Wanton and wet

[Wanton and wet]

I'm a new writer who tries to set an erotic scene and can be very nasty . . . Looking for feedback on two stories: "Selling Myself For You" and Waiting For You." I considered them to be a Loving Wives contribution, but one comment rather unceremoniously told me to keep the first one in the BDSM category . . . The stories turn me on, which is I guess what counts, and I hope they turn others on as well.

Monique

 

[Singularity]

Selling Myself For You

I chose to read this one, because I write mostly in the BDSM category myself. And I think the person who suggested that category had a good idea. Either BDSM or Exhibitionism/Voyeur would probably be better than Loving Wives.

Oh, and here is the link to Selling Myself...

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=232891

Now then, for some constructive feedback.

I know the story was written as a letter to the husband. But the second person "you" format takes away from the story and probably elicits more back-clicks than it does reads. Especially since it isn't clear up front that it is a letter. That doesn't become clear until the very last line.

I suggest transforming it from a letter to a past-tense, third-person format. This gives you the opportunity to include dialog and to use it to help bring the scene to life. I really like the idea of Monique being required to sell pornographic photos of herself to strangers in the bar. Rather like a perverse version of the 'lingerie' shows some bars have during lunch hour.

The current format constrains what you can do with it.

Another thing to think about is that you don't talk very much about how Monique feels about what she is doing. There isn't a lot of emotional content (again, dialog can help), and it is mostly a recitation of the events that occurred. The heat and the passion meter is a bit low, though you describe the scene pretty well.

I hope this helps.


Sin.

 

[Wanton and wet]

Thanks Sin

I DID focus on describing the scene explicitly, and felt constrained later because quotes didn't seem to fit the format.

I'll be dropping the letter format in the future.

My next story will be a departure from true life adventures but will be a fantasy that I'd like to be true, although impractical. And, at your suggestion, I'll try to bring the reader more into my feelings, instead of focusing on how the scene looked from the outside looking in, which is what would have turned my husband on the most. After all, the stories are primarily for him.

Thanks for the ideas, and, after reading about all the "Loving Wives" category controversy, I'm going to avoid posting there.

Monique

 

[An Awful Cad]

Loving Wives is a tough category, as you may have realized by now, and it takes some guts to wade in there. If you compare the results of your two stories so far, you can see the probloem. On "Selling Myself..." you appear to have been voted down by the "moralists" who object to the portrayal of extramarital activity of any sort.

I liked the setup of "Selling Myself" quite a bit. You (and your husband) deserve congratulations on a creative and nicely orchestrated humiliation scenario. I do, however, echo Sin's comments about second person persepective. It almost always causes me to abandon a story. For me it breaks the essential fantasy of the story by making it hard to imagine myself in the story.

Again echoing Sin, the mechanics of sex are just that - mechanical. It's the emotions and feelings that create the hot nastiness we're (okay, I'm) here for.

Good start. I'd definitely read another one.

 

[Nessitude]

Love the stories! Very very sexy.