of your wereabouts the other day. Hadn't seen you on and wondered if you had come back- Glad to see it, no matter what state you are in!

I completely see where you are at. I am the one that holds the family together too. I arrange everything, from birthdays, to get togethers, showers etc. My brothers are three useless tits when it comes to family!

My Grandma died in 1999, her and I were bestfriends. I took her grocery shopping, I took her clothes shopping, I took her to drs appointments, I took her to get meds. I knew her pin numbers for every account she had, just in case she couldnt get out and needed something. Rarely did I use her money, I owed it to her to do these things for her.
I spent summers at her house, keeping her company when grandpa was at work.
Every year on my birthday, they took me to the Ponderosa for my birthday dinner, in matching outfits of course! She would surprise me with a brand new dress, or jumper matching hers- usually big gaudaweful flowers, but we matched! lol
...
Laying in Palitive care I whispered into her ear as she lay in a drug induced sleep , "Grandma, its time to go be with Grandpa, its your time to relax and have fun!"
Her eyes opened in such a shocking mannor, looking straight into me.

She died that night after visiting hours were closed.

I like to hope, that giving her permission to leave is what she needed to stop her suffering- she had pancreatic Cancer.

I cried three huge tears at her funeral and that has been it.
Ive only dreamt about her once since her death and it worries me that I dont "see" her more often.

My mom has since lost her brother in June to Cancer, and when she had her mamio gram last month, they found two lumps. Neither of them are to worry about they say, but after having breast cancer and then finding more lumps, having them removed, now she said, leave them alone, what ever happens happens.

I know she hasnt been happy with my dad for years, but she is proving a point to everyone that knew her when they got married- They would stay together for life, if it killed them. My dad is 17 yrs older than my mom, and everyone said it would never work. They proved them wrong in a way.

When mom and dad were diagnosed within two weeks of each other with Colon and breast cancers, I was the one that went to treatments with them. Why just me, when I have three brothers, because if mom or dad was to sick to go with the other, they would need someone else to take them. I needed them to know Id be there for them if something went wrong. Just as they have for me.

Sorry for taking over the thread Emerald, I just wanted you to see I am totally in your shoes on this one. If you EVER need someone to talk to, Im only a PM away, any time, night or day!
C

 

[Guest]

Eventually for the family "rocks" there comes a point when you wind up hitting the wall.

Hard.

If you're lucky, you'll have others around who will help pick you up when that happens. But it probably won't be the members of your family, as I've painfully discovered.

But that's OK, I've also found. Some people are rocks and some are not. It is difficult if not impossible to change your nature.

But you should never feel guilty for allowing yourself to feel taken care of, pampered, indulged, in essence, for feeling the same way you've allowed others you've helped to feel.

to everyone on this thread.

 

[EmeraldKitten]

It's good to have the insight, and to know how others feel.
Thank you all for taking the time to post. I appreciate it~ I really do.

Its funny.. as much as it sounded like I was complaining, I'm not.
In fact, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I'm honored to know that my friends and family can depend on me.
That they feel its safe to lean on me. I think it's wonderful.
But, you've got to take care of you, before you can take care of anyone else.

When was it.. hmm, I was probably 19, and having issues with my dad being a druggie.
His worthless-waste-of-space-pyscho-piece-of-shit-girlfriend called me one night when I was at work and we were talking, then it turned into a shit slinging contest.
At one point, she was telling me stuff, and said, "Oh I don't know why I'm telling you this, you talk to him."
I replied with, "No, I don't. He's too busy playing weekend daddy at your house to call his real kids."
And so the conversation continued.. she at one point said she'd 'make' him call me, and if that didnt work, that she would call me when my dad was around, and then pretend I was her son to get him on the phone with me.
I was stunned, hurt, and fucking mad. lol.
Then she says, "We've got to fix what's wrong within ourselves before we can try to help other people."

At the time, I was so damn mad, and I wanted to know what in the hell she thought was wrong with me. She was a stupid bitch, spewing forth nonsense from her ugly mouth.
Ironically, now, looking back at the comment, she was right.
Not that there's something wrong with me that needs fixing, lol , but the concept of taking care of you before you can take care of other people.


One day a couple months ago at work, I had a complete and total breakdown. Over lettuce. Yes, that's right, lol. (It was more than lettuce, it was an issue with another manager that was a worthless one not doing her job, and me getting stuck doing it. Over and over, day after day.)
I'd had it up to my ass, and I bust out crying. We're talking a hardcore, sobbing, cryin' fit.
And it felt good. I oughta have emotional outbursts more often.
But I was just at a breaking point... it wasnt just the lettuce, lol, it was my life in general.

So since then, I've tried to back off on trying to fix everyone and everything at the same time. I'm taking less upon myself, and trying to look out for me too.


I hope everyone that reads this thread, or posts in it feels better.
I know I do.

Thanks ya guys, for letting me know I'm not an awful person, lol.

es and *hugs* for everyone.
I appreciate your replies more than you know.

 

[matriarch]

You know what I think of you, and the size of your heart and soul.

You're not a bad person, could never be a bad person, and definitely someone to have around for support and enjoyment.

That said, I agree with every thing you and the others have said.

You HAVE to make time for you, to pamper you, to allow your troubles to soak and drift away, if only for a short time. If not, they...and everyone else's problems will simply swallow you up.

Just carry on being a delightful, caring girl.

 

[SensualCealy]

Kitten, you are family here and never forget that!
Just so you know, if we can help 'fix' your problems we will- Because we are family!

Hugs and kisses and a shoulder is ready any time you need it!
C

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Mat~ I didn't see that you'd posted until just now.
Thank you. Now I remember why I like ya, LOL.
Just kidding.

Cealy, thanks again.
A shoulder is here for you too if ya need it.

Yeah, the whole 'family' thing is why I decided to come back. To hell with it, lol.


You guys are all awesome.
I'll have to put this thread in my favorites for those days when I'm feeling less than wonderful, lol.