What’s the most dignified way to ask a woman out on a date?

[erotica_n_s]

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The question is NOT how do I get her to say “yes”.

The question is – how to minimize the risk of embarrassment (to both of us), if she’s not interested?

I’m not the kind of guy who can effortlessly flirt with women at bars… I think I’m more the kind of guy who would prefer to approach a woman whom I’ve known for at least for a few months…

I’d appreciate advice on this… especially from women – what’s the most dignified way for a guy to approach a woman?

Should I say “Coffee some time?” and then look into her eyes searchingly, trying to study her reaction?

Or should I say something like, “You can say ‘no’ to this… and it would be fine, but I’ve got to ask you this – how does coffee sound?” Or would that sound severely lacking in confidence?

I’ve tried self-deprecating humour – with the intention of being as “non-threatening” as possible – but women seem to find that kind of thing “off-putting”… e.g., I told her about a scene from "The Big Bang Theory", where Barry Kripke refers to the nerds as all being “pathetic and creepy and can’t girls”, and I said I could relate to that – she seemed irritated by that…

Incidentally, there was one occasion when, in the office, one of our mutual friends, Ms K, half-jokingly suggested that me and Ms G should get together some time (because me and Ms G happened to be the only two single people in the office at that time – in an office with five people, and Ms G, by her own account, was actively “looking”). Ms G started giggling. I thought she was embarrassed at the suggestion, so I half-jokingly said “I never date people I work with,” intending to indicate that I would always be professional in my interaction with her – hoping to spare her any embarrassment – but she actually appeared irritated/annoyed with that comment, almost as if I had misread a subtle cue, as if she had expected me to take that opportunity to ask her out? But she did say “me neither”, and stopped smiling. I don’t know what she expected. But I actually did find her attractive, and in fact I secretly felt flattered at the suggestion – I was flattered that anybody would suggest me and Ms J as a possibility. But at that time, I didn’t know how to react, so I tried to remove any “tension” from the situation.


Anyway, back to the original question - advice/thoughts folks…




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[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I simply pose the question clearly and directly. I've been known to ask for sex the first time I meet a woman. Many said YES.

 

[Conager]

If you are concerned about your dignity, don't bother. Rejection is part of the process. If you cannot handle rejection they will sense that and reject you out of hand rather than risk having to reject you later.

 

[Ruffian_13]

Definitely don't go the "You can say no..." route. To me, that screams of a lack of self-confidence. Same with the self-deprecating humour - it can sometimes come off as a cry for attention depending on the type of guy you are. An outgoing, confident, extrovert type could maybe pull it off, but I wouldn't say it was a good way to go either.

Just straight up asking if she'd like to go for coffee sometime would be best! And no weird soul-searching eye-gazing, just be friendly and genuine Good luck!

 

[nurseclynn]

Yes, as the above poster recommends.

Be plain. Ask her to coffee. Ask her to lunch. Ask her to go on an outing...to a museum... or a walk in a park...Something you have some reason to believe she would enjoy (and you would too).
Be genuine. Don't be cute about it. Don't make a joke of it. Keep the pressure off by meeting her there. Keep it casual. Go dutch. Unless it feels right at the time to treat her. And if possible, try to schedule it, so if it goes well, the first date can go long....because neither of you want it to end.

If she says she's not interested...you are both still keep your dignity. And likely will be able to have a conversation in the future.

Good luck.

~clynn

 

[lovecraft68]

I go with direct, but polite, don't try to be smooth, don't try to come on strong(but also do sound confident and not nervous) and most important be yourself.

You say you like to ask women out that you've known awhile so whatever it is she likes about you as a friend up to that point, don't abandon it, be the guy she's known all along.

A simple, "Hey, how would you like to go for dinner Friday night?"

If you get the surprised response of "As a date?" or "are you asking me out" simeply come clean and say yes, you're interested in getting to know here better (then cross your fingers)

If she turns you down the fact you were cool about asking will cut off any embarrassment on your part because it wouldn't turn into her telling her friends what a dink you were, she'll respect the fact you didn't play games with her.

You could try a little humor and if you get "are you asking me out" you could try "Um, that depends on how you answer..." but only if she has a good sense of humor as well...

Just be you

 

[Thebee123]

Best answer

Definitely don't go the "You can say no..." route. To me, that screams of a lack of self-confidence. Same with the self-deprecating humour - it can sometimes come off as a cry for attention depending on the type of guy you are. An outgoing, confident, extrovert type could maybe pull it off, but I wouldn't say it was a good way to go either.

Just straight up asking if she'd like to go for coffee sometime would be best! And no weird soul-searching eye-gazing, just be friendly and genuine Good luck!

Is above.

 

[Tricktroll]

I usually walk up, club her over the head, and take her back to my bridge.

 

[may_I_please]

"Would you like to have coffee with me?"

 

[may_I_please]

Although to be honest I don't ever recall being asked out for coffee...for dinner, to the theatre, for drinks

But coffee? It's a little noncommittal isn't it

 

[erotica_n_s]

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But coffee? It's a little noncommittal isn't it

Re: "Non-committal..." - Well, if I'm honest, that's the idea...

I'm NOT looking for a relationship, I'm NOT looking for sex...

Just one single meeting, a little casual chat - a "date" that actually sits safely on the line of convenient ambiguity between friendship and romance... coffee seems like the "gentlest" way to go for it...

But come to think of it, do other people even do that? I've never dated anyone, I come from a socio-cultural background that discourages dating, and encourages "arranged marriages"... so I don't know what the "rules" of dating are... I suspect there might be many other guys out there like me, so maybe this thread is for all of us...



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[may_I_please]

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Re: "Non-committal..." - Well, if I'm honest, that's the idea...

I'm NOT looking for a relationship, I'm NOT looking for sex...

Just one single meeting, a little casual chat - a "date" that actually sits safely on the line of convenient ambiguity between friendship and romance... coffee seems like the "gentlest" way to go for it...

But come to think of it, do other people even do that? I've never dated anyone, I come from a socio-cultural background that discourages dating, and encourages "arranged marriages"... so I don't know what the "rules" of dating are... I suspect there might be many other guys out there like me, so maybe this thread is for all of us...



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What are you looking for ?

Your post makes me think immediate friendzone but the rules of dating have changed since I was single

 

[Christopher2012]

Isn't that just a conversation then? Do you need to date for that? This question made me Google what the many reasons for dating are. I would assume that when a person is asked out for coffee, dinner, or whatever, they're assuming the possibility of a relationship of some kind.

IMO, which isn't much, asking a guy/girl out should involve dignity. Otherwise, you're not respecting him/her as a potential date. I mean, it does not have to be done super up-tight or serious but generally speaking, the asking part is the dignity. If you don't ask, there is not dignity because by definition, you don't meet the criteria of being dignified.

Semantics.

 

[erotica_n_s]

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...What are you looking for ?

LOL... In all honesty, I'm not even sure myself...

I'm not even actively "looking" for anything...

I mean, I'm not necessarily going out there trying actively to meet someone new...

The thing is though, over the years, I've met many interesting women at work, or in other situations, and I've thought sometimes - I'd like to take her out - maybe just once, and genuinely with the intention of getting to know her, rather than with the expectation of anything more intimate...

The point is, I'm not going to register with a dating website specifically looking for someone to date... but sometimes you meet someone by chance, and you find them interesting...

And the thing is - sometimes, when I'm attracted to a lady, I'm not necessarily convinced that I want to be in a relationship with her... but when she ends up dating someone else - now that's when I start to feel jealous, and wish I'd asked her out myself...

And re: "friendzone" - I thought, by definition, a woman doesn't do one-to-one dates with "friendzoners"? i.e. I thought that the "friend zone" is somewhere a woman puts people whom she suspects are romantically interested in her, but she has firmly decided she's not romantically interested in them? Whereas if you've been on a one-to-one date with someone once, it doesn't mean you've started a romantic relationship with them, but there is at least the theoretical possibility of a future romantic relationship, even if it turns out to be in the distant future?



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[Christopher2012]

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And the thing is - sometimes, when I'm attracted to a lady, I'm not necessarily convinced that I want to be in a relationship with her... but when she ends up dating someone else - now that's when I start to feel jealous, and wish I'd asked her out myself...
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If you feel jealous over a girl who you haven't asked out, that's a huge problem. Regret may be what you meant, but jealousy at that point is not a good thing.

 

[NightL]

so I don't know what the "rules" of dating are...

You are again over analysing... It seems you view/fear anything you have little experience with must come packaged with a whole lot of rules and these rules are in the ownership of the everyone else group that you are not a part of.

You bundle yourself up into a big ball of anxiety then do absolutely nothing to change your situation... over and over again. Every time you write here is you asking 'what are the rules?" and every time people offer up suggestions for you, erotica_n_s, you run.

Stop looking outwardly for your "new" set of rules. Be sincere, be polite and don't stare at her breasts while you ask her out. Don't pretend to be anyone you are not - you want her to like you not John Wayne (or Kunal Nayyar).

Before you run off again I will offer up, yet again, a suggestion - use your awkwardness, your naivety - tell her you have never been to a bar before - tell her you have never had a drink of alcohol. Tell her you want to experience this but you feel a little shy and would she join you for your first bar/club experience.

So have you stepped into a bar yet? Have you ordered a drink yet? I bet you have not... so there you go, here is a way to be honest and genuine and ultimately just yourself.

 

[Paul_Chance]

If the intention is to simply get to know a person better, there are a couple of things you can do, depending on the environment, to simply get to know them a little better.

In the work environment:

Make it a point to say "Hi" and "Good Morning" and talk to everyone around you. Be ready to share a little anecdote, tell a little story, that is neutral and friendly without being overly personal. You'll find if you share a little about yourself, most people will be happy to share a little back. Then, in the work environment, simply tell them you're going to get a cup of coffee (or tea, or whatever), and ask if they want to join you. Then, have a simple conversation about something that interests you. Dodge politics, money, religion, and relationships. (Great conversations, but mine fields when you don't know someone.)

In a shared social environment (i.e neighbors, friends of friends, etc.): Pretty much the same as above. Don't put any pressure on them, simply make the offer and politely wave goodbye if they decline.

Really, at the end of the day, it comes down to simply opening up and sharing a bit without over-sharing. Best icebreaker type tip I ever got, years a go, was be prepared with three anecdotes or commentaries about something each day. Comment on a news story. Talk about a sporting event. Comment of a great book your read or a great movie you've seen. Little stories about the things that interest you - having that anecdote ready will you get past hello.

If you're socially uncomfortable or awkward, there is a great book I would recommend called "Contact: The First Four Minutes". It's all about starting and sustaining a conversation with strangers.

 

[to9ashiyuuta]

Dude, you don't need to worry so much. Whatever you're looking for, whether it's a date or just a simple hangout. Grab your balls, take a deep breath walk upto her and ask her for a hangout or a date, whatever you want. Be straight forward, don't beat around the bush, don't confuse her and don't give her chances to say no like the others have said. Be straight up, and ask. You're much more likely to get accepted if you've respected them and all.

Never be scared of rejection! It's not worth it!

 

[fire_breeze]

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LOL... In all honesty, I'm not even sure myself...

I'm not even actively "looking" for anything...

I mean, I'm not necessarily going out there trying actively to meet someone new...

The thing is though, over the years, I've met many interesting women at work, or in other situations, and I've thought sometimes - I'd like to take her out - maybe just once, and genuinely with the intention of getting to know her, rather than with the expectation of anything more intimate...

The point is, I'm not going to register with a dating website specifically looking for someone to date... but sometimes you meet someone by chance, and you find them interesting...

And the thing is - sometimes, when I'm attracted to a lady, I'm not necessarily convinced that I want to be in a relationship with her... but when she ends up dating someone else - now that's when I start to feel jealous, and wish I'd asked her out myself...

And re: "friendzone" - I thought, by definition, a woman doesn't do one-to-one dates with "friendzoners"? i.e. I thought that the "friend zone" is somewhere a woman puts people whom she suspects are romantically interested in her, but she has firmly decided she's not romantically interested in them? Whereas if you've been on a one-to-one date with someone once, it doesn't mean you've started a romantic relationship with them, but there is at least the theoretical possibility of a future romantic relationship, even if it turns out to be in the distant future?

Why not just ask the lady in question if she wants to go out for lunch or coffee? There is nothing committal about that, it is generally accepted that it's in a friendship-sense and lunches and coffees tend to last no more than an hour and half long, if that.

I go out on 'one-on-one' dates with friends of all genders all the time. It simply means that I enjoy their company and we have time to get together and share a meal/beverage while we enjoy our companies. Forget the so-called rules - they do not exist.

Instead of viewing women as some sort of unattainable, alien, fragile creature who must be treated with rituals and rules that is akin to touching a unicorn, why not view us as humans, who enjoys social interactions, who are as varied as men? We are not that different than you, you know . Women are persons too .

 

[coati]

Don't listen to any of the previous posts. Here's the real story. The most dignified way to as a woman out on a date is to:

1) Meticulously dress yourself in mid-nineteen-century English garb, complete with a powdered wig, a three-sided hat, those pants that look like tights, a starched shirt with puffy sleeves, a formal neck scarf, a traditional formal vest, and a black riding cape.

2) As the target of your affection approaches a public forum, such as a grocery store or the break room of her work place, sweep into her presence with a grand flourish, with your flowing cape accentuating your entrance.

3) Starting with an outstretched arm, with cape hanging below like a bat's wing, gracefully arc that arm to your waist, and proceed to bow deeply over caped arm as you stand before her. Hold the bowed pose for two full seconds.

4) Ascend slowly, taking her hand in both of yours, bringing the back of her hand to your lips for a brief but discrete kiss.

5) Then, abruptly, release her hand, stand erect, and state clearly, "M'Lady, I humbly request the pleasure of your company at yon Starbucks."

That is the most dignified way to ask a woman out on a date. I think I saw in in a movie or something, and it looked really classy. That's the sure-fire way to do this. Good luck.

 

[erotica_n_s]

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Don't listen to any of the previous posts. Here's the real story. The most dignified way to as a woman out on a date is to:

1) Meticulously dress yourself in mid-nineteen-century English garb, complete with a powdered wig, a three-sided hat, those pants that look like tights, a starched shirt with puffy sleeves, a formal neck scarf, a traditional formal vest, and a black riding cape.

2) As the target of your affection approaches a public forum, such as a grocery store or the break room of her work place, sweep into her presence with a grand flourish, with your flowing cape accentuating your entrance.

3) Starting with an outstretched arm, with cape hanging below like a bat's wing, gracefully arc that arm to your waist, and proceed to bow deeply over caped arm as you stand before her. Hold the bowed pose for two full seconds.

4) Ascend slowly, taking her hand in both of yours, bringing the back of her hand to your lips for a brief but discrete kiss.

5) Then, abruptly, release her hand, stand erect, and state clearly, "M'Lady, I humbly request the pleasure of your company at yon Starbucks."

That is the most dignified way to ask a woman out on a date. I think I saw in in a movie or something, and it looked really classy. That's the sure-fire way to do this. Good luck.

..........LOL...

..........I guess if that doesn't work, nothing will...

..........At least she can't say that I didn't make an effort...

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[coati]

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..........LOL...

..........I guess if that doesn't work, nothing will...

..........At least she can't say that I didn't make an effort...

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So glad you saw the humor in this advice/satire. Sounds like you'd be fun to be around on a date.

 

[erotica_n_s]

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Well, we live in a world where a Nobel-prize-winning scientist had to leave his job because of humourous (or at least, intended-as-humourous) comments he made regarding the "troublesome" nature of working with people you may be attracted to.

That's the kind of thing that makes me think I'd have to tread real carefully with workplace romance. Got to be careful not to offend anyone.


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[Christopher2012]

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Well, we live in a world where a Nobel-prize-winning scientist had to leave his job because of humourous (or at least, intended-as-humourous) comments he made regarding the "troublesome" nature of working with people you may be attracted to.

That's the kind of thing that makes me think I'd have to tread real carefully with workplace romance. Got to be careful not to offend anyone.


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Let's set aside the fact that workplace romances are a recipe for disaster. Let's just set that small little fact over here where it is not taken into consideration.

He made a sexist comment at a World Conference of Science Journalists. It's not like he said it among friends and word spread. He said it for the entire governing body of that entity to hear. That's pretty dumb.

And side note, regardless of whether the comment is or is not sexist does not matter. It's way too borderline to say at that time.

 

[STRC]

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The question is NOT how do I get her to say “yes”.

The question is – how to minimize the risk of embarrassment (to both of us), if she’s not interested?

I’m not the kind of guy who can effortlessly flirt with women at bars… I think I’m more the kind of guy who would prefer to approach a woman whom I’ve known for at least for a few months…

I’d appreciate advice on this… especially from women – what’s the most dignified way for a guy to approach a woman?

Should I say “Coffee some time?” and then look into her eyes searchingly, trying to study her reaction?

Or should I say something like, “You can say ‘no’ to this… and it would be fine, but I’ve got to ask you this – how does coffee sound?” Or would that sound severely lacking in confidence?

I’ve tried self-deprecating humour – with the intention of being as “non-threatening” as possible – but women seem to find that kind of thing “off-putting”… e.g., I told her about a scene from "The Big Bang Theory", where Barry Kripke refers to the nerds as all being “pathetic and creepy and can’t girls”, and I said I could relate to that – she seemed irritated by that…

Incidentally, there was one occasion when, in the office, one of our mutual friends, Ms K, half-jokingly suggested that me and Ms G should get together some time (because me and Ms G happened to be the only two single people in the office at that time – in an office with five people, and Ms G, by her own account, was actively “looking”). Ms G started giggling. I thought she was embarrassed at the suggestion, so I half-jokingly said “I never date people I work with,” intending to indicate that I would always be professional in my interaction with her – hoping to spare her any embarrassment – but she actually appeared irritated/annoyed with that comment, almost as if I had misread a subtle cue, as if she had expected me to take that opportunity to ask her out? But she did say “me neither”, and stopped smiling. I don’t know what she expected. But I actually did find her attractive, and in fact I secretly felt flattered at the suggestion – I was flattered that anybody would suggest me and Ms J as a possibility. But at that time, I didn’t know how to react, so I tried to remove any “tension” from the situation.


Anyway, back to the original question - advice/thoughts folks…




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Just approach her and state," I have become very impressed by you and I would like to get to know you better; would you have coffee; lunch; dinner; What ever with me some time?" She will say yes or no! Go for it!