want some really GOOD feedback?

[Maria2394]

**************************************

 

[Du Lac]

Maria
this sounds like a great place to work in. Thank you for the heads up. I went there and read your info and the comments which were right on line with what I have been looking for. I will see you over there also.
thanks
du lac

 

[Maria2394]

Maria
this sounds like a great place to work in. Thank you for the heads up. I went there and read your info and the comments which were right on line with what I have been looking for. I will see you over there also.
thanks
du lac

Cool!! good to hear from you again regardless of where it is.

just so you guys know, I invite folks over here as well..

I guesss I scare' em away, too

 

[annaswirls]

it is so awesome that you have found such a great place and that you are feeling so enthuiastic about writing! It makes me happy to see you happy I think everyone goes through stages of what is best for them, and it is a smart woman (like you!) who knows what she needs when she needs it. I think Literotica is a great place that has served many great people, but to become fixed in one place when it is time to stretch (or curl in a ball ) is not wise.

If I ever start writing again, I will have to give it a go! Right now I think I am in a bit of a curled in a ball phase

I will get to reading the critique in a minutes (I got distracted with all the line break fun!)

J

Okay guys, I have mentioned EditRed before, but OMG, I never in a million years thought I could find someone who would dissect my work, line by line, give me suggestions and not make me feel like a moron.

Okay, I got that here, the "good job, good poem, loved your work...."


but....

anyone who loves Lit, as I do, but would still like someone to read his/her work without a porn site being the backdrop...I think you get people over there reading poetry that are more concerned with poetry than with other, um, carnal activities.

what I am trying to say is, some of these folks give of their heart and soul and along with that giving, which here is so MUCH of here as well, but there, there's no sniping, no snell-smell-scale-trailing and bitching, none of that which is so ugly and tends to drive people away. Oh yeah, and NO VOTES to be
manipulated and no therms to be toyed with, just FB and poetry, and flash fiction and .....

I am posting a poem of mine with the FB that came along with it today, just as an example, if you dont care, well, okay, thats good too, I know it is hard enough to find time to be HERE much less to get involved in another writing community...but they tend to be so much more focused on the work there, I couldnt help but think that old Andy would like it there, but welll, ya know, I aint the one inviting him, lol.

But he is welcome of course.


some of ya'll might remember a poem of mine titled Angle and View, deja vu

if you wanna add some suggestions, feel free, maybe in a few years it will be ready for paper ;

I think this most recent episode of blackness, ( depression) has finally lifted and Im ready to try again, just kinda tired, you know? but as always, feel free to ignore me, it quit hurting a LONG time ago!!!

( I'm lying, of course)


~~~~~


oh yeah, and concerning BJ's FB, I am tremendously interested in what some of my idols here think about what he said, it sounds reasonable, sounds right and good, Im just so paranoid about my work sometimes...wanting it to be just right but is anything ever really just right?

Pat and Anna, angeline Tess, Lauren, Tzara, if you all have time, let me know what you thiknk, okay?

love ya'll!!

M#



Angle and View, deja vu

It's okay to sit back and watch
the grass grow shaggy,
it’s not a sin to let it grow
into an ankle deep infuse of green
highlights and deep sun shadows.

Long past morning
and depending upon degree of tilt
of Earth’s axis to face of the Sun,
this movement reminds me of laughter.

Will there ever be a day
an identical twin of this one?

Same thoughts, same clouds
same coulds and wishes
same now?

Remember this day, inscribed
as genetic, a pre-planned
yet the somewhat insignificant
sibling of mitochondrial DNA.

I have to say, it’s been a pleasure
my Father, my buddy,
companion deja vu,

But you’re just another yesterday
on hysterical brink of tomorrow
and I’m no longer afraid
of you.

~~~~~~


First, you did great avoiding end-stopped sentences on this one. In fact, I think this poem is in many ways better written. I think the other had more power, but power is not what this poem seems to be reaching for. It is a pleasant, thoughtful poem, and in my opinion, was well-executed.

As always, there are comments and suggestions I would make.

First, the second stanza is kind of clunky. The "degree of tilt of Earth's axis to face of the sun" is hard to say aloud, and I'm not sure I know what movement is making you laugh.

For these lines:
Will there ever be a day
an identical twin of this one?
:I would drop "one".

I love your sound play, as unintentional as it seems. A few examples are:
1. The repitition of "Same" in stanza 4.
2. "Clouds" and "coulds" in stanza 4.
3. "somewhat insignificant sibling" in stanza 5.
I think this assonance is a great way to perfect this poem. You should latch onto it and use it to bring the other parts up to par. You write like you know what you're doing, but if you want to read a great example of assonance, read the Raven by Edgar Allen Poe. He uses soundplay throughout, but my favorite lines (I can't remember which stanza off the top of my head) are:

And the silken sad uncertain rustling
of each purple curtain thrilled me,
filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before.

The rest of that stanza continues just as fluidly. I think your poem will be improved greatly with this type of soundplay. Maybe not so much rhyme, but soundplay none-the-less.

~~~~~


when he refers to the "other" [poem having more power, he is speaking of A Pussy's Philosophy on War, which did pretty good here, ( for here) and it garnered a grand total of 7 comments. It has almost 100 comments over there,...

 

[annaswirls]

~~~~~~

~~~~~


when he refers to the "other" [poem having more power, he is speaking of A Pussy's Philosophy on War, which did pretty good here, ( for here) and it garnered a grand total of 7 comments. It has almost 100 comments over there,...

100 comments! Dang! I don't think I could keep up there! What an active board!

 

[annaswirls]

it is a lovely poem, Maria. I agree with some of his comments. All this line break talk has me crazy, looking at the meaning of your phrases, it seems some of them are chopped apart by a line break, which messes with the meaning?

into an ankle deep infuse of green
highlights and deep sun shadows.

should green be separate from highlights? I don't know. Just a thought

long past morning
and depending upon degree of tilt
of Earth’s axis to face of the Sun,
this movement reminds me of laughter.

this seems over-prepositioned is that a word?

I like the idea, but it seems to be tangled in on itself. I once read a poet who very often sounded like "in the house that Jack built" but he wanted it that way, so I stopped commenting on that aspect of his writing. So I apologize if I make a suggestion to change something you had intentionally included.

I like the play of twins and paternity and DNA, it might be good to stick with that instead of going out in space with the tilt of the axis? Just a thought. No rule against having two scientific concepts in one poem but might be too much for the general reader?


So good to read you tonight Maria! Thanks for reading my comments, hope I made a bit of sense!@

J

 

[Maria2394]

it is a lovely poem, Maria. I agree with some of his comments. All this line break talk has me crazy, looking at the meaning of your phrases, it seems some of them are chopped apart by a line break, which messes with the meaning?



should green be separate from highlights? I don't know. Just a thought




this seems over-prepositioned is that a word?

I like the idea, but it seems to be tangled in on itself. I once read a poet who very often sounded like "in the house that Jack built" but he wanted it that way, so I stopped commenting on that aspect of his writing. So I apologize if I make a suggestion to change something you had intentionally included.

I like the play of twins and paternity and DNA, it might be good to stick with that instead of going out in space with the tilt of the axis? Just a thought. No rule against having two scientific concepts in one poem but might be too much for the general reader?


So good to read you tonight Maria! Thanks for reading my comments, hope I made a bit of sense!@

J

dont you dare apologize for bein honest with me!! thats why I love you!!

That poem has a ton of problems, not so much that I should kill it, but like you said, over-prepositioned. It has potential and the science, well, I get fixated on stuff sometimes and while I know what I mean, that quote that Rybka had in his sig line( by Archibald Macleisch) comes to my mind every single time I think I might have to explain it, lol.

I am gonna work on this one tonight, you have given some wonderful suggestions and Bryan did as well.

and.... that poem probably only got that many comments because it was listed as the Feb winner, so it had an instant link to it, ya know, (I doubt that it would have been read that many times if the readers had to find it on their own.)

The one comment suggestion that comes up in every place I put this work is the word "infuse". It is what I wanted to say, but it is not right....I will givethat thesaurus hell tonight

as for the tilt o f the earth's axis...thats a fixation of mine, I cant get past the fact that we changed our position in the universe some 8000 years ago and that is how the lush beauty of the sahara desert became a desert.....and it only took 300 years, isnt that amazing??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Angle and View, deja vu

Sit back and watch the grass grow,
into an ankle-deep infusion of green,
countless shades of sky blue deepen
those already deep sun shadows.

Will there ever be a day
an identical twin of this one?

Same thoughts, same clouds
same coulds and wishes
same now?

Remember this day, perhaps as genetic,
a pre-planned yet somewhat insignificant
sibling of mitochondrial DNA.

I have to say, it’s been a pleasure
my Father, my buddy,
companion deja vu,

But you’re just another yesterday
on hysterical brink of tomorrow
and I’m no longer afraid
of you.