Waiting to get shot ...

[English-Passion]

Hi everyone,

Although I have been an 'active' reader here for quite a long time, this is my first posting. And I'm standing by with a fire extinguisher!

Two of my poems just got listed and I would dearly love some feedback on what you all think. I'm not soliciting votes (although I wouldn't turn them down), but I would like some solid criticism so I know if what I do fits in with what you like.

If I read the instructions right, the links are below.

A Couple's Couplets.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29741

I Don't Know Your Face
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29740

Thanks very much!


English-Passion

 

[Debbie]

*dodging flames to get to you* Nope, no flames here!
I read your poem. " I don't know your face." The poem summed up well the ability to be anonymous on the net.
Also the casualness of two people meeting online, something developing between them and drifting their separate ways. Leaving a feeling of I don't know your face.

I especially liked the lines
"I don't know your face.
It's a mystery.
And so is your race,
And your history. "

Communicating though the internet, speaking electronically to poeple who may never meet. A mystery.

The thing that I found is that the rhyme was not continuous through the poem (I am guilty of this too)

"You suggested IM,
I thought you so cool.
And I had to pretend
I knew nothing at all!"

Can you see what I mean? None of these lines rhyme, yet the flow throughout the rest of the poem is almost spot on.

One last small thing

"But the fire couldn't last,
We had to agree.
"Should we meet?" We both asked.
But it wasn't to be. "


"We both asked" stretches out the length of the sentence and just doesn't seem to fit. Last and asked as a rhyme is a stretch.
I hope you don't mind my comments. I too am learning all the time.

Thanks

Debbie

 

[English-Passion]

Hey Debbie,

Thanks for taking the time to read my poem. I take your points well (although some of the non-rhymes do in my accent!).

I enjoyed writing this one a lot, so the process of self-critiquing was always going to be more difficult.

Cheers!

English-Passion

 

[Debbie]

quote"Hey Debbie,

Thanks for taking the time to read my poem. I take your points well (although some of the non-rhymes do in my accent!).

I enjoyed writing this one a lot, so the process of self-critiquing was always going to be more difficult. "

To be honest this was my first proper critique on poetry. Sorry you were my guinea pig! Because I am quite shy (and sometimes overly sensitive) I don't usually say much more than I liked the feel of this poem, I understood the poem etc. I am trying to build up my confidence when it comes to giving feedback.

So apologies if I offended you. LOL You can critique my writing if you want. *cringe* I am also trying to accept feedback on my stories without wincing as I love my 'babies'. But I really want to grow as a writer. Only one way to do that and that is to go hey, what do you honestly think.

*off to take a desensitizing pill and grow a harder shell*

 

[Guest]

English Passion.......

Sent you an email on you're poetry (and voted of course).

I have to concur with Debbiexxx here. (And trust me...I'm no expert either, as it has been expertly pointed out)....lol.

BUT! If you are going to write a poem, and rhyme every line, you MUST be consistant. It has to flow that way all the way through.

Also...one of the most difficult aspects of rhyming a poem, it that it makes complete sense. (Also pointed out to me) snicker, snicker. But I can see after re-reading some older poems (not posted on Literotica) that trying to find a word that rhymes just so it sounds good....doesn't mean it ties it in with the rest of the poem. Better left to leave it out all together, or it just makes it sound goofey, and hurts the rest of an otherwise thoughtful poem.

Anyway....good luck. There are some pretty good poets here, and I am sure they will be more than happy to help or give better advise than I have.

But...feel free to call on Thesandman any time.

To sleep........perchance to dream - William Shakespear

I remain.......

 

[daughter]

Couple's Couplet

English-Passion--

Glad to have you posting in the forum. I strongly believe that we can benefit from public discussion among our peers. Please, don't be a stranger.

Congratulations on your story. I will make my way to it. Now, about your poetry. I read Couple's Couplet. I like the title. The alliteration works. Good play on words, hints at what to expect and creates appealing images.

You deliver on the premise the title suggests. What waned for me is your reliance on the couplet. That it was hurts the poem. It's too restricted. Instead of creating something erotic and alluring, I'm focused on the form which chokes the sensuality out of the piece. It's like any other poetic device, it should be used judiciously. Runaway alliteration is annoying. Too much repetition sounds like an irritating scratch on a record not a soothing melody.

The sonnet closes with a couplet. In the sonnet, the couplet is a complimentary finish. Just a suggestion, I would experiment with other devices and techniques to enhance the poem. I enjoyed the images. It's how they were packaged, I'd reconsider.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter