Weird-ass narration - breaking the 'rules'

[Icingsugar]

Hiyah.

I've got a little question. I'm working on a story, which has got a pretty weird narration by now. Without changing pace, typography or linefeed it can switch between the main character's inner dialogue or experiences, and a third person omniscient narrator.

To me it looks pretty neat. But that might just be because I was the one who wrote it, right? What I really need is some thoughts in how far I should dare to stretch this.

To get my drift, here are three lines from the project that demonstrates what I'm trying to do.


Carefully, as if trying to remeber the right set of instructions, she moved her fingers.

Will. Motion. Freedom. Ohmygod. Dearsweetjesusholyshitfuck! It worked!

She shot up into a sitting position, held up her hand and marvelled at the sight of her wriggling fingers.


Can I do that, or will it just bug the crap out of a reader?

 

[MathGirl]

Originally posted by Icingsugar Can I do that, or will it just bug the crap out of a reader?

Dear I,
You can do anything you want. Readability is another question. I think it would be much less confusing if you used italics for the person's thoughts.
MG

 

[Lauren Hynde]

That doesn't sound too weird to me, and I'd definitely do it without the italics, providing the third person narrator, omniscient or not, is at least always hovering on the shoulder of the main character.

In fact, this (intercalated with the narration) is the only natural way I can think of of using a character's stream of consciousness in a story. My personal thoughts very seldom can be quoted. Human mind simply doesn't work that way...

Go for it: I'm sure it will work.


No technique is bad if you do it right.

 

[raphy]

Absolutely 100% works fine, if you execute it just right. In fact, it's how I write most of my stuff *grins* .. It's a technique you find in people like William Gibson, Neal Stephenson and other 'cyberpunk' writers, because (I think) it's the neatest cleanest and least clumsy way of getting inside your protagonist's head.

When I do it, I try not to do it for all my characters, only the main one, because otherwise it *does* get confusing..

But I do shamelessly use that technique, especially for combat or action scenes, as it adds a more .. personal touch to the action. In essence it's a sort of 'cheating' way to get 1st person perspective into a 3rd person story.

An airduct above him, and a filing cabinet to give cover. Couldn't ask for anything better. He snaked an arm around the side of the cabinet, and hooked his foot around the leg of the desk behind him. Wait a second, then drag the desk a foot closer, let another burst off towards the guards, shoot the grille leading to the airduct just as the incediary goes off. Don't listen to the screams. Don't smell the burning flesh. Bounce again, once up onto the table, both pistols firing over the top of the filing cabinet. Flick your wrists up, let the reverse-action springs pull the pistols back into your sleeves, then leap for the duct.

Starts off 3rd person, ends up inside the protagonist's head, listening to his inner dialogue (obviously, "Flick your wrists up.." is him talking to himself.)

As I said, I absolutely LOVE writing in this way. I probably overuse it, hehe

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Ice-man,

I semi-agree with Raphy. However, I try to keep the shifts to a minimun and prefer to give some indication when I shift POV. I'm old and slow, but IMHO the abrupt switching back and forth can get tedious for many readers, especially in a novel. So while I'll do them, it's on a "fewer is better" basis and never done mid-paragraph or sentence.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[raphy]

I think what I'm trying to achieve when I do it a kind of subtle perspective-transferrence. I'm sort of hoping that my readers will get so caught up in the story I'm telling that they'll be halfway towards putting themselves into the protagonist's metaphorical shoes that they won't notice the shift from 3rd to 1st person.

For that moment, THEY (by proxy, via the narrator) become the protagonist, and hopefully they didn't even notice it happening.

I very very much take Rumple's point though - Writing a story that is hard work on the reader is never a good idea, and if they have to keep stopping and re-reading just to figure out who it is that's talking at that particular moment they'll give up pretty fast. If I've done that, then I regard my writing as a failure and I re-write it..

.. But, if I can make the transmission seamless and subtle, so that you don't notice it (unless you're actually looking for it) then I regard it as a success.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

His eyes wandered through these superior entities and, for a moment, he forgave them for being gorgeous, until an exotic beauty darted a fulminating sensual look, which he immediate understood wasn't meant for him.

That did it. It made him burst mentally and charge with all his intellectual fury against the superficiality of these... these empty wrappers trying to sell a product that simply wasn't there, ostentatious illusions unaware of their frugality, fermions circumventing about nonexistent nucle... hmm... A very pleasant gaze, clearly directed at him by a presumably Nordic raging beauty. Well! He rapidly concluded it best not to be swept away by the scientific rigour of his analysis and that he was probably being unfair. After all, they were only enjoying some well deserved time off, in a surrounding where intellectual pondering didn't require to be overly rated.

 

[KillerMuffin]

That doesn't sound too weird to me, and I'd definitely do it without the italics, providing the third person narrator, omniscient or not, is at least always hovering on the shoulder of the main character.

In fact, this (intercalated with the narration) is the only natural way I can think of of using a character's stream of consciousness in a story. My personal thoughts very seldom can be quoted. Human mind simply doesn't work that way...

Go for it: I'm sure it will work.


No technique is bad if you do it right.

Double dawg ditto!

 

[Icingsugar]

Thanks for all the input!

I knew that I'd seen something like what I am trying to achieve here before. But I couldn't recall where. In this section of the story, and two or three others like it, it is quite essential to present the character's thoughts, sensations and half panicked reactions. I think bouncing between POV, catching thr reader a little bit off guard might be an effective way of doing that. And recitring this lady's thoughts in a normal "Huh? What's going on?" she thought syntax might make it...well, too slow for the situation.

I'll read up on my Gibson, experiment a little and see where it takes me.

 

[Pure]

Hi Icing,

It's very hard to come up with a 'new' writing technique.

What you're suggesting sounds fine and is widely used.

It's a third person omnicscient who has (or exercises) priveleged access to only one (or the main) character. I.e., does NOT routinely give the thoughts of others besides that one.

It sounds like a hybrid, but readers find it more congenial that a pure godlike pov.

J.

 

[oggbashan]

I would take a part of the story and edit it to change the POV to 1st person. That would test the technique you are using.

Does it flow better in 1st person? Does it convey what you intended as well or better? If not - stick with what you are doing.

Og