well damn

[Andella]

The first erotic story I have ever written was approved and posted. Part 2 was posted the next day. Now I have already recieved some feedback from the 1st part and I want to thank you all for the suggestions.

Several of you have told me it is a big no no to write in the first person. I just wanted to say that I thought about that when I wrote it and I tried some of the story both ways. I personaly liked the story better in first person because it seemed to draw me into the story more, made me imagine myself in Jess's place which turned me on more. But I guess that was just me, so the next story I write I will take everyone's suggestions and apply them.

Oh and for the person that said the story was BS that it would never happen, I didn't realize that the story was supposed to be believeable. I thought the story was just suppposed to be enjoyable. Sorry you didn't enjoy it.

Thanks again for your comments everyone.

 

[Guest]

I don't think it's a big no-no for first person, though I know alot of people think that about second person. I think with first person, you have to be very careful that the story is not littered with "I"s all over the place.

How about putting up a link so that we can read the stories?

 

[MLyons]

Here are the links to Andella's stories:

Do I Get the Job

I Got the Job

Although I certainly agree with Crimson Maiden about 1st person, I think it can work and I don't think it's necessarily something that should be discarded outright, I did kind of have trouble with the present tense choice you made to tell the stories. That could just be personal choice. I guess I'm just unsure of what reason you had to make it present tense. To me, and I could be... misinterpretting myself here, this choice just further stretched the believability issues. Why and how is Jess telling us these things as they are happening to her?

Beyond that though, the first person choice didn't bother me. I did have a heck of a time relating to any of the characters however. It wasn't so much the believability that I had issue with--believability is relative, as long as you can create characters and a situation that is congruent, that is PLAUSIBLE within the universe you are creating. I think in that sense, there were some issues. What motivation did Bobby have to "punish" Jess sexually by sending her to this unscrupulous and seemingly unsympathetic character? What motivation does Jess have to stay there and let this happen to her, and not just walk out the door? If she's turned on by the whole thing and didn't WANT to leave--wanting to see what dangerous things were going to take place--I just didn't believe it.

For me the "goals" of Tad and Audrey are at best, strange. That doesn't necessarily mean they couldn't be valid, it just means that they might not have been explored enough to give us an understanding of how exploiting Jess sexually linked to her calling and getting back together with her ex-boyfriend.

Finally, there were some spelling issues, and some grammar problems here and there. Nothing huge, but enough to distract. You have a good clear voice in your stories, and a good sense of flow and build-up, but for whatever reason, I just didn't feel the heat at all. There wasn't enough for me to go on, and not enough characterization and plausibility for me to immerse myself into Jess's world.

I hope I'm not giving you unsolicited criticism. Lord knows I'm far from perfect either. As always, write what turns you on, and take care not to listen to everyone's feedback and lose yourself in the process.

Keep writing!

 

[Andella]

hmmm

Well, I thank you again for your comments. After getting tons of PM's about my writing, and suggestions about *clears throat* what to do with my writing, it looks as though I wasn't meant for this.
I think I will just write for my own pleasure and not submit them.
For those of you that sent me the messages, there were just to many of you to reply to so this post will have to do, I am sorry my story "sucked" so bad. I bid you all a good day and wish you all joy in your writing and reading.

For those of you that encouraged me, I am most grateful and sincerly appreciate the kind words.

 

[MLyons]

Wow... I think that's terribly unfortunate. My thoughts were not meant to elicit that reaction at all. I realize my post was not the only feedback you've gotten, but I wanted to at least make clear that I was simply trying to give you some detailed and constructive thoughts about your story that you can take or leave as you wish.

I wish you would reconsider your decision to stop sharing your stories. I think you might disappoint a lot of the readers that really liked them! If I was the impetus for this decision, that makes me especially disappointed in myself for my unwitting callousness. I apologize if that is the case.

 

[Andella]

No MLyons, I am grateful for your words. You were not the one I was speaking of at all.
I am sure the ones I speak of know of whom I speak about.
I expected some negative feedback. It is only natural, that is true with any story, poem, movie, etc. I was just not expecting some of the comments that I recieved in PM's. Some of them were truly shocking for me. I have read some of the posts in the forum on feedback of other stories and was expecting some bad comments but some of the comments I recieved were really very rude and I think, uncalled for. I am at least grateful that the worst of my feedback was in PM's.
I won't post any of the comments for I have read the rules of posting in the forums and I do not wish to break any of them. I hope I haven't done so already with what I HAVE said. If so, I do appologise!

 

[Cherrie]

Wow... I think that's terribly unfortunate...

I wish you would reconsider your decision to stop sharing your stories. I think you might disappoint a lot of the readers that really liked them!

I agree with MLyons.

It would be such a pity to quit due to the callousness of some peoples comments and negative feedback. There are so many good writers at Lit, who would bend over backwards (no pun intended) to help a new writer.

It is a shame Andella, that you have let a few, spoil the enjoyment of the many. After all, in your own words, "I am new to all this"

Take my advice and keep at it. I personally think that you will develope and find a style of your own.

 

[tn_greeneyez]

Don't give up!!!!! Just get better and better and show the nay sayers that you've got what it takes. Anyway........they're your work and your "babies"............so hang in there and just keep writing.

 

[destinie21]

always write for yourself and improve where you can. Don't pay to much attention to feedback. Some people send me ridiculous things when a story is posted others send me the best reviews both types of feedback are with me people who "hate" my work obviously didn't "hate" it enough to stop reading and click the back button and people who love it well to each his own and all that . Keep on submitting

 

[Zanzibar]

No MLyons, I am grateful for your words. You were not the one I was speaking of at all.
I am sure the ones I speak of know of whom I speak about.
I expected some negative feedback. It is only natural, that is true with any story, poem, movie, etc. I was just not expecting some of the comments that I recieved in PM's. Some of them were truly shocking for me. I have read some of the posts in the forum on feedback of other stories and was expecting some bad comments but some of the comments I recieved were really very rude and I think, uncalled for. I am at least grateful that the worst of my feedback was in PM's.
I won't post any of the comments for I have read the rules of posting in the forums and I do not wish to break any of them. I hope I haven't done so already with what I HAVE said. If so, I do apologise!

Welcome to Lit. As a new author myself, I've gotten my share of hammering comments out of the blue on some stories and poems. Here's a link to one person's manner in dealing with them:

Dealing with Negative Criticism

and from one of my own feedback comments to that same post:

Then I got a valuable lesson from someone after I got done venting about how I felt to a friend and coach after a particularly nasty piece of feedback.

They asked me how many pieces of feedback I had gotten from folks around me (in this case readers). Then they asked how many liked it, vs how this writer had felt about it. I told them and then they asked me the question that brought it all to light for me....

If most of your readers give you positive feedback, and this one writer gives you this piece of dreck from out of left field with no supporting justification, just basically a YOU SUCK letter... why are you paying any attention to it?

They then pointed out a little process to me.
1) Read it.
2) Evaluate the source. (Is it a writer/author that has many works published, or is an active editor/writer/reviewer or an anonymous comment tossed in from the dark?)
3) Determine if it has merit. (Did they say you mixed your tenses or your characters names, recommend you really need to have a more intimate relation with a spell checker or an editor -or- just flame you and move on.)
4) How many of your critics/reviewers agree with them. If more then one person says it, its more likely to be valid. Look at your work. If its an isolated comment, ignore it!
5) If its valid, adjust your work accordingly. If not, toss it in the trash where it belongs.
6) Move on to the next one!"

Oh, you might also think about using the volunteer editor program here as well, and get comments or a first look at your stories before you publish them. An unbiased eye on your side can't hurt, and I know I have someone look over my stories before I submit many times. When I read it, it reads the way I want it to, not necessarily the way it really is on paper.

Good luck and keep on writing.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hi Andella darling,

I haven't read your stories, and I don't know what kind of feedback you received, but you should know that there are some people here who just send off flaming feedback without even reading the story in question. I've received it, and plenty of others have too. It seems to be the cyber version of jumping out from behind a tree and exposing themselves, trying to shock and hurt you.

Don't let it get you down.

---dr.M.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read your story “Do I Get the Job?” after seeing your thread in the Story Feedback board, and I wanted to tell you: first-time BDSM in an office! I love it! One of my favorite fantasies.

Really, love, I saw where some people sent you some nasty feedback and I wanted to tell you that it’s totally unwarranted. Your story is quite good and very well-written, and I found it pretty exciting too.

There’s nothing at all wrong with first-person point of view. The present tense was odd at first, but by the time the action began, I didn’t even notice it anymore. Yes there were some typo’s, and some other mechanical glitches, but nothing major. Certainly nothing that ruined my enjoyment of the story.

I was especially impressed with your handling of dialogue, which was very realistic and believable. (Except: are you aware that once the character’s got hot, they stopped using contractions? They started saying “I am going to…” rather than “I’m going to…” Made it seem a bit stiff.) But your prose flows very nicely, you vary your sentence structure like a pro, and I could feel your excitement coming through the words, which is really a gift. You can’t be taught to do that. And the touch about his putting his finger in her first was very original. Very clever.

Of course we could have used some more self-examination on her part of why she lets him order her around like that, but that kind of stuff will come as you pick up experience. Besides, I knew why she did it: because some part of her really wanted to.

I’m prejudiced, because I do love office sex and submissive (but not slavish) women, but aside from that it really was a very nice little story. You can be proud.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[Andella]

Thanks everyone! You have made me feel better about my writing.

As for why Jess goes along with it and the whole reasoning issue...I was making it into a series and the big final climax was going to reveal all. However, after the first 2 parts, I am rethinking it. Not sure what to do now.

Anyway, Thanks again!

*hugs to you all*

 

[Im_your_Huckleberry]

I usually enjoy reading reviews by Mabeuse but in this case I couldn't disagree more with his write-up on your story, "Do I Get the Job?"

I read it when Andella first posted and couldn't get past the blouse-ripping scene. I don't mind first person narrative, but the present tense just didn't work here. The plot was not believable, the characters not compelling in any way, and the dialog was laughable. There was nothing there to attract me to muddle through the next posting to try to figure out the character's motivation (if any) let alone wait for the third. I didn't vote, just simply went on to the next tale.

So when the Doc posted, " Your story is quite good and very well-written, and I found it pretty exciting too," I went back to re-read thinking I must have missed something. BDSM ain't my bag but I made it through the second time and found nothing to change my original opinion.

To each his or her own I guess. Disregarding by genre bias, I just didn't think it was a well-written story.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

The first paragraph is off-putting because it's all short sentences, and all the same subject. "I did this. I did that. I did something else." No connectives, no complexity. Now this is usually the sign of a bad writer who's going to go clunk clunk all the way through, but you're not a bad writer, because it stops after that strange first paragraph, and you've got conjunctions and relative clauses and subordination, all the variety you need. (Except a little later you go back to the clunking once: "He has a big smile on his face. He has dark brown hair... . He looks to be... .")

Another problem is a very common one among authors here: normal writing while they're talking about streets and weather, then the sex begins and it's one huge paragraph. Paragraphs convey timing, so an intense act is likely to merit being broken down into detail, with the pauses or shifts of view that paragraph breaks bring.

The crux of the story wasn't believable, of course, but why should it be? But within the story, it was all pretty realistic, and the dialogue was natural. There's nothing significantly wrong with your writing. You come across as a beginner, but with a lot more potential than, I think, most Literotica writers.

 

[Im_your_Huckleberry]

The crux of the story wasn't believable, of course, but why should it be?

Rainbow, I think there should be at least a little something that compels my "willfull suspension of disbelief." For instance, the author could have inserted a short scene before the interview starts (in third person omnipotent) describing a phone conversation between Tad (the employer) and Bobby (the ex-boyfriend) that suggests that the subsequent actions necessarily follow. There is the inference later in the story the Bobby had set this up, but I would provide some clue in the beginning.

The mechanics of tense and voice aside, there were a couple of story points that trough me off a bit:

Currently I am unemployed but looking to change that today. I am on my way to a job interview and have been excited at the prospect of this job. I will be making more money than ever and working less hours.

This introduction suggests at least some knowledge of the job description, hours, pay, etc. But later in the story -

". . .What days are you available to work and what hours?"
"I can work Monday's thru Saturday's but I really need Sunday's off. As for hours, I am pretty flexible there."

There is no indication that she has any idea of hours and pay.

The author describes Tad as,

He looks to be a bit over weight but I can't really tell much at this point. . .(later). . .He looks to be close to my height but had to weigh at least a good 260 or 270 pounds.

Ok, so I look back and see that the protagonist, Jess, described herself as 5'7" tall. A guy, 5'7" and 270 lbs. is definately more than a bit overweight unless he's a professional wrestler or has the biggest ass this side of the Mississippi. That's no big deal if it works into the story - I expect to see some use of that characterization later. But there isn't. Through the entire sex-scene no mention of his "bulk" other than dick size is brought out.

I think when you throw in a hook in the introduction or in characterization it should have some payoff by the climax. Andella may bring it all together in subsequent chapters but as a stand alone posted story is was a distraction - to me anyway.

 

[Andella]

Well you did point out a couple of things that I wasn't thinking about at the time Huck....However do keep in mind that that was the first story I had ever written so there were bound to be lot's of mistakes. Then again, if I hadn't submitted it then I might never have known what to do and not to do in future stories.
I am submitting part 3 and hope it gets approved. It is written a little different and I want to see if it is recieved any better than the first 2. If it goes well then I am going to write a conclusion and submit it!

Thanks again all for you comments.

 

[MLyons]

Andella,

I'm glad to hear you changed your mind about writing and submittng your stories! I'll be looking forward to your third chapter. Let us know when it's up!

 

[Andella]

part 3

Ok everyone, part 3 has been approved and posted. Let me know what you think, is it anybetter than the first 2?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=144351

 

[Guest]

The Stupidest story on Lit, ever.

Welldone.

 

[Cherrie]

Well Done!

I just read your story Andella and congratulate you on your improvements. It was much easier and far more interesting to read than the last two.

Well done for a 100% improvement.

 

[Guest]

Yea, the first one sucked.

Allright. I'll give the third one a go.