Well, I've done it.

[notgonnatell]

This is both my maiden post and my maiden submission. I much prefer writing stories but since this poem was written long ago (about a lesbian crush), I decide to dip my toes in with it. I welcome feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100177

Thanks,
NGT

 

[WickedEve]

Hi
The poem's not bad. The bird metaphor is fine, but the rhyme/rhythm (especially in the first stanza) is really what hurts this piece. A poet needs to do rhyme very well to make a poem work. I think if you try free verse it may read better.

I played around with the first stanza, and there are many ways to write this. Here's a suggestion:

Your Original:
I saw the bird flying in the sky
beautiful, sleek and sensual.
She called to me with a secretive sigh
"invite me down if you will".
I saw the bird flying in the sky
but knew that she is forbidden, not casual

My Revision:
A bird, sleek and sensual,
called to me with a serene sigh,
"Let me come down to you."
I watched her in lofty allure,
but knew she was for the sky.

And there's still a little rhyme in it.

 

[notgonnatell]

Thanks

I agree that it needs to be freed from the ryhme. That is why I put it away ten years ago. I am not convinced that free verse is completely the answer though - I was going for a sing song rythym. I am going to work on it - it is frustrating that I know what I want to say but it ends up sounding forced.

NGT

 

[destinie21]

I thought the poem was okay but what I would suggest if it's not conveying what you want to write another built on the original frame work but using the words that come to you and to hell with rhyming or a,b formation. If you want the rhyming the I suggest a rhyming dictionary/thesarus because if you just try to rhyme of the top of your head it will sound forced and not flow well because it's hard to rhyme wors like sensual unless your next sentence ends in consentual which I highly recomend you not do BTW. Also I don't particularly care for rhyming poetry unless we're talking about the classics or Dr Suess. It always comes off sounding a bit cheesy. (IMHO)

here's a piece I wrote about a similar subject (first lesbian girlfriend)

Memory
It became the high point of my day.
A memory
So sweet it’s burned into my mind
She stood behind them
Unassuming and diffident
Rarely speaking
Waiting calmly
She’d quickly grasp my hand
with a smile that started in her eyes and meandered to her lips
Ignoring the stares she’d whisk me away.

and also
a piece that I wrote that rhymes

Secret

In the secret of the darkness
In the depths of my mind
love washes over me

The love I imagine the
The love I deny

If I should pass you
Or we should someday meet
I would not know you with my eyes

Only our hearts would know one another’s embrace
for our souls are intertwined


I've also posted a few rhyming pieces although I don't care for them Just to see how they'd be recived. As this is a erotic site and I posted in the non erotic category I've recived only a few votes and views w/o any feedback but else where they go over well enough though I often get people such as myself who dislike it but just as many love it none have sent feedback that were split so I guess this is just one of those things you like or don't. take this all with a grain of salt as it's not set in stone just my 2 cents

 

[notgonnatell]

Thank you

"...what I would suggest if it's not conveying what you want to write another built on the original frame work but using the words that come to you and to hell with rhyming or a,b formation."

Thanks for this suggestion. I was locked into thinking that I couldn't fix it without just dumping it and starting over.

I loved both of the poems in your post but especially the first one. It is beautiful.

Your feedback (and WickedEve's) was very much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to critique a novice.

NGT

 

[ag2507]

Hi
The poem's not bad. The bird metaphor is fine, but the rhyme/rhythm (especially in the first stanza) is really what hurts this piece. A poet needs to do rhyme very well to make a poem work. I think if you try free verse it may read better.

I played around with the first stanza, and there are many ways to write this. Here's a suggestion:

Your Original:
I saw the bird flying in the sky
beautiful, sleek and sensual.
She called to me with a secretive sigh
"invite me down if you will".
I saw the bird flying in the sky
but knew that she is forbidden, not casual

My Revision:
A bird, sleek and sensual,
called to me with a serene sigh,
"Let me come down to you."
I watched her in lofty allure,
but knew she was for the sky.

And there's still a little rhyme in it.

I like this revision but don't like the first two lines: in particular "sleek and sensual"


She called, serene and sensual
effortlessly soaring sure
her words scarcely a yearning sigh
"Let me come down to you."
I watched her in lofty allure,
but knew she was for the sky.

Let the reader assume a bird, you don't need to hammer everything home. Don't be afraid of rhyme: it only stands out if you are not consistent - notice here that by adding a rhyme the awkwardsness of the existing rhyme is reduced.

AG