Want vs. Need, seducing yourself.

[Betticus]

I have been going around with this idea for a while now. It's something that we all know on a primitive level and on a logical level. Sometimes logic flies away from us though.

I can't live without him/her.

Without you in my life I am nothing.

I need you.

I absolutely will die if I don't get me some chocolate ice cream right now.

We all understand that none of these statements are true but when you aren't thinking straight it really can seem that the ice cream or that other stuff is overwhelmingly important.

This topic is so huge though, it ties in to who we are and what we are about in life. Take it beyond that guy/gal that can't let you go, who keeps calling or dropping by when you want nothing to do with them. Let's approach this needy/stalker mentality from a different angle. A look at whole body health.

When you are initially attracted to a person that person tends to exhibit certain attributes. The things that make you want to be around them, to be with them. They are confident, fun, relaxed and they seem to blend in with the environment as if they were either born into it or they are in charge of it.

On the other hand, when someone isn't all there in their head it also shows. Normally.

I have my own thoughts on this subject and sometimes it seems like a huge task to try to understand human behaviour but when broken down into pieces you can begin to see how one thing ties into another and so on.

So if anyone cares to talk about attraction, whole body/mind health and the way you automatically react to people fire away. I'd like to hear your thoughts.

 

[Betticus]

You know, I totally forgot the self seduction part.

In a very simple sense it would be self analysis. Making yourself aware of what you are doing, how you interact and just about everything that you do. Would you be attracted to yourself if you were observing you from the outside.

A lot of people get into a relationship and once they feel comfortable they quit trying. As if they have won the race and can now retire.

Let's face it. No one is going to want to be with you if you stop trying, if you get sloppy. Men always try to get their wives/partners in the gym and to do things to improve themselves while sitting on the couch getting fat and letting life slip past them.

I am toying with a concept that basically states you should continually be seducing and reseducing yourself. You should analyze and critique yourself. Once aware of any shortcomings, things that you don't like about yourself you can work on becoming so damn sexy to yourself that you almost can't keep your hands off your own behind.

This goes for baggage from your past as well. Finding the things that are holding you down. Our realities that we perceive are built from all of our experiences, a bad experience in our past can damage who we are. We can go back on reflection to the time and events that shaped us in ways we don't like and rebuild them. One way of looking at it is a reprogramming of a bug in our software. Just go back and use that fantasy generating part of you to rewrite bad events into ones that either negate them or make us better, or what we think is better for us. Done enough times it is easier and easier and the effect becomes more noticable.

I don't know how deep I'll go in an open forum on this but feel free to share or comment.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

The old question of which came first the chicken or the egg comes to mind here. Were you first attracted or seduced? The key to attraction and seduction starts where it all starts, with the self. You must be attracted to your self to feel comfortable enough to want to sell what you have to others. Attraction starts as a purely physiological response to pheromones and moves from that stage to one of recognizing what socialization has encouraged one to be attracted to, thin, volumptuous, black, blond, or blue. We tend to initally form our attractions geared upon what we sensed early on in life, scents, sounds, sights, etc.
As for seduction well simply stated, seduction is ther art of flaunting attributes and skills with the intent of calling attention to oneself. Some of these attributes and are physical, some are not. The skills are acquired
The bottom line here is you must be able to seduce your self before you can seduce others. You must be attracted to yourself in order to do that. Now go, have fun.

 

[Betticus]

I'm thinking of the whole person, not necessarily seducing others. If you have a perpetually low self esteem or something that nags and eats at you it can show on the outside as well. Either your health will decline over time with the stress that you are under or your body language will communicate it to others.

So, what do you do if there is something about yourself that you don't find attractive? Something that you don't like but can be changed unlike a scar or a physiological disorder like MS, etc...

I think that you can work most of these things out by yourself. What do you feel less than confident at? And I don't mean skydiving, I'm talking about attractiveness. Let's say that you may have a bit of a stammer or you blush like mad when you first talk to someone that you like. How would you react to that same thing happening if the roles were reversed? How have people reacted to you in the past? Can you replay the episodes in your mind and recreate that moment when you stammer or blush? If so can you run those scenes through your mind and take out the awkward part? I think that if you visualize that little problem having never happened enough times it can help to negate some of the negative programming that you have had in real life. Maybe next time you won't blush so much. Over time perhaps you can let that problem melt away.

Now, that kind of technique can and does work but usually when you are working with someone else on a problem. I'd leave big problems to the professionals of course.

I think that over time you can make a lot of self image changes, gain a lot of confidence and be happier with yourself as well as have the people around you happier when they are with you. A win/win kind of thing.

 

[graceanne]

I absolutely will die if I don't get me some chocolate ice cream right now.

We all understand that none of these statements are true

hmph Speak for yourself.

 

[Betticus]

hmph Speak for yourself.

Notice how I purposefully did not list warm from the oven chocolate chip cookies as something that you won't just die without!

I was thinking of you Gracie.

 

[nusubgurl]

So, what do you do if there is something about yourself that you don't find attractive? Something that you don't like but can be changed unlike a scar or a physiological disorder

Betticus...

First go find a old B/W movie called The Enchanted Cottage, and watch it...

Second, stop worrying about whatever it is...ok i know that reads much easier than it is to do in RL.

There is a gift that comes with time and maturity (okay call it aging) that i call "divine blindness". i am proud to have been blessed with this gift and give it freely, in the hopes that it is returned to me.

My former SO, who is 66, left me (age 44) for a 22 yo woman. He had polio when he was 6 years old. He is significantly disabled and disfigured. And still to this minute i would give almost anything to be with him.

Never once did his disability enter into the picture as i was falling deeply in love with him..what captured my heart was that he had a devestatingly beautiful smile, made me laugh for hours, was brilliant, we had long and fascinating coversations and he was a marvelous and attentive lover.

Apparently those same qualities captivated his new love...for he is moving to New Zealand to be with her.

Whatever the issue...be yourself. Give yourself freely and without reservation. Give the very unconditional acceptance to others that you wish to receive from them. If you can do these things, you will never want for love.

I have to go back to our "Quotes" thread and offer another pearl of wisdom from Robert Heinlein:

"The more you love, the more you can love and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just."

All you need is time enough for love.

 

[bullaford]

Betticus, some of those mental scars are too deep to be able to talk ourselves out of them, with or without professional help. I was going to say that we can learn to control them, but that would be wrong ... we can learn to control our reactions to them.

Some scars that we find so evident, many people would never even realize that there is anything wrong. To us it is written all over us, to them there is nothing wrong.

One such case .. absolutely gorgeous girl, severly abused by her parents, thinks she is horribly ugly person inside and out. I find many people, especially those abused by their parents, think themselves hideously ugly, while the rest of the world thinks they are beautiful. They'll never see in themselves, what we see in them. So even tho you try to make yourself attractive to yourself, to others you are already beautiful.

Seducing others is much easier than seducing yourself, because we already know our disfigurments.

you = general "you", not Betticus himself.

 

[graceanne]

Notice how I purposefully did not list warm from the oven chocolate chip cookies as something that you won't just die without!

I was thinking of you Gracie.

*hugs* I suppose . . . if I had warm chocolate chip cookies . . . that I might be able to live without chocolate ice cream . . . but I seriously doubt that snowy ciara could.

 

[Betticus]

Maybe it would help to get people to stop trying to "help" me if I mention that there could possibly be a tie in with the subject I'm trying to get a discussion going on here and training someone to orgasm on command.

Really, it's just a subject that I'm interested in.

I'm going to work

 

[Private_Label]

I'm going to work

Don't forget your hand sanitizer.

 

[Netzach]

Let's face it. No one is going to want to be with you if you stop trying, if you get sloppy. Men always try to get their wives/partners in the gym and to do things to improve themselves while sitting on the couch getting fat and letting life slip past them.

I've been seriously ill.

I'm coming out of it, thank God, but for the first year of my marriage, instead of a wedding, instead of a honeyoon I lost my looks, my drives, my interests, my sanity and large chunks of whatever it was that attracted my husband to me to begin with. I didn't like or recognize myself for the better part of a year. Amazingly, he's still with me.

Probably because I don't live my life as though I'd curl up and die if I was alone. Even at times I probably would curl up and die if I was alone.

 

[landcruisergal]

Fascinating subject.
I have never considered myself attractive,I had weight problem in my teens, and after a brief party time in adolescence, I gave up and adopted a tough girl, tomboy look. I always thought white collar workers were out of my league anyway, and the dinner and cocktail party circuit didnt interest me. I wanted friends who wouldn't condemn me if I got drunk and fell over.
I found a partner who was more interested in me naked than whatever clothes I wore or how I wore my hair.
Then my PYL insisted that I dress the part; subtle but seductive.
( I wore my doc martins on our first meeting and he stated that he never wanted to see them again).
It took a great deal of effort but my confidence blossomed and I now take care of my nails, have a wardrobe of sexy clothes and high heels. I feel sexy therefore I am sexy.I walk different, I hold my head high. And I see guys in suits noticing me. Still wouldn't want to go there, but nice to know I could pull one if I wanted to.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "holy shit. I cant believe thats me!"

 

[FurryFury]

I have been going around with this idea for a while now. It's something that we all know on a primitive level and on a logical level. Sometimes logic flies away from us though.

I can't live without him/her.

Without you in my life I am nothing.

I need you.

I absolutely will die if I don't get me some chocolate ice cream right now.

We all understand that none of these statements are true but when you aren't thinking straight it really can seem that the ice cream or that other stuff is overwhelmingly important.

This topic is so huge though, it ties in to who we are and what we are about in life. Take it beyond that guy/gal that can't let you go, who keeps calling or dropping by when you want nothing to do with them. Let's approach this needy/stalker mentality from a different angle. A look at whole body health.

When you are initially attracted to a person that person tends to exhibit certain attributes. The things that make you want to be around them, to be with them. They are confident, fun, relaxed and they seem to blend in with the environment as if they were either born into it or they are in charge of it.

On the other hand, when someone isn't all there in their head it also shows. Normally.

I have my own thoughts on this subject and sometimes it seems like a huge task to try to understand human behavior but when broken down into pieces you can begin to see how one thing ties into another and so on.

So if anyone cares to talk about attraction, whole body/mind health and the way you automatically react to people fire away. I'd like to hear your thoughts.

I've felt that way and it was false of course.

I never hooked up with someone when I was really looking. They were always surprise curve balls.

What attracts me is a mix of conscious and subconscious markers as I found out when I read, "Getting the Love The You Want." At that time I was married to a guy that treated me like shit and trying to find out how I got there.

It taught me that I was attracted to him in part because he had within him the strongest qualities of my early childhood caregivers. That means both the good and the bad qualities.

On a conscious level when I got involved with him I recognized only some of the good qualities I was looking for and explained away or made excuses for any aberrant or bad qualities.

My current husband suggested to me that there was a way of being in a relationships that was not competitive and painful. Before he did though we had a sizzling attraction to one another.

This only increased when I went swimming with him and a lot of my other male friends who to a man had a beer belly. My husband had a tight body though. He is not that tall but very tight and powerful due in part to his blue collar job. Poor me, here I was all pregnant, deserted and horny looking at him in his hot little Speedo!

Thank goodness he was attracted too! I remember when I knew that for a fact. We were dancing in a club. This was in the warehouse district of New Orleans. He pulled me close. My, just starting tummy, touched him. I was embarrassed and pulled back. I had never had any tummy before. He smile touched that little swell and said he loved it, then pulled me in closer. Fireworks went off in my head. He is interested in you, who would have thought it, the voice in my head said.

Now a days, I look for people who feel "warm" to me. That is, people who, when I am around them, exude serenity and acceptance. I can tell they love me and I love them. It's a great feeling. There are so many people in my circles of friends male and female I would love to fuck because we are so loving and comfortable together.

You know, I totally forgot the self seduction part.

In a very simple sense it would be self analysis. Making yourself aware of what you are doing, how you interact and just about everything that you do. Would you be attracted to yourself if you were observing you from the outside.

A lot of people get into a relationship and once they feel comfortable they quit trying. As if they have won the race and can now retire.

Let's face it. No one is going to want to be with you if you stop trying, if you get sloppy. Men always try to get their wives/partners in the gym and to do things to improve themselves while sitting on the couch getting fat and letting life slip past them.

I am toying with a concept that basically states you should continually be seducing and reseducing yourself. You should analyze and critique yourself. Once aware of any shortcomings, things that you don't like about yourself you can work on becoming so damn sexy to yourself that you almost can't keep your hands off your own behind.

This goes for baggage from your past as well. Finding the things that are holding you down. Our realities that we perceive are built from all of our experiences, a bad experience in our past can damage who we are. We can go back on reflection to the time and events that shaped us in ways we don't like and rebuild them. One way of looking at it is a reprogramming of a bug in our software. Just go back and use that fantasy generating part of you to rewrite bad events into ones that either negate them or make us better, or what we think is better for us. Done enough times it is easier and easier and the effect becomes more noticable.

I don't know how deep I'll go in an open forum on this but feel free to share or comment.

Yes I would be attracted to me but not as much as I am attracted to some others! LOL!

Now this I already do. I've always been a seeker. I learn, grown and change constantly into someone I like better and better.

Baggage is harder to jettison but I try.

The old question of which came first the chicken or the egg comes to mind here. Were you first attracted or seduced? The key to attraction and seduction starts where it all starts, with the self. You must be attracted to your self to feel comfortable enough to want to sell what you have to others. Attraction starts as a purely physiological response to pheromones and moves from that stage to one of recognizing what socialization has encouraged one to be attracted to, thin, volumptuous, black, blond, or blue. We tend to initally form our attractions geared upon what we sensed early on in life, scents, sounds, sights, etc.
As for seduction well simply stated, seduction is ther art of flaunting attributes and skills with the intent of calling attention to oneself. Some of these attributes and are physical, some are not. The skills are acquired
The bottom line here is you must be able to seduce your self before you can seduce others. You must be attracted to yourself in order to do that. Now go, have fun.

I disagree to an extent. I think it is quite possible to be attractive to others when you are not attractive to yourself. You don't have to love yourself for others to do so but it sure helps.

Also, I never seduce. If they are not willing I am not working on convincing them against their will.

I'm thinking of the whole person, not necessarily seducing others. If you have a perpetually low self esteem or something that nags and eats at you it can show on the outside as well. Either your health will decline over time with the stress that you are under or your body language will communicate it to others.

So, what do you do if there is something about yourself that you don't find attractive? Something that you don't like but can be changed unlike a scar or a physiological disorder like MS, etc...

I think that you can work most of these things out by yourself. What do you feel less than confident at? And I don't mean skydiving, I'm talking about attractiveness. Let's say that you may have a bit of a stammer or you blush like mad when you first talk to someone that you like. How would you react to that same thing happening if the roles were reversed? How have people reacted to you in the past? Can you replay the episodes in your mind and recreate that moment when you stammer or blush? If so can you run those scenes through your mind and take out the awkward part? I think that if you visualize that little problem having never happened enough times it can help to negate some of the negative programming that you have had in real life. Maybe next time you won't blush so much. Over time perhaps you can let that problem melt away.

Now, that kind of technique can and does work but usually when you are working with someone else on a problem. I'd leave big problems to the professionals of course.

I think that over time you can make a lot of self image changes, gain a lot of confidence and be happier with yourself as well as have the people around you happier when they are with you. A win/win kind of thing.

I do agree with this. I've done a lot of changing on purpose just because of that. For instance I was painfully shy. I made a conscious choice to work on that back in 10th grade. I think few would see me as shy now though I am deep down.

Also I made a conscious choice to teach myself to smile most of the time a decade or two ago. That has been a great thing for me and the people I come in contact with.

Betticus...

First go find a old B/W movie called The Enchanted Cottage, and watch it...

Second, stop worrying about whatever it is...ok i know that reads much easier than it is to do in RL.

There is a gift that comes with time and maturity (okay call it aging) that i call "divine blindness". i am proud to have been blessed with this gift and give it freely, in the hopes that it is returned to me.

My former SO, who is 66, left me (age 44) for a 22 yo woman. He had polio when he was 6 years old. He is significantly disabled and disfigured. And still to this minute i would give almost anything to be with him.

Never once did his disability enter into the picture as i was falling deeply in love with him..what captured my heart was that he had a devestatingly beautiful smile, made me laugh for hours, was brilliant, we had long and fascinating coversations and he was a marvelous and attentive lover.

Apparently those same qualities captivated his new love...for he is moving to New Zealand to be with her.

Whatever the issue...be yourself. Give yourself freely and without reservation. Give the very unconditional acceptance to others that you wish to receive from them. If you can do these things, you will never want for love.

I have to go back to our "Quotes" thread and offer another pearl of wisdom from Robert Heinlein:

"The more you love, the more you can love and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just."

All you need is time enough for love.

Wow! I agree with what you say about attraction and love here NuSubGirl.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.


Fury