Wanted: opinions

[Nite_]

My first (erotic) story went up just awhile ago, and I need to have a few opinions. I hope it's not total crap and at least the two anonymous comments are favorable.


But, it *is* my first erotic (even if the first part doesn't even contain any sex) story ever, and I want a few honest opinions about it. You are free to say just "it sucks" or "it was good", but what I would really like, is to know *what* about it you (dis)liked?

Story is short (about 3000 words), contains a lesbian relationship, but not any sex (that will be coming in chapter 2 or 3.)

Link to the story: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=294109

 

[smotp]

Do you read your work out loud to yourself?

Hi

I'm new at this stuff too and I like to get feedback. It feels like your writing in a vacuum if no one talks to you and it is difficult to get people you know to comment.

I liked the set up and the back story of a sexist boss and the gender reversal. But I think it would help the flow of the piece if you tried to read it back to yourself out loud. Some of the sentences were a little hard to absorb in that they could have flowed more easily.

I have found it very hard to write the way the professionals say you should. They all say 'show don't tell' but what does that mean?

I have the impression that you like to explain what your characters are thinking rather than let them act on their thoughts. Try an exercise of writing a scene in dialogue only. No description other than what your actors can speak. It can help in allowing the reader to work it out for themselves rather than you lay it all out for them.

There are a few good websites that give advice on writing, especially the point I have just made. Ask your editor as well for some help on the use of more everyday vocabulary. Co-worker is ok in a report or policy document but colleague or workmate as well as fellow wage slave, desk jockey and keboard slut, can be used to lighten the tone!

Try some risky language say 'soft warmth' instead of womanhood.

I hope you find this constructive but most of all keep on writing it is what you like that matters

Kind Regards

Smot

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I'm new at this stuff too and I like to get feedback. It feels like your writing in a vacuum if no one talks to you and it is difficult to get people you know to comment.
...
I have found it very hard to write the way the professionals say you should. They all say 'show don't tell' but what does that mean?

There are a few good websites that give advice on writing, especially the point I have just made. Ask your editor as well for some help on the use of more everyday vocabulary. Co-worker is ok in a report or policy document but colleague or workmate as well as fellow wage slave, desk jockey and keboard slut, can be used to lighten the tone!

Try some risky language say 'soft warmth' instead of womanhood.

...keep on writing it is what you like that matters

First can I say that your story, Nite, is damn good for a first try. It's personalI know but I think you've got the feel for this story-telling lark. There are rough edges, sure, and smot is pretty accurate, but they don't kill the story and they are easily avoided.

smot, give me a link to your stories and I'l go burrow in there. If I can translate 'show not tell' I think it means (at least to me) make your readers think they are voyeurs - like at the movies or the theatre. Instead of saying, 'Agnes thought his manhood was huge' you could say "Dirk, you've got a huge cock. I'm not sure I'm big enough for you." I turn and look. metaphorically, I am there.

Nite, not sure what William adds and smot is right that some of the dialogue is a tad stilted - but what the heck. Without any overt sex you write a hot story.

Just read your last draft back like a film director saying, "Does this scene really work as I want it?"

 

[smotp]

Hi Elfin

I liked the erotic tension under the surface in Nite's piece and looking forward to when they get it on!

Regards your kind interest;

I list a couple of my short works below and the last is the first few chapters of a novel in progress.

I have tried to do this 'show not tell' stuff but I don't know if it works. My preference is to work in Sci Fi and Horror and it is easy to get carried away with information giving.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=292094
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=290493
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=286673
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=292089

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=296717

Appreciate any pearls of wisdom and an oppinion as to commerciality

Kind regards

Smot