Vulnerable, please help

[Sammil]

I'm so confused by all of this.
I posted an ad on craigslist, of all places, in search of friends.
I responded to several but only met one. We've hung out every weekend for 2 months. During the week he tells me he can't wait to see me. He calls me in the am before work, we text thru out the day, calls me at lunch and again when he gets off work and again when he goes to bed. I love it. I love talking to someone so much about anything and everything.
Things turned to sex about 3 weeks after we met and from there everything has been pretty damn amazing---with this one huge snag.

He has somehow taken all of my walls down. I'm completely vulnerable to this guy. He doesn't want anything beyond friendship. But yet he wants all of the perks of a relationship. He wants me to go to his house whenever i can, he wants sex and public affection. He wants me to be loyal to him. He shows jealousy when i say 'another male friend wants to hang out.' He wants it all but without the commitment. I'm so torn by this guy it's not even funny. It hurts to hang out with someone who i've grown to love, knowing he doesn't want me. He's made it clear, verbally, that we'll never be more than friends - but then treats me and acts like we are more than friends. I don't know what to do or think.

Since I've raised my concerns - last weekend, he's backed off. He doesn't call in the morning and only for like 5 minutes during his lunch, we rarely text thru out the day now. But i went over there last night for supper, and of course the kissing and hugging and snugglin like everything was ok.<from the both of us - not just him. I stayed until midnight, he wanted me to snuggle with him till he fell asleep because he sleeps better when snuggled-no sex--but was annoyed that i got up and left 30 minutes before i said i probably would--because he was sleeping. This weekend he's going to his home town and doesn't want me to go with.

What do i do? or say to him? I really want to be with him but i also don't want to be used or feel like i'm being used.

I know i sound like a child, but i'm 29. I'm just a naive insecure woman who is incredibly vulnerable to him. I've never opened up to someone like i have with him. Please help, i'm so confused.

 

[Harold_Hill]

Now you know why the guy had to resort to Craigslist to find a girlfriend. He's a loser! Move on and find someone who deserves someone special like you. You deserve better.

 

[Sammil]

Now you know why the guy had to resort to Craigslist to find a girlfriend. He's a loser! Move on and find someone who deserves someone special like you. You deserve better.

neither of us were looking for a relationship - my ad said 'friend' so he responded lookin for just a friend.

 

[MeekMe]

This dude sounds terribly selfish. I think you should put your foot down. If he wants to be friends and only friends, treat him like one. Not a friend with benefits, which would have some mutual satisfaction if it were just that.

He is not your boyfriend so he has no say in whether you date other people. Even as a boyfriend he wouldn't have any say in whether you hang out with other friends. If this situation makes you unhappy and he can't commit to a relationship (that you seem to want) move along.

I say date other people and find someone that is on the same page as you.

 

[Harold_Hill]

neither of us were looking for a relationship - my ad said 'friend' so he responded lookin for just a friend.

As Meekme pointed out: If he wants to be just friends, (or friends-with-benefits), he has no say in your personal life. How you describe him in your post brings up a "red flag". He sounds possessive and controlling, which is something that may not be good for you in a relationship. Sometimes, just because we want to be with someone, doesn't mean they are going to be good for us. You can't change who he is, and being the case, it might be a good idea to take a step back and see who he really is. To see him as he is, look beyond your own feelings for him.

 

[Que]

You HAD a relationship. Having him acknowledge that is what it was was unnecessary.

My roommate hooked up with an annoying, immature 19 year old. He realized his mistake early and did the honorable thing and told her it just wasn't going to work.

After blowing up his phone for a couple of hours, she meekly said, "Well, the sex was good so if you ever want to hook-up again..."

He says, "I can't use you like that."

She says, "How is it you using me if I suggest it??"

He tells me he still can't.

Next morning she is back in his bed.

Flash forward 3 months. They argue over closet space. He spends zero moments of his day after work without her attached at the hip. They shower together, eat together.

He takes her to family gatherings. Took her to meet his estranged father. He almost dropped $6K on a car so he wouldn't "wear out" his $25K truck driving to Georgia to meet her extended relatives. He Drove to another state to pick up her mom's ashes then to the other side of the state for a memorial service. He is driving 10-12 hours to her moms old house to pick up her disabled car to repair here.

He hates cats. She talked him into kidnapping her neighbors kitten that she didn't think should be outside. She and the cat live here now. The cat hates him. The cat is not to fond of the puppy she made him bring home the other night.

I think they are in a relationship, as were you.

Words and titles do not define a relationship. Actions do.

So my advice since you are stuck on this guy, is to text him, "The sex was good, if you ever want to hook up..."

And behave this time.

 

[Sammil]

So my advice since you are stuck on this guy, is to text him, "The sex was good, if you ever want to hook up..."

And behave this time.

hooking up isn't what he wants. he wants a close friend-someone he can talk to all the time, discuss his problems and be there for him and visa versa. the sex was kind of on me, he warned me before hand that it's a bad idea, that itll bring on attachment.

 

[IrisAlthea]

hooking up isn't what he wants. he wants a close friend-someone he can talk to all the time, discuss his problems and be there for him and visa versa. the sex was kind of on me, he warned me before hand that it's a bad idea, that itll bring on attachment.

Well, really close friendship is attachment too.
I certainly wouldn't treat my friends the way you describe. Would you?

 

[bailadora]

Well, really close friendship is attachment too.
I certainly wouldn't treat my friends the way you describe. Would you?

Quoted for truth.

 

[Sammil]

Well, really close friendship is attachment too.
I certainly wouldn't treat my friends the way you describe. Would you?

I suppose not.

 

[SweetErika]

I've had several experiences with guys like this, so I really feel for you. If it helps, you might consider that you are responsible for setting your own boundaries and teaching this guy (or anyone else) how to treat you. By allowing the cuddling, sex, affection and controlling behavior, you're telling him, "I'm OK with the terms of our relationship." Are you secure enough in yourself to set some firm boundaries and stick to them? If not, cut him out of your life, then work on yourself.

So, you need to send him a clearer message. I'm guessing he was never excited about having a strictly platonic relationship in the first place, and he'll drop you like a hot potato as soon as you cut out the physical acts. In my experience, guys like this are often immature and greedy: they look to get as much as they can while giving as little as possible. Sometimes they grow up/out of it, particularly when people in their lives set (and stick to) firm boundaries; sometimes they keep finding people to mooch off of so they never have to mature.

It's not a guarantee, but if you're intent on finding platonic friendships on CL especially, I'd suggest making 'female only' one of your criteria. Not that this would eliminate your risk of getting hurt, but in my experience, many of the women on CL are actually pretty genuine people who tend to want to establish solid friendships (even if they are open to romance if they meet the right person).

 

[SweetErika]

hooking up isn't what he wants. he wants a close friend-someone he can talk to all the time, discuss his problems and be there for him and visa versa. the sex was kind of on me, he warned me before hand that it's a bad idea, that itll bring on attachment.

If he thought sex was a bad idea and knew it'd lead to an attachment he didn't want, then why did he allow your friendship to move to a sexual place? Why did you proceed, even after he warned you? Those questions may be worth mulling over.

 

[Sammil]

If he thought sex was a bad idea and knew it'd lead to an attachment he didn't want, then why did he allow your friendship to move to a sexual place? Why did you proceed, even after he warned you? Those questions may be worth mulling over.

it was kind of a spur of the moment kind of thing. not exactly planned. alcohol was involved and inhibitions were out the window.

 

[SweetErika]

it was kind of a spur of the moment kind of thing. not exactly planned. alcohol was involved and inhibitions were out the window.

OK, so you may have made a mistake, and that's alright. If YOU see it as a result of impaired judgement or another kind of error, then what are you going to do about it now? Are you going to allow the mistake to continue (given that this relationship isn't making you feel fantastic), or are you going to turn it around?

 

[FGB]

OK.

I'm still a little vague about why you are cultivating a stalker/toxic relationship dude.

Jez. they are a dime a dozen!

You need to get the hell out of there!

 

[Sammil]

OK.

I'm still a little vague about why you are cultivating a stalker/toxic relationship dude.

Jez. they are a dime a dozen!

You need to get the hell out of there!

that's not his type at all, if anything - it's more mine----not that i'm stalking him or anything. I'm just a very co-dependent person..he is not.

 

[BATEMAN_PATRICK]

Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

 

[unregistered]

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Buying pussy is so much easier than dealing with girly head math.

 

[Eilan]

Well, that's interesting.

Right? Dafuq I just read?

 

[DesEsseintes]

Right? Dafuq I just read?

It's a way of pointing out that the guy may be a psychopath. The username might have been a clue!

 

[subwannabe]

Why do women do this? You want to be just friends but you are in love with this guy but he is not in love with you. Dump this loser and find someone else where you don't have to make a post about the situation, because there will be no situation. I'm getting to be an old man and I still haven't figured women out yet. Feelings of love shouldn't be a factor in a relationship where you claim you don't want love to begin with. Black and white issue.

 

[suckonsimon]

I only read the opener, forgive me skipping what others have said. If a guy presents this selfishly in the first weeks of a relationship, that is seriously bad news in my book. There are so many men who are basically big boys just wanting to take pleasure. Is that what you are after? How many women all over the world have deep misery because of these guys? Lady, you are 29. You deserve a man who has grown up into a man who will respect you, your own personhood and freedom, and your wish to find a life-partner.

Go well, and safely.

Simon

 

[Dyslexicea]

Why do women do this? You want to be just friends but you are in love with this guy but he is not in love with you. Dump this loser and find someone else where you don't have to make a post about the situation, because there will be no situation. I'm getting to be an old man and I still haven't figured women out yet. Feelings of love shouldn't be a factor in a relationship where you claim you don't want love to begin with. Black and white issue.

Black and white except when it's the friend zone you men seem to be so obsessed about!

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

Always

It is always difficult for humans to keep a grip on reality and that is never more true than in emotional "relationships". It is so EASY to believe things will turn out or be as we WANT them to be. The truth is, sorry to say, you got scammed by what some would call a predator. Grieve, cry, be angry, be sad, be depressed and all the other things that we do following a terrible, terrible loss.
At some point, try to figure out how it was that you allowed yourself to ignore the warning signs that he posted because as surely as God made little green apples, he let you know, if you were looking, that he wanted something other than what you wanted.
My first suggestion is to hold of on the sex because something happens after intimacy that makes undoing terribly difficult. He was perfect except he wasn't.