Wanting feedback on my first...story

lorraina

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Jan 27, 2005
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I submitted a story last night. It is called Destiny. I would love any comments or feedback. Thanks, L.
 
lorraina said:
I submitted a story last night. It is called Destiny. I would love any comments or feedback. Thanks, L.

Hi, Lorraina. Welcome to Lit. I hope you enjoy yourself writing and reading the great stories here. If you just submitted it last night, it will take a week or so before it posts. While you are waiting, you should establish a link to your stories the way I and almost everybody has to ours.:)
 
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Thanks Boxlicker for clueing me in

I read your biography and, like you, have always enjoyed the fantasies involved with the overactive mind. I will keep an eye out for my story. I actually have the second part written, but wanted feedback from the first before posting. In my mind, take a little Anne Rice and throw in some Dean Kuntz, and you have what rolls around in my head. Who knows, after feedback and subsequent postings, I might continue to write an entire book. If I do, I will surely let you know. I have written other things in other genre's before, but never let my sexual imagination come out. I am fortunate to meet a man recently who fantasizes about the same things I do, finally after 38 years, and my "creativeness" has been coming out. He turned me on to this website and I am thankful he did. He was the first to read my story, and he gave me the thumbs up. He then encouraged me to post it. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks again, L.
 
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=182890

I think this is the link to this story.

I read it and unfortunatly it is one of those stories that i have the most trouble giving helpfull comments on. I feel like it was almost great, but i have a hard time pinning down some quick helpfull ideas.

The opening paragraph is a little weak it sounds a bit stilted

I am just a small town girl; I come from a small family, and have the best of intentions. I moved to the "big city" a few years ago. I have a productive job as a teacher. I like my life. One summer day while on break the following happened to me. I had no idea that this could ever happen to a person like me. I lover every one and try to be a kind person. Let the story tell itself…

Actually i think your story would read fine without this paragraph and it would jump us right into the scary chase sceen.

If you do want to have it i think i would rework the first few sentences so they are not quite so choppy.

-- I am just a small town girl from a small family who always acts with the best of intentions. A few years ago I moved to the big city for a productive job as a teacher. I liked my life. (this forshadows something will happen to make her wonder if she will still like her life) One summer day something happend to me that i never thought would happen to a caring loving person like myself.---

I am sure i missed some punctuation in that but you get the idea.

The next thing that jumped out at me was that you switched tences to the present tence shortly after starting the story in the past tence. I am sure that it was because it is easier to think in the present tence when you are talking about something that is suspencefull.

you wrote

There is silence now. Is he inside? What do I do? Lie quiet. If he is inside, maybe he won't hear me. I am silent now. Hoping, waiting. Will he find me? The pounding is so loud. Make it go away. What does he want? Will he kill me? Will he rape me? I can't take it. Which is better, death or rape. I don't know. If he kills me, all is over. But if he rapes me, what will he do and how long will it take. Minutes? Hours? Days? What do I do? Do I try to escape, leave this place and run, or just stay and hope he passes over. Misses my hiding place. Someone please help me.

i think i would break it into paragraphs with the actions seperate from the thoughts
---------------------
There was silence.

Is he inside? What do I do? Lie quiet. If he is inside, maybe he
won't hear me.

I was silent, hoping, waiting.

Will he find me? The pounding is so loud. Make it go away. What does he want? Will he kill me? Will he rape me? I can't take it. Which is better, death or rape. I don't know. If he kills me, all is over. But if he rapes me, what will he do and how long will it take. Minutes? Hours? Days? What do I do? Do I try to escape, leave this place and run, or just stay and hope he passes over. Misses my hiding place. Someone please help me.
--------------
BTW convention puts two spaces after a full stop. Without it your paragraphs seem pushed together and hard to read, actually in this case you could say that it helped because it is kind of a stream of consiousness bit in the story. However later i kept running things together because of it and it made me feel a little tired.

I think this is a great story but it could use a bit of polishing up. Are you getting your storys read by several editors? I have found this to be a huge help to get my story to realy be clear and concise. Not to mention put in all the commas i miss. It is a tough humbling process but in the end by using their ideas along with my own i usually hammer out something much better.

Let me know if you would like another editor i would be happy to help

Spyro
 
Thanks Spyro

I appreciate your comments. No, no one has edited my writings. I just kinda go with the flow, and then read them myself and hope for the best.

In reference to the first paragraph, I started this story over a year ago. I threw that in at the last minute b/c I was reading other stories and I wanted something to "open" with. As far as changing tenses, I was totally thinking about the victim, and how she might feel. The reason I don't double space, if that is what you mean, is that in cyberspace, I have been taught that it is wrong to double space. Also, the newest rules of APA state that you don't double space after a period. If you are speaking of double spacing between thoughts, it is my intention that the thoughts are all together as with what I call the dominoe effect, or what some refer to as flight of ideas.

I posted the second part to my story and it should be up in the next couple days. See if it is better. I would really appreciate your comments.

L
 
i liked the first one better i think

It could be just that i am more tired now or something.

.

I mostly read books, a lot of books, nearly every one has a double space after a period. Like i said sometimes it is ok, and it is just a personal preferance, i just find it hard to read.

I do belive you are supposed to start a new paragraph when you change speakers in dialogue and in your new story you did not. Again just one of those picky things, but it makes it a lot easier to read, especially on line.

While we are being nit picky about grammer you missed a lot of commas in your second story.

Another thing i notice is that you get hung up on the same words over and over. You started 14 sentences in one paragraph with the word "I". I think if you spent a little time coming up with more creative sentences it would go a long way.

This isnt to say that all the choppy senteces are bad just that they lose their punch after a while.

I would highly recomend an editer i am always amazed when one of my stories comes back how much red ink there is on it. Sometimes i dont like a few of the things they do, and i just leave them alone. Others i realise that what i had was a problem and i rewrite it to fix it but still dont use their exact suggestion. Many times i will read what they have put in and it just works better. But by slowing the process down and getting someone elses views it realy makes me think about if it is the best it could be.

It was shocking the first time though, when it came back all marked up.

There are some very good editers in the editer's forum. I like being able to ask them about stuff in there.

Keep writing like i said your ideas are great. There are a lot of very nice things about your story. They do feel like a first write of a story though not a finished work.

Spyro.

BTW if it seems like i am picking on you it is just because i feel like you have some talent, if i realy didnt like it or thought you should give up i wouldnt have made any comments. :D
 
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