Welcome Home, Ch. 01, feedback and criticism desired

[Michiro]

As a somewhat wide reader but infrequent writer, I've recently mustered up the courage to submit a piece. I like to think it's fairly good, but I know I can't genuinely judge my own work. So, I invite you all to read and hopefully enjoy, but please vote and comment and post your thoughts, so I can hopefully make the next chapter the best it could be.

It's a sweet, somewhat romantic light bondage piece, with a bit of food sex and no major sexual surprises, so it should be accessible to almost everyones' tastes.
The story is told primarily from 1st person of the husband.

Welcome Home, Ch. 01, by Michiro
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=357041

Thank you for your time and patience.

 

[robertreams]

"You're tenser than usual, making me worry a bit about your day, but at the same time it means you might be more receptive to the surprise I have in store for you.."(33 words)

How about: You're tenser than usual, worrying me a bit, but maybe your tension will enhance my (planned) surprise. (or similar)(17 words)

This is an example of how your writing can tend to be overly verbose. Alays avoid phrases such as "at the same time", "the fact that", etc. Also you use way too many qualifiers, "almost" "nearly" or the dreaded "just about". Using so many qualifiers shows you lack confidence in your ability as a writer. Never be afraid to say a thing straight out. I know we were all assigned "compositions" by those stupid English teachers by the number of pages or words , but generally speaking, less is more. Don't be afraid to use short sentences, They work!
One more thing, more description please. Concise, descriptions of things like cocks, pussies, cum, even eyes and abs, etc., make your story more real and unique to your reader. If the sex scenes were more intimate, my peter meter would have been quite high, as it is, I felt only a twinge or two. Please do not let my or anyone's comments discourage you. Write! Write! Write!