Walking-Into-A-Bar jokes

[DannyBoyUK]

So this guy is sitting at a bar in the convention hall when in walks this gorgeous, i mean GORGEOUS, woman and sits down right next to him. The man is astonished by her beauty and tries to get up the nerve to start a conversation with her..... : "Are you here on business?" he asks. She says "Yes, as a matter of fact Im here for the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention being held here this weekend." He cant believe his ears and asks " And what kind of 'business' role are you doing for this convention?" She replies " Well, I'm actually a speaker for a seminar in the convention entitled "The Myths of Sex and Sexuality in Our Society Today" She continues "For example, its commonly been told that the African American man is the one who is gifted with the largest penis.... when in fact, it is actually the American Indian. And its been said for many generations that the French men are the best lovers of the world, when it is actually the Jewish men." She paused and said " I do apologize, here I am blabbing away and I haven't even asked your name or told you mine." The man smiles and says "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lnaky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

"I do, the Lone Ranger replied. Why?"

The cowboy drawled, You better take care of him. He¹s almost dead from the heat.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting. The Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.

Tonto replied, "Sure, Kemosabe," and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer. A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

I do, the Lone Ranger said, what's wrong with him this time?"

Nothin', the cowboy said, but you left your Injun runnin.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Guy at the bar goes for a piss, while he's pissing, in comes a black guy who whaps out a massive dong. The white guy asks him how he got it. The black guy says "every night I tie a piece of cord round the bell end and pull it tight for five minutes" .the white guy thanks him and leaves. The two meet up in the same toilets six months later," how you doin' with the dick says the black guy " "excellent" says his new buddy "look it's nearly all black"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Two flies walk into a bar and order drinks and start talking. The first fly says how was your travel down here? The second fly answers "it was cold I rode in a bikers mustache. How was yours? The first fly answers I was warm I rode in a biker chicks' pussy. You ought to do it next year. So a year passes and the same two flies met in the same bar, and the first fly says did you do it? And the second fly answers yes but some how I still showed up in a biker's moustache.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to the face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots the guys hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guys fingers, before a flash spin with the gun and puts it back in its holster. "brilliant shooting" says the bartender, "mind if I look at your gun" another flashy spin brings the gun into the tenders hands. "nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth." "what the hell for?" Asks the cowboy. "well see that piano player" says the bartender, " he is Billy the kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up your fucking arse"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm.
The show begins, and the comedian comes on for his first show of the evening.
The comedian says, A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins, and the comedian comes on for his second show of the evening
The show begins, and the comedian says "A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm."
Just then, a man in the front row stands up and says, "I think I've heard this before."
The comedian says, "Maybe you caught my first show of the evening"
The man says, "No, I just walked in here"
The comedian says, "Well there was a guy who looked just liked you who walked in here with a beautiful girl on his arm, he could've been your twin brother."
The man says, "My twin brother is dead"
The comedian says, "What is this, a wake?"
The man says, "I don't have to stand for this," and he stands up and he walks outside.
The comedian says, "Are you out there? I can hear you breathing"
And the man says, "I'm holding my breath"
The comedian says, "Well I'm holding your wife"
Just then the man says, "That's not my wife"
And he walks back into the nightclub with another beautiful girl on his arm
"Who's that lady I'm seeing you with"
The man says "this is my wife. That other lady is my dead twin brother's wife. You can take her if you want her"
The comedian says "Not unless you say please"
Just then, a man walks into a nightclub with a tattoo of a beautiful girl on his arm, eating elbow macaroni
The comedian says, "is that girl from Italy?" The man says "no, just Hungary."
Just then a man walks into the nightclub, he comes riding into the nightclub on a pony with a feather stuck in his hat
"What do you call that," the comedian asks
"An entrance," the man says "But forget that, just get me a beer and give my pony a jockey"
The bartender says, "I think that pony's had enough already"
"Well make it a short jockey," the man says "And while you're at it, you better get that lady's lawyer some briefs"
The lady stand up and says, "I can defend myself your honor"
And the lawyer says, "Well I'll defend her honor your honor"
And the judge says, "Well on or off her, make up your mind"
The comic says, "Well definitely on her. That's the best offer I've had all day"
"Well take it or leave it," says the judge
"Couldn't we just drop it?" says the comedian
"Well you'd better drop leaflets before you bomb"
Well the comedian says "I'm already bombing"
He says "well maybe it's your material"
"You don't think it fits?"
He says "Well it could be let out a little"
The comedian says "How much do you think it will cost me"
He says "it'll cost you an arm and a leg"
The comedian says "Well listen, can you put it on the cuff?"
The tailor says "I'll tell you what I'll do. We'll forget the leg and I'll just charge you the arm. And a beautiful arm it is"
"Okay," says the comedian, and the tailor cuts off the comedian's arm, and gives him the suit. The tailor calls his girlfriend and asks her to go out on the town with him in order to celebrate. He calls on his girlfriend and gives her the beautiful arm as a gift. She wears it around her neck just like a stole. And they go out on the town. The man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl. The show begins, and the one-armed comedian comes on for his last show of the evening. He does his act, and the audience stands up and gives him a hand.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

After a rather wet night the bartender asks Bruce, who's lying on the floor: "Would you like a chair there, mate?" "No, I'm okay standing, thanks."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

It was a nice day out back at a lakeside pub, when a fish saw a fly hovering over the water and the fish said to himself, "man, if that fly comes just two inches closer I'm going to jump up and eat it and have a great lunch", but at the same time a bear was hiding i the woods and saw the fly and the fish and he said to himself "when that fly goes down two inches and that fish grabs it I'm going to grab that fish and have a good lunch", meanwhile, a hunter was watching the fly, the fish, and the bear and he said to himself, "when that fish jumps up and that bear comes out from hiding to catch it i'm going to shoot that bear and have a nice trophy for myself" whilst all this was going on a rat was waiting and watching the man so that when the bear came out of hiding and the hunter bends over to shoot it i'm going to grab the sandwich out of the hunters back pocket. At the very same moment a cat was watching the whole scenario unfold and planned that as soon the hunter bends over to shoot the bear and the rat goes for the sandwich he's going to jump for the rat and have himself and good lunch.... whew.

So anyway, the fly goes down two inches, the fish then proceeds to jump and catch it, then the bear grabs the fish, the hunter bends over and shoots the bear, the rat grabs the sandwich from his back pocket and the cat jumps for the rat misses it and lands in the water.

wow! and the moral of the story is ladies and gentleman. It takes a hell-of-lot just to get a pussy wet.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A short man walks in to the bar and begins to tell the bartender his story. Well, he theths, I wath driving down thith country road, when I thaw a thine that thaid "horth for thale". I jutht happened to be looking to buy a thorth, tho I turned up the driveway to thee about it. The farmer wath quite nithe about thowing me the horth, but I made it clear to him that it had to be a healthy horth, not jutht any old thag back. The farmer to me it wath a three year old mare. When we got to the horth, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth eyth, becauth I wath too thort. The farmer reluctantly picked me up to thee. I checked the hortheth eyth, and they theemed great, and the farmer put me down. Nexthd, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth teeth. He wath even more reluctant thith time, but he did it. I grabbed the hortheth lipth, lifted them, and tapped on the teeth to be thure they we tholid. They were, and the farmer put me down. We thtepped back thowards the hortheth hind quarter, looking towardth hith head, when I athked the farmer to thee the hortheth twat. The farmer grabbed me, picked me up, and thtuck me in the hortheth bum. Then he pulled me out and thtood me up, right at the back thide of the horth. Well, I wath in thock. I wath covered in poo, and some got in my mouth. As I thpit it out, I thaid to the farmer, " Let me rephrathe that. Can I thee her gallop thlowly?"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I`ve got one `ere."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A guy his mother, his aunt, his cousin, his sister, and Candice all walk into a bar. his mother has a French ale, his aunt a glass of zinfandel, Candice has a beer, and every one else has a glass of Chablis. The bartender is wonders why out of all the other drinks Candice has a beer. So he walks over to her and he noticed she had her hands in her pants so he asked" what are you doing, and why a beer", to which he replied "IT TASTE GREAT , LESS FEELING (FILLING)!!!"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie - poof it swallows you up ok A brunette . a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar They head straight for the mirror and the redhead goes first She says" I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth" Poof- the mirror swallows her up The brunette goes up She says" I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth" Poof - the mirror swallows her up Last is the blonde She says " I think........"

 

[DannyBoyUK]

This guy walks into a bar with his friend. A couple minutes later, this really hot chick walks in. The first guys sez, "whoa, she's HOT!" so his friend sez "go for it!". So the first guys goes up to the chick and tells her she's a babe. She tells him she's a prostitute and she'll do anything he wants for a hundred bucks. The guys says "well, my wife told me to be home early tonight, so how's tomorrow?" She says okay, so the next day they meet back at the bar and they both go back to his place. The man says he wants a blow job, so the chick drops to her knees and blows him till he cant stand it anymore! The guy sez, whoa, that was great! So he plops down his hundred bucks and she says "no charge". The guy says, that was great, so why not? and the prostitute sez "It's President's day"

 

[JazzManJim]

A guy walks into a bar.

Ouch.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A fairly unattractive short guy walks into a bar, upon entering has a quick glance about for potential friends, sees no one he knows and unhappily walks up to the bar. He orders a white wine and starts mumbling to himself, the bartender, obviously quite distressed about the well being of this guy, starts making small talk with the man. "So how has your day been he says?" The ugly man looks round and replies, "Not too good, my friend, today is my 35th birthday and i haven't had sex for 25 years". To this the bartender replies, "well i don't mean to be offensive but you are one ugly guy, i tell you what, just for a laugh i will buy you a drink if you go and chat up the girl at the end of the bar." The man then looks round and sees an absolutely stunning brunette about 23 years old sitting by herself sipping away at a half empty wine glass. The man turns back to the bartender pauses for a second and smugly replies, ok. The man then walks over to the brunette sits down beside her and says, "I know you will never go out with a guy like me, but i bet you $20 dollars i can make you orgasm in the next 5 minutes without even touching you?" The girl looks back knows that this is impossible and seems such easy money kindly accepts the mans offer. The man smiling wildly then picks the girl up throws her on the bar pulls her dress up and fucks her for 5 minutes. The man then slaps down $20 dollars and leaves.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Hey, a lady walks into a lesbian bar and order's a bloody mary. A blonde walks over to her and said "Where do you know me from"?

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Hey, a guy walks in a bar and order's two house specials, the bar keep say's were all out of Heineken would you like some Bud, the guy say's yes, ten minutes later Bud comes out the bathroom with two full glasses.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Hey, a guy walks into a bar after a steaming argument with his wife about sex. He asked the bar keep was there any available women who's willing to give him what his wife wouldn't. The bar keep whispered in the mans ear, "We have some fine women up stairs who's willing to do anything for practically nothing". So after the guy finished his drink he went up stairs. A very sexy woman stopped him and asked him what was he looking for, he said anything, ready and willing. The sexy lady showed him to a room and asked him to wait a couple of minutes someone will be in shortly. After waiting way over an hour, a woman came in, he could barely see her, she laid in the bed and said come and get it, and they began to do there thing. Suddenly the man said, why are you so dry? she said I don't know this never happened to me before, let me go freshen up. The woman went into the bathroom, a couple of minutes later she came out and they were back doing there thing. The guy said ooh baby, this feels great, what did you do. The woman said I just pulled the scabs off and let the puss flow.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A penguin walks into a bar, he goes to the counter and asks the barman "have you seen my brother?". The barman asks "what does he look like?".

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A guy walks into a bar carrying a kitten in his hand. The bartender immediately tells him that he can't have the kitten in the bar. The guy apologizes, but asked if he could keep the cat and have just one drink, and leave. The bartender agreed, and after the guy drank his beer, he turned to leave. Stopping him the bartender asked, "Out of curiosity, why do you have a kitten with you?" The guy replied, "Beer always taste better when you've got a little pussy."

 

[DannyBoyUK]

A guy is in a bar and said do you sell animals, so the bar owner says yea, so the guy says i want a lion, but it must weigh 20 pounds. so he says ok . he gets a lion and starts sucking on his tail it weighs 20 pounds. the guy says no you don't weigh a lion like that, so he said son get your mom, the kid said she is weighing the mail man

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Two gay guys walk into a bar and started to fuck, so soon they had a baby, there were 20 babies in there and all were crying except the one baby was smiling, so the gay guys say i am so happy all the babies are crying and ours are smiling, the bartender said you wait until I take the pacifier out of his ass

 

[miles]

Yo, Danny

Don't give up the day job.

(Barummp)

 

[SGTBIGDOG420]

A guy walks into a bar and says give me 15 shots of jack. the bartender says thats alot of drinking to do you celibrating somthing? the guy says yep I just experienced my first blowjob. the bartender says thats somthing to celibrate I'll buy you another. the guy says dont bother if 15 dont get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.



a bunch of guys allways sat in a ber talking about the size of their dicks, the waitress finally got tired of hearing this shit so she told them we will settle this right now, everbody flop out and put you dick on the table I'm gonna be the judge. so they all flop their dicks on the table and she starts looking at them. just then a gay guy comes in so the waitress says I'll be with you in a moment, the gay says well dont hurry I came in for a beer but I think I'll have the buffet insted.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

Yo Miles

Don't worry, there are only another 1,389 of these yet to come

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