Waxing: a cautionary tale

starrkers

Down two, then left
Joined
Nov 30, 2006
Posts
10,427
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises
of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of
the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
"cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mecha! nically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down
to the inside of my butt chee! k (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRR RIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself: "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the tub ... in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we
go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off
with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.


What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works !!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
 
Oh dear... you should have called me...

-Always use the wax you nuke in the microwave - it's soluble in water.
-When doing bikini area do teeny tiny strips at a time
-baby oil or any other form of heavy grease usually dissolves really stubborn wax
-don't use cold wax strips, they're rubbish and they hurt, but then, you know that...

x
V

ps- dunno if you get it over there, but I use Veet (used to be Immac I think) green tea hot wax. Works like professional wax, never had a problem.
ETA: found a link! Try this next time!
 
Last edited:
Tip: when you want a full bikini wax - go to the beautician! They use a different type of wax for that area - its a honey wax which is better on coarser hair and only sticks to the hair, not the skin. More humane and less painful. :kiss:
 
rachlou said:
Tip: when you want a full bikini wax - go to the beautician! They use a different type of wax for that area - its a honey wax which is better on coarser hair and only sticks to the hair, not the skin. More humane and less painful. :kiss:


I don't know. I find it less painful to do my own bikini area - at least you can anticipate the moment of pain and block it better!
And in the past I've had careless beauticians heat the wax too hot and left me with a red and inflamed bikini line for several weeks. I do my own delicate areas now!
x
V
 
It's a joke, not serious. ;) It goes around in e-mails quite regularly and is one of my favorites. :D
 
Oh good lord...please don't ever do that again. Not for yourself, but to spare me the pain in my side. :p I'm sorry, it's impolite to laugh at someone's pain, but that was brilliantly written (excellent use of the rarely used Hoo-Ha). I owe you a story read because anyone who tells a story that well must be good. :rose:

Do you believe in the thread I started about the male version of this, a couple of women tried to trick me into doing the same thing. Some women are truly diabolical.
 
minsue said:
It's a joke, not serious. ;) It goes around in e-mails quite regularly and is one of my favorites. :D
Well, it got a grin out of me, and that's what counts. :D
 
I've seen that before.. and everytime it makes me laugh my ass off, LOL.

I'd like to talk to the shmuck that invented waxing.
Who'da thought that it would be a good idea to smear hot wax on a body part and rip the hairs out by the root? lol.
I wax my eyebrows. That's bad enough. I'll never wax anything else. My good, just thinking about it makes me shudder. :eek:

Being a hairdresser, we go to hair shows to get our continuing education hours.
A few years back, we took a waxing class. They waxed the inside of a woman's nose!
I woulda sneezed like crazy! Oh the horrors....
 
Sorry, folks. Didn't mean this to seem my own work. I got it in an email yesterday, laughed my ass off and thought it'd go down well here.
 
**wipes tears...grabs sides**...too funny!!! :nana:

I wax my bikini line and it's really not that bad. You get used to it after a while...however the first time I did it I jumped around the bathroom like an idiot.:rolleyes:
 
Actually, I've used both the strips you warm by friction and the beeswax stuff you nuke, I've had moderately successful results...at least until I find myself out in full sunlight and can see what all didn't come up with the wax.
 
My wife and I have both seen this on several occasions and it never stops making us laugh. Thanks.

Cat
 
starrkers said:
Sorry, folks. Didn't mean this to seem my own work. I got it in an email yesterday, laughed my ass off and thought it'd go down well here.

I'm a little confused now...

I read your post, laughed about it and then last night was reading my new book - "The Adultery Club" by Tess Stimson.

To my amazement, I read, almost word for word, your post...:confused:

So now, I'm reading this post again and someone said it was a chain email...so does that mean that the author has blatantly used a chain email in her work? And if so, how did she get away with it?

Then, I go to Amazon and read reviews of the book and there are a couple of scathing reports saying that there's a lot of passages in the book gleaned from a collection of funny stories which do the rounds on the internet...

Uh??

Is it me??

I thought authors had to submit "original" work?
 
janiexx said:
I'm a little confused now...

I read your post, laughed about it and then last night was reading my new book - "The Adultery Club" by Tess Stimson.

To my amazement, I read, almost word for word, your post...:confused:

So now, I'm reading this post again and someone said it was a chain email...so does that mean that the author has blatantly used a chain email in her work? And if so, how did she get away with it?

Then, I go to Amazon and read reviews of the book and there are a couple of scathing reports saying that there's a lot of passages in the book gleaned from a collection of funny stories which do the rounds on the internet...

Uh??

Is it me??

I thought authors had to submit "original" work?


Sounds like she's heading for getting her ass sued off... Her publiushers are gonna *lurve* that...
x
V
 
Vermilion said:
Sounds like she's heading for getting her ass sued off... Her publiushers are gonna *lurve* that...
x
V

Unless She wrote it and the chainmail stole it.
 
TheeGoatPig said:
Because spam or chain emails never get stolen from anywhere, and are made up of 100% original work?

Keep your knickers on. I was just saying that it would be odd if her book had spawned not one, but *several* chain mails.
V
 
Vermilion said:
Keep your knickers on. I was just saying that it would be odd if her book had spawned not one, but *several* chain mails.
V

I had better keep my knickers on, I'm at work... *paranoid*
 
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