We need a laugh
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ponderisms
Ponderisms
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed? (And employment consultants deployed?)
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exams.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Bumper Stickers
1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass.
2. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
3. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
7. Hang up and drive.
8. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
9. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
10. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
12. The proctologist called, they found your head.
13. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
14. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me."
15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
17. (my personal favourite) "I AM SO!!"
No. 1
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here honey, try these on." So she did and said, "Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them." So I replied, "exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will"
Ever since that night we have never had any problems. "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on". So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't even get into your knickers."
So Jill says,"...exactly. And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will"
No. 2
A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her.
It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman
Beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick, just send the wine back."
No. 3
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord !"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. The first bloke quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"…..Ugh... it wasn't a Bacon Tree ..................It was a Ham Bush
No. 4
A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a CitiPower Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
"Well then could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly." "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"Does it look like I've got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the
fridge door is also fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" "Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him." "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked. She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead?
I don't think so!"
Ponderisms
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed? (And employment consultants deployed?)
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exams.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Bumper Stickers
1. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass.
2. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
3. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
7. Hang up and drive.
8. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
9. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
10. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
12. The proctologist called, they found your head.
13. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
14. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me."
15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
17. (my personal favourite) "I AM SO!!"
No. 1
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here honey, try these on." So she did and said, "Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them." So I replied, "exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will"
Ever since that night we have never had any problems. "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on". So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't even get into your knickers."
So Jill says,"...exactly. And if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will"
No. 2
A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her.
It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman
Beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick, just send the wine back."
No. 3
There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord !"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. The first bloke quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"…..Ugh... it wasn't a Bacon Tree ..................It was a Ham Bush
No. 4
A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts:
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a CitiPower Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
"Well then could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly." "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"Does it look like I've got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the
fridge door is also fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" "Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him." "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked. She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead?
I don't think so!"
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