Wanted! Feedback on latest story.

[English Lady]

Hello ladies and gentlemen!

I would very much appreiciate feedback on my latest submission

Not what you see,what you feel

It is nearly two lit pages long so I warn you now, its a fairly long one!

It is a straight sex story with a slight difference in that the main character becomes invisible!


Hope those who read it enjoy it(and vote )


Thanks!

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hello English Lady,

I rather enjoyed this quirky little story of yours.

I'm sure lots of people have days like that when they feel like they just want to burst out of normality. I know I do.

The title is a good and catchy one.

The first few paragraphs although dealing with the mundaness of every day life, did keep my interest.

“Wonderfully pert buttocks“ I thought to myself“ I could get my teeth into that all right!”

I love the way you English express yourselves, I really do. You're so... English. Anyone else would have said something crass like - cute ass. ( Oh, 'though to myself' is a tautology btw).

I noticed few periods missing and few words not capped, but nothing that distracted me for a good read.

I think this story will appeal to to both sexes. I don't think there's a living breathing hetro man under the age of seventy who wouldn't fantasize about meeting a woman as forward as Louise. What a lucky bugger Paul was! While women will enjoy the pure fantasy of having that kind of control.

I wish you well with your future writing,.

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[English Lady]

Thank you so much for your feedback!

I am so glad you enjoyed it and the englishness of it. (ok I don't think englishness is a real word but never mind)


I was kind of worried that the mundane start might put some people off but i couldn't see a way of doing it otherwise.


Again thanks for reading and feeding back to me!

 

[whatsinanameuk]

Story

Your descriptions of sex, as usual, really draw the reader in and are very arousing. But the idea - invisibility, very ingenious; I loved it.

 

[English Lady]

Thanks whatsin...glad you enjoyed it

 

[English Lady]

Anymore for anymore?

 

[Stout chap]

I have to agree about your language. It's refreshing to see a story that doesn't the word "ass" in it at all. (What is it with these Americans and donkeys, eh?) Your use of adjectives indulgent and lovely, too. The story itself is very easy to follow, witty and clever. And it was devilishly erotic, too! Well done, I liked it very much!

 

[English Lady]

Thanks stout chap I am glad you enjoyed it*S*

 

[The_Fool]

I enjoyed your story quite a bit. It opens doors to quite a few follow-on stories. Maybe back to doing on the bus.....

 

[English Lady]

Thank you the_fool *S* I have been thinking about follow ups, I'd make them stand alone stories as I know people don't like "chapters" but you never know, an incident on the bus may be in Lousies future!

 

[SlaveMasterUK]

what an uplifting tale that was! It was so refreshing to read a story that genuinely made me laugh and smile. Definately a nice change from the things I've been reading of late.

The love scenes conveyed everything they were supposed to do, amazingly without resorting to words which I often think give a more 'smutty' image to the story. I particularly enjoyed the tenderness that you managed to work into your story; it didn't feel like the kind of carefree fuck story that I usually associate with tales about strangers meeting.

Not my usual scene, but definately worthy of a reply.

Ax

 

[English Lady]

*grinning like the cat who got the cream*

thank you slavemaster, I am glad you enjoyed it.

I am so glad it worked, i wanted my story to convey emotion other than that ofsexual tension,it is good to know I managed to do that!


Thanks once again to everyone who's sent me feedback

 

[TrinaT]

Really enjoyed your tale. It was fun, light and witty. I was glad to see the adventures may continue.

Easy to read and kept a steady pace. Good job.

Trina T.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Nice! It was new and different and it made me want to keep reading to see what happened next. I agree with SlaveMasterUK about how nice it was to see tenderness in a story about sex between strangers. I also really like that you were able to make it so realistic within the suspension of disbelief about the invisibility cream.

The "mundane" start was fine. You didn't spend too much time on it and it was pretty clear that something non-mundane would be happening soon.

One thing though - you switch from past to present tense and back a couple of times. I found it a little distracting. Did you mean to do that on purpose?

Anyway, I hope you continue with the theme, as someone suggested. Invisibility is strangely compelling.

 

[English Lady]

the tense swopping was accidental I assure you, slipped through the editing net I think*S*

I am going to continue the theme I think,I haven't started on a new"chapter" as yet but ideas are bubbling around in my head...

..so stay tuned!


Thanks for reading and feeding back darling nikki, its much appreiciated!

 

[jfinn]

I loved this story, the wit and charm you put into your main character made it one of the best things I've read lately. I also like it when a story has a strong sense of place and you do that beautifully here. From the first paragraph there is no doubt that this is a British tale.

Like Nikki, I noticed that you switched tenses, but I think that's probably okay (if I remember my grammer correctly) as long as it isn't something that's done too often. Personally though, I've found that writing in the present tense, particularly if you're also using a first person pov, can be awkward and a little limiting. I find it's much easier to use past tense throughout. But that's a personal preference and you may feel differently.

The only other things I noticed were the same ones several others mentioned. A lack of punctuation and capitalization, and a few spacing problems. Those are easy to correct though by using an editor or beta reader.

I'm glad you're thinking of using this as a basis as a start for a series. You could have a lot of fun with that shop and it's proprietor.

At any rate, what you have here is wonderful. Thanks for writing this story and I look forward to reading more.

Jayne