Weekend Away

[AttentionWhore]

I posted my first story this weekend and have recieved some feedback from it. I'm wanting more....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=54744

Thanks in advance for anything positive or negative.

 

[damppanties]

Good

Hi,

I liked your story. I prefer short stories but I found this one to be too short!

I didn't like the first sentence. You could have used something better to start the story.

A question: He got her drunk, but then he says - "I was so happy she was starting to sober up." Why?

Lastly, I was expecting him to let her know in the end about the couple. Perhaps open her blindfold after sex while they were still there. All through the story you were talking about her getting mad. This made me think that he'd tell her. How would she get mad when she wouldn't know anything about it??

Keep writing, I enjoyed this one and would definitely like more from you.

-DP.

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Hi AttentionWhore,

Well you know you really had some great ideas here. The resort, the candles, the bubble bath, not to mention the mystery of the blindfold, but really, it just didn't seem to all come together quite right did it?

I think you need to do what most people around here recommend. Read it out aloud to yourself. Maybe even consider getting an editor to help you, although I know that's easier said than done.

A little dialog would have been enjoyable too, and it's often an easy way to 'develop' your characters.

I agree with dampanties, you should perhaps have taken the blindfold off at the end. I think it would have given your story an interesting and bitter sweet ending.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[BodaciousTease]

So So

you asked for a review, I read your story and gave it a "3". Like the others have said, the idea was hot but the girl was a little too two dimensional. To fill her out more would probably require some dialog as the_bragis recommended.

As far as the sex, all the elements were there, but if felt to me like you were fucking a blow-up doll. I disagree about the blindfold being taken off. Though I was hoping the blindfold would come off too, I don't think by doing that would make all the elements of the story suddenly jell -- the story still will have significant flaws.

There are elements of Exhibitionist & Voyeur that can work quite well if the girlfriend never knows that she was displayed. I think you need to work with that. You need to understand what punches your buttons about that before you can really fix the story. It may be the Virgin Whore complex that guys like a lot -- she's pure as the driven snow but slutty as a ten dollar whore and by keeping her blindfolded on you maintain her purity. If that's the case you DEFINITELY need to get into the girlfriends head -- not in a third person omnipotent way (although that might work if you were to re-write the story) nor definitely NOT in a change of POV (point of view) from first person of the male to first person of the girlfriend but through what she says and acts.

The last part where the man nods and smiles to the protagonist about putting on a great show was lame. Just really lame. You need that couple to come up to the protagonist and his girlfriend and have a conversation. You need to described how the man and women look at the girlfriend with knowing eyes and the girlfriend being completely oblivious to how they are looking at her or why, or maybe she knows the guy is undressing her with his eyes and knows the man's girlfriend is treating her strangely but doesn't realize why (other than that she is just an attractive woman) and she in turn acts very prim (not prissy but prim and modest).

I mean the story is not about the "I" in tale but about the girlfriend -- that's where the real story is and you have left her so two dimensional and distant that the story falls flat as three week old road-kill on what should be an otherwise hot hot hot masterbation peice

You ask for it, you got it -- my honest opinion

BTease

 

[Guilty As Charged]

The story seemed to contain a lot of short sentences which, although they were all complete, didn't flow very well. Also, if the protagonist's girlfriend never found out she was being watched, did the protagonist ever really get what he said he wanted?