My boyfriend and I have a very strong relationship, emotionally and sexually. The sex is hot, but vanilla, which is usually fine but I have a "wish list" I'd like to bring up to him. One of the things on the list is using toys together, either him watching me use one on myself or him using one on me. I've done this with other partners in the past, but it was their idea. I'm still getting the hang of asking for what I want sexually and I'm not sure how to bring this up to my partner. He knows I have a couple of vibrators and assumes I use them when he's not around, but we haven't really talked about toys. Any thoughts on how I could open this line of conversation?
Want to play?
- Thread starter KarennaC
- Start date
U
unregistered
Guest
dave's thing
pervuator of boredom
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2002
- Posts
- 3,654
you could leave one or both laying around when he was about. Then in the heat of the moment ask him to use it on you.
I'm guessing here but you are probably shy? So just bringing it up in convo is out of the question? I have found that in these kinds off situations to bring it up unexpected will bring the best results.
You could also time a "play time" session so that he would walk in on you and "catch you at it", so to speak.
I've learned to get over my shyness over these kinds of things so you can PM me and we could discuss specifics if you like (I'm not on the prowl so no worries there)
I'm guessing here but you are probably shy? So just bringing it up in convo is out of the question? I have found that in these kinds off situations to bring it up unexpected will bring the best results.
You could also time a "play time" session so that he would walk in on you and "catch you at it", so to speak.
I've learned to get over my shyness over these kinds of things so you can PM me and we could discuss specifics if you like (I'm not on the prowl so no worries there)
SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2004
- Posts
- 13,442
How about keeping it simple, like, "I think it'd be incredibly hot to include toys sometimes. Are you open to that?"
If he is, you're golden.
If he's not or has reservations, find out why and address any issues (e.g. insecurities over the toys being better than him or not knowing how to use them), if possible.
If you think he'll be willing but need a different approach, you could try asking if you could masturbate with a toy for him, use a vibe or something on him during a handjob or whatever, show him a toy or two that looks interesting online, etc. I'm sure you know what your best angle will be, given who he is and how he reacted to seeing your vibes.
It sounds like bringing it up will be great practice for asking for what you want and need sexually.
If he is, you're golden.
If he's not or has reservations, find out why and address any issues (e.g. insecurities over the toys being better than him or not knowing how to use them), if possible.
If you think he'll be willing but need a different approach, you could try asking if you could masturbate with a toy for him, use a vibe or something on him during a handjob or whatever, show him a toy or two that looks interesting online, etc. I'm sure you know what your best angle will be, given who he is and how he reacted to seeing your vibes.
It sounds like bringing it up will be great practice for asking for what you want and need sexually.
Shadowann2
My give-a-damn's busted
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2002
- Posts
- 8,829
I wanted to include anal play with my bf but I just couldn't make myself say it to his face, so I sent him an email about it. He read it, and emailed me back. We continued in this fashion for a few days, until I was finally comfortable talking to him about it face to face. It really made a big difference for me to be able to put what I wanted in an email before we talked about it face to face.
dave's thing
pervuator of boredom
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2002
- Posts
- 3,654
OOOO that's a good idea!!
Shadowann2
My give-a-damn's busted
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2002
- Posts
- 8,829
Thank you. He told me after the fact that is was easier for him to answer my questions and be open about his feelings in that manner as well.
Good advice so far.
Dave's Thing, I am shy, but that doesn't rule out bringing it up in conversation, it just means I don't really know how to bring it up. I have trouble asking him to do something simple like helping me shovel the driveway after a snowstorm, so asking him to use a toy is exponentially more difficult.
Erika, you always seem to give great advice on this board. Keeping it simple is good; I just need to find a good time to do that. Like when he isn't at his computer.
Dave's Thing, I am shy, but that doesn't rule out bringing it up in conversation, it just means I don't really know how to bring it up. I have trouble asking him to do something simple like helping me shovel the driveway after a snowstorm, so asking him to use a toy is exponentially more difficult.
Erika, you always seem to give great advice on this board. Keeping it simple is good; I just need to find a good time to do that. Like when he isn't at his computer.
SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2004
- Posts
- 13,442
Is this a D/s relationship? If so, are you the pyl?
It's not that important, but if you are, maybe the dynamic and how you are will give you some insight into why it's difficult to ask for things. I know my husband struggles with it too, and it's gotten both easier and harder since we've formally acknowledged our dynamic.
Maybe a tool, like email/IM, a "wish list" or "honey do" list posted somewhere, a jar that you put your written wants or needs into, or similar. Something like this could be used as a transition tool or permanent method of communication...whatever works.
Thanks!
Well, if you're looking at buying a new toy or three, maybe you actually could bring it up when he's on the computer by asking him to look at them with you, if you could pick something out together, or even just emailing or IMing him when you know he's online and not terribly engaged in something else. If he's comfy with the computer, perhaps including it in your approach would make the communication easier for both of you.
infinity706
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2006
- Posts
- 2,886
Well, you could keep one of your toys near wherever you tend to have sex and next time, pull it out in the heat of the moment and use it on yourself. In that case, you wouldn't have to say a word.
Erika, it's not D/s; I just have issues. lol. I have difficulty asking anyone for anything, regardless of the situation or how well I know them. It's the way I was brought up.
Email/IM won't work; he never reads his emails and he doesn't IM. He uses his computer primarily for online gaming, with occasional e-book reading or watching TV shows that he's missed during the week. I do have a "wish list", but haven't dared to ask him to look at it yet.
I don't know about buying a new toy; spending money on that seems a bit irresponsible right now since we're saving up to move in together in a few months. Both our computers are in my living room, which means that we wouldn't be able to look at that stuff anyway, since I have kids who are always around. (Older child is 13 and only seems to need about 6 hours of sleep, so frequently I go to bed before she does, and for various reasons she sleeps in the living room on weekends anyway. Very inconvenient.)
Infinity, that's a good thought, but would be even harder for me to do than just talking to him about it.
Email/IM won't work; he never reads his emails and he doesn't IM. He uses his computer primarily for online gaming, with occasional e-book reading or watching TV shows that he's missed during the week. I do have a "wish list", but haven't dared to ask him to look at it yet.
I don't know about buying a new toy; spending money on that seems a bit irresponsible right now since we're saving up to move in together in a few months. Both our computers are in my living room, which means that we wouldn't be able to look at that stuff anyway, since I have kids who are always around. (Older child is 13 and only seems to need about 6 hours of sleep, so frequently I go to bed before she does, and for various reasons she sleeps in the living room on weekends anyway. Very inconvenient.)
Infinity, that's a good thought, but would be even harder for me to do than just talking to him about it.
stockman35
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 6, 2005
- Posts
- 3,614
Karenna: Start with a vibe and keep it near the night stand. When the time is right, allow your bf to cum "early" either with a quick blowjob or let him get off in your chest. Then mostly complain that you need more, pull out the vibe, BUT let him use it on you! It will be great
infinity706
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2006
- Posts
- 2,886
Well, it seems like the best option might just be to write him a note. You could even slip it in his briefcase if he has one or on top of the clothes in his dresser drawer. If you're feeling a bit more confident, you could even hand it to him in person.
Now, my more standard answer would be to whip out the vibrator and tell him that you want him to take it and fuck your cunt like a $20 whore, but I guess that would be too intimidating for you.
Now, my more standard answer would be to whip out the vibrator and tell him that you want him to take it and fuck your cunt like a $20 whore, but I guess that would be too intimidating for you.
Um, yeah... I can't even admit to him that I own a vibrator without stammering and blushing. But "whipping out" a vibrator isn't as much intimidating to me as it is rude. It just doesn't seem right to me to spring something like that on him without discussing it first. I'd hate it if the situation were reversed and he brought something into the bedroom that we hadn't talked about, so I wouldn't want to do that to him. A note might work, or bringing it up during the afterglow phase, when it's a bit easier to talk about sex since we've just had it.
Stockman, there's just one problem with your suggestion: He never comes early. Never. He refuses to come unless he's gotten me off at least twice. The vibrator isn't because I'm not satisfied, it's just that I think it could be fun to add a little variety.
Stockman, there's just one problem with your suggestion: He never comes early. Never. He refuses to come unless he's gotten me off at least twice. The vibrator isn't because I'm not satisfied, it's just that I think it could be fun to add a little variety.
Last edited:
wehstar
Cheeky Monkey
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2005
- Posts
- 1,112
Just a suggestion, you may or may not be comfortable with it, and it could go wider than this particular issue. Suggest that you both write down 3 things on a piece of paper that you would like to try, there would be no pressure to do any of them, but it would be fun to know.
Could be done in a fun game kinda way.
Could be done in a fun game kinda way.
Wehstar, that's a good idea. Then he'd get something out of it as well.
When I was married, it was to a man who got furious if I initiated sex, or if I enjoyed sex when we had it. He also got furious if I didn't act like I enjoyed it. Yeah, I was supposed to act but not really enjoy. So now, it's very hard for me to initiate sex or to bring up things I'd like to try. Add that to my deeply-set inability to ask anyone for anything, and I'm pretty well stuck. I think that's why I'm having so much trouble with this, because I'm afraid to bring it up and I'm not really as open as I'd like to be to talking about sexual desires with my boyfriend.
When I was married, it was to a man who got furious if I initiated sex, or if I enjoyed sex when we had it. He also got furious if I didn't act like I enjoyed it. Yeah, I was supposed to act but not really enjoy. So now, it's very hard for me to initiate sex or to bring up things I'd like to try. Add that to my deeply-set inability to ask anyone for anything, and I'm pretty well stuck. I think that's why I'm having so much trouble with this, because I'm afraid to bring it up and I'm not really as open as I'd like to be to talking about sexual desires with my boyfriend.
SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2004
- Posts
- 13,442
Does you bf know all of this and anything else that might be pertinent to your enjoyment of sex and willingness to ask for what you want and need?
If not, make sure you tell him! Include the nitty gritty details and give current examples (e.g. asking for help with the snow, sexual things you want to try with him) so he gets the scope of the issue. But also be proactive by coming up with some solutions, like perhaps he could ask you if you want X or need Y, work with you to figure out ways to make it easier to tell him what you want/need, ask you to tell him what you want once a day or a few times a week, etc.
Let him know you realize it's your responsibility to work on this issue, but it'd seriously help to work together so you can develop these skills and find out which tools might work for you two long-term. IOW, him being extra aware and asking you about your wants/needs a lot will probably be a temporary thing, but through the transition, you may very well find techniques/tools that will serve you and your relationship well forever.
If he IS aware of the details of your past and the scope of the issue but isn't encouraging you to develop your skills, perhaps you could still remind him how difficult it is to ask for things due to your history and ask if he'd be willing to try some things that will help you communicate your wants and needs better.
I don't know about your guy, but my guy can get overwhelmed by not knowing exactly what he can do to help me and he just plain forgets important stuff sometimes, even though we've talked about it a lot. Just yesterday I had to ask him to compliment me in a way that didn't encroach on my self-esteem issues.
I've found it never hurts to remind him of how wacky my thoughts can be and suggest ways to help me and our relationship.My man knew I had a shitty marriage and was treated pretty badly during it, but didn't realize how much that had affected my ability to talk or ask about sex. He knows I have trouble asking for things, to the point of sometimes ending up in tears because I literally cannot get the words out, but I'm not sure he fully understood why I had that problem. He usually does encourage me to ask for things and talk about him, and after eight months together I'm finally at the point where I usually trust him enough to try. Yesterday afternoon I worked up my courage and wrote him an explicit note about hooking up last night (nothing specific, and certainly not asking about toys or anything, just saying I wanted to fuck him), which I dropped off beside him at his computer on my way into the kitchen. That went over very well.
So after that success, last night I tried to talk to him about the toy thing and ended up feeling brushed off. I said, "I want to talk to you about something I'd like to try, but don't quite dare to", and even though I tried to continue the conversation by asking him if there were things he'd like to try, what he got from what I said was, "We aren't going to talk right now", so he said, "I just do the things I'd like to try. I'm going to read for a while now" and that was the end of the conversation. Communication gap on my end, because I hadn't phrased it well enough for him to realize I was trying to work up my nerve to bring it up.
I stewed about it for a while, went to sleep, and woke up this morning still stewing. He woke up to me crying in the corner of the room (frustration crying) and finally got me to tell him what was wrong by offering to throw me in a snowbank if I didn't. lol. I filled him in on why it's hard for me to tell him fantasies that I have or things I'd like to try, and asked him about the toy, as well as a couple other things. He apologized for seeming to brush me off last night, was open to the toy idea (now I need batteries, lol), and reassured me that I can suggest pretty much anything and he isn't going to think there's something wrong with me for wanting to try it.
Erika, thanks for your post. Communicating and letting him know what I need to help me get past this is definitely key; letting him know what I need is affected by the whole not being able to ask for things issue, but I'll get there. He's patient and understands a little better now, so now that I've gotten past the initial conversation I think it might be easier in the future.
So after that success, last night I tried to talk to him about the toy thing and ended up feeling brushed off. I said, "I want to talk to you about something I'd like to try, but don't quite dare to", and even though I tried to continue the conversation by asking him if there were things he'd like to try, what he got from what I said was, "We aren't going to talk right now", so he said, "I just do the things I'd like to try. I'm going to read for a while now" and that was the end of the conversation. Communication gap on my end, because I hadn't phrased it well enough for him to realize I was trying to work up my nerve to bring it up.
I stewed about it for a while, went to sleep, and woke up this morning still stewing. He woke up to me crying in the corner of the room (frustration crying) and finally got me to tell him what was wrong by offering to throw me in a snowbank if I didn't. lol. I filled him in on why it's hard for me to tell him fantasies that I have or things I'd like to try, and asked him about the toy, as well as a couple other things. He apologized for seeming to brush me off last night, was open to the toy idea (now I need batteries, lol), and reassured me that I can suggest pretty much anything and he isn't going to think there's something wrong with me for wanting to try it.
Erika, thanks for your post. Communicating and letting him know what I need to help me get past this is definitely key; letting him know what I need is affected by the whole not being able to ask for things issue, but I'll get there. He's patient and understands a little better now, so now that I've gotten past the initial conversation I think it might be easier in the future.
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2005
- Posts
- 11,319
karenna, you seem perfectly capable of discussing sex, rather explicitly, right here on lit.
this may be a stupid question, but why not simply send him the URL so he can see some of the things in which you're interested, if the physical act of speaking is so difficult for you?
your guy, incidentally, definitely sounds like a keeper. :>
ed
this may be a stupid question, but why not simply send him the URL so he can see some of the things in which you're interested, if the physical act of speaking is so difficult for you?
your guy, incidentally, definitely sounds like a keeper. :>
ed
Silver, I'm capable of discussing it explicity with people who don't know who I really am and whom I'm unlikely to ever meet; the computer screen is a great place to hide. lol. Face to face with someone I care deeply about and whose opinion of me matters is a different situation entirely.
I've given him the Literotica URL and have tried to show him a few of my stories. He says he'd rather not read my stories because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings if he didn't like them. I don't know if he's checked out Literotica in general or not; when he's on the computer he's usually either reading science fiction e-books or playing an MMORPG (or whatever those initials are.)
Besides, I'm stubborn as hell, and I'm determined to learn to speak.
He is definitely a keeper, and for some strange reason he seems to think I am too.
I've given him the Literotica URL and have tried to show him a few of my stories. He says he'd rather not read my stories because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings if he didn't like them. I don't know if he's checked out Literotica in general or not; when he's on the computer he's usually either reading science fiction e-books or playing an MMORPG (or whatever those initials are.)
Besides, I'm stubborn as hell, and I'm determined to learn to speak.
He is definitely a keeper, and for some strange reason he seems to think I am too.
Last edited:
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2005
- Posts
- 11,319
karenna, i think perhaps what might help you in communicating what you want verbally--if you aren't already doing this--is to remember that by telling him, you're empowering him to do things that you'll enjoy, things he might not have considered without a little nudge.
good luck, karenna: i'm glad you're now with someone who respects you and values you as a sexual being. :>
ed
good luck, karenna: i'm glad you're now with someone who respects you and values you as a sexual being. :>
ed
Silver, that's a good point. I'm also empowering myself to speak up for what I want. And thanks for the good wishes
Phx, that's a hot idea, which I think I'm going to use in a story, but I would never dare to go out and buy a toy. Of the three that I have, one was bought online and two were gifts, one from a guy I was dating at the time, one as kind of a joke birthday present from a male friend.
Besides, what kind of toy would a woman buy for a man? (This is a legitimate question; other than vibrators I have no clue what kind of toys exist.)
Phx, that's a hot idea, which I think I'm going to use in a story, but I would never dare to go out and buy a toy. Of the three that I have, one was bought online and two were gifts, one from a guy I was dating at the time, one as kind of a joke birthday present from a male friend.
Besides, what kind of toy would a woman buy for a man? (This is a legitimate question; other than vibrators I have no clue what kind of toys exist.)
Toys
Well . . .
Perhaps you can take the Valentine's day gift idea a little further to say it could be a way to "stretch" our love life.
Things to buy for a guy . . .
Heat lotion . . .
A razor and then shave him to your liking (or licking!) . . .
A masterbator toy for his travels . . .
A vibrating cock ring . . .
A strap-on to use on him . . .
Anal beads . . .(yank them out as he comes during a bj) . . .
Sexy underware . . .
Go shopping together (on-line at Literotica if you are shy about going to a local store). On-line might have the added thrill of waiting for the box to arrive!
I'm sure I (or other readers) can come up with more ideas if you need them.
Well . . .
Perhaps you can take the Valentine's day gift idea a little further to say it could be a way to "stretch" our love life.
Things to buy for a guy . . .
Heat lotion . . .
A razor and then shave him to your liking (or licking!) . . .
A masterbator toy for his travels . . .
A vibrating cock ring . . .
A strap-on to use on him . . .
Anal beads . . .(yank them out as he comes during a bj) . . .
Sexy underware . . .
Go shopping together (on-line at Literotica if you are shy about going to a local store). On-line might have the added thrill of waiting for the box to arrive!
I'm sure I (or other readers) can come up with more ideas if you need them.
